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Any other Christmas Eve, Sonny and Rafael would make the trip out to Staten Island and attend mass with the Carisi family at their home church, only blocks from Sonny’s childhood home. They would then make the late-night trip back to Manhattan, sleep in the next morning, and then make the trip out to the Bronx to spend Christmas Day with Lucia Barba.
This year was different. Rafael was only two weeks out from his discharge from the hospital following an attempt on his life. While his recovery was going well, he still had lingering symptoms of the bout of pneumonia that had developed from post-surgical intubation, and pain in his side. He tired easily, and needed frequent rest. When Sonny had called his parents to tell them his husband just wasn’t up to the back and forth between the islands of Manhattan and Staten, they had graciously suggested they spend the night in the Carisi home. And, thoughtfully, they had extended the invitation to include Lucia Barba as well, so they didn’t have to figure out going to the Bronx.
And that was how Sonny found himself in his truck, driving back to his parents’ house after midnight mass with both Rafael and his mother on that crisp, cold Christmas Eve.
“You know, it would have been fine to just stay home,” he said, reaching a hand over to gently squeeze Rafael’s thigh. “My folks would have understood.”
“It’s fine,” Rafael said around a yawn. “I enjoy Christmas mass. It’s just late.”
“How are you feeling?” Lucia asked from the back seat.
He paused. “You know what I want for Christmas?”
“What?” his mother asked.
“To go a whole hour without someone asking me how I’m feeling.”
Sonny’s eyes remained fixed on the street, but his lips twitched. “Hey babe?”
“Hmm?”
“You feelin’ okay?”
Despite himself, the older man grinned. “I will smother you in your sleep.”
Sonny laughed softly as he pulled in behind his father’s pickup in the driveway, and stepped back to open his mother-in-law’s door. He then jogged around the car to help Rafael to his feet.
“Sonny, I really am okay,” Barba said, affection in his eyes. “You don’t have to hover over me every second of the day.”
“You say that,” Carisi replied, touching his cheek. “But I sleep next to you at night. And I was standing next to you during mass. I know you’re still hurting.”
Closing his eyes, Rafael sighed. “Maybe a little,” he admitted.
“Let’s get you inside,” Lucia interjected.
“If you two will stop fussing,” he muttered.
Sonny exchanged a look with Lucia, who rolled her eyes in exasperation. Now that Rafael was feeling better, he vehemently resisted any attempts to assist or take care of him. He staunchly insisted he was okay, no matter how clear it was to everyone else that he wasn’t. Carisi shook his head and shrugged helplessly. He knew his husband well enough to know the only thing he could do was wait for him to burn himself out and then catch him when he inevitably fell.
The Carisi home was utter chaos. Rafael felt more than a little overwhelmed by the noise, people, and commotion happening. He had grown up an only child, living with his parents. The assortment of Sonny’s sisters, their partners, and children was disordered at best. It’s almost one in the morning, he thought, stepping back as Bella’s two girls chased each other through the house. How do they still have this much energy?
Rafael loosened his tie, shrugged out of his suit jacket, and rolled up his sleeves. He could hear chatter from the kitchen indicating Serafina and her daughters were setting out a post-mass feast, and he grimaced. He wasn’t sure he had room left after the pre-mass meal, but there was no way Mrs. Carisi would take no for an answer.
Sighing, he strolled into the living room and sank heavily onto the sofa. He would never admit it to Sonny, but his side was killing him and so was his head. He dropped his head onto the back of the sofa and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the clamor and noise of the family that would descend on him any minute.
It wasn’t that he disliked Sonny’s family – in fact, he cared about them very much. But he thought longingly of their big, king-sized bed in Manhattan and then of the full-sized bed in Sonny’s old room they would be cramming themselves into shortly. He ached just thinking about it and wondered if he should have just listened to his spouse in the first place and bowed out of the festivities this year.
Of course, admitting that would mean hearing I told you so.
“’Afi?”
He opened his eyes at the childlike use of his nickname, and found himself face-to-face with Bella’s youngest daughter. About eighteen months old, she had her mother’s wide blue eyes and her father’s strawberry blonde curls. She had half a cookie in her hand, and was grinning up at him triumphantly.
“Hey, kiddo,” he said, smiling. “Whatcha got there?”
“Cookie,” the little girl replied. Gamely, she climbed up into Rafael’s lap. He grimaced when her knee glanced off his sore side, but he managed to smile at her and settled her on the opposite side. “Bite?” she offered.
“I’m good,” he assured her. “Your Nonna fed me exceedingly well earlier.”
She nodded, glancing towards the kitchen. “Nonna cook.”
“Yes,” he agreed, chuckling. “She sure does.”
She crammed the remainder of the cookie into her chubby cheeks. Glancing around the room consideringly as she chewed, she finally tilted her head back and peered up at him. “’Afi feel bad?”
There was something about talking to a small, innocent child that lowered Rafael’s defenses. “A little,” he admitted. “But don’t tell your Uncle Sonny.”
Nodding gravely, she put a finger to her lips. “Shhh… secret.” Turning in his lap, she pushed to her knees eliciting a small oof from Rafael. To his surprise, she wrapped her small arms around his neck and snuggled her head onto his shoulder. “Shhh…” she repeated. “’Afi feel better.”
Every bit of the hard-assed, ice-cold lawyer he was melted. He smiled and patted her back gently. “Thanks, kiddo,” he murmured. He felt her snuggle in and relax, and he too shifted to get more comfortable on the sofa. He sat there quietly under the warm weight of the child in his lap, and gradually heard her breathing go slower. She turned her head, sighed contentedly, and popped a thumb in her mouth.
And within minutes, Rafael’s own eyes had grown heavy and he, too, slipped off to sleep.
“Hey, babe, do you want—” Sonny cut himself off as he entered the living room. The sighted that greeted him hit him squarely in the heartstrings.
His husband was slumped comfortably on the couch, head lolled back, and sleeping peacefully. Sonny’s youngest niece was curled sweetly in his lap, head on his shoulder and thumb in her mouth. She, too, was sound asleep.
Carisi bit his lip as he watched them, heart twisting with a mix of joy and an emotion he couldn’t quite identify. “Well,” he murmured. “Shit.”
“Sonny, have you seen my kid? She’s—” Bella stopped when she came up next to her brother and took in the sight on the sofa. “Well don’t they look comfortable.” She watched them for a moment, and then glanced up at her brother and smiled at the stunned and misty expression on his face. “It hits you right in the feels, doesn’t it?”
“What does?” Sonny asked, not tearing his eyes away from Rafael’s sleeping face.
“There’s somethin’ about seeing the man you love being so sweet and cuddly with a kid that twists every heartstring you have,” Bella continued, softly. “If it was me, I would say it hits me right in the ovaries, but I don’t think the same applies in your situation.” She cast him a sidelong grin. “And I don’t think hitting you right in the balls would have the same effect.”
He raised a brow at her. “Not even close,” he agreed, and turned back to the sofa. “I know Rafi likes kids, but damn. That just…”
“What’s going on?” Teresa asked from behind them. Bella turned to find both of her sisters striding down the hall.
“Rafael is snoozing on the couch with my kid,” Bella replied. “And our brother is getting all soft over it.”
Teresa stuck her head in on one side of Sonny, Gina on the other. “Awww,” Teresa whispered. “They look so sweet together.”
“Check out our brother,” Gina retorted, nudging Sonny gently.
His face flamed, but he couldn’t pull his gaze away from his spouse. “Will you three shut up and let me moon over my husband in peace?”
“I should probably get her,” Bella murmured. “But they look so content.”
“Yeah, they do,” Sonny whispered, folding his arms over his chest and grinning tenderly.
Bella looked up at him fondly, and patted his arm. “Come on,” she said. “I’ll get mine, you get yours.” She quietly padded across the room and gently touched Rafael’s shoulder. “I’ll take her, Rafael,” she said softly.
“She’s fine,” he mumbled drowsily. “Not bothering me in the least.”
As Bella picked up her slumbering child, Sonny moved in and touched his husband’s cheek with the back of his fingers. “Come on, babe,” he said, quietly. “Let me take you to bed.”
He opened his eyes and smiled up at Sonny. “You gonna carry me?”
“I mean, if you really want me to.” He gently kissed Rafael’s forehead.
After the chaos of the Carisi household for twenty-four hours, spending a quiet night just the two of them was like heaven. Sonny was stretched out on the sofa, Rafael comfortably seated between his legs and leaned back against him. They had turned the lights off and tossed a blanket over the both of them, and enjoyed the soft, cozy light of the tree while they sipped scotch and talked.
Rafael let out a blissful sigh, head resting on Sonny’s shoulder. Carisi rested a cheek against his temple and chuckled as Barba told him about an exchange he had witnessed between their mothers that morning as they had prepared breakfast.
“Who knew there could be such controversy over the ‘correct’ way to prepare eggs?” Rafael said with a laugh.
Sonny gently ran a hand up and down his chest. “My ma, she’s pretty set in her ways – and territorial of her kitchen.”
Turning his head slightly, Rafael looked up at him. “You okay?” he asked. “You’re a little quiet tonight.”
“Just enjoyin’,” Sonny replied with a smile. “This is nice. You, me, the tree.” He nuzzled Rafael’s temple. “A lot quieter than my folks’ place.”
“I love your family, but God yes.” He sighed and relaxed even further back against Sonny. “And we have our bed tonight.”
“You didn’t enjoy having me right up on your ass all night?” The blue eyes were innocent.
“In general, I do like having you anywhere in the vicinity of my ass,” Barba retorted. “I did not enjoy waking up with your elbow in my face.”
They fell silent for a moment, Rafael relishing in the feel of his husband against him, the taste of the scotch on his tongue. He felt his mind beginning to drift and his body relaxing when Sonny spoke again. This time, he sounded almost shy.
“Babe? I’ve been thinking…”
“You shouldn’t do that,” he replied, taking a sip of his drink. “It causes stress. And possibly headaches.”
Sonny paused, then took a deep breath. “We put a pin in this a couple years ago, but…have you ever thought any more about the idea of having kids?”
Barba choked on his drink. He sat up abruptly, wincing at the sudden movement. “I’m sorry, what?”
There was a flush in Sonny’s cheeks. “The last time it came up, we said we weren’t going to rule anything out…”
“Yeah, three years ago,” Rafael replied. “It hasn’t come up since. Where is this coming from?”
“It’s always been there.” Carisi’s voice was soft. “I see Liv with Noah, and Amanda with her girls…and it makes me kinda wonder what it would be like.” He slipped his arms around Rafael’s waist. “And then I almost lost you. Babe, what happened a few weeks ago…that was too close. It just made me think how short life can be, and why wait on stuff like that.” He paused, a small smile tugging on his lips. “And then—” He abruptly cut himself off.
“And then...?”
Sonny looked sheepish, but tender. “Then I walked in last night and there you were all snuggled on the couch with the baby,” he admitted. “Rafi, it hit me right in the heartstrings.” He blushed and looked away. “I dunno, I just didn’t expect to feel that way.”
“Sonny…” Rafael began, his own thoughts spinning wildly. “Cariño, I’m fifty-two.” He bit his lip. “That’s almost old enough to be a grandfather.”
“You are not too old,” Sonny replied, firmly. “You’re in great shape, you mostly take care of yourself, run several days a week…babe, you could do it.”
He fell silent, pressing his lips together as a hot ball of anxiety welled up in his gut. Carisi, acutely familiar with his husband’s expressions and moods, didn’t miss it.
“What are you really worried about?” he asked, gently.
Rafael looked down into the amber liquid in his glass. “I won’t know how.”
“How to what?” Sonny said. “Change diapers? Babe, I can teach you how to do that.”
“No, not that. I can do that…mostly,” he said, thinking of his attempts at changing Billie Rollins’s diapers a few years previous. “No, Dominick…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I had a shitty example of a father growing up. What if I can’t do it?”
Sonny’s entire face softened. “I should have thought of that,” he said, quietly. “Sweetheart, I have seen you with Noah. I have seen you with Amanda’s girls. I have seen you with my nieces.” He cupped Rafael’s face. “You could never be like your dad. Ever.”
“But what if—”
He was silenced by Sonny’s lips capturing his and he melted against him. “You could never be like your father, Rafael,” Carisi said firmly. “Under all that sass and sarcasm, you have a heart of gold. If you want to give it a try, you would be an amazing father because you had a crappy example of what not to do.”
Rafael sighed. “I am terrified,” he said, slowly. “But…”
“But?”
He blew out a breath. “Let’s talk about it…”
One year later…
Of all the nights to get caught late in arraignment… Sonny thought, inwardly cursing. He silently urged the elevator car to hurry along, mentally preparing apologies for his husband. Every other judge in the building had been ready to get out as early as possible on Christmas Eve, but not judge McNamara. He had kept them right up to the last minute. And then traffic driving uptown had been a nightmare, leaving Sonny at past six coming home.
On their floor, he strode rapidly out of the elevator and down the corridor to his own door, fumbling with the keys as he moved. He dropped them once as he tried to unlock the door, swore under his breath, and finally got the door open.
“Hey, babe, sorry I’m late,” he said, shrugging out of his coat just inside the door. “I got hung up in arraignment—”
He froze when he caught sight of Rafael sleeping soundly on the couch. A smile bloomed on his lips, he dropped his briefcase by the door, and dumped his suit jacket on top of it. He slipped into the room and smiled fondly down at the sight, finally bending to kiss his husband’s forehead while one hand lifted to touch the small bundle on his chest.
“If you wake her up, I will end you.”
Sonny grinned. “Rough day?” he asked innocently.
Rafael opened one eye. “I have not yet mastered those baby whispering techniques you have,” he said, ruefully. “I think she likes you better.”
“Remind me of that when she’s yellin’ at me at three in the morning.” He sank down on the couch next to his husband and reached over to gently pat the small back. “How long has she been asleep?”
He squinted at the clock. “About forty-five minutes,” he replied, yawning. “She ate and conked out.”
“She’s kinda like her dad in that regard,” Sonny said, propping his feet up on the coffee table.
Rafael snorted. “Which one?”
“Sorry I’m late.” Carisi reached over and took the baby from Rafael, resting her on his shoulder. “I got held up in arraignment.”
“McNamara?” Rafael asked, stretching.
“You got it.”
He gazed down at the small, sweet bundle in his arms and smiled. Once they had made the decision to have a baby, the process had gone so fast their heads had almost spun. The agency had been able to quickly match them with a donor and a surrogate, and to their utter shock the transfer had taken on the first try. And just nine months later, little Catalina Carisi-Barba had entered the world.
They had no idea which one of them was biologically her father. They wanted it that way, neither of them knowing for certain. However, Sonny had on several occasions looked at the thick thatch of dark hair on her head when she was snuggled with Rafael and had his suspicions which one of them it was.
Rafael had been a bundle of anxiety and nerves through the entire process. But the moment their daughter was placed in his arms, Sonny had seen his husband visibly melt and fall in love. He had proven to be an incredible father to the small baby, and it had been he who had suggested her name – Catalina, after his beloved abuela.
“Are your parents truly okay with us skipping out on Christmas Eve festivities this year?” Rafael asked.
“Yep,” Sonny replied. “We have a good reason this year, and they’re coming by tomorrow.” He grinned. “Ma has some clothes for the baby.”
“Coincidentally, so does my mother.” Barba rested his head on Carisi’s shoulder. “They do know that she pretty much just poops or pukes on everything we put her in right now, right?” He closed his eyes and smiled. “So just the three of us tonight?”
Sonny pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Just us.”
“Good,” he murmured. “Merry Christmas, Dominick.”
“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”