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From time immemorial, Santa Claus has been guilty of innumerable crimes against humanity and non-humans alike. He has abused his elf helpers, forcing them to work long hours with poor pay while claiming credit for their work and labor. He has judged the children of the world arbitrarily and without oversight, claiming to know if they are “naughty” or “nice” without clearly defining what those terms mean. He spies on the children he judges, as that is the only way he can know how to judge them. He has trespassed on the property of those children and their families, intruding on their lives and privacy in their sleep. And finally, he has encouraged and perpetuated a shallowness in children, as parents invoke his name to “teach” children to behave themselves such that they may receive a gift of commercial value, rather than properly teach their children the worthiness of good behavior without material rewards. In this essay, I shall describe his crimes in greater detail, and then I shall conclude with an explanation on why SantaRomi is far superior than Santa ever could be.
Elf Abuse:
Santa has under his employ a workforce of one hundred (100) elves. They work day and night to produce enough gifts to satisfy the children on the “nice” list. Statista Research Department estimates that the total number of people aged 0-14 years in the year 2020 was just shy of 2 billion (source below). If roughly half of those children are “nice” (an underestimate, most likely), then there are 1 billion children to service. We may assume that each child receives one gift from “Santa” (when it is really the elves who produce the gifts), so that is 1 billion gifts to produce in one year. This means that each day, nearly 2.75 million total gifts will need to be produced, so each of those one hundred elves would be responsible for nearly 27.5 thousand gifts daily, or 19 gifts per minute. 19 gifts per minute means one gift every 3 seconds, a truly unreasonable ask for anyone other than the elves under Santa’s “employ.” And speaking of employ, Santa pays the elves in minimal food, drink, and shelter, only enough to survive, and nothing else. Santa takes all else from them, including the credit of their labor. He also exposes both the elves and the children to health risks, as the “naughty” children are given lumps of coal. Coal is dirty to handle, and coal dust can damage the lungs. To describe Santa as monstrous is an understatement.
Arbitrary Judgment of Children:
Santa has not made the criteria for his judgments clear. Is there a numerical judgment system, a collection of numbers where one good deed provides one “nice” point and one bad deed provides one “naughty” point? No one knows. The only people who would know are the elves, and they have no power over him. As such, not only are his judgments opaque, there is also no oversight. There is no one around who has the power to ensure that he is fair, so he could easily declare that this particular child is “nice” no matter what they do, and another child is “naughty” regardless of actions. And no one can claim that Santa’s wife has a fair perspective either, as she is married to him. She can be trusted as well as he can.
Violation of Privacy and Trespassing:
How does Santa know if children are “naughty” or “nice?” Not only are his criteria of judgment unknown, but the methods of acquiring his knowledge are left only to speculation. And no matter how he knows, there can be only one conclusion: Santa is spying on the lives of children. Not only does he know to judge the children, he also knows where they live. And over the course of a single night (not physically possible, by the way, but that is a discussion for another time, as violations of the laws of physics requires another essay that is beyond the scope of an essay detailing his violations of the laws of humanity), he intrudes upon the homes of sleeping families to deliver his judgments to all children of the world. How terrifying, to be awoken by the sound of a man walking on your rooftop, then sliding down your chimney!
Encouraging Shallowness:
Perhaps Santa’s greatest crime, he has encouraged and perpetuated a shallowness in children, as parents invoke his name to “teach” children to behave themselves such that they may receive a gift of commercial value, rather than properly teach their children the worthiness of good behavior without material rewards. I have repeated myself here verbatim, but what else is there to say? Perhaps I ought to blame the parents as well, for they have worked in a partnership with Santa as a shorthand for good parentage. But that is yet again a discussion for another time.
Superiority of SantaRomi:
Now that I have laid out the crimes of Santa Claus, I shall explain why SantaRomi is vastly superior. SantaRomi is not guilty of any offenses towards elves, as she has no elves in her employ. Instead, she has several thousand basement dwellers. Such dwellers are not forced to work (rather, all work is voluntary, and every basement dweller does indeed volunteer), yet all are paid in food, drink, and shelter regardless. The basement dwellers are also paid in EXPOSURE, truly the most important form of payment that any content creator would need or ever want. In addition, SantaRomi does not judge children through unknown and capricious means. Instead, she judges the adults who dwell in her basement (though there are children in her basement, in her infinite wisdom, SantaRomi has spared them from judgment – unless they ask for it, in which case they are literally asking for it). And her judgments are fair, as we know the criteria: “whatever she feels like.” Even those who submit late assignments are judged fairly, as nothing is more fair than the pure random chance of a d20 roll. SantaRomi judges based on information that is freely and voluntarily given, so there is no invasion of privacy (anyone who mentions being compelled to provide information is a liar and shall be banished to the deepest levels of the basement). She does not enter our homes and private residences, as the basement dwellers are exactly that, people who are living in HER basement – she cannot trespass on her own property. Finally, SantaRomi does not encourage shallowness, as she praises and rewards genuine good behavior and scolds poor behavior (her presence itself is a gift worth far more than anything material).
It should be clear from reading this essay that Santa is abominable, and that SantaRomi is clearly superior. If only her basement were large enough to hold us all, such that more may bask in her glory. We should all be so lucky as to be a dweller of her basement, for they are truly the blessed among us.
No, the basement dwellers are not in a cult. I don’t know where you got that idea from, so please refrain from uttering such slander.
Sources:
Total number of people aged 0 to 14 worldwide from 1950 to 2100, Statista Research Department, https://www.statista.com/statistics/678737/total-number-of-children-worldwide/