Chapter Text
I'm standing at the window and looking outside. I haven't seen so much white in a long time. It's everywhere. It covers the road, lawns, tree branches, mixes the sky with the earth, blurring the horizon.
Snow.
This is a real gift that snow has fallen. To tell the truth, we almost given up hope for it. Kenji even offered to use some technologies, but I refused. We don't play with nature anymore. It's in the past. But now, we can no longer dispute about this. So with delight and a cup of hot chocolate in my hands, I'm watching the white flakes that fall down. It creates such a fabulous, festive, magical atmosphere that I want to smile. But at the same time it makes me a little anxious.
This is our first Christmas together. Our first real holiday that we can afford to celebrate as a big family. And I so want these new bright memorable events to be truly unforgettable and happy. So that they fill our life with colors and raptures, add volume to it.
The problem is that Aaron doesn't believe in holidays.
At all.
The Reestablishment canceled Christmas a long time ago, as this is a holiday that divides mankind. No religious or cultural differences, no distinctive features. Everything is one, the same and faceless. They introduced their own, new holidays, most of which were associated with the victories of the movement or its ideology.
We haven't fully decided what to do with the holidays yet. We want to return to what was before. But it turns out to be much more difficult to abolish globalization than to destroy the diversity that had been created by various countries and peoples for thousands of years. It's a slow process. Highly. Gradual. To bring back values, to restore traditions, to rebuild museums, to remind people of their roots…
But for ourselves personally, in a narrow circle, we decided to celebrate all the holidays that we know, that were once dear to us.
And this is another problem. Because it's possible to bring back into our lives what The Reestablishment took away. It was in power for only three years, and we weren't too young to forget everything. So the guys: Kenji, Winston, Lily and all the others, has eagerly dived into their memories, pulling out the most precious moments for them.
It works when there are such memories. But in another case…
I really always thought that my parents, foster parents as it turned out, were cruel to me. And, in fact, they were. But once again I realize that my biological parents, as well as Aaron's father, were much more terrible persons. However, these are the very people who created and led The Reestablishment. It would be foolish to expect anything else…
My childhood wasn't happy, and during the holidays I felt even more lonely and sad. Every time I only heard the screams and reproaches of my parents in my address and this remind me how terribly worthless I am. Two weeks before the event, my parents started discussing it, arguing that I hardly needed all this, that no one could be invited to me, that I couldn't be hugged and so on, and so on. So every time the holidays approached, I was afraid to hear new rebukes and insults. At some point, I stopped wanting them at all. I didn't want to be reminded again that I was a freak. And so it happened at some point, we stopped celebrating anything.
But still, I had it. I had a cake with candles, which was awkwardly handed to me and then told to take a piece that I ate in my room. They brought a Christmas tree and hung garlands. And I was even allowed to help decorate it. Of course, they reminded me not to approach them. And they didn't forget to instruct me not to damage or break anything. And I didn't always understand that I was being treated badly. I thought it was normal, that this was how it should be, that the problem was with me. But these small changes gave me at least some emotions. The lighting of the Christmas tree made me almost cry with happiness, because I could see this beauty.
And I went to school, where all the children discussed their upcoming holidays, and then bragged about the gifts they received. And a big Christmas tree decorated with lights was put up in the school yard. It reminded me of the balls from my books and the fabulous wonders of the magical fairies. I wasn't a direct participant in the celebration, but I could be around and observe the happiness of others.
But Aaron didn't even have that. He didn't go to school, and Anderson told him that holidays only discourage, knock out of the usual rhythm, accustom to idleness. He never gave him gifts, and forbade his mother to do it. Aaron communicated only with the children of Anderson's friends, future Supremes. Not surprisingly, their attitude to the holidays was the same as Aaron's. Of course, Anderson himself allowed himself to relax, drink with friends and God knows what else. But his son was deprived of everything. And although Aaron knows about most of the traditions that existed in the world, he himself has never been emotionally attached to them. For him, these are just exhibits in a museum, not real life.
I've wanted so much to give him this. Fix this experience for both of us, create new ones, our own. Maybe to invent new traditions, just for the two of us. To bring joy back into our lives. I've had sure he need it. I remember his first birthday with us. I remember our wedding. I remember how his eyes burned with a new light. And although it was definitely terribly embarrassing for Aaron, because it was uncomfortable for him to be in such an unusual situation, it was an important step for him. Even if he never fully gets used to the manifestation of love and attention to him from others, perhaps this could at least help him a little to liberate himself, to feel needed and loved, to change his attitude to the simple joys of life.
Of course, I tried to discuss it with him. Found out if he would like to get a Christmas tree, or if he would like to stick to some other traditions. Maybe he would have ideas or wishes. All he said to me was: "Anything, love. I don't care. Do whatever you want and like. I'll be happy if you're happy." And that's it. Translated from Aaron's language, this means I'm not interested and I don't need it, so leave me alone and deal with this without me, and I have more important and serious things to do.
I wasn't offended. I was upset. Because Anderson took everything away from him, sucked out the last grains of happiness. So I do as he said. I deal with this myself. Because I know I have to do it gradually. To accustom him to these innovations in his life. So that he feels that it could be nice.
I've decided to decorate our house by myself, without him. To make it a pleasant surprise. And next year we'll do it together. Just him and me. We'll start collecting our own Christmas decorations that will have some special meaning for us.
Of course I know I shouldn't put to much pressure on him. So the party that we arrange for everyone will take place, surely, not at our home. We decided that this would be at Kenji's since he lives alone. This way I saved a hiding place for Aaron, where he can retreat if he gets really uneasy. This is much more wise than inviting everyone to us, and then trying to push the guests out, spoiling everyone's mood and showing ourselves not too hospitable hosts. And it's much more cozy than a party at the headquarters.
I've thought of everything. Almost. One thing has been haunting me for a long time. Aaron was never given gifts. And I so want to give him something that would really please him. But it turned out to be harder than I thought. I need to find something that would really get him excited. But knowing how Aaron is able to close himself off from emotions, I'm afraid I won't be able to find something really worthy. And even though I've already got a gift for him, I still need a friend's advice.