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His consciousness was a tug of war between who he was and who he wished that he could be. The second time that Gaara hurt Lee, his hope for a better future for himself began to crack. When you have feelings that cannot be contained by the vessel that carries them, sometimes it is easier not to feel them at all, he had decided. He never meant to hurt Lee again. However, like the cyclic nature of the sun, destruction and chaos felt inevitable for Gaara after times of peace.
Gaara and Lee sat eating the dinner that Lee had prepared for the other’s visit to Konoha. Gaara’s happiness was unable to be contained. It was larger than his body, smooth and golden like honey, leaking out of him. A smile may have even escaped him. The conversation flowed easily, though it was mostly pleasantries regarding how they had been and missions they had recently received.
Lee set down his cup of water, cocking his head to the side after mentioning something about his family that Gaara didn’t hear because he was too busy thinking about what he was going to say next. “Gaara, I was wondering, and you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, but where are your parents?” He began his words with a mask of ease, but as the words fell off his tongue, they sounded cautious.
Gaara looked at him blankly until his words sunk in, drawing a line in the sand between them. His gourd began to rumble lightly, its intensity building as Gaara was consumed by incomprehensible emotion. Everything felt as if it was happening in slow motion. The sand flew out into the apartment, building into a massive wave, its grains showering everything in its wake. Lee had not been on guard, so he was unable to react before the billow of sand sent him flying into the wall. His body slammed with a sickening crack. Gaara’s wrath was immediately replaced with shame after seeing the sense of betrayal in Lee’s dark eyes. “Lee,” He breathed out as he ran over to him. The sand fluttered his hair as it surrounded him, twisting back into his gourd.
Sometimes when Gaara’s sand shield began to crack, he could feel himself crumbling inside as well. The shield was a shell that contained what little there was left of who he was. He often contemplated if he had ever really been himself or if he was simply a reconstruction of what the world had taken from him. It was moments like this that made him reconsider if he was really human at all. Why couldn’t anyone notice just how hard he was trying? He lived so deeply in his head and buried himself deeper every day.
He waited until Lee had fallen asleep before departing. The silence of the night was dead and stale around him as he walked to the edge of Konoha. A moonlit shadow crept into the edge of his vision as he neared the village gates. “Gaara, where are you going?” Lee’s voice cut through the darkness.
Gaara had never been able to describe his emotions out loud, or even to himself. The type of exhaustion he experienced after his emotional outbursts made it difficult to speak. The words tumbled around his head and he couldn’t catch them. Even if he had the ability, he would have to force them out of his lips while they tried to claw their way back down his throat. He didn’t respond, only taking slow steps as if he hadn’t heard the other’s plea.
All Gaara had wanted was a chance to be cared for. He craved a relationship with Lee the way that others craved God. Now leaving him made him wish he had never learned to love at all. Lee appeared only inches in front of him, close enough that Gaara could feel the heat radiating off of him. “I hurt you again,” Gaara replied. His tone was cool and stiff, as if the answer had been written in the stars from the beginning. He paused, releasing a small sigh as Lee began to crumble.”My failure to care for you properly was not a reflection of you but instead of my own brokenness.” He had a pit in his stomach when he thought of all they could have been.
“As Gai-Sensei says, all efforts are pointless if you don’t believe in yourself,” Lee replied, coming to a realization. Until one meets someone who teaches them otherwise, most people make the mistake of believing that love is innate. While the emotion may be, it is impossible to express without nurturing, which Gaara had been lacking through no fault of his own. Gaara wilted, his shoulders beginning to collapse. Seeing the other like this squeezed Lee’s heart into his throat, causing the forbidden words on his tongue to threaten to fall.
“Go back, Lee,” Gaara commanded, repeating his words as if to remind himself he was doing the right thing. “Please, go back.” Lee sank his feet into the ground, his heart being the weight that held him in place. The thinly veiled pleading in the other’s tone only straightened his resolve.
“If you can’t stay for yourself, stay for me.” Lee stood in front of him, forcing himself to maintain eye contact. Gaara’s eyes were unreadable, while he knew his own reflected his aching. His inability to maintain an aura of coolness was both a strength and a weakness, but tearing Gaara’s banners down through vulnerability seemed like the only way. The threads inside Gaara were tangled in a deeply wound knot, but they yanked with all their might, trying to tie themselves to Lee.
The knot started to loosen just enough to wrap itself around Lee’s heart. Gaara struggled to maintain his composure. What kind of power was this, connecting them to each other? His heart softened, so as he backed up from the other, a surging pain went through his chest. He let out a soft cry, bringing his hands to his chest. “Lee, what is this you’ve done to me?” He gasped, taking handfuls of his clothing into his hands. He felt himself begin to spiral. The waves of intense emotion awakened in him and flooded him. Gaara felt as if he was no longer on solid ground, and seasickness crept up from his stomach to his chest and up to his throat.
Lee only took a moment to recognize the look on Gaara’s face. He had long since memorized every curve and angle, taking in every detail of the other that the other would let slip. “Gaara, you know that I can’t use ninjutsu,” He explained, pausing to compose himself.
“What you are feeling is love,” He trailed off, unsure of how the other would react. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to Gaara that he would feel love as strongly as he felt everything else. Anger was a demon with lava running through its veins. Sadness was a tsunami, tearing through his inner village and drowning any sense of self that he had developed.
Love was safety after a lifetime of war. It was the comfort of a warm blanket after weathering a storm. After living in a world led by turmoil and loss, this type of comfort felt threatening. It was a betrayal of primal instincts that kept him alert and ready to fight at any sign of risk.
Gaara slowly lifted his head, once again looking Lee in the eye intensely. “Lee, I will never be able to bring you peace as long as you’re with me.” Lee contemplated this. His hair blew in the light breeze cascading through the village.
“I refuse to give up on you.” A smile played on Lee’s lips. He felt the tears glazing his eyes and threatening to fall. He took a step closer to his friend, putting his hands on his shoulders slowly to avoid startling him with his touch. The feeling of Lee’s warmth was comforting and it awakened something new inside of him.
Gaara’s heart tightened and the mysterious force that overcame him could no longer hold back. There was no longer a single word in all of the world’s languages that could express what he was feeling inside. As he leaned in, his sand rumbled once again, causing the other to stiffen. Instead of being met with the intensity of the desert on his skin, Lee was instead surprised by the softness of Gaara’s lips against his own. The sand encapsulated them, shielding them from the outside world. In the space that he created, he was able to focus on the only thing that still mattered.
With the darkness becoming impenetrable, Lee’s body was left to its own devices. His arms snaked around the other, pulling him closer until their chests pressed against each other. He deepened the kiss, holding onto Gaara as if he would disappear. The air around them hung heavy with the heat of the moment, but they refused to part, even as they gasped for air against each other’s lips. For the first time in his life, Gaara was in a world of his own creation, tied to the first person he had ever truly loved.