Chapter Text
Scene 1
Enter Barnardo and Francisco
Barnardo: Who’s there?
Francisco: No way you answer me!
Barnardo: I work for the family.
Francisco: Barnardo?
Barnardo: Yeah.
Francisco: Thank God, it’s your shift.
Barnardo: Yeah yeah I’m here, get to bed.
Francisco: That I will. Finally I can get out of this cold.
Barnardo: Has tonight been um . . . uneventful?
Francisco: Yes sir, no has been by.
Barnardo: Well goodnight. Oh and if you see Horatio and Marcellus tell them to get out here. They’re helping my watch
Enter Horatio and Marcellus
Francisco: I think I hear them. Who’s there?
Horatio: Friends of the family.
Marcellus: More specifically Hamlet.
Francisco: Well then goodnight!
Marcellus: Wait, who's replacing you?
Francisco: Barnardo he’s around here somewhere.
Exit Francisco
Marcellus: Barnardo where are you at?
Barnardo: Over here! Is Horatio with you?
Horatio: Most of me.
Barnardo: Man it’s good to see you both.
Marcellus: Did it come again tonight?
Barnardo: Not yet.
Marcellus: Horatio here thinks we’re going crazy, and refuses to believe us. Says he has to see it himself, so I brought him here.
Horatio: You both are crazy, nothing is coming.
Barnardo: Well at least sit down so I can tell you what’s happened.
Horatio: Fine, fine do tell.
Barnardo: Okay so around the exact same time the last two nights it showed up, and Marcellus and I believe it’s a ghost.
Enter Ghost
Barnardo: Oh my God there it is. Tell me it doesn’t look like the dead president.
Marcellus: Alright Horatio put that theology degree to use for once and talk to it.
Horatio: I’m not even done with the degree, and this is not what theology is about.
Barnardo: Tell me it doesn’t look like the president Horatio.
Horatio: Yeah it does. This is freaking me out.
Barnardo: Speak to it.
Marcellus: Yeah Horatio, ask it a question.
Horatio: Um, what are you doing here, and why do you look like the president? Speak!
Marcellus: Oh great you offended it.
Barnardo: Yeah way to go it’s running away.
Horatio: I didn’t mean it! Hey! Get back over here and say something!
Exit Ghost
Marcellus: And . . . it’s gone.
Horatio: Shit!
Barnardo: Well Horatio, you look a little pale. Still think we’re crazy?
Horatio: I- I don’t know. I need more proof. I could be going crazy from hanging out with you people.
Marcellus: At least admit it looked like the king.
Horatio: It did wear his three piece suit. The one he wore to the important meetings. He looked pissed though. This is all so weird.
Marcellus: This is the third time he’s come up to us.
Horatio: Something is definitely wrong.
Marcellus: Why is he showing up? Why to us? Do you know anything, Horatio?
Horatio: I might. Hamlet told me that Fortinbras of that Norwegian company has been trying to absorb this company into his own. He even threatened Hamlet about it. The thing is Hamlet’s father was able to keep him at bay. Got him to sign some contract of sorts, but now with him dead I think Fortinbras is going to try to absorb the company by force.
Enter Ghost again
Horatio: Wait, shut up it’s back. Stay Ghost! If you can speak, say something. Can we do anything to help you? Is this about the state of the company? Are you just trying to prove ghosts are real? Say something! Marcellus stop it!
A cock crows
Marcellus: What do you want me to do? Punch it?
Horatio: Sure if it tries to run.
They attempt to strike it
Barnardo: Get it!
Horatio: Get it!
Marcellus: It's gone! This isn’t right you guys. A majestic creature doesn’t deserve this violence. Plus it’s a ghost. You can’t hit a ghost.
Barnardo: It was about to speak before the cock crew. Then it disappeared. Maybe it can’t be visible during the day?
Marcellus: Yeah I heard spirits can only walk at night because God protects the day. Right Horatio?
Horatio: Well you’re not completely wrong. I guess I’ll have to believe you both now. The deceased president must have some kind of unfinished business that has tethered him to this world. If he won’t speak to us we need to find Hamlet and reunite the two.
Marcellus: That’s a good idea, I believe I know where he is.
Exeunt
Scene 2
Enter Claudius the now president of the family company, Gertrude his wife, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes and his sister Ophelia,
Claudius: Oh Hamlet everyone is upset about your father’s death. Remember he was my brother too, but there was a time at place to be sad. Now you’re just being moody. We have to look at the sorrowful past the same amount we look at the joyous future. I know you didn’t agree with the marriage, but your mother and I are very happy together. I just want us all to stand as a united front, since we have to deal with this Fortinbras nonsense.
Enter Voltemand and Cornelius
Claudius: Speaking of that now down to business. Fortinbras’s uncle, the president of the company, has no idea that his nephew is doing this, so I say we meet him and explain the situation. Though he is currently bed ridden he must still be able do something.
Gives paper
Claudius: Give this letter to him at once.
Voltemand: Yes of course sir.
Exeunt Voltemand and Cornelius
Claudius: Now to Laertes. You seem to have been wanting to tell me something for the longest time. Please speak.
Laertes: Sir I came back to Connecticut to show my support for you as the new president. Now that this is all over I wish to return to France.
Claudius: I see, what does your father have to say?
Polonius: He has my blessing.
Claudius: Then it is settled. Laertes you can return to France. Enjoy yourself, you’re not young forever. Now Hamlet, my dear nephew, and now son.
Hamlet: Though it seems we’ve grown closer in a familial relationship we have not done the same in a personal.
Claudius: Hamlet, why are you still moping around?
Hamlet: Moping? What are you talking about? I’m happier than ever!
Gertrude: Hamlet please stop wearing black. You cannot mourn forever. This stuff happens and we must move on from your father’s death.
Hamlet: Oh is that normal?
Gertrude: It is.
Hamlet: Hm because it seems I was the only one upset in the first place! I never saw you all wearing black. Where was your grief? You’ve all seemed to have moved on pretty god damn fast.
Claudius: Hamlet though it is very kind of you to be so upset, you need to move on. Everyone’s father dies at some point in their life. Mine did. Your stubbornness and emotionality is just a little emasculating. Listen, you don’t want to die upset do you? Being miserable your entire life is such a waste, and one day you’ll be running this company. Now, I know you want to go back to school, but stay here and be cheerful with the family. As our son.
Gertrude: Please Hamlet Harvard can wait to stay here with us.
Hamlet: Only because my mother asked.
Claudius: Oh how sweet. Now my love let us go drink to our good health. We will see you later Hamlet.
Exeunt. Hamlet remains
Hamlet: God I wish I could just melt into the floor. Then I wouldn’t have to be here anymore. Why does suicide have to be a sin. My life is a waste. The world is useless. Like an un-weeded garden that can bear no fruit. There’s just no point in going on, and my mother. How could she be such a whore. It hasn’t even been two months since my father died and look at her practically throwing herself at my uncle. I don’t even want to think about it, so nauseating. I remember how she sobbed at his funeral, those tears must have been fake if she is able to move on so quickly. Now I am left alone with this burden, no thanks to that slut. Though of course I can’t even say anything about it.
Enter Horatio, Barnardo, and Marcellus
Horatio: Hello Hamlet
Hamlet: Yes, yes hello-
Recognizes him
Hamlet: Horatio oh my God is that you?
Horatio: As I live and breathe, it’s good to see you friend.
Hamlet: Oh Horatio you are much more than a friend!
They kiss
Hamlet: What are you doing away from Harvard? Oh and Marcellus is here too!
Marcellus: Sup.
Hamlet: Oh and of course I am happy to see you too!
To Barnardo
Hamlet: What are you doing here? Don’t you have classes?
To Horatio
Horatio: You know how I love to skip.
Hamlet: C’mon you’re no slacker, and you know I wouldn’t even let your enemies talk bad about you, so I cannot allow you to do it to yourself either. What are you really doing here?
Horatio: Well I'm actually here for your father’s funeral.
Hamlet: Don’t you mean my mother’s wedding?
Horatio: I did hear it was shortly after.
Hamlet: Yeah they even used the same catering. God, rich people can be so cheap. I wouldn’t wish this on my own enemy. My father my poor father. You know I see him?
Horatio: Oh my God where?
Hamlet: In my head, Horatio.
Horatio: I remember meeting him. He was a good man.
Hamlet: He really was, and I’ll never get to see him again.
Horatio: Well that might not be entirely true. I saw him last night.
Hamlet: What do you mean? Who did you see?
Horatio: Your dad.
Hamlet: My dad?
Horatio: Hold your excitement for the end. Let me tell you the full story. It's kind of crazy.
Hamlet: Alright alright hurry!
Horatio: Ok for two nights these idiots were visited by a ghost they believe to be your father. He was wearing the three piece suit and everything. Unfortunately they were too scared to even speak to it, so it just went away in the morning. Third night they brought me in, and Hamlet I know your father, this was him.
Hamlet: Where?
Marcellus: Where we keep watch at the office.
Hamlet: Did you speak to it?
Horatio: Hamlet I tried, but it refused to answer me. I looked like it was about to, but then morning came and it ran away.
Hamlet: This is so weird.
Horatio: On my life I saw it, and I know it’s my place to let you know.
Hamlet: I know it’s just hard to believe. Are you on duty tonight?
Marcellus and Barnardo: We are.
Hamlet: Are you armed?
Marcellus and Barnardo: We have guns.
Hamlet: But like head to toe?
Marcellus and Barnardo: I mean it’s just a gun.
Hamlet: Did you see his face?
Horatio: Yes I looked him right in the eye.
Hamlet: Was he frowning?
Horatio: He looked more sad than angry.
Hamlet: Was he pale or red?
Horatio: Very pale.
Hamlet: And you said he looked at you?
Horatio: Right in the eye.
Hamlet: I would’ve been there.
Horatio: I would’ve amazed you.
Hamlet: Absolutely. Did he stay long?
Horatio: Not really no.
Marcellus and Barnardo: Longer each time though.
Horatio: Not when I saw it.
Hamlet: Was his beard long and rugged?
Horatio: Yes, just like when he was alive. All silver.
Hamlet: I’ll come with you tonight. Maybe it’ll show up again.
Horatio: It definitely will.
Hamlet: If it is my father I will speak to him. I’ll try even if he doesn’t speak back. I will be there between eleven and twelve tonight.
All: We will too.
Exeunt [all but Hamlet]
Hamlet: My father’s ghost. Though I thought no foul play was involved in his death, what if he says otherwise? What will I do then?
Scene 3
Enter Laertes and Ophelia
Laertes: Bags are packed and I’m all read to go. Please answer my texts and calls Ophelia.
Ophelia: Of course I will. Would you expect otherwise?
Laertes: Ophelia, listen to me. Hamlet is a player. He’s probably just after you due to some sexual desire.
Ophelia: You think so?
Laertes: Oh I know so. He’s not your average person that can marry for love. Even if by some miracle he does love you. His marriage will be one of gain. He does not care for someone who cannot give him something. Even if he says he loves you, don't do anything unless he offers commitment. You deserve better. Don’t let that loser break your heart.
Ophelia: Okay I promise I’ll watch out, but don’t you go be a hypocrite. Talking bad about Hamlet while you go whore it up in France.
Laertes: Oh don’t worry about me.
Enter Polonius
Laertes: Shit I’ve stayed too long dad is here. Goodbye Ophelia.
Polonius: Laertes what are you still doing here? Go! I already gave you my blessing.
Laertes begins to leave
Polonius: Wait before you go, some words of advice. Remember who you are. You can’t go messing around and being stupid. Keep your ears open and mouth closed, be careful who you befriend, and don’t be a dick to others alright? Now go forward and have fun!
Laertes: Thank you dad, I’ll go now.
Polonius: The servants should have the rest of your bags.
Laertes: Goodbye again Ophelia, and remember what I told you.
Ophelia: I’ll remember and you do the same.
Laertes: Goodbye.
Exit Laertes
Polonius: What did he say to you?
Ophelia: Oh just some advice about Hamlet.
Polonius: Oh Ophelia you have to be careful around him. I know you spend a lot of time with him, but tell me nothing bad has happened.
Ophelia: Nothing bad, I think he has made some moves.
Polonius: Made some moves. You’re so naïve. What does that mean?
Ophelia: I don’t really know.
Polonius: You’re still so clueless. Don’t take his offers too seriously, unless he is serious. Otherwise you’re a fool.
Ophelia: He’s a good man.
Polonius: How so?
Ophelia: He speaks so kindly to me.
Polonius: Ophelia my darling, do not believe him. He doesn’t want you for his wife, just some silly fun. Don’t waste your time with him. Promise me that.
Ophelia: If you say so dad.
Exeunt
Scene 4
Hamlet: Fuck it’s cold.
Horatio: The night air is eager.
Hamlet: Time?
Horatio: Almost midnight?
Marcellus: Actually it’s already passed.
Horatio checks his phone
Horatio: It is. Where is this ghost?
Loud music begins to play
Horatio: What is that?
Hamlet: Ugh that means my uncle is drinking again.
Horatio: Is that common?
Hamlet: Yeah, fun isn’t it? I wish it would be less so.
Enter Ghost
Horatio: Oh God here it is!
Hamlet: Jesus Christ help me! Your appearance makes me unable to tell if you are a friendly or evil spirit. Why are you here? What do you want?
Ghost beckons Hamlet
Horatio: It’s beckoning you. It wants to be alone with you.
Marcellus: This isn’t safe, you shouldn’t go.
Horatio: Yeah Hamlet please don’t go.
Hamlet: It’s not talking so I have to follow it.
Horatio: Hamlet, please.
Hamlet: Why should I be afraid I don’t care much for my life in the first place. I’m going.
Horatio: What if it tries to lead you to the edge of a cliff or drown in a river or even drive you insane. Think about the risks.
Hamlet: It’s telling me to follow, so I will.
Marcellus: You aren’t going anywhere.
Holds him back
Hamlet: Let me go.
Horatio: Listen to us, don't go.
Hamlet: This is the point of my life. You have to let me go. Please Ghost lead me and I will follow.
Exeunt Ghost and Hamlet
Horatio: Yeah he’s gone crazy.
Marcellus: Fuck it, let’s follow him.
Horatio: What do you think the ghost will say?
Marcellus: Something is wrong in the company.
Horatio: Will it be sorted on its own?
Marcellus: No way, let’s go.
Exeunt
Scene 5
Enter Ghost and Hamlet
Hamlet: Where are you taking me? If you don’t talk I’m not going any further.
Ghost: Listen to me.
Hamlet: I will.
Ghost: It’s almost morning. Then I will leave this Earth and return to hell.
Hamlet: I’m so sorry.
Ghost: Save your pity. Instead listen up.
Hamlet: I’m listening.
Ghost: A warning you must prepare for revenge after you hear.
Hamlet: Wait, what?
Ghost: Hamlet it is me, your father. I am cursed to walk the Earth at night and burn in Hell during the day. The story I am about to tell will scare you, so you must be prepared. If you truly love me you will be ready.
Hamlet: Oh God.
Ghost: You must avenge my murder.
Hamlet: Murder?
Ghost: A horrible murder, so foul and unnatural it’s sickening.
Hamlet: Well, quick tell me. The story might anger me to wanting revenge.
Ghost: Listen Hamlet, my last memory was napping in the family garden when poison was poured in my ear. Killed without a trace, and the culprit has now taken my spot.
Hamlet: My uncle!
Ghost: Correct. It was that monster. He dare sleep with my wife. The only woman I ever loved. He has ruined her with lust, stripping her of her dignity. The poison worked fast causing my blood to be like the dying bark off a tree. He took everything from me. My company, my wife, and my life, but in the end he cannot compare to me. The only problem is I died without repentance, so my sins weigh me down. I am forced to be tortured unless revenge is taken. It’s almost morning I must go, but avenge me Hamlet, avenge me!
Hamlet: Oh God, please don’t let me have a heart attack. Please legs keep me upright.
Clutches chest
Hamlet: That bastard and that whore how dare they! Damn them both to hell! I swear I will take revenge.
Horatio and Marcellus: Hamlet!
Enter Horatio and Marcellus
Marcellus: Hamlet!
Horatio: God help him.
Hamlet: I must do this.
Horatio: Hey hey Hamlet!
Hamlet: Hey hey! Come here!
They embrace
Marcellus: How was it?
Horatio: What’s the news?
Hamlet: Oh it’s great!
Horatio: Oh that’s good tell us!
Hamlet: No you’ll tell someone.
Horatio: Oh my God no I wouldn’t. I swear.
Marcellus: Me neither!
Hamlet: How can you say that! You’ll want to tell people!
Both: No, we swear.
Hamlet: All the monstrous people in this company are evil!
Horatio: Well you didn’t need a ghost to tell you that.
Hamlet: So true. Listen, let's just go back to our business and forget about this. I need to go pray.
Horatio: Hamlet you’re not making sense.
Hamlet: I’m sorry if I offended you. I really do.
Horatio: You haven’t offended me at all.
Hamlet: Oh, but I have. This visit, this information it’s all been too much. I can’t take it! I can’t keep secrets from you Horatio. I know you want to know, so promise me this.
Horatio: What is it?
Hamlet: Never tell anyone about tonight.
Both: We promise.
Hamlet: Not good enough you have to swear it.
Horatio: I swear on my life.
Marcellus: And on mine.
Hamlet: Upon this.
He pulls out a pocket knife.
Hamlet: It was my father’s.
Marcellus: We already swore Hamlet.
Hamlet: Swear upon the knife.
Ghost: Swear.
Ghost cries from under the stage.
Hamlet: Father are you there? Do you hear that? You must swear.
Horatio: Okay say what we are swearing again.
Hamlet: Never speak of this night. Swear on this knife.
Ghost: Swear.
Hamlet: Always. Then we’ll move somewhere else. Come here. Touch the knife. Never speak of tonight. Swear on the knife.
Ghost: Swear.
Hamlet: Well said father! Are you listening from hell? Have you dug your way up? Quite a digger!
Horatio: Hamlet this is weird, but I swear.
Hamlet: Oh dear Horatio you must welcome this stranger, for there are things beyond what we are taught in school. You must swear no matter how weird I get you will stand by me, and please don’t say anything. Let’s get out of here. I have something I was born to do to get done.