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Something wasn’t quite right.
That’s the thought that had been lingering in the back of Chu2’s mind. No— all week, in fact. It was hard to ignore; the atmosphere felt like it was weighing down on Chu2’s shoulders with the profound feeling of something just.. being off.
It was Pareo. Something was wrong with Pareo. Well, obviously nothing wrong with her herself— nothing could ever make Chu2 think the most perfect person in the world was wrong in any way —but.. she was acting strange. She seemed more tired than usual. More quiet.
More sad.
Perhaps someone else wouldn’t’ve noticed it, but Chu2 had spent so much time around the other girl that she was at the point where she noticed these things. Someone else might’ve thought Pareo was fine, but Chu2 had noticed the weariness that seemed to drag down her normally upbeat demeanor. She noticed the quietness that dulled the usual maximum cheeriness of her voice. She noticed the sadness that lingered in her eyes.
But, again, it was subtle. At least to another’s eye, it would be. Which meant that Pareo was clearly trying to bottle it up, which really wasn’t uncommon for her at all. Whenever something was bothering her, Pareo would almost always try to power through it and just handle it herself without a word to Chu2– or anyone else in RAS for that matter. Of course, she always tried to help her through it, but old habits die hard, and Pareo was as stubborn as they come. Chu2 knew that she needed to be patient with her in helping her navigate her emotions, but didn’t stop her from worrying. And worry she did.
Pareo sat next to her on the bed, silent as she read some new yuri manga she had picked up. Chu2 had asked about it earlier to try and see if it would prompt her to talk a bit more, and she definitely did. It was the most she had spoken all week, and while that did bring Chu2 some relief, the silence that fell over them now left her alone to wallow in her thoughts. Even as Pareo chattered on excitedly about the figure skating lesbians, she hadn’t seemed as animated as usual, and had quieted down and went back to reading in silence rather quickly. She hadn’t even tried to read it out loud to Chu2 like a bedtime story.
Chu2 knew she had to confront her about it, but… she wasn’t really good at these sorts of things. Much as she tried, talking about feelings with other people was, admittedly, very foreign to her. Even when prompted it felt awkward, so initiating this sort of conversation felt even harder. On top of that, she didn’t want to push Pareo too much. She didn’t seem like it, but Pareo was incredibly hard to get something out of if she didn’t want to share something, and Chu2 didn’t want to make her feel cornered or uncomfortable. Still, she cared about her far too much to let this continue. She knew she had to talk to her about it somehow, she just wasn’t entirely sure how to go about it. Maybe she should.. talk about her own feelings first. So Pareo would less exposed talking about herself.
“Yeah.. I should do that…”
“Hm?” Pareo had looked up from her reading, looking over at Pareo inquisitively. “Did you say something, Chu2-sama?”
Oh. Did she say that outloud? She needed to say something before Pareo got suspicious– she knew Chu2 only talked to herself if she was thinking too hard.
“Uh… I was just saying that.. um. We should..” her gaze wandered over to the book in Pareo’s hands. “Go ice skating. Together.”
Pareo blinked owlishly at her for a couple seconds, evidently too stunned to say something. “You… want to go ice skating.. with Pareo?”
“.. Yes.” Absolutely not.
“... You’re serious?”
“Yes! Why do you think I’m not?” Chu2 said, a little miffed that Pareo seemed so disbelieving.
“Ahh, my apologies, Chu2-sama, I wasn’t trying to doubt you!” she dropped the book to hold her hands up placatingly. “Pareo just doesn’t… well, it doesn’t seem like something Chu2-sama would… normally want to do?”
Well. She wasn’t wrong. There has never been a single moment in Chu2’s life where she ever wanted to go ice skating. Quite honestly, it looked like it would be a nightmare for her. Why’d she have to go and blurt that out? It was too late back out on it now, but mentally she kicked herself for just blurting something like that out.
With an indignant huff— more at herself than at Pareo —Chu2 spoke. “Well, you were just talking about how ‘romantic’ it was for those two-” she gestured to the manga “-to meet on an ice skating rink. So I thought that since it’s winter it would.. be nice. For us. To do that.” How did I manage to make this more embarrassing for myself?
Pareo seemed to slowly inflate with excitement like a balloon. Eyes widening as she clasped her hands together, she leaned forward. “Ohmygosh, really? You really want to?! You want t- wait a second… you know how to skate?”
Chu2 flushed the same color as her hair. She really hadn’t thought this through. “Well, no.. but you can teach me how.” She remembered how Pareo had once told her a story of how she had taught herself how to ice skate after watching videos of the women at the Winter Olympics, which was kind of crazy now that she thought back on it. How does Pareo manage to do stuff like that?
“Well..! It’s been quite a while, but Pareo could certainly try..” Pareo interrupted that train of thought. “But I… oh my, I can’t believe this! You want to go on an ice skating date together! You want me! To teach you! You want me to teach you to skate!” Pareo had gotten progressively more excited throughout her speech, and had eventually grabbed Chu2 and pulled her into a tight embrace.
“OW- hey, don’t make a big thing out of it! I just.. you were talking about it and I-”
“Chu2-sama was listening!!! You suggested it because you heard how much I liked the idea- you’re so sweet and wonderful and amazing! Thank you sososososo-”
“C’mon, I said not to make a big deal out of it!” Chu2 feigned irritation, but Pareo’s infectious enthusiasm was bringing a small smile to her own face as well. Truth be told, the idea of ice skating did not appeal to her at all, but Pareo seemed so excited now, she couldn’t say no. She wanted to go out and do something with Pareo soon anyways, so what was the worst that could happen?
She still wanted to talk to Pareo about her recent behavior, but she didn’t want to ruin the mood. She still would soon, but maybe a day out would cheer her up. She didn’t want to ignore the issue, of course, but usually treating Pareo to a day out was just the thing she needed to get her back in high spirits, or even to just get her to open up.
So, as Pareo blabbered on about “needing to get new gear”, Chu2 resolved that maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
“Goddamnit, it’s freezing out here.”
Pareo looked over at Chu2 with a sympathetic smile. “Aw, I’m sorry, Chu2-sama. But we’re almost there! Here, let me just-” she moved in front of Chu2, stopping her in her tracks, and removed her scarf from her shoulders and placed it on Chu2’s. By the time she had wrapped it around twice over, it had bundled up to her ears, and Pareo giggled goodnaturedly. “There you go!”
Any sense of being chilly earlier dissipated as Chu2 felt the heat of embarrassment rush up to her face. “.. Thanks,” she muttered. She needed to change the subject before she exploded on the spot. “So, uh, remind me again why we’re out here.”
Pareo chuckled at the obvious flush on her face, but answered her politely anyway. “To buy skates for the date that Chu2 so chivalrously invited Pareo o-”
“I get that,” Chu2 interrupted, feeling as if her ears were burning off. “I mean, like… why we need to do this in the first place. Don’t ice rinks usually have rental skates?”
“Well, yes..” Pareo pouted. “But for our first ever ice skating date, we have to make it count! We need to match! Don’t worry, Pareo will make sure we find the cutest skates possible,” she donned a proud expression until something seemed to dawn on her, folding her hands in front of her and looking down a bit deferentially at Chu2. “Ah, but, if Chu2-sama really doesn’t want to–”
Chu2 seemed taken aback by her sudden change in mood. The tendrils of worry began to climb up into her chest again as she rose an eyebrow at Pareo. “No.. it’s… fine. It’s a good idea,” she said a little slowly, gauging Pareo's reaction. “I just.. Uhh… didn’t want to trouble you.”
“Trouble me?” Pareo said bemusedly. “Oh, you could never! Gosh, Chu2-sama is so considerate… were you really worried about that? Aw! That’s so cute!'' It seemed like over the course of a couple seconds Pareo’s demeanor had returned back to normal.
Chu2 rolled her eyes. “Don’t make a big deal of it. Let’s just get this done so we don’t have to stand out in the cold for so long.”
The other girl nodded, reaching for Chu2’s hand and pulling her along. “Off we go, then!”
Trailing after her girlfriend, Chu2 tried to push her concern to the back of her mind. Pareo was always quite mindful of when Chu2 wasn’t really into whatever it was they were doing, but that sudden bout of meekness was… odd, to say the least. It only strengthened Chu2’s resolve to talk to her about it later, but for now, she’d let Pareo have her fun while they were out.
Typically, a nice quiet ride home did wonders to help Chu2 recharge after a day out. But right now, the silence was deafening. Pareo, attentive as always, had noticed that Chu2 seemed a little winded after all their shopping, so had opted to just hold onto her in silence on the train home. Pareo wasn’t particularly chatty on public transit anyways. That was normal. Typically, though, Pareo would at least steal glances at Chu2, offering a fond smile when their eyes met. Or she’d play with her hair. But today, Pareo seemed far away. Chu2 was hanging off an arm she had offered so she wouldn’t lose her balance, but it seemed like Pareo had almost forgotten she was there. The only way Chu2 could describe the look with which she stared out the window was.. detached. She wasn’t mad at Pareo for zoning out, obviously, but it was very much unlike her. It was worrying. Pareo hadn’t seemed to have gotten better in the past week, even with the promise of their ice skating date the next day. To say it was upsetting was an understatement. It felt horrible. She knew what it looked like when Pareo was trying to hide that she was miserable, and the thought of her having to shoulder a burden like that made Chu2’s stomach churn.
She had to talk to her tonight. Chu2 mentally kicked herself for delaying it this long, but it had to be done tonight. She couldn’t bear to see Pareo like this anymore. With a hardened resolve, Chu2 squeezed onto Pareo’s arm almost protectively as the train grinded to a halt at their stop.
Pareo was still unusually quiet once they got home. She was staying over again tonight, which she usually seemed quite giddy about. Rather than her usual humming as she brushed through her hair and got ready for bed, she remained in a brooding silence. Chu2 was already ready for bed, sitting cross legged with her iPad in her lap. She was hardly focused on it— it had turned off a while ago —rather she just needed somewhere to look at other than Pareo while she mustered up the courage to talk to her. She didn’t want to screw this up right before bed, but she knew she couldn’t put off this conversation anymore. With a sharp inhale, she finally spoke. “Pareo?”
Pareo jumped like she was caught in a trance. She turned to Chu2, looking a little dazed, as if she forgot she was there. “Something the matter, Chu2-sama?” she replied quietly.
Despite how long Chu2 had spent thinking about it, she didn’t really know how to go about asking Pareo about this. She figured she might as well just spit it out, so she just went with a simple “Are you okay?”
Taken aback, Pareo’s eyes widened a little. “Huh? What do you mean?”
“You seem.. off lately. What’s up with you?” Chu2 winced mentally. That was probably a little too blunt.
Pareo shifted uncomfortably, giving a nervous smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m fine, Chu2-sama!” she laughed, twiddling with the brush handle in her hands. “Perhaps I’m just a bit tired.. sorry to worry you!” she added, quite evasively if Chu2 was being honest.
She wasn’t satisfied. “No, you’re not,” Chu2 insisted. “I can tell. You’ve been acting.. weird for a while. Not like, a bad weird-“ she hastily added, realizing how awful that sounded now that she was saying it out loud. “Weird like.. well. Weird.” Well that was sure to make Pareo feel worse.
Pareo said nothing, looking a little nonplussed before her shoulders sagged in defeat. She slowly set the brush down on the bedside table, sighing heavily before looking back at Chu2 with a dejected expression. “Was I that obvious?” she spoke, much quieter than her previous frantic denial. It made Chu2’s heart squeeze.
She reached out with a hand, placing it on Pareo’s knee and patting it reassuringly. “Hey.. it’s okay. You can talk to me about it, y’know?” She felt bad that her worries about Pareo being upset with her pushing the issue were confirmed, but she knew that letting Pareo wallow in her own emotions never ended well. She could get so in her head sometimes.
Pareo seemed a little surprised at the contact, and gratefully took Chu2’s hand in her own. “I.. I don’t know, Chu2-sama. It’s a little dumb-“
“It’s not dumb,” Chu2 said in a surprisingly stern voice. “It doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s making you feel this bad, it’s not dumb.”
Pareo’s eyes watered slightly, and she squeezed the hand she was holding. With a shaky inhale, she finally began to open up. “I.. I guess it started a few days ago.. our teacher gave us an assignment on talking about what we wanted to do when we grew up, and I..” her gaze fell to her lap in shame. “I said… I wanted to be a doctor, because that’s what I’ve always told everyone. That’s what I’ve always told my mother, because… I thought that would make her proud. But.. then I met you. I’m a part of RAS now. I like being with RAS— with you, Layer-san, Massu-san, and Lock-san. I love it! But..” tears started to roll down her face, and she quickly wiped them with her other hand in an attempt to pull herself together. “I just don’t know what my mother would think of it. What everyone else back home may think. And I know she hasn’t said anything about it.. and I know I was supposed to be past this and I’m mad at m-myself for it because I don’t wan’t to make you all think I’m ashamed of you-“ she choked out a sob. “And I could never be ashamed of you but I just get so scared sometimes because what happens when everyone finds out about my life? About us?” Pareo hiccuped, the stream of tears continuing to cascade down her face.
“I’m sorry, Chu2-sama. I-I promise I’m not ashamed of you, p-please don’t think that, I just so.. so scared sometimes, and I-“ Pareo’s chest constricted with a gasp, the anxiety she had been keeping buried for so long boiling to the surface. She buried her face in her hands so she wouldn’t have to look at Chu2’s face.
Chu2 was stunned. She knew Pareo was pretty anxious as a result of her home life, but she had no idea she was bottling up this much. And the fact that she felt the need to apologize to Chu2 made her stomach churn. Pareo didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to bear the weight of the world’s ridiculous expectations of her. Especially not alone. She wasn’t good with helping people deal with their emotions, but she wanted to help Pareo any way she could, so she awkwardly draped herself over Pareo’s shoulders in a loose embrace. “Hey, hey.. it’s okay, Pareo,” she said in as soft a voice as she could muster. “Don’t apologize. You.. you have nothing to be sorry for.”
She tensed a bit at the hug, but quickly relaxed into it, pulling her tear stained face away from her hands to look up at Chu2. She rubbed at her eyes with a sleeve, sniffling loudly. “Thank you, Chu2-sama.. I’m sorry, I don’t want to burden you by crying like this-“
Chu2 stiffened and pulled away, grabbing Pareo by the shoulders and looking her in the eyes with a hard stare. Pareo gave her a panicked expression back, worried that she had offended her, but before she could let out the apology in the back of her throat, Chu2 spoke. “Hey, I said no saying sorry. You have nothing to apologize for, and you could never be a burden to me. Or to anyone in RAS,” she let out a heavy sigh, squeezing Pareo’s shoulders. “Listen, I… you-“ she huffed at her lack of articulation. “I.. I know things are rough for you. I wish I could do more to help you but.. no matter what, Pareo, I’m always gonna be there for you. I’ll have your back, no. matter what happens and no matter what anyone says. I promise.”
She couldn’t help but feel a wave of helplessness wash over her. She wished she could do more for Pareo right now. Was that really all she could say to her crying girlfriend? Did she have nothing better to offer her for comfort? Maybe she should-
A pair of lanky arms quickly wrapped around her torso, pulling her into a strong hug and effectively ending her guilt-ridden thought process. “Chu2-sama…” Pareo sniffled into her shoulder, squeezing her tight to her own chest. “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much! That means so much for me to hear, thank you so much! I love you!”
The smaller girl felt as if she could barely breathe while pulled up against her partner so tight, but quite frankly she couldn’t find it in herself to care right now. She was a little taken aback by Pareo’s abruptness, but she knew that Pareo tended to be very emotional after bottling up her feelings for a while. She returned the embrace, sinking into Pareo’s warmth. “Love you too, Pareo,” she muttered, a little out of embarrassment and a little because of the fact that she was muffled by how closely she was being pressed into Pareo’s shirt.
She eventually did release her from the hug, pulling away and cradling Chu2’s face in her hands. “I don’t think it’s going to stop being … scary for me sometimes, but.. I know I’ll always have you,” she smiled— a tear stained, tired smile, but one that filled her tear brimmed eyes with warmth and love. “Thank you for everything, Chu2-sama.”
The hands that gently held her face and the sudden earnestness with which Pareo spoke to her now made Chu2 flush beet red. Good lord, this girl was going to give her a heart attack one day. “Pareoooo,” she groaned, burying her face in her chest.
She heard a watery giggle above her, and felt the arms around her tighten their hold. “Chu2-samaaaa,” she mimicked the nasal in Chu2’s voice, much to her own chagrin. Maybe she would’ve been madder at the fact that Pareo was teasing her if the fact that she was now meant that she felt better enough to do so, albeit the quiet and slightly weary sound to her voice was a little noticeable.
“Ohmygosh! Chu2-sama, look at the time!” Pareo suddenly squawked, jostling Chu2 in her hold. “We need to get to bed now!”
Chu2 sent a startled glance back at her bedside table, only to see that the clock there read 10:16. “It’s not that late..” she said, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “We don’t have rehearsal tomorrow, and we don’t go to the rink until noon.”
“Yes, but going ice skating without being fully rested is dangerous!” Pareo pouted. “If you’re sleepy, you could lose your balance and fall! And break your face! And then I’d have to stay by your side in the hospital and spoon feed you and make sure you’re-”
“Oh shut up,” Chu2 grumbled with no real bite to her voice. “I’m glad you’re feeling better enough to be a comedian now,” she had to bite back a smirk of her own as she moved from Pareo’s arms to get under the covers. Pareo let out a giggle of her own, the anxiety that she had kept pent up from earlier appearing to have dissipated. As she settled next to Chu2 in bed, draping an arm around her and pulling her close, Chu2 could just barely hear a quietly murmured ‘thank you’ before she let sleep take over her.
“Come on Chu2-sama, just skate a little bit towards me!”
“Pareo, I’m going to die.”
“Pareo’s not going to let that happen! I promise!”
Holding onto the wall of the rink with white knuckles, Chu2 was having regrets about suggesting this particular outing. She was apprehensive about the getgo, but she had tried reassuring herself that it would at least be enjoyable with Pareo.
And that’s not to say it wasn’t. She still has greatly underestimated how utterly terrifying ice skating was.
Pareo skated closer to her, and the way she drifted so easily across the ice only made Chu2 more agitated. “C’mon,” she coaxed softly. “It’s just a little bit, just try to move a bit and then I’ll hold onto you the rest of the way.”
Chu2 gritted her teeth, legs beginning to ache from how much they were shaking. “I’m going to fall, Pareo.”
“I promise you won’t!” Pareo said earnestly. “I’ve got you. No matter what, I’ll catch you, Chu2-sama!”
Chu2 readied a retort before being hit by a sudden sense of deja vu. Pareo’s words seemed to echo what Chu2 had said to her just last night. Actually, having given it a bit more thought, Pareo had said similar things to her before. A lot of times, actually. Pareo had done her best to reassure Chu2 that she’d always support her. When she first joined the band and it was only the two of them, when Tae had left the band, and when… well, when she had a falling out with the rest of RAS. Even after the things she’d said to Pareo.. she still stayed.
Even after everything, Pareo still had her back.
Warmth started to fill Chu2’s chest. She was so lucky to have Pareo. Perhaps maybe she’d taken her for granted before, but she’d do whatever she could to change that. Even if it meant doing ridiculous, ankle straining activities like this to cheer her up, or offering reassurances whenever it got rough. No matter what it was, she’d do it, just to show Pareo the unwavering support she’d always shown her.
With a deep inhale to settle her nerves, she let go of the wall of the rink. “You’d better not drop me,” she muttered, knowing there wasn’t a chance Pareo would.