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“Kazehaya Tatsumi.”
HiMERU’s voice dropped an octave, the name rolling off his tongue and seeping from his mouth like it was poison. Kazehaya Tatsumi, the good-willed saint. A kind-hearted man who followed the path of God, extending his hand to sinners with the promise of salvation so long as they repent. Kazehaya Tatsumi, the all-seeing, all-knowing savior.
Bullshit.
Tatsumi was the poison. Corrupting everyone and everything he came into contact with, coaxing them with the blood on his hands. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, leading his victims astray just so he could peel back the flesh of his disguise and devour them of all their hopes and dreams right then and there.
This man was no good-willed saint. He was the devil incarnate.
“HiMERU-san,” HiMERU snapped back to reality when the man he had pinned beneath him, Tatsumi, gasped out in response. HiMERU’s knee was driven into his leg in order to keep him in place, hands feeling the way his adam apple bobbed.
HiMERU wasn’t exactly sure how they ended up in this position - with Tatsumi sprawled under him so helplessly - however, he did recall walking up to Tatsumi’s dorm with his fist clenched, and upon Tatsumi answering, his legs moved on their own and his hands pushed him down, snaking their way around his neck.
You see, Kazehaya Tatsumi was a free man. HiMERU had that epiphany not too long ago. Kazehaya Tatsumi, who ruined the lives of so many, who watched everything around him fall apart, walked freely with no consequences. Even while his little brother was in the hospital, Tatsumi was free— and he had the audacity to wear that infuriatingly genuine smile.
He had the audacity to love anyone and everyone, the audacity to constantly drown HiMERU in his kindness, envelope him in his overwhelming touch, to love him and smile at him despite everything.
Fool. Absolute, utter fool. How can you smile like that after hurting everyone around you? Are you never satisfied, you hellspawn?
Pray tell, was this the universes way of saying ‘fuck you’ to HiMERU?
HiMERU tightened his grip around Tatsumi’s throat.
If so, HiMERU wasn’t about to let the universe win.
Squeezing hard on his neck, Tatsumi’s hands trembled and he choked up a gasp. For once, Tatsumi was absolutely powerless. For once, Tatsumi was at HiMERU’s mercy — and HiMERU liked that. A lot.
As Tatsumi fidgetted underneath him, HiMERU thought to himself. If HiMERU killed Tatsumi right here, he would deserve it, wouldn’t he? For everything he put HiMERU through, for everything he put his sweet little brother through, Tatsumi deserved to die, right?
HiMERU remembers it well. The angry mob, his brother pleading for help, pleading for his onii-chan. He remembers the way his throat went dry and a sense of dread boiled deep in the pit of his stomach. Run away. He mouthed, but he was too late. It made him so dizzy, he wanted to throw up.
He recalls after they stabilized Kaname’s condition, he cried with his head down on Kaname’s chest the entire night, fearing the steady beep of the heart monitor would flatline any second. He didn’t sleep at all. He didn’t sleep for days, because every time he closed his eyes the screams of his brother echoed in his mind.
And it was all Kazehaya. Tatsumi’s. fault.
But he’s finally got the bastard right where he wants him. That’s right. HiMERU could end this all right here, right now.
Tatsumi’s hands instinctually wrapped around HiMERU’s wrist, and he looked up at HiMERU with pleading eyes.
Kazehaya Tatsumi. Wretched, sinful, Kazehaya Tatsumi, beg for your life.
HiMERU was silent for awhile before he finally decided to speak up. Not that Tatsumi necessarily deserved an explanation. “You’ve hurt HiMERU over and over again. You’ve taken a dagger and stabbed him right through his heart.” His words came heavy. “You have, in every way, killed him.”
HiMERU looked to see Tatsumi’s reaction, the way he sputtered to respond but absolutely nothing came out because it was a struggle to breathe. HiMERU felt exhilarated.
“Now he will do the same to you. Do you wish to repent? Do you wish to cry and plead and beg for forgiveness?” HiMERU paused, leaning down. “Because HiMERU is not going to let you.”
The adrenaline rush that came with squeezing Tatsumi’s neck harder spread throughout the entirety of HiMERU’s veins, into his beating heart, and he convinced himself it felt good.
It was suppose to feel good, wasn’t it? Tatsumi was finally getting what he deserved.
It should’ve felt good. It should’ve filled HiMERU with delight to see Tatsumi under him, struggling for air. HiMERU has imagined this type of scenario many times, passing his own judgment onto Tatsumi. He’s imagined overpowering Tatsumi, watching the life slowly fade from his eyes, watch his pathetic body go limp. He’d want it to be slow, painful even. He’d want Tatsumi to plead with him, HiMERU would ignore it, obviously. He’d want HiMERU to be the last thing Tatsumi ever saw. He had it all imagined out, every detail, down to the way his hands would feel around his throat, down to the moles under Tatsumis eyes. So surely, this had to of felt good.
But as seconds passed by, HiMERU thickly swallowed, his stomach twisting.
This was… right, wasn’t it? HiMERU was doing the right thing. HiMERU was doing the world a favor ridding it of trash. It didn’t matter that HiMERUs hands were shaking. It didn’t matter that HiMERUs breath grew shallow, didn’t matter the more he squeezed the more he himself felt like he couldn’t breathe, it didn’t matter that HiMERU felt nauseous. None of that mattered.
Tatsumi had hurt him. He had hurt Kaname.
How could he ever let Tatsumi get away with that? Isn’t he allowed to be angry? For the both of them? Can’t he be the embodiment of Kaname’s rage and anger? Can’t he come in the form of Kaname’s revenge?
…Was he using that as an excuse to justify his inexplicable rage and violent tendencies directed at Tatsumi?
HiMERU didn’t want to think about that, so he pushed the thought down. It didn’t matter. No matter how much Tatsumi preached of repentance, no matter much he prayed, HiMERU—
—No. Not HiMERU…
The person behind HiMERU, whoever he was, he no longer had himself because of Tatsumi. He had trouble separating his own thoughts from HiMERU’s.
Down to the way he ate, the way he looked, down to his mannerism, his hand writing, HiMERU had to perfect all of it. He sacrificed all his hopes and dreams long ago, straining himself to become the epitome of utter perfection.
This was Kaname’s legacy after all.
HiMERU gritted his teeth.
“HiMERU lost everything because of you. HiMERU is miserable everyday and it’s all your fault.”
It was exhausting being perfect. There were nights HiMERU wished to scream until he felt physically exhausted, to cry and tear his hair out— But he couldn’t. Because HiMERU always keeps his composure. HiMERU does not breakdown, he does not and will not sully his image.
And he’ll be damned, he was doing such a good job up until now.
Maybe some part of him knew he was being irrational. Some part of him knew Tatsumi just tried to do the right thing, it was in his nature to help those led astray, it was only natural he’d become infatuated with his brother. It’s not like Tatsumi purposefully tried to hurt him.
That makes HiMERU question— would Kaname of wanted this? Any of this? Would he have wanted Tatsumi to be teary eyed on the floor right now? Would he have wanted HiMERU to live on, to continue being an idol?
And the answer is of course not.
Of course he wouldn’t of wanted this. Of course none of this was Kaname’s wish. Kaname would probably scold his onii-chan right now, probably cry out in frustration.
The more he thinks, the more he squeezes. Because that’s when he realizes it is not Kaname’s anger, but his own. This was not Kaname’s revenge, this was HiMERUs own selfish form of vengeance.
Would Kaname hate him — hate him as much as HiMERU hates Tatsumi?
“Why aren’t you dead yet?” He hissed, growing impatient. “Are you doing this on purpose?! Just to taunt HiMERU?! Just to taunt me?!”
HiMERU shakes Tatsumi, who, despite having a death grip on HiMERUs wrist, does absolutely nothing to stop him. That’s what bothered HiMERU, Tatsumi accepting this so easily. HiMERU knows Tatsumi could fight back if he wanted to but he just doesn’t. And it’s fucking infuriating.
HiMERU now wants to get this over with. He doesn’t want Tatsumi to plead, doesn’t want to relish in the way his neck spasms, he just wants it to be over.
“Just die, Kazehaya Tatsumi. Please, just — just die, you saint bastard…!”
It’s inevitable for HiMERU to steal a glance down at Tatsumi’s expression, and the moment he does he can feel his heart skip a beat.
Despite the tears streaming down Tatsumi’s face, despite how purple and hazy he looked, Tatsumi was… Smiling. He was smiling. He was smiling the best he could, looking up at HiMERU with as much strength as he could muster.
It horrified HiMERU. He could feel sweat bead down his neck.
He wanted to look away. Oh, how badly he wanted to. Because the more he stared, the more the bitter taste of bile grew in HiMERUs mouth. Held captive by Tatsumi’s expression, he studied him one last time. Through his tears, Tatsumi stared back. Even as HiMERU was killing him, fingernails digging into his throat, HiMERU saw no malice, saw no hate, and though Tatsumi’s hands were practically bruising HiMERUs wrist, there was some form of sympathy, fondness in his stare. It felt a little too intimate for HiMERU.
Part of him wanted to be mad at Tatsumi for that. How could someone be so irrational? How could someone be so idiotic? How could you love someone after they’ve hurt you countless times? How could you keep persisting?
How could you look at me like that when all I want to do is kill you?
This was getting to be too much. HiMERU squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe if he just didn’t look at Tatsumi the feeling would go away. It will be over soon, won’t it? The struggle will stop and everything will be okay again. Everything will be okay.
He could still feel Tatsumi’s grip on his wrist, he could still feel Tatsumi under him.
Everything will be okay. It’ll be okay.
Tatsumi’s expression from before was burned into HiMERUs eyelids. He couldn’t escape Tatsumi no matter how hard he tried.
It’ll…. It’ll be okay.
Don’t think. Don’t think about it. Just get it over with and stop thinking about it because you’ve come so far, you can’t possibly stop now.
He could— he just— just a little tighter and—
“H-Hi..M..”
HiMERU withdrew.
Upon letting go, HiMERU immediately pulled himself off Tatsumi. He scampered backwards like a spooked animal until his back hit the wall, the erratic rise and fall of his chest in sync with the beat of his heart.
He watched Tatsumi grasp his throat, hastily sitting up to sputter and cough and gasp in a desperate plea for air.
HiMERU recalls only ever seeing Tatsumi so frantic once before this — but HiMERU rather not think of Reimei now. To take his mind off of it he looks down at his wrists. They were bruised from Tatsumi’s grip, most certainly. His hands shook, tracing the bruises over, aware of the lingering ache that came afterwards. HiMERU was almost impressed, he probably would’ve been if he didn’t feel like throwing up. Besides, it was so hard to think with Tatsumi wheezing so loudly.
He closed his eyes, hugging his knees. He didn’t want to look at Tatsumi. He didn’t want to hear him either. He tried his best to regain his composure, burying his face into his knees. This was a mistake. He shouldn’t of let this happen. He let his emotions get out of hand and he made a horrible, horrible mistake. HiMERU is suppose to be perfect, and here he was, letting his anger fester and get the better of him. He acted — irrational. He acted silly, he acted selfish.
“God… damnit...!” He muttered, digging his fists into his hair until his knuckles turned white.
Selfish. He’s such a selfish human being. How could he possibly atone for his sins now? Kaname would never forgive his onii-chan for using him as an excuse to attack Kazehaya Tatsumi.
It was quiet now, and HiMERU could hear the faint sound of shuffling. Inhaling, HiMERU looked back up. He was immediately met with Tatsumi, staring directly at him, face inches away. HiMERU felt uncharacteristically self conscious under his gaze.
Amidst the silence, something uneasy was stirring in HiMERUs gut. He could have just ruined HiMERUs career. Tatsumi could report him for assault, the bruises on Tatsumi’s throat were enough proof for that, and the perfect idol known as HiMERU would gradually fade to oblivion.
He could just leave. He could just leave and pretend this never happened, pretend to have never shown such a side of himself to Tatsumi. HiMERU took one last deep breath. He’ll just get up and go. There was no point being here anymore—
“Hello, HiMERU-san.”
HiMERU blinked. Tatsumi was.. greeting him. In a friendly manner no less. HiMERU studied Tatsumi’s expression to look for any form of anger, and yet, nothing.
HiMERU cleared his throat, wary. “..Pardon?”
The priest sat on his knees, hands placed on his lap. Tatsumi must have taken note of HiMERUs confusion, so he opted to elaborate. “Sorry.” and he laughed, albeit coughing afterwards. “I just realized, we never properly greeted each other when you came in.” Tatsumi’s voice was hoarse and raspy, but it still had that soft tilt to it.
HiMERU sat in silence, Tatsumi still looking at him expectantly. HiMERU forced himself to maintain eye contact, to not let his gaze linger down to his neck.
“Ah.” HiMERU said, a quiet sound from the back of his throat. “It… seems we didn’t.” He paused. “Hello, Tatsumi.”
Tatsumi smiled, and HiMERU made no attempt to reciprocate. Despite that, and after a few seconds passed, Tatsumi shuffled to sit beside him. They fell back into silence.
Was Tatsumi purposefully acting like nothing happened? HiMERU felt a little thankful for that. Nonetheless, HiMERU felt so naked, felt so vulnerable. It wasn’t his intention to let Tatsumi see him like this, wasn’t his intention for Tatsumi to even be breathing right now.
“Are you okay, HiMERU-san?”
HiMERU blinked again, back to reality, looking over at Tatsumi. His brows were scrunched with worry, lips parted as if he wanted to ask more than if he was okay. Despite how disheveled Tatsumi looked, he still made an attempt to seem presentable. HiMERU couldn’t help but pitifully laugh.
“HiMERU tried to kill you, and yet, you’re the one asking him if he’s alright?”
“Don’t you recall?” Tatsumi began. “I have, in every way, killed you.” HiMERU went quiet for a moment. They both went quiet. HiMERU knew he wasn’t talking about the bruises on his wrist.
Tatsumi momentarily waited for HiMERU to say something, and when all he got in reply was the deafening silence, he continued on. “…May I hold you, HiMERU-san?”
The question was out of the blue, nonetheless, HiMERU kept his guard up. He’s not sure why he was being so defensive, after he’s already shown Tatsumi so much. The damage was irreversible, and HiMERU was going to have to swallow his pride sooner or later.
“What for, Saint Tatsumi?”
Tatsumi didn’t seem to have a rebuttal, and almost sheepishly, he smiled. “I just want to.”
The way Tatsumi said it, like he was talking to a scared animal, it almost made HiMERU angry again. HiMERU does not need your sympathy, he bit back.
“…You may hold HiMERU.”
He doesn’t dwell on why he let Tatsumi take him in his arms for long, and he doesn’t admit that his embrace is warm and nice when all he’s made Tatsumi out to be is cold and harsh. Tatsumi gently stroked his back, the rise and fall of HiMERUs chest anything but steady.
. “…Your heart is beating so fast.” Tatsumi commented. “It’s okay, mine too.” As unnecessary as it was, Tatsumi was right. HiMERUs heart was racing, and he shook with great vigor. It was a pathetic display. With his face smooshed against Tatsumi’s chest, he made note of how fast Tatsumi’s heart beat, too. At least they were both pathetic.
“You seemed so angry.” Tatsumi’s voice came out slow, barely above a whisper. “What you did was out of hurt.” He stated it so matter-of-factly, continuing to stroke gentle circles on his back.
“HiMERU…” He thought carefully. “…HiMERU did and said things he should not of said. He let his emotions get the better of him, and acted irrational towards Tatsumi. That’s all.”
Tatsumi stopped stroking his back after that, hand idly sitting where his collar bones jutted out. “HiMERU-san,” Tatsumi breathed, voice graver than before. HiMERUs shoulders tensed, and the familiar sense of dread filled his stomach yet again. “Do you wish to kill me?”
The question made HiMERU freeze, eyes widened where Tatsumi couldn’t see him.
Did he… want to kill Tatsumi?
The answer was caught in his throat, and he wasn’t sure why. He was certain it had been yes. It had always been yes, hadn’t it? Ever since Reimei, he would pray for Kazehaya Tatsumi’s demise. That was the whole reason he came here, so why was it any different now?
Despite his feelings towards Tatsumi, wrapping his hands around his throat— for some reason, it disturbed HiMERU. To really watch Kazehaya Tatsumi die, it was disturbing, contradictory to the adrenaline rush it didn’t make him feel good at all.
“I can see it in your eyes when you look at me, you don’t like me. But it’s okay, I understand why.” Tatsumi laughed at that, wheezed another cough. It was a bittersweet thing, and HiMERU knew he was implying a certain failed revolution. “So would killing me make you happy? I’d atone for my sins that way, if it would make you smile.”
Deep down, maybe part of him was envious of Tatsumi. He tries so hard to better himself, and HiMERU fount it pitiful.
He doesn’t admit that he’s imagined caressing Tatsumi’s crying face, roughly holding it to his, and whispering what a pathetic creature you are. How dare you try and better yourself. You’re suppose to suffer.
You’re suppose to suffer with me.
He knows it’s childish, and maybe part of him wants Tatsumi here with him so HiMERU wouldn’t feel alone.
HiMERU should better himself, he really should, it isn’t healthy to think like this, but what else is he suppose to cling to? Tatsumi got so close to Kaname. He wanted that with Kaname, too— but one of the only senses of familiarity he shared with Kaname was HiMERU. And he never felt a deep connection to anyone else in his life. Is that why he couldn’t kill Kazehaya Tatsumi? It gave him a headache to think about, to seek refuge in the very thing he loathed.
“No.” His voice came out so clear, it surprised even himself.
“..Ah?”
“HiMERU—“ He exhaled. “I meant what I said, you’ve hurt me. You can reap for repentance as much as you want, it won’t change a thing. You couldn’t save him.” He admits, and he looks up to meet Tatsumi’s gaze. “But neither could I, and ‘HiMERU’ is how I’ll atone.”
Even if this is not the legacy Kaname would have wanted.
“…I don’t want to kill you.”
And theres a moment where it finally clicks for Tatsumi, that he’s staring at a stranger. HiMERU knows Tatsumi’s had his own speculations, but it’s HiMERUs own fault for being so careless. There’s no one to blame but himself.
He’ll make Tatsumi’s world a living hell if he tells anyone. But he won’t, because he’s Tatsumi. There’s a mutual understanding from both of them.
After a brief moment, Tatsumi resumes stroking his back. HiMERUs shoulders relax and he lets his forehead rest against Tatsumi’s. “I care, so very, very deeply for you, HiMERU-san.” HiMERU doesn’t say anything to that, because of course Tatsumi cares for someone he barely knows. He just closes his eyes and let’s Tatsumi embrace him. He can’t find himself to care that it’s Tatsumi.
“You’ve been suffering in silence for so long. I wish you would let me in. You don’t have to be alone. I’ll be here right beside you to carry your burdens.” HiMERUs eyes flutter open to look at Tatsumi, and he’s so close.
He wants to hate him. Oh, how badly he wants to continue hating this foolish man.
“I’ll bear the crown of thorns, if it’s for you.”
HiMERU thinks back. Tatsumi wouldn’t tell anybody about this, would he? He won’t report HiMERU for assault, won’t even tell his unitmates about it. He wouldn’t do anything detrimental to HiMERU because Tatsumi was far too nice for his own good, too accepting, too forgiving.
It makes HiMERU think.
“…Why do you promise such things?” He questions. “Someone will take advantage of your kindness, just as before.”
“No, HiMERU-san.” Tatsumi shakes his head, and looks at HiMERU with big, purple eyes. “Just you this time. Just you.”
“…”
HiMERU silently grips Tatsumi’s shirt, and they both look at each other with a sense of longing. HiMERU supposes, in some way, he does long for Kazehaya Tatsumi. Even when his heart aches at the sight of him, Tatsumi never fails to fill his senses, invade his mind and curse his dreams. Its a rinse and repeat, a silent, one-sided game of cat and mouse. HiMERU is still angry with Tatsumi, he will continue to be angry with him, and Tatsumi will continue to stare at him with plain adoration. When the day comes that HiMERU can look at Tatsumi without feeling that stinging pain in his heart, perhaps HiMERU will welcome Tatsumi with open arms, just as Tatsumi does for him.
Their lips brush, just barely.
HiMERU leans in.