Work Text:
From: Chrispybang97@*******.com
To: Chicklix00@********.com
Hey Lix its Channie :). I’m finally coming back home. My flight is this tuesday and i’ll email you my phone number later. Sorry the agency has been so sensitive about outside communication. Love ya lix, see you soon
****************
Felix sighed. When Chan left, Felix was 14. He was now 24, with little to no support. He came out just a few weeks after graduating and was kicked out, forced to move in with one of Chan and his mutual friends, Changbin.
Changbin wasn’t his closest friend, but he was forever grateful to have a place to stay. He helped him on his feet so he could get his own apartment, and Felix doesn’t think he could have done it without him.
Felix rereads the email for what feels like the hundredth time. Chan sent it 4 days ago, meaning his flight was probably soon. Felix had been rotting in his bed for a few hours, exhausted from making his house look decent for when Chan comes.
He rereads the email again, the words engraved into eyes at this point, when he gets another notification.
‘Email received from Chrispybang97@**********.com’
Felix’s eyes widened as he pressed on the notification to see 10 digits with a smiley face.
Felix quickly typed in the numbers under a new contact and sent a simple ‘Hey’ to the number. shortly after, his text had been responded to with another ‘hey’.
‘Whens your flight?’ Felix typed.
‘I’m actually at the airport now, I board in about an hour i think.’
Felix suddenly feels anxious. He hasn’t seen his best friend in so long, let alone be in the same country as him. The last time he saw Chris was 4 years ago, when he went to one of Chans concerts in Melbourne. It was incredible, and definitely one of the best moments he has had since Chan left. The only problem was that Chan didn’t know.
Felix never told Chan he was coming, wanted to watch from the background to see his childhood best friend doing what he loved.
Felix was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t realize Chan sent another text.
‘Are u busy tomorrow?’
Felix responded with, “I have work till 5 pm, but after that im not’
the next text Chan sent said ‘meet me on the top of our building at 6? you know the spot ;)’
Ah, yes. The spot that they has spent thousands of nights laughing and cracking jokes at when they were younger. It was on the top of a building that was for some business that got little to no buyers, so it was easy to not get caught. The roof was probably 30 feet up from the ground, as the building was 4 or 5 floors.
Felix rarely paid attention, but when he did, he focused on the ground, he over looked the building to the pavement below him. When he was younger he never had any thoughts like jumping, just simply observing how high up he was. Felix couldn’t promise those innocent thoughts now.
‘sounds great :))’ He responded. Felix sat his phone on his charging pad, looking at the clock on the wall to see that he had to be up in 7 hours to get ready for work. Might as well get to sleep now.
********
As usual, Felix slept awfully, waking up at random times to dry heaving and sweating, but hes grown used to it. When he wakes up to the sound of ringing and an obnoxious alarm he grabs his phone and gets started for the day.
Felix starts with a shower, as he hasn’t taken one since his last shift, which was 3 days ago. Once hes washed all of the dead skins cells of his body and all the grease out of his hair, and gets dressed and goes to the kitchen, eating a cup of yogurt as his fridge is filled with little to no food.
He looks at the clock and puts on his hoodie and headphones, starting his walk to the cafe. It was a simple cafe that was owned by an older lady, who had grown to old to run it herself. The pay was relatively good and the tips were definitely a bonus. Because of the pay he only needed to work a few times a week, just enough to pay the bills and feed himself but it was liveable.
When he got to work he saw his coworker, Seungmin, already starting on cleaning the tables to get ready to open. Seungmin was his favorite coworker, as he was easy to work with and knew what he was doing.
He knew todays shift wasn’t gonna be too bad with Seungmin by his side.
*********
His shift was as expected, not bad. They had a good amount of customers and only had one karen. Changbin had came in early to say hi and get his usual before rushing to work. The 10 hour shift was a lot, as his usual shifts are only 6 hours at most, but he had to cover for someone today.
The tips were split between him and Seungmin, and he left the building with a nice sum, enough to stop by the convenience store on his way to the roof to get him and Chan their favorite snacks.
After picking up the few bags of chips and drinks, it was 5:32, giving him just enough time to make it there by 6.
While walking to the building he reminisced on the great times he and Chan have had. God, has he missed him. He was glad he was seeing him again, he was hoping that some good human interaction would pull his brain away from the thought of killing himself.
His family had been sending him death threats recently, as he was seen a couple months ago with Changbin and his cousin decided to tell the family about how much of a fag Felix was. He hadn’t gotten to telling Chris anything, about getting kicked out and the constant emotional abuse he went through. Chan only knows that he lived with Changbin for awhile and then loved into his apartment and he works at a cafe.
By the time he stopped thinking about the past, he looked up to the tall building, seeing two legs dangling off of the edge carelessly. Felix grinned as he went to the back of the building to climb up to the top.
Once he got up, he walked over and sat down next to Chan, sitting the snacks down behind him.
“hey.” Chan was the first to speak.
“”hey to you too.” Felix responded.
Chan looked over at him with the biggest smile, as he pulled Felix into a headlock and messed his hair up. “Look at you all grown up. Hows it been lix?” He said with a grin.
Felix pushed away playfully, looking at Chris. “Its been rough, but im glad your back.” Felix smiled. Chan gave an equally as big smile, as he hugged Felix. “Today your in the hotel, but tomorrow your moving in, right?” Chan nodded and hugged Felix tighter.
Pulling away, he spoke, “So Felix, how’s it going?” Felix and Chans friendship was different. They could go from being happy and talking about there favorite movies to how sad Chan is because his parents got divorced in seconds. They’ve always been like this, not believing that there was a time or place for certain conversations and that if you want to speak then do it now. So, Felix spoke.
He spoke about how he came out to his parents and was kicked to the streets and how his entire family keeps sending him death threats and hate mail no matter how hard he tries to cut off contact with them. He talked about how its hard for him to simply get up in the morning, and as he spoke, he cried in Chans arms.
“Oh lix, Its alright. They don’t deserve you anyways. You deserve the world, always caring for everyone and shit, it makes you so incredible. I wish everyone was like you.” Chan spoke
Felix gave a small smile, wiping his nose and sniffling. “well enough of my sob story. Your here now, so everything is alright.”
Chan gave a smile, and then hesitated. “You sure you’re okay with me staying at your place for a little while?”
Felix gasped and punched Chan in the shoulder. “You idiot of course you can! Why would I have a problem with you staying there?”
Chan smiled again, “Well I mean, I just didn’t know if it was really okay, you know since i’ve been gone for a decade…”
Felix scoffed jokingly, “Oh yeah, Mr.super famous rockstar man.”
Chan chuckled, “Well being a ‘super famous rockstar man’ isn’t the easiest either. I enjoyed it while it lasted, but god I needed a break. But, we’ve all been there. It gets better though. It always gets better.”
Felix smiled. He hoped this is where it gets better
*********
Everything was not better.
He had worked today. Everything was okay, until the end of his shift, when he was talking to his coworker about some lgbtq movie, and a customer walked up to him. He turned the man with a smile, happy to help him, until he was called a mix of slurs and a fresh caramel latte was poured on Felixs head, and the customer walked out.
It was so sudden. His coworker had made sure he was okay, and Felix left since it was the end of his shift anyways. It was a small thing on the whole scheme of life, but something about it brought back memories he never wanted to think about.
When he got home, he went to the shower and scratched his skin until it bled, until he watched the steam radiate from his body.
When he got out he put clothes on and laid in bed, lifeless almost, as he stared blankly at the ceiling. He dis this for an unknown amount of time until his phone went off.
From: Unknown
‘Hey queerlix, Have you killed yourself yet? No one will miss you when you’re gone you sissy’
Felix sighed yet again, as he rolled over and tried to sleep.
***********
“How dare you? I thought we raised you better than this. You think its okay to be a faggot? in our home?”
Felix whimpered as he was beat on the ground. He had been yelled out and called slurs for whats felt like hours. His body had become numb to the beatings, absorbing the impact of every kick and punch. His ryes had no more tears left to cry, and he had no more energy to scream. He knew this was it when he was yanked by his hair, and slowly dragged out of his room.
He cried out for the last time when they came near the stairs, aa he was dragged down carelessly, body gone limp, and with every thump of the stairs, there was more damage to his spine.
He gasped when they were at the bottom step, finally the blows had stopped, yet he froze in place as he was dragged out the front door and thrown onto the lawn. He landed next to a duffel bag filled with clothes his dad called him a piece of shit one last time and right before his vision went blurry….
Felix gasped, sitting straight up as he grabbed at his neck, choking on air. He rubbed his hair and his back as he tried to catch his breathe, every now and then wiping a tear from his face.
Felix was used to nightmares, but never in his life has he had one so vivid. It felt real, like he could still feel the burning on his skin….He shivered as he thought about it, slowly getting up to the kitchen to drink a glass of water.
As he sipped of the cool liquid, his phone went off yet again, a message from unknown. Another message, another death threat, another reason to end it all.
Felix needed a drink.
***********
Felix had no idea what time it was. He had drank an entire bottle before passing out, just to wake up and repeat. He was currently in the bathroom hunched over the toilet, trying to calm himself. He had been overthinking and working himself up, every bad thought coming to light.
He was almost okay when he looked over at the sink, and saw the bottle of pills sitting on the ledge. He stood up, taking a step to the sink, as he reached up and grabbed the pills. The light was hitting the bottle perfectly, as if to tell Felix that this was the correct answer.
He slowly lifted his hand and unscrewed the lid, slowly pouring the pills into his hand. He was so focused on the task he didn’t hear the “Felix? I’m home!”, nor the steps slowly approaching the bathroom
The pills were all in his hand and he was raising it to his mouth when he froze.
“Felix?”
He looked up to see a frightened Chan in the doorway looking at him. “Lix, wha-what are you doing?”
Felix cried out “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Chan,” Chan let a tear slip down his face as he watched Felix bring his hand back up to his face.
“Felix, don’t. Don’t do it, please. Your not thinking straight, please put those away. You’re just overthinking all this, please. Put. Those. Away. please.” Chan was begging at this point.
Felix sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this! If you had gone through what I did…You would do the same.” Felix nodded, Wiping his tears away with his free hand. “I can’t, I refuse to live like this. I’d rather…”
“Lix no!” Chan screamed as he pushed felix’s hand away, trying to throw the pills out of his hand before he swallowed them, but he was too late. Felix had swallowed half of them, which was easily enough to kill him. Chan was too late.