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For Marinette, loving Adrien felt like living in a trance. It was a mindscape; a reverie she could escape into when her mind swarmed with its relatively dark thoughts. It could never hurt her because he’d never feel the same. If she could love him from a distance for a lifetime, the reality of their inability to be together wouldn’t affect her. He was Adrien, and she was Marinette. They were on two different wavelengths, and for now, she learned to be okay with that.
Or maybe loving Adrien was a distraction, a preoccupation to keep herself from facing the truth.
Love was supposed to be the last thing on her mind anyway. After losing the Miracle Box due to her adoration for her classmate, she couldn’t risk putting her feelings before anyone else’s. Not again.
So why did she feel herself falling? Why did she sense herself loving a boy she knew she couldn’t be with?
And why was it so painful?
Marinette wasn’t sure when she fell in love with Chat Noir. Maybe it was when he stayed by her side despite her constant efforts of pushing him away. Maybe it was back when they first met, and he lifted her spirits when everyone else awaited her failure. It didn’t matter when it was. Because she couldn’t love him. Loving him made her feel like the world was slipping out of her hands. Like she was losing control. Like she was a statue under a body of water and he was above, all alone. Abandoned in a pale suit and an even paler face.
She couldn’t lose him. Not again.
But despite the treacherous pain in her heart when it dwelled too far into the past, loving him made her feel alive . He set a fire ablaze to her soul, the light in his eyes carrying her throughout each night. But she knew that spark wasn’t worth risking a repeat of his akumatization.
Marinette liked to pretend the events of Chat Blanc didn’t affect her. She liked to act as if she wasn’t awoken by a chilling nightmare more often than not. She attempted to ignore the feeling that someone (specifically a white-clad supervillain) was watching over her shoulder. Sometimes, on the truly rotten days, she’d look up too swiftly and hallucinate her partner with eyes like a dull ocean and power like a disheveled anti-hero. Those were the days when it was harder to hide the truth. Her focus struggled to retain, and dissociation began to dominate her mind.
So maybe that’s why, on that damned summer night, the story she kept so long to herself came to light.
It started with another “rotten day”. Marinette had slept through her alarms once again, too preoccupied in her psychological frantic to awake. That’s the scary thing about nightmares; sometimes something traumatic will take place in them and Marinette will wake up immediately, jolting up so quickly it alerts a sleeping Tikki. But other times, her mind lingers in the hauntingly lifelike mess. She’s absentmindedly wandering in her dreamscape, watching the world fall apart around her while she’s too exhausted to react. Those dreams feel as if they drag on for hours, and by the time Marinette actually wakes up, she’s already too drained to feel anything from them.
Feeling worn from last night’s mental rollercoaster (her reaction was the latter of the two), Marinette chose to stay in her room all day. Well, it wasn’t really a choice, more like her brain told her it was too tired to experience anything outside her safe space. She watched her phone erupt with notifications from her friends, but she couldn’t get herself to answer them. Honestly, she couldn’t get herself to do too much of anything. She felt bad, truly. Marinette loved her friends, and she loved hanging out with them. But she knew she was far too overwhelmed to do anything but scroll mindlessly through social media.
It was just one of those days.
Social media is a dangerous weapon for anyone, but being a superhero makes the ordeal much worse. Marinette was no stranger to slight insults on the Internet, stuff like “ why is Ladybug so rude to Chat Noir? ” and “ if I was a superhero I could’ve easily gotten Monarch’s miraculous by now ”, but those felt like dead noise to the girl at this point. Hearing the same complaints over and over couldn’t do much to an already petrified mind. But this time, a trail of comments struck her eye a bit too hard.
@lbcntheories: Has anyone noticed Ladybug’s behavior lately? I think we all saw how she’s been pushing her partner away, but I feel like I know why. [Show thread]
The thread compiled a theory that pretty much nailed the point: something traumatic happened in Ladybug’s life that was causing her to act abnormally. Besides the total invasion of privacy, Marinette could only shudder at the post. That was until she read the replies.
@chatnoirsgf: that makes sense tbh. still, she needs to get over it. she’s probably just being dramatic and whatever happened isn’t even a big deal LMAO
@sundayinparis: Fr! Like girl I get something happened but you have a whole city to save?? How ru gonna say u care abt us when ur putting ur emotions from one small incident first
@user945890: So right! She needs to grow up, it’s pathetic watching her act all desperate towards Chat Noir too, like just because you went through some trauma doesn’t mean he’s gonna forgive you for being an abusive partner
(reply to @user945890) @chatnoirsgf: no like why is she even still a superhero…this girl can’t even stay strong when one minor inconenvice happens…she breaks down at literally everything, it’s kinda tiring to watch. whatever OP theorized abt happened months ago so she needs to grow tf up and move on.
These were the comments that Marinette couldn’t move past as simply.
“Can’t you see I’m trying to move on?” Marinette yelled, chucking her phone at the wall without thinking. It made a loud bang, slightly chipping the rose-colored paint near her window. Marinette’s hand smacked her mouth immediately, her now raspy voice being a reminder anyone downstairs could potentially hear her.
Tikki floated towards her holder from her resting spot, peacefully letting herself sit on the edge of the bed.
“Marinette, you need to calm down. Just breath slo-” the Kwami began.
“I’m so tired of this. Why? Why is it that no matter what I do, it isn’t enough? I want to forget. I want to forget so badly. And I can’t. And it’s all my fault!”
Marinette felt the frigid breeze all too soon. Her mind hurled her to months before, her room being replaced with the bitter remains of the city of Paris.
The flashbacks were always the worst part of her episodes. They took her back, right back to the day she lost so much. To the day she lost her partner, the day she lost Paris, and the day she lost herself.
“No no no no…go away. Stop it!”
Marinette shut her eyes shut, backing herself into a corner. She knew if she opened them, he’d be standing right in front of her. A deadly cataclysm in hand, and an even more deadly smirk plastered on his face.
She opened her eyes one too many times during an episode to know that.
So Marinette did what she did best during a catastrophe like this.
She transformed, and she ran.
Chat Noir didn’t typically patrol on Friday evenings. It was Ladybug’s job, but she had been acting suspicious (or…more suspicious than usual?) lately, and he wanted to patch up whatever distance she was attempting to lodge between the two again.
He recently favored starting his patrols at the rooftop across the Eiffel Tower, otherwise known as his and Ladybug’s “hangout” spot. It was also where he found her the day after Strike Back’s events, which left him wondering if this place held any sentimental value to her as well.
He also favored arriving to this patrol fifteen minutes early, solely so he could plan what he’d say to his lady.
Would he just be straight up about it? No beating around the bush? Or maybe he should bring it up casually, after asking her how she’s doing. No, they’ve known each other for too long to talk like that, at that point he should just ask her how the weather is-
But as he turned past the chimney on their precious highrise, his thoughts collided with the all-too-well scent of spring beauty.
Despite it being the summertime, she carried an aroma of flowers and sugariness wherever she was. It was just another thing he adored about her.
“Ladybug?”
Chat hadn’t gotten a good look at his partner when she nearly toppled onto him, but as he glanced at her in a moment of vulnerability, he could tell something was wrong.
Though her head was sharpened downwards, it did no effort in hiding her disheveled pigtails and ever-so-visible trembling. It appeared as if she had just seen a ghost, and it was trailing after her in a sickenly dark night.
At once, Ladybug broke from her silence.
“Stop it, go away!”
Chat took a step closer. It hurt seeing her like this, it hurt more than any physical pain he endured in his life, so he vowed to stay put until she was calm.
Still, that didn’t prevent the utter confusion fogging up Chat’s brain.
Does she realize who I am?
“Ladybug, it’s just me,” Chat responded, looking for her eyes, which were still glued to the ground.
Ladybug could feel herself losing her composure quicker and quicker. She didn’t want to fall apart, not now. She had done it so many times recently, it was like her armor was breaking and she was spoiling every bit of strength she had left.
She broke down earlier. She broke down yesterday, hell, she probably had some sort of panic attack everyday within the last week.
She took a deep breath in, shadowing a gloved hand over her mask.
“No, please don’t make me look. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m-”
Chat instinctively grabbed her opposing hand, which was shaking like a leaf on a winter tree. He delicately stroked his claws on her fingers in an effort to bring her out of her panic.
“M’lady, breathe with me. Open your eyes please.”
Ladybug began to lift her head sluggishly, frightened by what she’d be met with. She’d never experienced an episode outside of her room. Would Chat Blanc go as far as cataclysm the very roof she was standing on?
Stunned, she was met with a pair of sage green irises instead of a tired blue.
“Chat…Noir?”
Though the realization of who Ladybug was talking to was bound to calm her senses a bit, the worst of the weather wasn’t over yet.
With one of Chat’s hands still rubbing soft circles over hers, the other found itself on her cheek, rubbing the whispers of rain that cascaded from her eyes instead of the sky.
“You’re okay. Just take a deep breath in….”
Ladybug inhaled deeply, holding in the air for a few seconds.
“And out.”
She let out a shaky exhale, taking a step closer to his taller, safer figure.
The two stayed in that position for a bit, giving Ladybug time to even her breaths out. Chat continued to rub the tears from her face, his heart tormented from the dullness in her eyes. Over the last few months, the two learned a lot about about one another through their facial expressions. And dull eyes meant Ladybug was about to turn the switch off on her emotions.
She did it because she wanted to seem strong. But Chat wished she realized that every moment, whether she was beaming with joy or breaking down in agony; she was the strongest girl he had ever met.
As time moved slowly, Ladybug began to come to her senses. She (once again), pushed her partner away, only to cascade her emotions onto him for a second time.
What a great superhero she was.
“I’m sorry,” she started, feeling hostile with the way her voice sounded. She couldn’t even make eye contact with Chat, for all that mattered. She just felt so ashamed, ashamed that she messed up again, and ashamed that he had to be there to pick up the pieces.
Chat frowned, now gracefully twirling her hair ribbons in his fingers. He hated how he could feel her blaming herself, how his heart could feel hers breaking and he yearned to do nothing more than reach towards it and mend it for her.
But unfortunately, he was no doctor, so instead, he removed her ribbons from her hair, lightly combing her locks with his digits.
“Darling, you don’t need to keep apologizing,” he responded, placing a quick but loving kiss on her forehead. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
By just feeling a brush of Ladybug’s skin, Chat could sense how tense she was pressuring herself to be. How greatly she was forcing herself to keep her crumbling composure. He wanted, no, needed , her to uncover the veil she tossed over her vulnerability.
For once, he wanted her to cry, no matter how much it destroyed him to see.
“Hey, it’s okay. Just let it out.” His voice was sincere, but serious. It was desperate; calling for his partner in a way so deep, so out of his usual flirtatious and jokingly manner.
Ladybug jerked, her hands quickly moving to cover her face. She desired to step away, to hide more than anything. If she still had that damned fox miraculous, she’d replace herself with a happier illusion, one that didn’t burden every person she encountered.
But at the end of the day, she knew her love for her partner overpowered any feelings of wanting to flee. She knew she shouldn’t stay, that every message in her brain knew she didn’t deserve to, but her heart was just too worn out to care. So, she put in no attempt to escape when the blonde pulled her closer to him. In fact, she willingly buried herself in his chest. The glossy leather hid her from the full moon illuminating the sky, and that was enough to stay concealed forever.
“C-Chat,” she winced, her tears making a reappearance. Fortunately, he couldn’t see them, but it was no secret they were there.
Chat knew seeing her like this would put him in pain, but not knowing why felt like being shot in the heart. He even felt his own eyes water, feeling helpless as he watched his love fall apart all over again. All he could do this time around was soothingly rub her back and occasionally plant a kiss in her hair, hoping that was worth something.
Little did he know, it was worth the world and all the stars to Ladybug.
Eventually, her heavy sobs turned into soft sniffles, and she quickly turned away from him while pulling her hands from her face.
“M’lady, let me see you,” Chat pleaded, saddened she felt the need to hide.
She did this a lot – it was another thing Chat had caught onto. Every time Ladybug was vulnerable, she’d either hide in her hands or refuse to look at him until she could smile with ease again.
“No. I look stupid and gross. You definitely do not want to see me right now,” she retorted, her voice scratchy from crying.
“M’lady, please.”
He was taken by surprise when she (for once) decided to face him. Was it a sign of trust? Or just pity?
She still refused to make eye contact, her bloodshot eyes glancing toward every direction besides him, but he could still see her tinted cheeks and dried-up tear stains. Her nose was red, and if they were under different circumstances, he’d tell her she looked absolutely adorable.
“Come on, you don’t look stupid. You look beautiful.”
Ladybug giggled in response, rolling her eyes.
Her laugh put him in a haze, the sound filling his ears like a beautifully-constructed melody. He loved a lot of things about Ladybug, but her laugh was definitely one of his most beloved things.
“I swear, you’re just saying that,” she sniffled.
Chat shifted a piece of her hair behind her ear, his powerful stare causing her to eventually lock eyes with his.
“I mean this with every bit of my soul. You are absolutely breathtaking, right now and always.”
He couldn’t tell if the deepened rose on her cheeks was from her crying or—no, it had to be from the crying. There’d be no other possibilities, especially not now.
Pushing those thoughts from his mind, Chat Noir repositioned himself next to Ladybug, leading her back to the chimney he initially landed near.
“Come on m’lady, sit down with me,” he spoke. The two eventually made their way against the brick, shoulders brushing each other.
Chat didn’t want to force Ladybug into explaining what had just happened; the fragile look in her eyes spoke measures. But he knew if he let her breakdown blow over, it would solve nothing. If it all blew over she’d keep acting like nothing was bothering her and he’d have to pretend that didn’t shatter his heart.
He could tell she was just as tired at pretending as he was.
“We need to talk,” Ladybug expressed, rubbing her thumb on her knee. Chat also noticed she tended to do that when she was anxious, almost as an attempt to grip her back to reality.
At this rate, his mental list of Ladybug’s quirks was longer than his to-do list from his father.
And that said a lot.
He carefully put his thumb over hers, eventually grabbing her hand. Placing their intertwined fingers between their knees, he rubbed his thumb just below hers.
“That we do,” Chat paused, thinking carefully about his next words. “I’ve been really worried about you over these last few weeks, more than usual. And that, I don’t know what that was, but if something happened or if there’s something going on I’d really want you to tell me.”
Ladybug looked down, her grip on her partner’s hand increasing a tenthold.
“I want to. I want to so badly. But it’s so hard,” she admitted. And it was hard. It felt like if she said even one thing about that day, it was all going to come back crumbling at her. That Bunnix was going to reappear once again, and she’d have to let down the one person who did nothing but cherish her the last nine months of their partnership.
“Why is it hard, love?” Chat asked, searching for her eyes.
“Because it’ll change things. It could ruin things. I-I don’t want to mess things up. I’m sorry-” Ladybug quickly moved her hands back to her face to hide the stifling sob building its way to her throat. She was so sick of disappointing him, and it felt like no matter what choice she made, it would only make things worse.
And of course that damned cat’s expression was soft. She couldn’t see it at that moment, but she could feel him looking at her with delicate eyes and a small but loving smile.
Chat pulled her closer to him, letting her head fall back atop his shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay. I understand if you don’t want to tell me, but it hurts, even more, to watch this break you and not be able to do anything about it. There’s nothing more I want to do than help you,” he said, placing a tender hand on her knee.
“O-okay. I can try to tell you. But it might take some time,” Ladybug responded slowly. Ever since Chat Blanc’s akumatization, she never really processed the incident aloud. Sure, it played inside her head like a mantra, but telling the story itself was almost like she was bringing it back to life.
Like she was making it real.
“Hey, I’ve got all the time in the world m’lady.”Chat could feel her leg trembling beneath his hand. She was still uncertain about something, and whatever worries were fogging her brain, he wanted to be the first to clear them.
“And you promise you won’t tell anyone? No one can know about this, please,” Ladybug pleaded, her voice straining on her last few words.
“I promise.”
“Like actually promise? I’m being so serious, please promise.”
“I swear on my life.”
Ladybug chuckled at the irony of his sentence. “But you always risk your life.”
“Got me there. Then I swear on yours.”
Somehow, that seemed to cause Ladybug’s fears. Maybe it was because she had faith in him. She understood that Chat always put her life before his own (no matter how much she hated it), and he would never betray her if it meant losing her.
But what she didn’t understand was why he wanted to cherish someone like her.
“A few months ago, Bunnix came back. She sent me on a-uh secret mission,” Ladybug stuttered, fighting to pry her mind from imagining the absolute worst. “It was, it was cold when I got there. Paris was underwater. I-I’m sorry one second.” Ladybug looked to her right, towards the moon, affirming herself when she found it still glowed.
“Take all the time you need.”
The two sat there for a minute, Chat continuing to run his hand back and forth on her knee. She returned the gesture by placing her hand over his, fidgeting with his ring.
“There was one lone survivor left. He was, he was, God I’m sorry I wish I could just say it,” Ladybug struggled.
Would saying his name unleash his fury? Would it sent a cataclysm hurling to the city, or to the very building they were on? Would she find herself underwater again, surrounded by a pool of skeletons that were once her allies?
“You don’t have to say their name if you don’t want to. What did they look like?” Chat asked.
This time, Ladybug answered at a speed so fast Chat had to double-take if he heard her correctly.
“You.”
Was she was scared…of him? Chat’s hand on her knee stopped, terrified he had hurt her.
“Th-they looked like me? But it…wasn’t me?”
Ladybug remained silent. Not by will, but sheer force. Her throat felt so constricted she didn’t even know if she could get the truth out.
“Then…”
“You were…a…akumatized,” she ultimately managed to whisper.
Chat tried to remain calm. He gripped his hand into her’s, though he wasn’t sure whose sake it was for. He could freak out later. For now, he needed to stay strong for his lady.
“You wore all white. Had blue eyes instead of green. And you called yourself Chat Blanc,” Ladybug scanned around the building again.
“What else happened?”
“You tried to take my Miraculous. Y-you said our love destroyed the world,” Ladybug whimpered, the memory invading her mind once again. “Chat you were so lonely. And in the end, I had to capture your Akuma and leave you. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was my fault.” Ladybug suppressed a sob.
“I don’t want to think about it anymore,” she sighed, her mind now replaying it all: him knowing her identity, his tears, their almost-kiss, and his beautifully melancholic song.
“Love, it’s alright. Come here.” Chat scooted closer to his partner, patting his shoulder as indication to offer her to lean on it.
Ladybug’s head fell perfectly into the crook of his neck, and he was reminded of her sugary scent. Meanwhile, she was somehow reminded of how secure she felt in his presence, despite the circumstances.
“I’m so tired of thinking about it. I can’t let this go. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard. I can’t look at you the same. I can’t-I can’t love you without seeing him. And if it- if it happens again-I-” Ladybug’s breath hitched. The look in her eyes was so broken, so fatigued, the blue in her ocean sobering to watery and vacant.
Pushing back the emotions of how sorrowed her expression appeared, Chat gave her nervous hand a tight squeeze.
“It won’t happen again.”
“...How do you know?”
“I won’t let it. If this is something that caused you that much pain, I will do everything in my power to keep it from happening again,” Chat said. Even if it felt like a stretch, he knew it was a promise he could keep. If he needed to never shed another tear in his lifetime to make her happy, all he’d have to do is hear her laugh and he’d be beaming beyond his ears.
That’s just what you do when you love someone.
“I’m scared, Chat,” Ladybug admitted, looking into his eyes. He wiped a tear slipping down her cheek with the same loving expression he kept on his face throughout all their hardships.
“I know m’lady. But you aren’t alone anymore,” Chat acknowledged. He hated thinking about it, but his mind couldn’t help but wonder how long she felt like this. How many nights she was woken up by terrors, how many days she’s spent in fear. And how many breakdowns she’s passed through without telling a single soul.
If he had the rabbit miraculous, he’d go back in time to ensure she never endured a single negative emotion by herself again.
“People are calling me overdramatic about it. They caught on, saying I’m looking for attention and need to move on,” Ladybug mumbled, feeling a bit shamefaced she was admitting to listening to what the social media trolls actually had to say. She knew Chat never let online-related negativity get to him, and she felt a bit small once she realized what her breakdown was initially caused by.
“Ladybug-”
“They said you deserve better than me. They’re right, I wish you could have a partner who could’ve prevented it from happening. One who didn’t feel so scared and distraught all the time.” She wanted to apologize again, but doing so just felt empty. It wouldn’t erase the fact that she was traumatized and weak, and couldn’t do nothing but use Chat as a shoulder to cry on when she wanted him to be everything and more.
“Ladybug, listen to me,” Chat began. “You saved me. And that’s far than enough for me. You’re allowed to feel scared. You’re allowed to be vulnerable. I would never want anything more than you, because you are the most lovely partner I could ever have. And you’re so much stronger than you think. I don’t want you to blame yourself for things out of your reach. And I don’t want you to distance yourself from me because you think you’re too much.”
Ladybug’s eyes remained on his, despite the way she knew they were watering. She wanted him to know how much she cared about him, how much she loved him, even if they couldn’t be together. She wanted him to know that her love for him was more powerful than any Chat Blanc, than any akuma they’ve ever faced – and she knew her eyes could speak for what she wanted to admit.
Chat’s hands prompted themselves to her shoulders, grounding her the same way they did the day Strike Back attacked. The day she realized just how strong her feelings were for hin.
“I love you, so so much. Please never doubt that. No matter what goes on between us, I will always love you. And you will always, always be enough,” Chat finished.
Ladybug practically melted into him, pulling into a hug that felt like a lifeline. It was like their souls were touching, like they were two magnets that yearned to attract more than anything.
But they both knew too well of the force that kept them from falling into one.
“S-sorry,” Ladybug cried for what felt like the umpteenth time that night. Chat reassured her through soothingly drawing a back-and-forth pattern on her back.
“I love you too,” Ladybug added. Chat paused.
“And I hate that we can’t be together right now. There isn’t anything I want more than to be with you. But we can’t, not until Monarch is defeated. I hate that all we can do is wait,” Ladybug said, pulling herself from their hug. If she could, she’d hold onto him forever. She’d shield him from all the terror in both their lives, and she’d hide right on his shoulder blade, using the area like a personal pillow.
One day.
Chat responded by placing a kiss on his cheek, the feeling lingering like the sweet taste of her favorite gourmet chocolate.
“I’d wait a lifetime for you, m’lady”
“Me too.”
Ladybug took a deep breath. “I know we can’t be together officially, but can we just stay up here for now? I really don’t feel like going home yet.”
“Of course.”
He invited her to sit in his lap, their legs sprawled up in front of them as her head lay against his chest.
“Chat?” Ladybug began to ask, her eyes in direct contact with the moon. She knew it would still scare her to look at in the future, but tonight it resembled her and the boy behind her, the boy with the green eyes and the black suit.
It resembled their future, and how much he meant to her.
“Yes?”
“Thank you. For everything. For not hating me after all I’ve done.”
“I could never hate you, you know that,” Chat replied, his hands back in her hair. He would never get over how soft it was; how perfectly the strands felt against his fingers.
“Just promise me one more thing tonight,” Ladybug began. “Promise me you won’t leave my side.”
Chat almost let out a small laugh. The two had already been through so much, and there was nothing more he wanted than to spend every moment he could with the love of his life by his side.
“Never in a million years, m’lady.”