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chan did not know how to explain this feeling. this feeling he felt, in his stomach, it was spreading upwards, making his chest tingle with warmth.
and chan's heart was beating unevenly, breath shortening, his chest overflowing with a certain emotion.
he turned to look at the boy lying across from him. the boy is looking up, counting the stars, losing count ever so often he giggles to himself, yet softly cursing the clouds under his breath for coming in his way and mixing his count.
this boy turns to his side, a smile so wide, it could light up the entire night sky. and chan wants to hold his chest and just scream, and they're on a hill, it just might be the perfect place to do so. but the silence is so beautiful, he doesn't want to ruin it.
so he settles to managing his tears from falling out, this feeling overwhelming his senses as he looks back, locks eyes with the younger and feels himself melt.
"thank you" he hears vaguely and takes a moment to snap into his senses, "what?" chan asks, his entire body shifting sideways now.
"i said thank you for bringing me here" the boy says, smiling that goddamned sunshine smile and chan wishes he was closer to a hospital because he's unable to take it anymore, he wants to kiss the other boy so hard, so silly, but he can't...he can't. the boy doesn't feel that, doesn't feel the way he does and chan wants to cry, he doesn't know what to do.
"can i..." chan starts, can i what? kiss you? no, he can't ask him that.
so he asks something else, "can i...count your freckles?" and honestly, it looks like an escape but only chan knows he has dragged himself down another spiral of despair.
these freckles, these exact freckles were what caught his eyes the first time they met. it was 3 years ago, and this boy, walked into the café that chan was working in, it was when minho was handling the orders. well, (un)fortunately, the boy didn't know korean as much as minho didn't know english.
helplessly, minho had dragged chan to the front. chan was complaining how minho needs to learn basic english and stop bringing him up at every foreign customer.
but he doesn't know if he stopped or if time did, but his complains died at his throat when he saw this particular boy, a white t-shirt, brown cardigan, freckles that were recently formed due to the sun, fiddling with his debit card at hand, a lopsided smile on his face. and chan knew he was gone.
"hello" chan tried, in english and the other boy's eyes lit up, a smile forming as a deep voice reciprocated the greeting "hello"
and chan swears he would have physically convulsed right there if he wasn't a professional, "can i take your order?"
"yes, uh a hot chocolate please?"
"sure, your name?"
"felix"
the familiarity of the boy's accent was itchy, "are you australian?"
right then, felix's smile widened even more and chan is already weak, "yes! I moved to korea two days ago, for university" he pulls at the sleeves of his cardigan, a habit chan has learnt over the years is due to shyness, "it's been hard" the boy trails off
chan softens, a sigh of sympathy leaving his mouth. he remembers when his family moved to korea from australia, it was a major culture shock to 10 year old chan, he's gotten used to everything though now so that's what he says.
at the end of this meeting, they both leave with each others phone number.
"21"
"22"
"23"
"you have 23 freckles" chan says, hands still resting on felix's face from when he started counting
"and that's how many i had yesterday too hyung" the other boy says, grinning so wide, his eyes crinkle just like the crescents of the moon, "why do you do this everyday?"
chan sighs, looking right into felix's eyes, "because no amount of stars can form constellations as beautiful as your freckles do here"
it was felix's turn to feel things he's always been feeling but this time the intensity was turned up by hundreds, his breath hitched and he removed the elder's hand from his cheeks to intertwine his hands with them, a habit that never dies.
chan scoots closer, their foreheads inches away, their breaths mingling, and both of them know, if they die now, looking at each other like this, it will definitely be a death with no regret. all they need is each others presence and warmth and the known feeling of being safe with one another.
chan squirms internally, his heart beat so fast and loud, he's sure everyone in the radius of 2km can hear it, let alone felix. so he makes the decision, abandoning all sane thoughts once his eyes land on the younger's lips.
"can I kiss you?" and if you ask chan now if he meant to say that, he would flush and claim it a slip of tongue but before he could even think of the regret, he felt soft lips on his, molding together peacefully. it was chaste, it was beautiful, it was all he needed, it was all felix needed, under this night sky, where their worries faded away and chan knew, that this overwhelming feeling that was eating him away, the warmth that always spread in his chest whenever he was around felix.
it was love.
he was in love with felix. so he whispered, just that, into felix's lips, and he knows felix understood, he understood it very well, as he whispered the words back with no hesitation.