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“I killed him,” Pitch said quietly. North studied Pitch. He was hunched over, knees to his chest.
“I meant it to be permanent, too.”
North sat on the couch, staring at the dwindling fire. It was about a year after Pitch changed his ways. There had been a lot of argument between the Guardians about him, with Pitch standing off to the side and watching. He’d said nothing the whole time.
In the end, they didn’t accept him. They didn’t get the chance to. Bunny hadn’t forgiven him for the death of his people. Tooth was still angry with Pitch, but she was more forgiving than Bunny. Sandy was quiet, thinking rather than saying anything. Jack had been the most understanding, but constantly checked in with Bunny about how he was doing. After all, the genocide of his entire species was a big thing to apologize for. But it wasn’t any of their choices. Pitch drew himself away, avoiding the Guardians.
Until North opened up the door to his study and found Pitch observing the fireplace. At first, North had tensed, hands going for his swords. But Pitch wasn’t an enemy anymore.
“And the Pooka,” Pitch sighed, running a hand over his face. “I murdered all of them. A genocide.” He looked over to North, a smile built with grief on his face. North raised an eyebrow. He didn’t know that Pitch remembered that. Pitch looked over at North.
North had nothing to offer, if Pitch even wanted that.
“North,” Pitch started, then grew quiet. He seemed to want to say something, anything, but he couldn’t.
“I was a soldier once,” North said. “I remember the man I killed. I didn’t know him. He carried a picture of a woman and a small child with him.” He closed his eyes. “I wasn’t not sure if the man’s family thought about the killer of the man. If they did, they would hate me.”
“I fought shadows when I was a general,” Pitch said, a small smile making its way onto his face. “I didn’t kill anybody until I became me.” He gestured to himself. North nodded.
“I didn’t even remember it,” Pitch continued. “I forgot about my life, before. I thought I was simply Fear until I was Pitch.”
North knew about Pitch not remembering his life, but he didn’t know that he got them back, somehow. Pitch wasn’t as evil as before, but he was slowly getting worse. Manny noticed Pitch starting to over-do his fear, bringing out the earlier days of the dark age. It had been the Moon’s idea, granting Guardianship to Pitch, to keep Pitch from worsening.
“I remembered,” Pitch murmured. “And I was terrified. My actions…every one of them…” He ran a hand over his face. “I’d fallen far.”
“How do you do it?” Pitch asked. “Remembering what happened, and still be… a Guardian.” The fire crackled, the wind outside howled. It was dark, the sun refusing to come out until the warmer months.
“We were at war,” North said simply. “If it wasn’t him, it would’ve been anybody else. Maybe even me. Doesn’t mean I don’t hate what happened, or that I don’t see a dead man when I close my eyes. But, it’s better not to give into it.”
“It wasn’t war, what I did. It was completely one-sided.”
Pitch stared into the fire, dull eyes carefully watching the flame. He sat up and stared at North, meeting his gaze.
“You were fighting to survive,” North offered. Pitch chuckled darkly. His old excuse. Survival. With belief becoming more and more scarce, Pitch knew he was doing better than those without belief. He didn’t need to fight, didn’t need to maim.
“Would Bunny say that? Sandy? The man in the Moon? Anyone that is left from the golden age?” North shrugged.
“I do not know.”
“You offered me a place here once,” Pitch said.
“You once refused.” Pitch laughed, shaking his head.
“I keep thinking. About that day. I swore vengeance against you like you actually did wrong against me.” He folded his hands in his lap, avoiding North’s gaze again. “I keep wondering what I would be if I had accepted.”
“Bunny would’ve been angry.” Pitch chuckled at that, wiping a tear away with a gray hand.
“I wouldn’t blame him.”
Pitch stared at the fire, and then at nothing.
“Pitch,” North said, “You don’t have to be forgiven.” Pitch snapped his eyes over at him. It was teetering on being mean, even cruel. Maybe he deserved it. But Pitch knew that North wanted to say more.
“You’re right, there is nothing you can do to make it up with them. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be better than before.”
“How?” Pitch asked, “How can I be better?”
“Try,” North replied. “Trying is half the battle in the beginning.”
“What’s the other half?” North smiled.
“Living with yourself. Finding yourself.” Pitch sighed.
“It’s hell,” he said.
“A lot of things are. Jack called Moon ‘Satan’ once.”
Pitch blinked.
“Really?”
“You’re not the only one Jack is cross with. Manny left Jack alone, you know. Jack said they have ‘beef,’ doesn’t make sense. There is no cattle.” Pitch stared at North.
“You’re joking. I thought-“ Pitch paused. “What other dirty secrets are you Guardians hiding?”
“Not secrets.” North shrugged. “Jack would gladly talk about it with you if you asked.”
Pitch sighed, wringing his hands together. “Everyone I can interact with fears or hates me.” Pitch stared at the window. “I thought I loved it, and for a while I did. But I was alone. I had power, and I was utterly alone. I was scared.” He sighed, leaning back. “They have a right to hate me. I did terrible things.”
“They do,” North agreed. “But it still matters if you try or not.”
Pitch sighed, watching the fire with dark eyes.
“If I try, they’ll still hate me.”
“It’s better than doing nothing, no? Forgiveness isn’t owed to you because you're a better person now.” Pitch nodded.
They sat in silence, the fire crackling with a dying flame and the wind howling like a wolf.
“I’m sorry,” Pitch said quietly, “I almost killed you, back in Santoff Claussen. I didn’t know how you lived.”
“If we sat here and listed everything you’ve done we’d be here for long time.” Pitch grimaced.
“Well, I’m sorry anyway. I was wrong. I don’t have an excuse or an explanation.”
North was quiet for a while. Pitch held his breath, listening to the fire as the silence stretched into shadows.
“Thank you,” he said finally. “You’re trying. I appreciate you trying.” Pitch nodded, sighing in relief.
“I’m trying.”