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“Berdly, don’t…” Muttered Susie uselessly, her hands clasped on face, excluding the snout.
The bluebird relaxed just slightly, seemingly satisfied with Kris’s reaction.
“...Revenge, you say? What’s the point?” Kris said thoughtfully after a pause. “You’re really a self-sabotaging kind of guy, Berdly.”
Berdly’s eyebrows jumped, his fists curling up once again.
“I may not have much talent” Kris continued, grinning horribly again, “but you’ve got a real knack for ruining your own life and of those around you.”
He was aiming close to the heart, way too close. Kris poked at his insecurities as if he was his Jungian Shadow. Like he knew what he thought every other time between his work and his drinking until the blissful forgettance. How dare he?..
Berdly paled a few hues of blue and flinched. Then his expression turned into an angry frown. Only one thing mattered right now - either he admitted he was a failure in his own way, or proved Kris wrong. Except there was no proof, only his fists and the longing for violence that all men had. To think that once he’d believed he was an exception, that he could retort verbally with precision of a rapier. But there he stood, fists raised like barbarian, unable to form coherent reply to Kris… In the end he would blame the wine, without a doubt.
Kris jumped up from the chair, but failed to completely avoid the punch aiming straight for his jaw. Berdly jabbed without finesse, ignoring the protesting screams of women at the table. The human flinched and bent as Berdly’s hit pushed air out of his chest. Kris stood his ground even now, brown curls draping over his red eyes.
At first the bluebird felt better after hurting him, however that’s as far as it would go. Certainly this was no fun like when he and Dess fought. Kris made no signs of fighting back, like if he knew damn well Susie would return it back to him tenfold.
“This fucker...” Berdly growled. He never wanted to go into this snake den in the first place.
“We are very s-sorry!” Susie apologised, her voice shaky.
“I’m not so sure you both are.” Kris tugged at his, not so perfectly alined anymore, suit.
“Even a broken cloak is right twice a day,” grumbled Berdly. His was beginning to compose himself. “We should get going, Susie. I have work to finish tonight.”
She was angry at him, but wouldn’t find reasons to object: situation didn’t leave much mood for continuing the dinner (if there was any to begin with).
Rarely Berdly regretted not giving a crap for drinking buddies from college for this long, otherwise he’d definitely rushed somewhere to drink straight till morning, alas no one would take him. Not for the first time today he regretted having so little of that nice vine of theirs.
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“You’re still angry at me for hitting that insensitive bastard?” Berdly said without looking.
He was leaning against the table with the villa miniature that he worked on. Since the petty richman had “criticisms” for the house, he now needed to concede many choices, vandalizing his own perfect work, that is if he wanted the rest of pay.
Susie didn’t talk to him since the fight. She would get over it. Berdly was just annoyed that her withholding was making him so uneasy he couldn’t focus on his work. She wasn’t at fault but he knew until this changed he wouldn’t feel right. He couldn’t afford to be so distracted.
“Would you have kept taking it yourself? You could’ve backed me up.”
He turned to look at the brunette and was surprised that she gotten uncomfortable.
“Is it because he’s your old buddy? Closet adventurers, you’ve told me before. Isn’t that sorta suspicious?” He laughed forcibly.
Susie glared at him. “You just don’t get it, do you? You’re just so arrogant...”
His prodding sure did give a reaction.
“I’ve changed for you, Berdly. But then you can’t give up even an inch of ground yourself.”
Maybe he didn’t get it, whatever. “How is it my fault? Kris had earned it…”
Susie interrupted him, shouting: “Who cares bout Kris?! Last I heard you two aren’t married!”
His eyebrows leaped as his honed imagination presented a vivid picture he hastied to throw out of his mind.
“Alright then,” Berdly uttered. “What if next time I pretend I’m not even there. Do you really prefer that kind of husband, Susie?”
She shook her head, but not in agreement with his point, he felt, but in frustration. He was winning, wasn’t he. Then, why did pit in his heart stayed so empty?
After many moments of tense silence, Berdly suddenly heard himself saying things he found surprising to hear from himself of all people.
“Okay, fine. Fine. I could do better. I suck at this. I just… I’m stuck against a wall. All this - if I admit it’s not how it’s m-meant to be then it means it’s been a lie all along, and s-so I…”
The purple she-lizard looked at him increduously.
“I suck at this too. Maybe… Even someone as short as you may hit the ceiling.” she snarked.
“Damn you.” He did feel small now, but let her have her jab.
Susie’s expression suddenly changed. “Look, I had this one idea. Once, I’d have hit whoever’d suggested it.”
“...We are about to ruin the day to somebody innocent, aren’t we?” Berdly queried her facetiously when their argument about this finally came to an agreement.
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“I am sure you understand that nobody really intrudes into your relationship here. It is merely in your interests to go through your unsatisfactions verbally.”
Berdly had this surreal feeling ever since he agreed to this counseling session. He’d have protested much more if Susie didn’t stress on that they needn’t to take this seriously. However…
The bluebird expected of this monster about as much as from a scholar social instructor (which he never visited personally but heard many times of from a true frequenter, Susie). Instead he was met with logic that made him feel like he was throwing a childish tantrum.
“Now, technically, I heard that you two think about your marriage. Regrettably, even the little of fractured information I got from you is conflicting. On one hand you claimed that mutual support is primary to your marriage, on another - that you need independence. I asked whether you had tolerance towards alcohol and you said no, but that contradicts the evidence from how you described your sparetime.” Counselor’s eyes drilled into Berdly’s.
“Please, you don’t have to turn it into an interrogation, do you?” Susie called out, only partially joking.
“Dear counselor” Berdly put up a condescending smile, “isn’t it said that contradictions are inherent to the human experience?”
“Believe it or not, my past as a doctor made me sure to base conclusions on facts. Contradiction merely lies in perception.”
Susie’s head was beginning to buzz from growing verboseness in the environment. A few days passed since Berdly’s knuckles got pressed into Kris, and now he found a new opponent. If she realized anything, the Ex-Doctor was just too polite to say that Berdy was full of shit. Eventually he gave in and moved to other topics.
“This man plays the long game, doesn’t he? We paid for the session, surely all this means he wants us to return another day, huh…” Berdly mused while Susie became the target of “interrogation” in her turn.
“Missis Susie, you mentioned you have sleep troubles. If you want my help, you would need to answer whether you think that your daytime stress is the potential cause.”
Berdly’s expression gotten aloof when she glanced at him. Conversation edged unpleasantly close to things they might have to lie about. Susie was at a nonplus, and eventually settled on redirecting the conversation. “Look, you d-don’t seem the charlatan, not like all those cashgrabbers around, heh-heh. Do you think…eh…t-that dreams can have meaning?”
The man frowned thoughtfully. “They are certainly not really something to ever rely on.”
He made a pause. “But neither is mind in general, is it? Yet we can only take what we see at face value, even when proven wrong. There is no certainty that a dream is nothing but that.”
Berdly gotten an itch to heckle the unscientifical turn of topic. However, it would be a lie to say that he didn’t entertain superstitious thoughts himself after his latest nights.
Susie described her odd nightmare then. It was like she was transferred into the head of some philosopher that wanted immortality. It was so specific that Berdly felt eerie at how similar the thoughts sounded to his own. Before he knew Susie was nagging him to tell about his snake nightmare and he had no excuses to latch onto, so he did. Ex-doctor kept his pokerface, and finally said there’s nothing he can say that would be based on his qualification. Despite himself, Berdly was disappointed.
Back at the car, Susie sat at a frontseat with phone in hand. “Well, better leave with a contact than without. You know I’m awful with names, how do I name it?”
The bluebird didn’t pay attention to people he didn’t look forward to meet again. “You do realize I didn’t care? Well, the nameplate had something slimy. Gastropod, or something.”
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Kris stood in the doorway leading to the basement.
He had his suspicions. The phonecall reaffirmed them.
Right, wrong. Even before he’d question these labels. A drug addict might know what they do is wrong, and still do it. Life confronts any preconceived notions. Even the nihilism.
Kris was cheating. Over and over he would come down to the basement, choosing the easy way. Reality wasn’t worth it to obey these implied rules. Reality wasn’t forgivable. Any distance from pain would do. Kris was special, and he would survive.
So far he did, no matter how little of the person from then was remaining. Of them remained.
They started it off with selfish reasons. But Kris of today, most of his life became a facade, almost every fibre was fake. It would be not fake if it was total, but for singular remaining tumor of knowledge, the memory.
Like the cage before, hidden metallic safe in this room contained their soul. Kris needed to reunite with it one last time.
Kris inserted numbers of the date into the lock mechanism. As it opened, small heart-shaped object inside was shining. The soul still didn’t move. Ever since the return from Card Castle, nothing struggled against Kris’s will.
The presence came through their soul before. So, if Gaster believed it was indeed back and had an influence, it must be unable to control this body anymore. He barely understood this strange power.
Soul slotted right where it belonged. And like each time before, all emotions again lost the distance the man was comfortable with, rushing straight into Kris’s being.
Misery, hope, grief, misplacement. Conflicting feelings.
And regret.
The will of Kris was his own, even if he didn’t choose this life. In truth he didn’t despise it, at least not every facet of it.
If he really hated it, it wouldn’t matter if he looked in Clara’s eyes before leaving or not.
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“Dream” is such a loaded word, just like “love”. The darkness of world beyond, only humans are so foolish to fear it. The reason is that humans need the comfort of their dreams, to pay lipservice and convince their minds that they can grasp something. True knowledge isn’t sought by them, it’s indulgence of their ancient instincts and nothing more. Worthy of their intellect are those who don’t wish to “fix” the darkness, to try to fill it with garbage that they can comprehend. The rest of them didn’t truly grow beyond a caveman, who prays to the “sun god” through the night…
…Berdly woke up, heart racing.
“Happens. Didn’t I read that it’s just the brain’s false alarm” he was trying to calm himself, heaving, his back straight and tense like a stick.
He looked at digital bedside clock. “N, 3:17. Just perfect.”
The contents of his dream were way too fresh yet. Berdly was feeling this forced indifference, as if he was 12 and just watched a horror movie and now shy to be scared of the shadows. Maybe this is what drove him to look out the windows - his pride. His head still felt strange as he found himself putting on clothes and walking into the cool air of the night.
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“Doctor?”
Pale-faced monster in a suit stood next to a half-buried structure overgrown with grass. He turned around to the voice of human.
“Oh, Kris. How is Noelle doing, it has been a while since our last counseling session.”
“Doctor, I had enough of the impressions. You sure as hell know what my inflections of voice mean. My soul is with me right now and I might kill myself if you fed me with false hope.”
Gaster squinted. “Very well, Kris, I see that you wish not to expose yourself to emotions. But do not lie. If you did not value your life, you would have taken it right after the Roaring.”
Kris flinched. “I can’t take this anymore. If that world is gone permanently, just say it now. If I can do anything about it, whatever it takes, I’ll do it. If my death is what it takes, I’d accept.”
Doctor’s expression became thoughtful. “The Twilight World, the mix of light and dark that we ended up trapped in, still obeys the commands of one that may or may not be present.”
“I control myself. It can’t be here now, can it?” Kris glanced at the bunker doors.
“Listen, Kris. The only thing standing in the way of a Demolition, is your commitment.”
“And how could I not be ready?!”
“As long as you perceive this world as your reality, you cannot do it. If you find value in whatever that happened here. Complete detachment is what it takes.”
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The darkness fascinated Berdly.
After walking almost to the edge of nightly town, he was about to turn around but saw that up above the trees far off something shone. And the sun didn’t rise from the south.
As he approached the forested area, apprehension took over him. Light flickered and looked wrong, pale and dead to him. Shadows of the branches got more distinct and chaotic the closer he got to the source. Then he saw that some mound was blocking off the epicenter. Covering behind the bunker, he saw two brightly lit men to either side.
“What the… What the fuck is going on here?!” he shouted when he recognised Kris.
The red-eyed seemed just as surprised. “How can you be seeing this?”
Suddenly the white star got fainter. Then, terrified bluebird heard him muttering something strange, the repeating “I won’t be missing him, I won’t be missing him, I won’t…”
The mister Gastropod on the other side was just focusing on the magic silently. Berdly knew one thing, Kris hated him, and there was a bad feeling about all this. The monster hated to put trust into a feeling but he knew he had to do something, fast.
Berdly with all force shoved Kris away from the light and pinned him with words “Tell me what you are doing, bastard? Tell me, is this dangerous?! I won’t let you go until I know!”
Counselor flinched, but stayed where he stood.
The human punched Berdly just as he was turning back. His face brimmed with hate so fierce, something fell in his stomach. “Screw your life you plucked peacock, step back!”
Kris wasn’t too strong for a human, but taller than Berdly and wasn’t holding back. Another punch and a kick to the gut and now he was clutching himself lying in the grass.
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“Dammit!.. Why, how did he show up?! Is it the presence?” he cursed to himself.
He had no weapons and there was no time. He told to himself that otherwise he’d killed Berdly. If it’s what it took to reset he wouldn’t hesitate, right?
At dinner, Kris found an opportunity and hurt him. He relished it. Even still, he wasn’t a killer.
No attachment. Why should killing him feel like a big deal anyway, he would reset.
“Just finish the Demolition while he’s knocked out. Be determined.”
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Light would destroy everything. Nobody told Berdly, but everything pointed to that. How could Kris be a villain, he was just a mediocre artist he barely knew, and yet. Berdly couldn’t stay out of this, this was wrong. If magic existed, Kris shouldn’t be one to hoard and use it.
He needed a medic, his insides felt really bad, a rib most definitely was broken. He shouldn’t have been moving but he did. He must’ve looked pathetic but the only thing that mattered was the light, if it stopped everyone would be saved.
Berdly stood up and shambled towards the flickering star, and maybe if he covered it with his body the light would go away, and so, he threw himself on it headfirst.
Instead of dark, everything went ablaze. For a moment, all Berdly felt was the fall and all he saw was light. He remembered a child’s voice.
“Can you fly?”
Berdly was looking around. Everything was huge. It seemed like it was a sunny day.
“Can you fly?”
He couldn’t.
All around him was a jungle to no end. If it was a dream it felt too real to his comfort.
“Can you fly?”
Was he frozen in space? Why did he feel so alone? Where was Susie, still sleeping?
Suddenly he saw the snake. It wasn’t slow at all like in his dream, but he took it all in. He saw its green scales burning in the light like emeralds, the shiny crimson eyes.
Kris. What was wrong with you. Couldn’t you explain.
“Can you fly?”
And then, the fangs.