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Ritsu has always…been a little different and he realized that rather quickly.
It wasn't these psychic powers that had laid dormant in him for a long time, until jealousy and these jaded feelings that took over that made him think this. That wouldn't be for quite a while. It was something more personal, more ingrained in a person.
He's just sort of always noticed boys more.
It wasn't unlike he was unaware of girls, they were just, fine, and that was it. It's always sort of been that way. It went beyond just getting along with them better or just being in awkward teen phases, it just made more sense with guys.
Guys who wouldn't even look his way and he was fine with that. He always knew he was a little off, a jagged piece too sharp for anyone to hold on to. He knew it was weird, odd even, almost more than discovering he had psychic powers too.
Being gay felt right, but wrong at the same time. Sometimes, he hated how it felt, not because it was wrong, not because others would judge (god, they would), but because it felt suffocating almost to be tied down by a simple word that burned its way into his skin. Marked, scarred forever, as if he was simply cattle, unable to scratch away what he is.
He became jaded and narrow-minded, he knows. He was filled with envy, jealousy, and every dark thought stirred in his mind until he reached his boiling point, until he was on the brink of destruction, of himself and his brother.
That's how he met him.
A…weird kid.
He's very odd.
Always wearing a smirk, as if he knew he was the one in control, and watching closely, with eyes that took in more than they told. He was a wild card, something like a stray cat. It was like he was on edge, constantly watching everyone who came near, as if they could eat him up at a moment's notice if he didn't scare them away.
What he didn't expect was for him to be abused and beat down like most abandoned cats. Terrified, confused, falling back on the only thing they know: violence.
If you asked Ritsu's honest opinion of him, well, he'd be embarrassed to say he's someone full of courage. It burns inside him, like a fear, and in many ways, it is. It's bravery born out of the fear of everything that could go wrong, if he stands behind his father and remains a good little boy, like every kid wants to be for their dad.
They say that being blood-related doesn't mean anything if they're willing to hurt you. They say that the bonds of friendships are stronger, that you choose your family but it's a little more complicated than that.
It's more than the bad days, of the stern glares and the harsh words that deteriorated him. It's more than a simple argument, hands flying and words burning. It's not just that. It's destroying a bond between the only person he had in the first place.
Shou is cocky, albeit he is powerful, that's no lie, but it's different.
Shou was brave and stupid and a lot like him. With some reason born with a power that festered inside him, fear spreading over his skin like a second layer, an old cardigan he used to wear during bad days, and with nothing but hormonal irrational feelings and lackluster teenage brain to work with. Against a man that he hated, detested, yet loved, a man that was family, that is family.
When Shou initially asked for his help, he dragged him around on the battlefield with him, spouting these ideals about him, that there was something different to him. He might have held his hand, dragging along away from enemy’s lines of sight, but he couldn’t have felt more farther away, as if he was completely on his own, isolated from anyone that could help.
He wasn’t seen by his father, or really anyone that wasn’t looking for him to meet some benchmark. When he fled, no one cared, despite knowing and being all too aware of his plans, of his rebellion. Shou was a loud force to be reckoned with, hard-headed and stubborn to the core with a heart of gold, but right then, he must’ve felt invisible, a person his family could forget about if he didn’t fit his mold.
The falling debris should have made it hard to think. The screaming enemies, the taunts and teasing hums should have drove him insane, on the edge of something irritated with that familiar warmth of energy being held so tight within his hands, and yet, he didn’t feel any of that, even when he should have.
Surrounded by enemies, in a city abandoned, and with no clue how this war would end, it was the first time Ritsu really saw Shou, for him and not that façade of the confidence he clung to, and when his hand trembled, he held tighter, and knew better than to say a word.
They had a war to win, after all, and they needed to focus on that, but lately, it’s become harder to focus on anything.
It was becoming hard to let go of Shou, more and more, as he got to know him. As his father’s power failed and the numbers of soldiers relented, Japan taking its city back, the more he got the chance to know him outside of all of that. Beyond the psychic powers they hide and the battles they fought but rather just normally.
No powers. No deadly threats against people he loved. No battles to be won for the sake of the world.
Just them.
And it turned out, he hated that more than anything else.
Not because it wasn’t nice that Shou had a vested interest in him. It was actually nice to talk to someone other than Teru and his brother about psychic abilities and CLAW, but because he actually did like having him around. He was still relentless, still with confidence ringing through his veins, but the smile he wore felt more real, more wider, and it satisfied something deep inside him.
He hated it because of that feeling.
He likes Shou.
Being gay was one thing.
Being psychic was another.
But having a crush on a straight dude, that wouldn’t go away? Oh, that the worst.
Usually, it wasn’t this bad, but usually , they went away after a week or two. This didn’t. It stayed and it festered until he found himself losing track of the words on the pages of his textbooks, thinking about what he might be up to or recalling a funny joke he managed to mess up the day before. His brother even asked why he was smiling to himself, it couldn’t get worse than this.
And Shou was straight. There’s no way he’s not.
There’s no way he’s into Ritsu, not a chance, but why does he make it so difficult for him? He’s always so close and never for a good reason. Always some dumb excuse that sounded ripped out of one of his mother’s romcoms.
Oh, I’m just cold, c’mon, let me in. He said, shoving himself inside Ritsu’s own jacket during the late winter. Here, let me see, turn it this way. He scooted closer until their side were squashed against each other and his warmth burned as he did nothing but focus on some dumb video he was watching that he can’t even remember now.
He’s so frustrating and there’s nothing he could do. They’re just different people, it’s fine, it’s not like he had any hope of having a boyfriend in the first place. He’s always seen it as an unrealistic goal, one that would make everything in his life crash and burn, so even if Shou was gay and godforbid, liked him? He wouldn’t even know what to do about it.
He feels like a mess.
An organized mess, he can’t fall apart over a guy, even if he wants to some days, but a mess all the same with no way out.
1
Hamsters.
He has hamsters.
He has hamsters, in a spacious cage on top of his dresser, almost like a throne of sorts. It’s big with a green plastic bottom while there are three separates levels of the cages, almost like floors, for the hamster to play on and go around in. There’s a hamster wheel for it to get some sort of exercise, a feeding station where he’s treated to only the atrociously most expensive brand of kibble there is probably, and even a little nesting area with a hide-away spot.
One’s ginger with large white spots. Another has a brown back with a white belly, cute even. When you get near, it starts sniffing you, as if its deciding if you’re food or not. It’s tiny nose twitches, the whiskers jumping around on its small face, and with beady eyes, it stares up at him, as if judging him.
“They’re my angels,” Shou says, almost cocky. Okay, no, he definitely says it like that with that smirk on his face. He’s enjoying this, every second. “My little diamonds in the rough.”
“You sound gross right now, I hope you know that.”
Where others would be offended or annoyed, he just laughs, as if it comes easy to him, but it’s real and it eases something inside his chest he doesn’t want to think about.
“So what do you feed something small as them?”
“You can actually feed a hamster lot of stuff in your kitchen, you just have to portion control. Make sure it’s the right size and not to give it so often. They have have diced or naturally small fruits like grapes or cut cucumbers. He loves those. You can even feed a hamster tofu or boiled eggs, some people even feed hamsters insects.”
“What about you?”
“What? You think I just have dried cicadas laying around?”
“Do you?”
At that, Shou shoves him, shaking his head. It burns where he touches.
“I usually just give him cucumbers. Did you know they make these cutters? You can cut vegetables and fruits into shapes like stars and hearts and flowers…”
“You have one, don’t you?”
That nervous smile gives him away.
“You not only have hamsters you are seemingly enamored with but you also know everything about caring about them, apparently, but not only that; you cut cucumbers into hearts and stars?”
“Hey, he’s my boy, he needs to grow up big, strong, and loved !”
“You sound like one of those bento moms.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Shou huffs, looking redder a color than he did before. He’s not seriously blushing, is he?
“Are you embarrassed?”
“You’re looking at me like I’m an idiot.”
It’s like someone drew the contrast up on his face. It’s amusing and a little too much excitement for him.
“You’re already an idiot, either way,” Ritsu shakes his head and turns towards the door. "So I guess you're a good hamster dad?"
"I'm the best, what do you mean?"
"Correction: an obnoxious hamster dad. I'd hate to see what you'd be like with actual kids."
"What the hell?" Shou says, affronted and gasps dramatically. He's tiring but sadly endearingly so. "I'm gonna be a great dad, I'll have you know! Hell, I'll show you!"
He couldn't imagine Shou as the typical family. One with a white picket fence and three-bedroom house with chaotic mornings and PA meetings at the school in the afternoon. His kids would laugh on the bus, carrying matching wrapped bentos, and a wife that knows his favorites and tries to sneak in the vegetables she knows he loathes.
It seemed too normal, too mundane for someone with so much. He was burning with energy, with this fire that couldn't be quelled, that even his father got scorched in the end.
Yet that was his fate.
He would one day meet a woman that made him feel like settling down, of becoming a family with her. He would buy a house because children need so much room and he'd rather die than give little, like his own father.
He was promising him that now. A life with his family, perfectly normal. A wife, two kids, a stable job, as it should be, some say.
It was inevitable, yet he knew his heart was foolish from the start and like many things in life, you can't control it, you just have to live with it.
“So where do you keep them? With the other silverware? Or with your tupperware drawer?”
Shou glares at him but it’s not as nearly harsh as he knows it could be. When Shou is serious, that terrifying gleam in his eyes could make you almost surrender to anything, but this time around, he was the one with a racing heart. This was kind of fun, he had to admit.
"The star cutters?"
"Yeah,"
“...tupperware drawer, why?”
“So I can him some,” Ritsu says, clear cut. “It’s rude to come over and not give him some sort of snack, don’t you think?”
Shou stares before he gets this stupid look on his face.
“You’re right, he deserves a treat!” He grins, turning back to the cage and towards the hamster inside. “You have been acting very nice to Ritsu, good boy, that’s right! Be nice, don’t bite!”
If he’s going to crush on a straight guy, couldn’t it at least be a smart one?
2
He is in trouble.
He is close, way too close to be considered normal, too close Ritsu’s blood is burning inside him and his face feels like he’s shoved his way into a toaster oven kind of burning, but he can’t show any of it. What would Shou think? Would he avoid him, the only real friend he’s ever made?
Something in him tells him Shou isn’t like that, that he wouldn’t mind Ritsu’s sexuality, that he would just smile and say, “So?” in that sort of comforting way that makes his chest feel enwrapped in warmth, not the type that burns like this but the type that thaws away every fear that irks him.
But even so, either way, he’s too damn close.
‘Does he have to walk so close to me?’ He asks himself, looking down at the ground as they make their usual route, well, his usual route. Shou just started tagging along. Ever since he’s fought with him, Shou has been fitting himself into his life in any space he can. He texts him good morning and sends him updates on the hamsters then asks if Ritsu can have lunch in his school’s courtyard so he can sneak in and have lunch with him too. That’s not even the end of it either, later, like now, he walks him home, as though he’s a maiden in distress when he’s clearly not , and then he texts him his random thoughts that Ritsu thinks are stupid, way too stupid to be anything but silly shower thoughts but Shou still took the time to tell him so he replies anyways.
He feels a bit helpless around him. His world was quiet, simple, for a long time and then, like some kind of explosion, there’s loud noises and these bright colors that burn his eyes but he can’t look away from because when will he ever see something like this again?
Shou has his own life away from him, he knows, yet he tries to fit himself in every part of Ritsu’s, as if he needs to.
“Eh? Shou-kun, is that you?”
A female voice, cute and delicate, calls out to him.
There’s something in his eyes, like he knows that voice, and he turns looking at her. She’s dressed in a middle school uniform, he can tell that much, even if they go to different schools, and it’s his. He’s seen it more than once on occasion with how much Shou rushes like he doesn’t have any time in the world.
“It is you!” She says, smiling wide, pretty and sweet. She walks over to them, where he begrudgingly stops to wait for him, and looks up at Shou. “I thought you didn’t live around this area, isn’t your house the opposite direction?”
“Oh, yeah! But you see I’m hanging out with my friend here.” Shou says and the girl turns his way.
“I’m so sorry, I got a little frazzled seeing Shou-kun that I didn’t even see he had company. It’s so nice to meet you, I’m his classmate!”
She’s normal. She seems kind and nice, like something ripped from a shoujo manga, the one that lines his mother’s bookcases at the bottom. She’s what he assumes to be the perfect girlfriend material.
“Hello, I’m Ritsu Kageyama,” He copies her, bowing as a greeting and musters a polite smile on his face. “You’re alright, we were just walking home.”
“Eh? Really? You live around here? So do I!” The girls clasps her hands together and there’s this joyful smile that spreads across her face. “Maybe we could all walk home together, if you didn’t mind that is!”
“I’m fine with it.”
“Really! Then that’s — !”
“What are you saying?” Shou suddenly says, throwing his arm around Ritsu’s shoulder and dragging his head down to his height. “Sorry, this idiot didn’t get the memo that we’re hanging out. Another time maybe?”
“Oh sure, sorry!” She says, “I’ll see you at school then, okay?”
Shou grins and nodding swiftly before she scurries off.
“What the hell was that?” He shakes Shou’s arm off of him and turns to face him.
“Don’t invite a girl on our outing, that’s mean!”
“What outing? You’re walking me home! Like you always do! What is there to do besides walk?”
Shou does this thing where he pouts, like a petulant child, and he’s doing right now, confusing the absolute hell out of him.
“It’s us time,” Shou defends, “You always have to study for exams,”
“And you should too! How do you plan to get into a good highschool spending every waking second around me?”
Shou stares down at the ground, making the gear his head turn, before he looks up with some sheepish grin.
“So you’re saying I should try to get into yours then?”
“What?”
“Alright, I got it! We should study together then, problem solved!”
“How — how did you get that from what I said?!”
“Hey, come over my place this week! I’ll get some good food and energy drinks, all the good brain power stuff, and we can study together. You can see the hamsters in person this time instead of over the phone, it’ll be fun.”
“Stop deciding things for yourself!”
“But you’ll come, won’t you?”
He’s grinning, like he’s already won, and Ritsu can feel his heartbeat in his ears.
He’s starting to think he hates oblivious straight boys.
“Fine, but we’re actually studying, no goofing off.”
“Of course!”
3
He’s just here to help him study, that’s all there is to it, even if Reigen hums at him like there’s something more, even if Mob smiles like he knows, even if Teru acts like he can see right through him, like he understands, he is just here to study, that’s all.
His hamsters are sleeping in their comfy little loft, their names of Nade and Tsunz, it turns out. He ended finding out in a text, after meeting them, because Shou is an idiot and is lucky if he has any functioning brain cells left.
That’s a bit mean.
He deserves it, just a bit.
He stares down at the textbooks, making his way through the kanji to try and understand this new formula for science but nothing permerates past his brain.
Shou is horribly distracting, it turns out.
He’s been in this room, more than a couple times, by now, but it feels different. The rug of the carpet runs warm against his school pants and he feels like he’s intruding almost, entering a space that was never his, and never would be. He was a puzzle piece that didn’t fit, despite how much Shou seemed to try and make him stay, and he was out of place, that one thing you didn’t know what to do with but keep.
He can tell himself he’s here for Shou, that it’s to help study more since he’s horrible at it, that he’s being a good friend, but he isn’t. He’s doing anything but that.
He’s here for himself.
He likes Shou, a lot. A lot more than he ever thought he would.
He likes that he walks him home and makes time for him, even on the bad days, and that he invites him over at every chance and interrupts his dull moments of silence with a million texts about nonsensical things. If he was Teru, or anyone else, he would have blocked and ignored him in a heartbeat, but he’s Shou , so he tolerates it, because he actually likes the way he always reaches out to him first, as if he’s his most important person.
"Hey, what are you doing, Ritsu? I thought I told you that you could put on some music!” Shou, the object of his mind, snaps him out of those frivolous thoughts, of the reminder of what’s festering underneath his skin.
“We’re supposed to be studying, remember? Listening to music would only distract you.”
“But silence is so boring and it makes me exhausted! I need to listen to something . It helps me focus, promise!”
“How do I know you’re not lying?”
“Look at me, would I ever lie to you?”
“You literally have, in the past.”
“That’s in the past, I’m talking about the present!”
He grins like he’s getting a kick of it and he doesn’t feel like arguing otherwise he might just combust so he gives up.
“Fine, whatever, just hurry up already? You’re late.”
“I’m grabbing snacks and drinks, shush! Don’t rush perfection!” Shou tsks, wagging his finger in distaste. “You can use my phone, it’s already connected to the speaker so it’s fine! Whatever you want to listen to!”
And like that, not giving him a chance to protest, scurries off like how his hamsters do whenever they’re mad.
Music.
Music he likes…
He's pretty basic when it comes to music. He likes J-Pop alright and Reigen has a way of forcing him to listen to old bands, the ones that were really popular when he was a teen, but he's never been into specific genres. Some songs he likes, some artists release consistent good songs so he'll follow them, but not much beyond that. He's the type of guy to just turn the radio on whatever and enjoy just that he's never been faithful to particular artists or genre.
Just, whatever is fine?
Staring at a weird playlist has him confirming him and Shou are very much different in terms of taste and style.
He did say he listened to whatever was on, but…
sad country tunes
What the hell is this ?
A collection of songs are gathered in a playlist staring back at him. At the bottom of the screen, a song called 'Stupid Boy' is paused, meaning that it was the last song Shou listened to. With the speaker on. In his room, alone.
Songs about girls, about roads and trucks, about heartbreaks drowned in beer and ale-8, filled with southern drawls and strange slang that made no sense to his head.
Shou had listened to this ?
American country music? Of all things?
Men, tanned but obviously white, clearly unabashedly American, dressed in flannels with denim jeans lining leather stereotypical boots he had only seen in Western shows when flickering through the channels, were on every album cover. They stood on red pick-up trucks, holding a brown bottle or a guitar in hand while looking at the camera with a shit-eating grin.
Luke Bryan, Keith Urban, Jason Aldean, Reba McEntire, Lee Brice…
These were all English names of English artists and English songs.
Shou…is an interesting person.
So, he listens to sad country music in his spare time, huh? This is the kind of thing he seeks out?
A snort makes its way out of him before he can stop himself and he shrugs his shoulders, for no one but himself, and thinks, 'Ah well, might as well'. He finds himself hitting play, hearing a voice of pain singing through the speakers.
Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy
Oh, yeah, Shou is an idiot for sure.
It took a while for her to figure out she could run
Yup, Shou is definitely straight. It doesn't matter how close he gets to him, how he spends all his time with him, how he stares at him like he's the center of his weird universe, this is the truth — he's straight as can be.
But when she did, she was long gone, long gone
There's a clabbering of feet against the floorboards before the door being thrown open, the handle slapping against the handle stopper on the wall violently.
"What — what are you listening to?!" Shou shouts, red and embarrassed, and out of breath.
"Apparently, the music you like. I guess you like country stuff, huh?" He says, staring at the playlists, reading over the titles and getting a kick out of it. Shou burning red has to be one of his favorite sights.
He turns back to him with a smile he knows he hates, "So, can we study now?"
4
Shou’s desk was…interesting to say the least. In comparison, Ritsu’s was boring and plain, the most intriguing thing about his is that there was a spoon, bent in half, stored alongside his pencils and pens. It’s a long story. Shou’s on the other hand? It was messy, uncoordinated, like the word “neat” meant nothing to him. Papers laid sparsely on the top of wooden desk, nice but old he could tell, something he kept from when he was much younger. Pencils, pens, erasers, you name it, were scattered among it, not even a cup to keep them stored. They were just there, hoping to not roll off with every sudden movement either of them made.
The wall he had his desk pressed against had everything taped to it. A calendar hung on the wall, skewed, tilted to the left. It took everything in Ritsu to not make it straight and even. Plastered amongst the ivory paint, middle school events were hanging from pieces of barely hanging on tape. Orientation, festivals, dances, parent-teacher conferences, you name it, a flier was there, reminding you about it. He even had sticky notes pressed alongside the mess, somehow still hanging on, with little tidbits and reminders. Something about taking pills that were in the bottom drawer, feeding a plant he apparently had but was nowhere to be found, to check in on CLAW.
The stranger things, however, were the strange items scattered not just in his desks or drawers, but around his room: Plastic dice with rubber wrapped around it with strange sides: a joystick, buttons you could click, a metal ball you could roll. Some kind of weird rainbow slug, of all things, that was the strangest of them. The others were colorful lines, one that cracked as you moved them, and items that held something like rubber poppers in them, allowing you to push it back and forth. The most normal item was abandoned, overused, old rubix's cube. The paint was wearing off, he could see the gaps between the lines where he had twisted them so much the pieces had begun to separate.
He picked up the weirdest one, the slug, and it made a sound as he moved it.
Odd.
Are they just toys? Or weird destressing things he’s never heard of? Reigen has a bunch of stress balls stuffed in his top drawer so he knew those things existed but never like this.
“Ritsu, how long does it take to — hey, what are you doing with him!” Shou shouts, accusingly, as if it’s his fault he leaves these things out in the open. His desk is a constant mess, does he expect people to not notice?
“Why do you have a slug?”
“Oh c’mon, you’re acting like it’s real! It’s just a funky thing. Can you hurry up and grab a pen? I want to know if I did this right and I can celebrate or if you’re going to laugh in my face at how bad I am at this.”
“A…funky thing?” He finds himself staring the slug before glancing over at all the other little gadgets spilled around the room, in almost every corner, within sight and reach. “That’s what you call these? Are they decorations, what are they?”
“Ah geez,” Shou huffs before relenting. “They’re…fidget toys, can you not be weird about it? They just help me focus. My teachers hate them so it’s not like I can bring them in with me so I use them at home.”
“They help you focus?” He places the slug down and grabs the rubix's cube, sitting dangerously on the edge of the desk, and takes a look at the paint barely clinging on.
“Yeah,” Shou says, scratching the back of his neck, like he’s embarrassed, as if he’s ashamed. That’s so strange. Why should he be? “I just get so distracted a lot, yeah, yeah, I know you say I’m always like that, but it’s just kind of…me. It’s not something I can stop, I can only manage.”
He thinks of his brother, like he does a lot.
He thinks of his meek brother who didn’t speak for years so he learned sign language. He thinks of his brother who hates the feeling of denim and wool, how it burns and shocks him when he touches it, and how tears welled up in his ears the first time he was forced to wear a wool sweater for the holidays. He thinks of the way his hands flap, how some days he rocks back and forth insistently until the chairs starts squeaking.
He thinks of his brother and the first time he smiled talking about something he liked, really really liked, and how the doctors said he would always be this way.
Ritsu was fine with that.
He likes his brother the way he is, who he is.
“It’s, like, this thing called ADHD. I’m hyperactive or something, that’s what they say, I’m just a bit rowdy I guess. That’s what my mom always said, my dad was never really around to say anything so.”
Ritsu’s fine with this too.
He, embarrassingly, loves Shou a stupid amount and something like this isn’t going to change that.
“So it’s kind of like stimming? Do you do that too?”
He watches as Shou’s eyes jump up from the ground, as if he was expecting disappointment to slip off Ritsu’s tongue, to scorn him for a thing he can’t control.
“Uh, yeah, sometimes, when I just…I don’t know? Feel it? It’s hard to explain. I just get this urge and I feel better when I do it and…”
He’s probably never talked about it to anyone else but Ritsu.
His parents are never home, he barely has friends his age outside of them at his own school despite being popular, and his teachers aren’t any better it seems.
“I get it,” He says. “It’s fine if you stim or want to use them. I’m not bothered by them.”
“...really?” He says, carefully.
“Yeah,” Ritsu says before sitting by him and offering him the cube. “Truthfully…my brother was diagnosed with autism ever since I could remember. He didn’t talk for the first five years and my parents were always scrambling trying to figure out what was up. It was that. My brother stims a lot sometimes, he’s broken a few chairs of mine even, and we don’t a single wool rug in the house. So, it’s cool with me. You don’t need to hide.”
Shou looks down at the cube.
As if on cue, his fingers start rubbing together and he grabs the cube before happily turning and twisting it, enamored by it.
“Thanks,” He says so softly, it feels strange.
“What are you thanking me for?” He snorts, “This is normal.”
He really does like him.
His smile is sweet, a sight for sore eyes, and he watches his fingers methodically work through the puzzle greedily.
A quiet moment like this for him, he’s sure doesn’t make his heart beat, even if Ritsu’s burns.
He really likes that smile of his.
5
Ties.
What do you look for in a tie? Shouldn’t this be one of those special moments as a man you remember for the rest of your life? Like what name you choose for your first car? Something moronic like that?
He doesn’t understand them, they all look pretty much the same to him. Stripes, dark colors, same shape always, so why are there many of them?
He grabs on, it has a royal blue background with white and darker blue stripes running diagonal along the fabric. This is fine, isn’t it? He just needs a good tie for his graduation photos, that’s it, and his old one got lost in the laundry machine like all good socks do.
“Is that the one?” Shou says, calling over to him further away than he remembers him being. Ah, yes, that’s right, this guy invited himself along for the most boring shopping trip possible.
“It doesn’t make a difference, does it really? I mean, they all feel the same.” He turns to him, holding it between his hands. “The fabric’s soft so I guess that’s a plus but besides that, there’s not much to a tie.”
Shou is standing an accessory stand, filled with pretty and outright feminine things. In the area, hair clips, jewelry, watches, and handbags are gathered in a neat display, as if alluring a shopper to come and take a look. His eyes keeping glancing over them and his body is leaned more towards the stand than to him, the person he’s shopping with, he almost looks antsy to take a look, as if he’s stopping himself.
People say men are more straightforward than women. They’re honest, blunt, to the point, and don’t care about frivolous unreliable things like feelings. That’s where they’re wrong, besides their eagerness to degrade women but that’s another argument for another day. Men, especially guys like Shou, are the worst.
Confusing, odd, never clear with what they want. They tag along anywhere they can, with no real reason for it, just to ‘hang’ or ‘spend time with you’ and you get dizzy from the amount of questions that fills your head.
Why? What for? Couldn’t they spend their time doing something better than being at your side, constantly?
What was his real reason for joining him?
It’s not like he’s necessarily wanted tie advice or anything. It’s not like Shou knows the secrets to men’s fashion or how one shade of blue completely changes a look but it’s a little insulting that he’s focusing on something completely unrelated to their outing.
“What? Do you want something from there?” He finds himself asking when Shou seems off in space, stuck in his own mind, before his eyes shoot open and realize he’s gone silent.
“What no — I mean, if you want to buy me something, I suppose I wouldn’t mind accepting your generosity, Ritsu.”
“Not in a million years.”
“What the heck! Why ask then? That’s just plain cruel to get my hopes up like that!”
You’re one to talk.
“Because you’ve been inching towards it ever since we entered in and you’ve been glancing at it like if you look away, it’s going to disappear and you’re never going to see it again, what’s going on?” He asks. “Are you trying to get a gift for someone or something?”
His face flushes, as if he’s been caught.
“Sort of. I mean, I like feminine things so I thought I had an eye for it or something but I’m not the best at choosing it…”
Something dark strikes him and the bitter taste in his chest almost sends him spiraling.
Keyword, almost.
He snorts instead, shaking his head. “What? Did you get a girlfriend?”
“Eh?”
He walks closer to him, right next to the stand, and takes a look at what’s inside. Golden and silver watches, brand new and polished align the bottom. At the top, black purses with golden clasps and chain arm straps in different shapes and designs gather. In the middle, different types of jewelry align it. Small and large earring varying in style, bracelets adorn with simple and eccentric jewels, and even classy rings. It’s truly a stand aiming for a girl’s heart, or wallet.
“If you got one, you should be spending time with her, rather than me, y’know? She’ll get lonely real fast.”
“Wait, wait, I don’t have a girlfriend!” Shou says, “It’s just — it’s my mom alright? Her birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to get her. She has money to get her own stuff and everything she already wants she has, plus, we have different ideas of what makes a good accessory you know?”
“What are you, a fashionista?”
“I could be!”
He shakes his head.
“What? So you don’t have any one you like?” He finds the words falling off his tongue before he can stop himself and he hears his heart stopped in his head.
There’s a moment of silence, tense and awkward, before Shou starts.
“Well, I didn’t say that…” His fingers rub against each other, in a familiar pattern. “But I don’t think they like me back so.”
“Oh,”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry,”
“It’s okay,” Shou smiles but it’s almost pitiful.
His chest hurts.
For him or Shou, he doesn’t know anymore.
“Do you want to, I don’t know, get ice cream or something?”
“You’ll buy me ice cream? I thought you said you’d never pay for anything I wanted in a million years.”
“I’m feeling a little generous now…”
“Alright,” Shou grins and his heart feels a little bit more put together than before. “I’ll take your offer then, I want mint.”
“Ew.”
Video games.
He kind of likes them, when he’s good at them. His brother plays some from time to time, unless he’s really hyper fixating on one for a while, and usually he joins in then. He remembers once when all he would play Sky: Children of Light and that was fun. A simple but really gorgeous game, he goes on from time to time to play, but usually he’s not much of a gamer himself. Shou, on the other hand, has the bottom of his bookcase lined up with videogames, some still wrapped in their plastic and some with worn case holders.
He’s playing this one now, he’s not sure how he got here. Shou said he wanted to play this game but then couldn’t focus at all. He made fun of him, like he always does, and somehow the controller got shoved in his hands instead. He’s never been a competitive person so when Shou challenged him, he was confused.
He was red in the face, glaring like he’s never done before, and it was odd. He didn’t seem angry but frustrated, far beyond what he’s ever seen, even when he faced his father. That means it must be something really serious.
Shou would tell him if something was bothering him, right?
He wasn’t really one for challenges but he seemed like he needed a break so why not? What’s the worst that could happen, besides him having to eat his words at not being bad at video games? A little embarrassing, sure, but if it could help him feel better, maybe it isn’t so bad.
He’s wandering around in an abandoned building that’s definitely not abandoned, by the way, something is lurking around. It’s an old company the character he’s playing is revisiting, for whatever reason, like all good indie horror games. This is one of those dozens he’s downloaded but never bothered playing which makes sense why he’s horrible at it, in hindsight.
It’s dark, even with the flashlight the game gave him. He’s a little on edge, he won’t lie, the sound design of this game is amazing in a horrible way. Every little step, every little click of his flashlight, every scratch can be heard, as if he’s truly in a build of that size with no one in sight. It’s eerie.
He wanders through the halls of the building, following the hints the game is giving him, and sees red absorbed into the walls and floors of this place. He can hear footsteps approaching, heavy breathing gets more and more clearer, and he feels like if he turned around, that monster would definitely be there, waiting for him to make a fatal mistake.
He won’t turn around, he’s definitely going to get too scared to move if it is there, so that’s a bad idea. He needs to get out of here, he should use the other joystick.
“Hey Ritsu,” Shou says, at the worst possible moment, as footsteps echo louder until it’s no longer an echo and he hears his heart in his ears. “I’m gay.”
There’s a scream that begs to make it’s way through his throat but he holds it back as every part of him jumps against his seat on the floor next to Shou, a horror of screams destroying Shou’s speakers as the monster grabs his character and presumably kills him as he’s greeted with a Game Over screen.
His arm is touching Shou.
Their sides are touching.
Shou doesn’t move away and the words he said, as if they were nothing, begin to process through his mind.
Shou moves closer, a warmth of skin his body can’t begin to understand.
“And I like you.” He says, so so easily. “A lot. Not a friend way, but a boyfriend way, okay? I really want you to think about it, if I…”
He says, grabbing his hand, burning him.
“If I make you uncomfortable, sorry, but…you said not to hide from you and when you asked if I had a girlfriend last week, I felt like I was. I couldn’t keep lying to you, I’ve sort of always thought you were interesting but I guess I got attached and I, I don’t know, I like you, a shit ton.”
The words don’t compute easily in his brain, as if they’re another language.
Shou is gay.
Shou is gay and likes him.
Shou is gay, likes him, and is holding his hand.
His face burns brighter than a million suns, he’s sure.
“I’m such a idiot .”
“Oh did you guys finally start going out? Congratulations!”
“Teru if you don’t shut up, I’ll bend your arm in half.”
Shou just grins, holding his hand, like it’s the most joyful thing in the world and he burns red.