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“Do you remember what you said earlier, about how you miss opening gifts?” Hua Cheng asks suddenly. “I have a surprise for you.” Even over the phone, Xie Lian can hear the grin in his voice.
“San Lang,” Xie Lian protests, guilt gripping his heart. He’d wanted to make a gift of some kind for his best friend, just something small and simple, but he hadn’t even managed that… “I don’t have anything for you.”
“Then it’s a good thing the surprise is also a gift for me,” Hua Cheng says, sounding smug. “I thought of everything, gege, don’t worry. Accepting this surprise is the best gift you could give me.”
Xie Lian opens his mouth to ask what he means by that -
“Stay in bed, gege,” Hua Cheng says. “It’s just me.” And keys rattle at Xie Lian’s front door.
Panic rises in Xie Lian’s chest. He glances frantically around his room, shifting to get up. There are trash bags rotting in the corner, laundry scattered across the floor, dirty underwear in full view - there’s his vibrator -
“Stay,” Hua Cheng says over the phone, his tone commanding compliance.
Xie Lian lies back down, heart thudding.
“I don’t care if there’s a mess,” Hua Cheng says softly. The front door creaks open, and Xie Lian hears his next words both through the phone and in the still, stale air of the apartment. “I’m here for you, not how you or your apartment look today.”
Xie Lian wonders if he’ll go back on that when he sees the state of things in Xie Lian’s bedroom right now - the state of Xie Lian.
A few seconds later, Hua Cheng is stepping through his bedroom door. Xie Lian sets his phone down, ending the call and glancing up with wide, panicked eyes. He’s sure he looks awful, and smells worse - he hasn’t managed to shower in weeks -
But Hua Cheng just smiles gently at him, leaning over to press Xie Lian down into his pillows. Xie Lian relaxes obediently, as much as he can manage, and he’s rewarded with a soft kiss pressed to his forehead.
“Merry Christmas, gege,” Hua Cheng murmurs against his hairline. His arms snake around Xie Lian’s shoulders.
Xie Lian almost cries at the relief of being touched by someone who doesn’t seem to care what he smells like, or how gross he must be. His own arms come up to circle Hua Cheng’s waist.
“Why are you here?” he whispers. “Don’t you want to enjoy your Christmas?”
“This is already the best Christmas I’ve ever had,” Hua Cheng responds. Xie Lian can find no lie in his voice.
His heart breaks, as it often does, for Hua Cheng’s childhood.
“It’s nice to see you, San Lang,” he tries, his traitorous body refusing to let go of Hua Cheng’s waist. “You were very kind to visit. You can just put the gift on my bed and go, I know things -” me - “are kind of gross right now.”
Hua Cheng laughs. It reverberates through his chest, pressed to Xie Lian’s, and Xie Lian smiles in spite of himself.
“You’re not getting rid of me that easily, gege,” Hua Cheng says, his voice full of mischief. “I’m staying the whole day. We’re having a Christmas lunch, and then a Christmas dinner.”
Xie Lian tenses. His kitchen… he doesn’t think he has a single clean dish, and he’s been living off of random things from his pantry for a couple days now. There’s nothing for a Christmas meal, let alone two.
“I brought all the ingredients,” Hua Cheng reassures him, seeming to read his mind. “All you need to do is give me the honor of carrying you to the couch.”
“San Lang,” Xie Lian laughs, nervously scooting further down into his blankets. “I can walk.”
“And I’ve seen you without pants on already,” Hua Cheng continues, ruthlessly crushing his next objection. “Let me get you a blanket, and then we’ll move over.”
It’s true. Xie Lian hates doing it, but he’s given in before, in moments of weakness, and allowed Hua Cheng to help him in the bathroom. Only when he really, really can’t manage on his own.
Hua Cheng is always perfectly respectful, touching Xie Lian no more than he needs to, looking away whenever it’s not absolutely necessary to see what he’s doing. Xie Lian is grateful for it. He wouldn’t mind Hua Cheng looking and touching a little in a different context, but not that one.
Shame heats his cheeks just thinking about it.
“Whenever you’re ready to let go of me,” Hua Cheng teases, distracting him into a different kind of embarrassment.
Xie Lian hurriedly lets go, and Hua Cheng laughs as he moves to the closet, effortlessly maneuvering around the mess Xie Lian has made of the floor.
When he helps Xie Lian stand to wrap the blanket around his legs, the strong, steady arm supporting Xie Lian makes it so, so tempting to just give in - give up on carrying his own weight.
Xie Lian almost does.
And then he’s scooped off his feet anyway, cradled against Hua Cheng’s chest.
“Do you want to help me with the peas?” Hua Cheng asks, his deep voice rumbling against Xie Lian’s body. “I hate shelling peas. There are always so many of them.”
Xie Lian laughs, surprised into a wide smile that he hides against Hua Cheng’s soft shirt. “Silly,” he chides. “Get bigger peas.”
“Bigger peas taste wrong, though,” Hua Cheng whines dramatically, and Xie Lian laughs again, charmed by his San Lang’s eccentricities.
Hua Cheng sets him on the couch as if he were a delicate princess, tucking the blanket in around his feet.
“I need to wash my hands if I’m going to help with the peas,” Xie Lian protests, struggling slightly. “And I should shower, too. I should wash my hair, it’s so greasy, and you can’t have not noticed how I smell, San Lang -“
Hua Cheng takes his hands, pinning him with a stare, and Xie Lian settles.
“I don’t care,” Hua Cheng tells him firmly. He takes a packet from his pocket, ripping it open with his teeth. An image flashes through Xie Lian’s mind - Hua Cheng doing that, but with a condom - before he ruthlessly squashes it.
Cool wetness slides over Xie Lian’s hands - a sanitizing wipe, he realizes. Does Hua Cheng think he’s so useless he can’t make it to the bathroom?
“Much easier, right?” Hua Cheng says gently. “Now, do you want a few more of these and some dry shampoo, or would you feel better with me helping you shower, or just starting in on the peas?”
“San Lang,” Xie Lian says despairingly, staring at the long, elegant fingers so carefully cleaning his. “You’ve invited yourself in for the whole day. At least let me try to be a good host.”
“Look at me,” Hua Cheng says.
Xie Lian does.
“It doesn’t bother me at all, gege,” Hua Cheng says, his gaze intense. “It doesn’t matter to me. Do you think I’m lying to you?”
Xie Lian shakes his head slowly.
“Then would you be more comfortable with me helping you get clean, or just staying here?”
“Staying here,” Xie Lian whispers, shame hanging over him like a dark cloud.
Hua Cheng smiles, a brilliant thing that feels like a reward. “Thank you,” he says, instead of That’s gross or Can’t you at least try to use the wipes?, and stands up to head toward the front door.
Xie Lian watches him go, his mind suddenly providing him with an image of Hua Cheng leaving, having decided that Xie Lian is too much trouble to deal with on such an important day. He opens his mouth to plead for forgiveness he doesn’t deserve -
And Hua Cheng returns, lugging a huge bag stuffed full of groceries.
“San Lang,” Xie Lian laughs, surprised out of his panic. “Did you buy the whole store?”
“I have a second bag, too,” Hua Cheng says, grinning. “Don’t worry, I know what you eat.”
Xie Lian sits helplessly as his best friend digs through his comically large bag of comically restricted food. Against his will, holiday cheer begins to bubble in his chest.
He can indulge a little, can’t he? Hua Cheng seems to genuinely be having fun.
When he shells the peas Hua Cheng hands him along with a bowl, he does it with a smile on his face, watching Hua Cheng move around his apartment, transforming it into something presentable.
“There,” Xie Lian says, pushing his bowl away, at the same time that Hua Cheng steps out of the kitchen.
“Perfect timing, gege,” Hua Cheng says, smiling at him. “You really helped me. That’s my least favorite task.”
Xie Lian feels like he’s been rewarded once more. That beautiful smile - he doesn’t know anyone else who gets the privilege of it. It only appears when Hua Cheng is looking at him.
Hua Cheng takes the bowl, disappearing into the kitchen again.
“You know another way you could help me?” he calls. “Deciding on the spices. I always think these recipes taste boring. I put everything next to you.”
Xie Lian glances to his side, surprised by the presence of several bowls, a few sheets of paper with recipes printed on them, and a ridiculous amount of different spices.
He barely notices when Hua Cheng comes and stands next to him.
“That’s a lot of salt,” Hua Cheng comments. “Maybe we could use about half of that particular mixture. It looks interesting, though.”
Xie Lian nods, distracted. “I dropped the shaker, and it bumped the little spinny thing on the top,” he explains.
Hua Cheng makes an acknowledging noise. “I’ll have to make sure that’s taped down next time,” he says, as if Xie Lian’s bad luck is just a normal problem to be accommodated without comment.
Hua Cheng acts as if all Xie Lian’s problems are just normal things to be accommodated without comment.
Xie Lian blinks back tears, studiously focusing on adding spices to his various bowls until he feels he can look up at Hua Cheng without bursting into tears.
He tells Hua Cheng which spices are for which dishes, and Hua Cheng nods seriously and carries everything to the kitchen.
Xie Lian stares after him wistfully, envious of the ease with which he moves through the world. As if it’s his to command, as opposed to a malevolent force beating down on him until he collapses in exhaustion and pain.
Xie Lian takes inventory of his body by reflex and is surprised to note that his pain is muted, not much worse than when he’s resting in bed alone - though he’d gladly trade pain for this.
He wonders how many of the next few days he’s sacrificing to allow himself these few wonderful hours. Probably not nearly as many as they’re worth. (Maybe even none.) Hua Cheng takes such good care of him.
He suspects that if he asked, Hua Cheng would stay and take care of him through those days, too.
He feels awful even thinking of it. Hua Cheng deserves to be wild and free, out in the world causing problems to the powerful and cruel. Not cooped up in Xie Lian’s sad little apartment, tending to a -
“Gege, I’m all done,” Hua Cheng interrupts him, flopping down onto the couch beside him. "Now we wait for it all to cook.”
Xie Lian tips his head back, a wordless smile creeping onto his face as he gazes at the man he loves. Hua Cheng looks so satisfied. Maybe Xie Lian can be a little bit selfish, a little bit of the time.
As if on cue, his gut seizes, sending pain shooting through his body.
Hua Cheng glances at him.
"I need to use the bathroom," Xie Lian says reluctantly through a haze of pain. "In a bit."
Hua Cheng doesn’t touch him or speak while he waits out the cramp, and he’s so grateful.
It fades, and he turns to Hua Cheng. "Can you…?" he asks, then trails off, mind too foggy to find the end of his sentence.
"Whatever gege needs," Hua Cheng says, and offers his hand.
They make their way to the bathroom, the blanket discarded on the couch, Xie Lian too distracted to feel ashamed of his bare legs.
In the bathroom, Xie Lian pulls away, pushes down his boxers, and sits heavily on the toilet.
"Do you want any help?" Hua Cheng asks, and Xie Lian looks up to see him carefully looking away.
Xie Lian makes a negative noise - he’s unwilling to make Hua Cheng help with something so disgusting when he doesn’t absolutely need to - but then: "Will you stay?"
"Anything you want," Hua Cheng says, as if it’s a foregone conclusion, and folds himself into an elegant pile on the bathroom floor, pulling out his phone. Xie Lian is grateful for the pretense that he isn’t paying attention.
He does what he needs to, vaguely aware that he’ll feel embarrassed later about Hua Cheng hearing him - but right now, he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t want to be alone.
He finishes, and - exhausted to the point of losing control of his muscles - collapses onto the floor.
He never hits the cold tile. Instead, he finds himself cradled in Hua Cheng’s warm arms as tremors wrack his body.
"Just a minute," he says weakly, giving in to the safety and comfort surrounding him.
Hua Cheng hums in assent, and waits until Xie Lian asks to help him back into his boxers.
He wraps Xie Lian in two blankets, this time, before going to take care of the food.
Xie Lian slowly stops shivering and begins to doze off, feeling cozy and cared-for. His guilt ebbs away, forgotten, as sleep pulls him in.
He feels Hua Cheng sit down beside him. He blinks up at a tender, quietly happy expression that makes his breath catch in his chest. Hua Cheng is beautiful. How is someone like him looking at Xie Lian like that?
"You need to eat," Hua Cheng says softly. "Then you can rest. I can give you your gifts later."
"Gifts," Xie Lian repeats, dazed. Gifts, plural, as if this day hasn’t already been the best gift he’s ever received. He accepts the bowl Hua Cheng hands him. "San Lang, you didn’t have to."
"I wanted to," Hua Cheng says simply, and for once, Xie Lian thinks he might believe him.
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful Christmas miracle, if he had someone who truly wanted to take care of him, even when it was unpleasant?
He barely tastes the food. It’s good, probably, and he’s sure it’s nutritious and avoids his sensitivities. But he would eat stale, moldy buns if he could do it with Hua Cheng beside him, telling him stories of the incompetent bigots he’s humiliated most recently, laughing every time Xie Lian voices a dry, snarky observation about one of them. Well, it’s true, that picture Hua Cheng showed him of that greedy CEO was very unflattering. He should try being a good person to offset his unfortunate face.
When Xie Lian starts to droop, Hua Cheng gently takes his bowl from his hands, setting it somewhere. "Do you want to go to bed?" he asks.
Xie Lian shakes his head, not wanting to be alone. His bed is far too small to ask Hua Cheng to cuddle with him, even if he were shameless enough to voice a request like that.
He tips his head toward Hua Cheng’s shoulder, instead, cautious and slow.
Hua Cheng moves, and Xie Lian worries for a split second that he’s going to get out of the way so Xie Lian can sleep on the couch - that’s not what he wanted! he’s too embarrassed to explicitly say he wants to sleep on Hua Cheng’s shoulder - but Hua Cheng just scoots them around until Xie Lian is in a much more comfortable position, draped over his chest with the blankets tucked in around him.
Of course Hua Cheng knew what he wanted, without him having to say anything. He always does.
Xie Lian mumbles a thank you, nuzzling into Hua Cheng’s soft shirt. (And his very nice chest.) Hua Cheng is so wonderful, thinking of things like nice shirts to avoid irritating Xie Lian’s skin, and wipes to clean his hands more easily, and tasks Xie Lian can do to genuinely help while not overexerting himself.
Hua Cheng, and all his care for Xie Lian… it feels like it can’t be real. This whole day, his whole friendship with Hua Cheng, feels like it must be a joke, or something given out of pity.
But as Hua Cheng murmurs an always, gege and settles his arms onto Xie Lian’s waist, Xie Lian lets go.
He allows himself to believe: Hua Cheng truly loves him, regardless of the state of his body or his mind. He enjoys taking care of him. He wants Xie Lian to ask for help.
The long-denied truth settles into Xie Lian’s bones, warming him from the inside.
He has one person who accepts him as he is, who wants to share his life with him.
That’s enough. Hua Cheng is more than enough.
"Gege," Hua Cheng says quietly.
"Mm?" Xie Lian says, not trusting himself to say more.
"Thank you," Hua Cheng tells him. "For letting me take care of you. I know it’s hard for you, but I meant it when I said this is the best gift you could give me."
Xie Lian hides his face in his beloved’s steady chest, knowing that tears are soaking into the fabric, but for once not caring that he’s getting someone dirty.
Hua Cheng wants his dirtiness, his exhaustion, his fragile, damaged body and mind.
Xie Lian places himself in the strong, capable hands holding him close, and allows himself to believe that he is enough, too.
He’ll never be the man he believes Hua Cheng deserves: someone perfect, a laser-sharp mind, an athlete’s body. He’ll never even have a functional body - he’s given up on hoping for a miracle cure. All he can do is live with what he has.
If they ever have sex - Xie Lian can’t understand how Hua Cheng would be interested in that, but he’s seen the way Hua Cheng looks at him, he knows that he is interested - Hua Cheng will have to do almost everything. (Desperately, he realizes, he wants that. He wants Hua Cheng’s touch in every way possible. He wants to learn what it’s like to share pleasure with him, for his body to be something good just for a few moments.)
If Hua Cheng wants a life with him, Xie Lian will need to tell him very candidly what his limitations are - though he’s not sure how many are left that Hua Cheng doesn’t know better than him.
He’ll never be anyone but a broken Xie Lian. But perhaps a broken Xie Lian is still worthy of care.
He knows Hua Cheng believes that.
Perhaps, slowly, he’ll start to believe it too.