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It’s quiet for just a moment in his dorm, and thenー
“Didn’t take you for a drinker, Merumeru~,” Rinne leers at him, face just a little flushed from the can of alcohol dangling from his hand, “ain’t a good little schoolboy like you pretend to be, eh? ‘S fine, I like you better when you’re off that high horse of yours.”
“This,” HiMERU holds up the bottle by the neck as he retrieves it from the fridge, “is cola.”
Rinne just giggles back, like what he said was funny, somehow. HiMERU just sighs.
Tetora and Arashi had left the dorm for the holidays, the former at home and the latter abroad in Italy. While he usually preferred the quiet to the typical assortment of loud bangs, shouting, and phone calls that were loud enough to hear both ends of the conversation, the heavy tranquility that made itself known unsettled him to no end. … He was just living in an apartment all on his own just before he started working with Crazy:B, how did he suddenly grow to resent the silence so much? And, ignoring that for a minute, so lonely that he agreed to have Rinne Amagi over, willingly even, in the place he now lived in?
Maybe he’s starting to consider Rinne an ally? Perhaps a good acquaintance? Maybe, if he was getting extremely ambitious, a friend?
He watches Rinne, upon hearing a notification from his phone, scoot around on the floor to get to the table where he placed his phone. Once he gets to his destination, he itches his ass, and then lets out a loud burp. He turns to HiMERU with a shit-eating grin on his face.
… Any modicum of a good relationship he suspected he had with this man has been thrown out the window. Rinne Amagi is a son of a bitch who took advantage of his goodwill and the kindness of his heart.
HiMERU rolls his eyes in return.
“Oi, oi, that reminds me,” Rinne turns around, looking at his phone in his lap, “ya still not doin’ anything for Christmas?”
A shake of the head, and a sip of his soda. When he looks up, Rinne’s giving him a look that conveys bashful.
Why.
“Niki-kyun’s tryna throw ya one last bone, ya knoooow~? You’d be real heartless to deny his offer.” HiMERU’s being given the greasy adult man version of puppy-dog eyes.
“And as HiMERU told Shiina before, it’s fine, ” he sighs into the bottle, “if HiMERU were to join, it’d feel like an intrusion.”
“‘Intrusion’? C’mon dude, you’re part of the family!”
“That’s quite the statement, considering your actual brother will be in attendance.”
“The kid would love to have you, by the way. Real good kid, absolute angel.”
“HiMERU never said he wouldn’t, or that he wasn’t, merely that it wasn’t HiMERU’s place to attend.”
“What? Spendin’ Christmas with your real family?”
HiMERU pauses for a moment. “Nothing of the sort. It’s a difficult time to see them, so HiMERU is opting to stay at Ensemble Square in the meantime. That’s all.”
(He wonders for a moment if Rinne knew just how in poor taste that was, would he slam on the brakes and reverse, or slam on the gas?)
“Y’know, if ya boy had to give an honest, down-to-earth, God-honorin’ opinion on what your home life must be likeー”
“You don’t strike HiMERU as particularly religious.”
“ーYa seem like the guy who’s got a fraught relationship with his parents.” Rinne grins at him, before taking a sip. “Like a runaway kid, who doesn’t wanna go home.”
HiMERU supplies his best poker face in return. His unit leader stares back at him, like he’s examining him under a microscope for any sort of sign that betrays that ambivalence.
It’s not as though he’ll find it here, so what’s the point in looking?
“How do you suppose?” He asks, expression unchanged.
“Hmmm,” Rinne’s still smiling, as if he knows something, and HiMERU feels a sudden chill, “takes a troubled child to know a troubled child~?”
“You, a troubled child? HiMERU could have never predicted that.”
Rinne interjects with a hyena laugh. “Dunno how ya couldn’t, Crazy:B’s loaded with ‘em!”
“HiMERU would only imagine that Shiina only became more troubled upon meeting you, Amagi.”
“You’re such an ass, y’know that…? Thankfully, you’re a pretty face, so everything hurts juuuust a li’l less comin’ from you.” He sticks out his tongue playfully. HiMERU wishes that glassing your friends was a morally acceptable thing to do. “I was a plenty good nii-san to itty-bitty Niki, Himerunrun! It wasn’t easy, either! He was dumber then than he is now!”
“Then how come you can’t even behave when Oukawa is around?”
“That kid’s only fifteen ー fifteen years old, Merumeru! ー ‘n’ he’s already such a hardass. Ya boy’s endless wisdom just comes in different flavors for different kids!” All of a sudden, Rinne’s face droops into a frown. “... We didn’t forget to invite him, right…?”
“Oukawa’s busy. The leader of Knights wanted to show him around the city during the holidays.”
“Aaahh, the other spoilsport.” Rinne sighs dramatically. “My widdle Kohakuuuun better not listen to that piece-of-shit cousin of his’s word too hard, he’ll get gray hairs ‘fore he even finishes school.”
“Oukawa doesn’t attend school.”
“... Right.” A groan as he collapses to the floor. “Ya gotta be the one to graduate then, Merumeru. We’re countin’ on ya to make us look good with your high school diploma.”
Rinne winks at him (he grimaces in return) and then yawns.
“You’re not sleeping here.” HiMERU says plainly.
“See, this? This is the ‘spoilsport’ shit ya boy’s talkin’ ‘bout. This is why you’re spendin’ Christmas alone.”
“Better alone than with you.”
“C’moooon, I’m your senior. Where’s the respect for senior citizens anymore…?” He says with crocodile tears in his eyes, getting up, a little wobbly. HiMERU makes no effort to go help him.
“... Are you going to be able to make it?”
“‘M just gonna crash at the dorms. The other two’re already gone, so, like, how I act in there doesn’t matter.” He gives HiMERU something of a… smolder. A drunkard’s smolder, but. A good-faith attempt at one. “Are ya worried ‘bout little ol’ me?”
He actually can’t help his face from falling into an incredulous look. “... HiMERU’s worried you couldn’t possibly get out of here fast enough.”
“Fine, I’m outtie!” The red-haired man frowns and goes to grab his jacket from where it hangs by the door. HiMERU sets down his soda to go to the door and lock it behind him, before he spies the box of alcohol on the counter.
“Amagi. Your alcohol.” He really doesn’t owe him any more dignity than that.
“Early present from ya boy.” Rinne shoots him a peace sign, opening the door. “Party as hard ‘n’ loud as ya want, cave the damn roof in, drink yourself half to death! Merry fuckin’ Christmas!”
HiMERU subsequently slams the door in his face.
It’s the next day and he’s feeling somehow both restless and boneless. Apathy’s not exactly new for him, but it’s been a while since he felt just this empty. Really, he’s just counting the days down until this season’s over and they can get back to normal, but everyone’s schedules just have to run around this stupid holiday.
What’s he to do…? He’s running on what’s unrestricted free time, and yet he can hardly bring himself to do a thing. The image he’s creating for himself, that’s been fully baked into him at this point, doesn’t have any idea of what to do when it’s no longer needed. If he breaks character in an empty room, does he really break character at all? Even Narukami’s cat isn’t here to witness.
The cafe was to be closed over the holiday break, the others in Crazy:B were occupied, everyone in his clubs had other plans. And his family? Out of the question entirely.
(He has, long ago, came to the conclusion that Ibara Saegusa is somewhere on that family tree, which is a fact he’s wished every day he could forget.)
HiMERU first starts his day by cleaning the room. It’s just a pleasant thing to do, and it might net him an I-owe-you somewhere down the line once his roommates return. So he takes a generous amount of time to thoroughly clean the surfaces he can, almost creating time to pass with. Countertops, windows, floors, … just his bed (everyone respects his privacy, so it’s best to respect everyone else’s if he wants to keep it that way), fake plants, desks, an absolutely hellish amount of cat hair.
He squints at the clock. Only an hour and a half have passed. Mind numb, he goes to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Really, he’s just going through the motions of living at this point, he’s hardly any different from the zombies in the movies he’s watched with his roommates. What’s inoffensive, still left in their fridge, that he should have the honor of clearing out? Ham and cheese? Sure, why the hell not at this point. He gets to work on making it, using the remote control plastered in pink stickers to turn the TV on.
… It’s not that he’s a “Scrooge”, as Niki had so gently put it the other day, really, he can find the fun in the activities surrounding when it gets down to it. It’s just that everything gets so excessive around this time that he finds fault with. There’s an unspoken pressure to change your life or someone else’s for the betterー between getting something you’ve always wanted for Christmas or making resolutions during New Years, neither are festivities he can participate in. He’s made the effort to procure presents in advance for the others, but with that out of the way… what’s he really to do for himself?
It’s with the fourth or so commercial that he figures he can’t stand it, and switches the TV off. He’s definitely getting too self-involved with what’s ultimately an easy way for companies to advertise, and he needs to take a step back.
There’s a knock at the door. Not a banging that would indicate Rinne, or perhaps Kohaku, just the kind that makes the situation just as ambiguous as possible. He sets the sandwich down, and makes sure to wipe his face and toss the napkin in a waste bin as he makes his way over to the door to open it.
And he does. He opens the door to one Tatsumi Kazehaya.
“Ah, HiMERU-san!” Why is he acting surprised when he’s the one who knocked? “I’ll be honest, I half-expected no one to answer at all, so I’m a little shocked.”
Oh, well. That answered that.
“Hi,” he doesn’t open the door all the way for Tatsumi to see in behind him, “did you need HiMERU for something?”
Maybe, he’ll say no.
“It’s a bit embarrassing to ask, so forgive me for acting skittish, I truly have no intention of duping you.” Tatsumi looks shyly to one side, his arms folded behind his back.
This cannot possibly go well.
“The sooner you ask this, the less time it’ll take.”
“I suppose you have a point. Well,” he takes a quick breath in, “I was asking all my classmates… er, well, I suppose not you, not anymore, but…”
HiMERU’s fingers twitch on the doorknob, one slip away from slamming the damn door right in Tatsumi Kazehaya’s blasphemous face.
“You see, my church is doing a gift drive, and we’re a bit short-staffed.” It really wouldn’t be Tatsumi Kazehaya if he wasn’t doing something so thoroughly selfless, huh? He supposes it’s not “feeding abandoned puppies in soup kitchens” kind of selfless like he’d made up in his head, but this is a little more realistic. “I understand people are often busy around this time, so I don’t want to push you into doing something you don’t want to doー really, the job will get done in the end, so don’t feel guilty if you can’t make it.”
… The thing is, lying is so easy. The only thing he has to do is make up an excuse, and Tatsumi would let him back out without hassle.
It’s just.
It’s really just.
Tatsumi Kazehaya may pretend to be an all-loving child of God, but he’s truly the devil for ensnaring him in this kind of riddle. Seriously, what kind of asshole turns down a gift drive? Regardless of his feelings on Tatsumi himself, this ask goes beyond him. He’s not getting a one-up on Tatsumi if he says no to this, he just inconveniences the process that affects some uninvolved third party more.
They’ll be more focused on putting things in boxes than each other, so this is really just a better way of giving himself something to do than any sort of interaction with the priest.
In other words, he means to concede and agree to help.
What comes out instead: “Wouldn’t Sazanami be better suited for something like this?”
“I’ve went to him already,” Tatsumi shakes his head in defeat, “it seems Jun-san will be spending time with Hiyori-san, until it’s time for him to go home. I’m almost a little envious of how well they get along, considering our fire-forged friendship.”
Shouldn’t that just be an indicator of how no one wants to hang out around you anymore?
“Ah, HiMERU sees,” he’s politely ignoring the fact that Tatsumi outright admitted to asking him last, “then it comes down to HiMERU to pitch in a hand?”
“Really, don’t feel pressured toー”
“Then HiMERU will help, of course. In the spirit of the holidays.” He cringes a little in saying that, but…
It’s best to let Tatsumi feel he’s at his mercy. Tatsumi’s mouth runs dry as he seems to fight for the words to follow up with. What a perfect play he’d made.
“Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.” He even gives something of a little bow. Still, it’s a little irritatingー it’s not deep enough or frantic enough to be satisfying.
“Now then, Tatsumi Kazehaya, what day did you have this planned for? HiMERU’s schedule around this time can get hectic,” Priest always said a lie coming from a straight face and modulated voice is always undetectable, “so it might be a bit difficult to get in order.”
“O-Oh,” he looks all bashful again, “well, then, um. Sorry, once more for this but… does later today work…? Early evening, around 4:30pm…?”
The same damn day!?
“... That’s soon.” Somehow, he thought Tatsumi was above this. “Well. You’ve caught HiMERU at a good time; there isn’t much HiMERU has to do today. HiMERU should be able to make your… impromptu invite.”
“Thank you, again.” He looks like he wants to fall through the floor right now. “Really, truly. I can give you a ride over when it’s time, too. My church lends me a car sometimes, so Iー”
“That won’t be necessary. HiMERU can take the train.”
“Ah, of course. HiMERU-san’s always been very resourceful.” The priest fucking chuckles despite everything. “Well, I’ll send you the address on HoldHands.”
“That’ll be great.” HiMERU begins to ever-so-slightly begin to close the door.
“I’ll leave you to yourself, then.” At least he seems to get the message, flashing HiMERU one last smile as he walks off and waves.
HiMERU closes the door, gently, and locks it. And then marches over to the couch, grabs a stylized sequin pillow, and screams into it.
“Glad you were able to make it.” Tatsumi smiles at him serenely.
Not a dent in his smile, or a suspicious hair astray, or even a drop of sweat. It’s almost like HiMERU isn’t an hour late because he took the train instead. He’s reminded again of why the man’s mere existence is exhausting to him.
“So glad to be here,” he responds, “apologies that HiMERU was late. You know, the train.”
“I figured you would have texted if you weren’t coming, so please don’t worry about it.” Good God, this guy has a positive response for anything even teetering on negativity.
“Of course,” not a chance, actually, “so, where should HiMERU start?”
“Well,” Tatsumi turns around and starts pointing things out, “we’ve gathered everything up front at the chancel. We’re separating into certain demographics, and putting them onto or around the labeled pews,” he leads him to the front, near the altar, so he can get a better look at it all, “and once that’s done, we’ll wrap them.”
HiMERU feels uneasy when he approaches the altar. Probably because of the mountain’s worth of toys ahead of him, surely.
“The other members of the church will be here to help, so if you can’t find me, please feel free to ask them.”
“What, are you going somewhere, Tatsumi Kazehaya?”
Tatsumi shifts his feet. “My father’s in the backroom. He’s been periodically calling me in to show me the things he’s preparing and practicing for the church’s Christmas activities, so I’ll be in and out during all of this.”
“And that is what is more important than the gift drive, HiMERU understands.” He cheerfully leers.
In return, the priest seemingly shrinks. “We don’t see eye-to-eye on the importance of each of these tasks, but it’s not anything I can change. The way my father understands it, once I’ve had my fill of my idol business, I’ll come back here to take over his role.”
“And will you?” Please say yes.
“It’d be better for my knee to cut down on the amount of jumping and running I have to do, wouldn’t it?” Tatsumi laughs uneasily. “But, I’m still unsure. I don’t think I’m qualified to be a priest, and at times, I hardly feel qualified enough to be an idol. … I suppose, I’ll just see where the future takes me.”
HiMERU can’t really argue with that. Though he wants to, a little. If Tatsumi Kazehaya vanished from the stage overnight, he’s not sure how Kaname would react upon hearing the news. As if the poor boy hadn’t gone through enough, the one person he’d sacrificed his health for, just leaving it all behind would surely break him. He already spends most of his waking moments in agony, this would certainly be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
“HiMERU thinks it’d be a waste of your practice, to simply give up at this point or even sometime in the near future.” He doesn’t say talent or skill, mostly because he’d rather die than admit Tatsumi had anything of the sort, and ends up striking “practice” as a middle ground.
“Your words are kind, thank you HiMERU-san.” Tatsumi dips his head. “Though, I can’t help but wonder what ‘you’ think?”
HiMERU almost physically recoils. Almost. His balled fist opens, and then closes again.
“Sorry, it was a joke.” It doesn’t appear Tatsumi noticed anything off with him. “Well, I’ll be right back. And thank you for coming.”
“Be on your way, you shouldn’t keep your father waiting.”
Tatsumi once again gives a little half-bow, before making his way to one of the internal doors of the church.
(With all this familial talk, he wonders just a bit, if the thing in the Reimei catacombs would try and contact him before the year went out, before he remembers he’s got that number blocked.)
HiMERU checks his phone. Only an hour has passed since he’s started this. It feels like it’s been an eternity, and they’ve only just gotten the mountain down to a third of its original size. At least the other members of the church aren’t bothering him, and are just allowing him to work as he needs to, but he’s feeling the same way he did in his apartment earlier today. It’s tough to even approach them, and none of them are making an effort to start talking first, which is all the more annoying when they’re audibly talking to each other.
About him.
The church’s structure makes the sound carry quite easily to HiMERU’s well-trained ears, and every so often he can catch little words from them. Once he’s put down the blanket on the pew designated for “general” items, he sighs and makes his way over to a pair of them. Two girls definitely younger than him, probably about high school age. He’s careful to conceal his footsteps, in the way Kohaku does on accident.
“Hello,” he greets them pleasantly, as they both jump a few inches off the ground, “is there something HiMERU can help either of you with?”
They’re both frozen for a bit, until the girl with the longer hair speaks up. “Um! Sorry for bothering you! We’re not trying to be mean or exclude you!”
Oh, so they’re avoiding him on purpose, how intriguing. “HiMERU understands. HiMERU was thinking, it was difficult to approach you all, but you seem to be quite considerate.”
“Really, we’re not trying to seem mean,” the other girl with the shorter hair speaks next, “it’s just, well, Tatsumi-kun.”
“Tatsumi-kun”? “Tatsumi Kazehaya?”
“Yeah,” she sort of fidgets her fingers, “well… ugh, no matter how I bring it up, it’s gonna sound weird.”
“Nonsense, go ahead.” Oh this was about to be nonsense alright.
“Tatsumi-kun asked us to not speak to you. He didn’t want us to bother you.”
“Yeah,” the other girl follows up, “he said specifically that ‘HiMERU-san is here to help get the job done, not to provide autographs’.”
… He was absolutely going to kill that bastard. “Thank you, for enlightening HiMERU. It’s not a bother if you want an autograph, since that’s part of HiMERU’s idol duties.”
“Really!?” Their voices raise a few pitches as they say it in tandem. HiMERU fears for a moment that there may be permanent damage to his eardrums.
“Please, if you have something you want HiMERU to sign, HiMERU can do that.”
“I-I brought my notebook, it’s in the backroom,” the shorter-haired girl pipes up, and looks at her friend, “we’ll be right back!”
The both of them dash off to the door. HiMERU watches them until they’re out of sight and goes to get another present. They’re never going to be done at this rate.
He’s able to get another, and another, and another, and the girls are still not back. With the rate they ran out of the room, he was certain they’d be back by now. Well, at least now, they’re not whispering about him at just the range where he can hear everything, which makes it easier to do his job. It’s only once the remainder of the pile is finally sorted through and the wrapping paper comes out do the two girls come back, one of them clearly trying to hide the notebook and pen behind her back. He’s about to say something when he notices Tatsumi walking behind them, face absent of its usual cheerful expression.
“HiMERU-san,” Tatsumi’s eyes meet his.
“Tatsumi,” HiMERU answers, “is something wrong?”
“My apologies, about those two,” he gestures to the two girls, “I didn’t mean forー”
“It’s not a problem, really,” HiMERU’s gaze trails to the pair, “HiMERU is more than happy to sign autographs at this time. It’s not as though it’ll take long.”
The girls’ eyes brighten, but they still give expectant looks at Tatsumi. Tatsumi looks to HiMERU, then to the girls, and sighs.
“If HiMERU-san says it’s fine, then it’s fine.” Despite his words, it seems he’s still a little hesitant to give the okay. “We’ve made good progress so far considering the time, so it should be fine.”
The girl with the shorter hair wastes no time flipping to and ripping out empty pages for him to sign, with the long-haired girl shyly offering a pen. HiMERU would love to take his time, but he can just feel Tatsumi’s gaze burning a hole in his back, so he too speeds the process up. Both girls seem ecstatic, and possibly like they’re about to ask him for something more, but still, once again, Tatsumi seems to shoo them away.
“You know,” HiMERU says to him, once the two girls are gone, “it’s HiMERU’s job ー and yours too ー to do fanservice such as this.”
“I’m well-aware, but the last thing you should be worried about here, during the holidays, is your job.” Tatsumi sighs. “That aside, you pride yourself on being more of a Showa -style idol, so I didn’t want them to bother you.”
“It’s not your job to turn away HiMERU’s fans. HiMERU knows full-well what signing on as an idol in this day and age means.”
Tatsumi goes silent. It seems like he wants to say something, but doesn’t.
“... Just say it.” HiMERU goes to pick up a roll of wrapping paper. “It’s more annoying if you don’t.”
Tatsumi follows him. “... You’ve really matured when I haven't been looking, HiMERU-san. I’m honestly a bit surprised by how well you handle those kinds of interactions now.”
“Was HiMERU ever bad at them?”
“No,” he smiles, waiting for HiMERU to rip off his portion before he accepts the roll, “you just didn’t seem comfortable with them. Like you were relieved when it was all over.”
“Oh.” HiMERU files that bit of information away for later, beginning to wrap a box of cookware. “HiMERU supposes, it was probably in part due to the conditions at Reimei.”
“I more so meant when you were first starting with Crazy:B. I didn’t really see many of your solo events, remember?”
“Ah. Right.” Fuck.
“You and Kohaku-san both seemed similar in that way compared to the other two,” Tatsumi tries to pick up a heavy-looking box, “I’d assume that’s why you’re so close.”
HiMERU squints at what Tatsumi’s even trying to do here. “Weren’t you just talking about how awful your knee is? Knock that off.”
Tatsumi puts it down for a second, trying to get a better angle on it. “Don’t worry too much about me, it’s just a little hard to lift, since you’re supposed to lift heavier things like this from your knees…”
His hands are swatted away as HiMERU puts the half-wrapped cookware in front of him and takes the heavy box from it. Oh, a vacuum cleaner. He supposes that makes sense as a gift.
“You’re older than all of the kids in your unit, so it astounds HiMERU how much dumber you are than them. You still haven’t unlearned that self-sacrificing attitude of yours.”
“It’s not…” Tatsumi trails off when he sees he has no hope of winning this argument. “... No, my bad. Thank you for your consideration, HiMERU-san. I’ve truly missed your company.”
HiMERU can’t help himself from rolling his eyes. “HiMERU can tell, otherwise you wouldn’t keep lamenting how alone you are.”
Tatsumi blinks at him.
“Be honest: how much of what you told those two girls was you honestly trying to help HiMERU out, and how much of it was you trying to monopolize HiMERU’s time?”
“... It’s tough to confess to this kind of thing on the spot. Envy’s a sin, after all.”
“So is lying, isn’t it?”
“It is.” Tatsumi replies bluntly. “I’m a bit embarrassed I’ve still got such a childish side to me.”
“HiMERU doesn’t understand why you’ve restricted yourself from some emotions entirely. Isn’t it human to experience negative emotions? Suppressing these things only makes you more miserable.”
(It’s not meant to be a pep-talk. It’s meant to encourage Tatsumi to depart further and further from his priest of holy nights image.)
“There’s some truth in that, though in my case it’s just a part of me that I need to learn to temper. That’s all.” Tatsumi doesn’t tell him to stop talking, but HiMERU can sense he wants to table this line of conversation off here.
Unfortunately, he’s talking to HiMERU, not Kaname. “HiMERU thinks that’s just laying the grounds for you to lose control of your emotions.”
Not that that wouldn’t be amusing to see.
“Then what do you propose as a solution?”
HiMERU freezes. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. “Interesting that you expect HiMERU to suddenly solve all your problems.”
Tatsumi recoils. “Sorry, I didn’t mean forー”
“The answer is simple enough, really,” HiMERU smirks to him, “you simply just vent to HiMERU. We seem to meet up like this an uncanny amount these days, so there’s no harm in it. There’s the added bonus of not seeming unlike yourself in front of those juniors in ALKALOID either.”
The priest weighs his options. “That’s… it’d be a mighty ask, and I don’t wish to impart any burden onto you, HiMERU-san. You’re one of my dear friends.”
HiMERU feels bile filling in his throat. “Not a problem in the slightest. HiMERU isn’t remotely burdened.”
He’s still visibly hesitating. “... I’m… afraid that I still would have trouble relaying all of that to you. If it would be fine, could you give me until the New Year to think on it?”
“Not a problem.”
“Thank you for all of your hard work.” Tatsumi’s doing his best to avoid making eye-contact with a poorly-wrapped rocking horse.
In his defense, being able to convincingly wrap something that obvious wasn’t anywhere in his idol contract. “Much the same, but ultimately glad to be done.”
“That’s true, though hard work should be celebrated. Go ahead and be on your way.” A pause. “Ah, unless you need a ride back to the dorms, I can offer you one?”
“No thank you, HiMERU will do just fine on the train.” He says it all way too quickly. “You, hm. You don’t seem to be wearing a coat?”
“I intend on staying behind for a minute.” Tatsumi acknowledges. “I intend on praying a bit before going back.”
“What are you praying for, Tatsumi Kazehaya?”
Tatsumi gives him an all-knowing smile, before saying: “If you’d like to come join me, I’m not about to stop you.”
And then skulks back into the church. HiMERU gets the feeling he’s looking behind him. There’s something about being watched in the house of the lord that suddenly puts one on their best behavior, huh. He goes to turn on his heel to follow Tatsumi right back inside.
The church is about vacant by this time. The lights are on what he’s assuming are the dimmest possible setting, and the clamor and bustle of people has long since faded. Even the warmth is goneー this place is now all of a sudden cold and unfeeling.
HiMERU shivers. Best get this over with.
He notices Tatsumi kneel down near the altar, wincing somewhat as he does so, likely landing on his bad knee in the process.
“It’s been a year, it’s unlikely your knee is actually still in that poor of shape.”
“It’s not a confessional night tonight,” Tatsumi speaks with amusement in his voice, “but you sure do seem to have me admitting to things I wouldn’t otherwise say out loud. … You’re right in your assumption, though it’s not entirely as though I’m faking. It’s something of a phantom pain that’s still left with me.”
“And let HiMERU guess: you try to tell as few people as you can as not to worry them?”
Tatsumi’s still turned away from him, his gaze dead set on the altar in front of him. “If it’s still the injury itself, then everyone can believe that one day it will heal. A phantom pain allows for no such optimism.”
“So you’d rather delude everyone that it’s all fine than let people understand your pain?” HiMERU raises an eyebrow. “You’re perhaps a bigger liar than HiMERU takes you for.”
(That’s pretty rich, coming from him.)
“... All I can do now is provide a beacon of solace in the middle of the storm,” Tatsumi inhales and exhales, “so if I am to remain steady for generations to follow me, then steady I must become. Even if I’m still a little uncertain on my feet.”
HiMERU’s fist clenches. “... It’s people like you that are so easy to despise. Why do you choose to give a perfect image of yourself when you’re anything but?”
That was laced with a little more venom than he intended for, but Tatsumi doesn’t seem bothered by it. Instead, he finally turns his head to face him.
“I’m afraid it’s all I know.” He gives another trademark Tatsumi smile, but there’s a certain sorrow in the way his eyes crease.
HiMERU can only stare. There’s no fun in this game anymore, no need to take down a man who’s probably inches from tears, who’s still unaware there’s a game being played in the first place.
But the silence is worse. So, he chooses to sit down next to Tatsumi, assuming seiza like his supposed senior, and prays.
“HiMERU despises you.” The words slip from his lips, barely above a whisper.
Tatsumi, of all things, laughs. “I’m not surprised, but you must know, HiMERU-san, if you are to confess, you need to do it as yourself.”
“Who do you take ‘me’ for?”
“A young man with the last name of Toujou, correct?”
They both stare at each other with no intention of giving into the other.
“What is ‘my’ first name?”
“I believe I was reprimanded the last time I used a full name for you.” Tatsumi tilts his head to the side. “That aside, your confessions should be for you and the Lord. It’s a private ritual I don’t wish to intrude on.”
HiMERU stares at him. Being in the house of his God must’ve emboldened him. If he didn’t have a reputation to maintain and return, he’d kill him right here. Lord be damned as his only witness, Tatsumi knew too much, he needed toー
“I was praying for ALKALOID,” Tatsumi says to seemingly no one, “for Sazanami-kun, and for you, HiMERU-san. … You asked the question earlier, so I figured I should give you a proper answer.”
“And why would you pray for HiMERU?” He falls back into his usual manner of speech with ease.
“I hope one day, you’re free of me.” Tatsumi turns around to make his way out of the church. “I’d always had the hope that maybe we could be friends as we used to be, but if you despise me, it’d be for the best that one day you forget about me.”
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“Oh, it does. More than I can really put into words.” Tatsumi idles once he’s about to hit the midpoint of the aisle. “But it must bother you more. I’ve really got no say if it’s your hatred.”
HiMERU stands up, turning around with a force that surprises them both. “Tatsumi Kazehaya,” he speaks slowly, “know this: if you vanished off the face of the planet, HiMERU… ‘I’ would never forgive you. You’re not allowed to even think about tossing away your idol status or life until ‘I’ have thoroughly ruined you. Mark my words, ‘I’ personally will see to your destruction, so you can take your own damn fall instead of trying to take it for other people. Do you understand ‘my’ words?”
Tatsumi stares at him wide-eyed… until he giggles a bit. So much for him trying to sound threatening.
“That’s a fitting means to my end, isn’t it? Hoisted by my own petardー you, my protege being the final nail in my coffin?”
“Call it making us even.” HiMERU folds his arms.
“So it is, isn’t it.” He manages to calm down, pausing to think on it some more. “I wouldn’t mind going out like that. I’ll hold you to it, some day.”
“Some day, when those ALKALOID kids can finally spread their wings.” HiMERU muses. He doesn’t really care to feel the brunt of Rinne and Kohaku’s combined wraths.
“I thank you for your respect. … Well, I’ve overstayed my welcome in more ways than one. I’ll be off so… if you need anything, message me.”
“HiMERU will consider you in the case of a last resort, yes.”
Tatsumi gives him one last time before slipping through the door. With that, it’s now just him. Well, in theory, it’s him and the Lord, but HiMERU’s never considered himself religious. Still, he copies Tatsumi’s motion from earlier, with a tad more grace, and gets down on his knees, and silently claps his hands together.
He’ll pray for Kaname. He’ll pray for Kohaku, Niki, even Rinne. He supposes he’ll add Hiiro to that list, and truly, there’s no reason not to add Aira and Mayoi at that point. Arashi and Tetora are two other givens. Perhaps the twins too, that Yuuta especially seemed in dire need of it last time they met. Jun, as much as they didn’t get along, was always good to Kaname, so why not him as well?
… He considers asking for one more, but figures the Lord, as all-powerful as He may be, already has His hands full with Tatsumi Kazehaya. He’ll take care of that man himself.