Chapter Text
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye
It’s 4 in the morning on December 1st and Bernie Wolfe has not slept a wink.
In less than six hours, she will be back in England, back in Holby, and therefore back in the close proximity of one Serena Wendy Campbell, wine connoisseur, leopard print aficionado, renowned vascular surgeon and, quite possibly, the love of her life.
Only, Serena does not want her anymore. Bernie has made sure of that.
It has become her mantra over the past year.
Forget her. You’ll lose her eventually if you tell her you love her. You’re better off as friends.
There is just one tiny flaw in this logic: right now they aren’t friends, they are not even speaking. Because it is for the best.
That’s what you don’t want. You need time and space to decide what you do want.
Bernie had felt so clever when she repeated those words to Serena almost a year ago. Because Alex had been right, hadn’t she? She and Alex weren’t right for each other, it was all too messy, too forced, not thought through. And Serena? This was all new to her, overwhelmingly so. She had said so herself. This was the right decision.
Then again, they hadn’t made the decision together. Bernie had said what she thought was right and then she hadn't given Serena the chance to object.
And Serena had tried to tell her, again and again. She had sent text messages, e-mails, sometimes she even called and left voice messages, telling Bernie that she was sure, that she still wanted her, and if only Bernie would answer the damn phone to talk to her…
But Bernie was busy being a coward, so she never replied, even though she saved every single message. On particularly lonely nights she would pull out her phone and listen to the voicemail over and over just to hear Serena's voice. More than once she had to fight the urge to call Serena in the middle of the night. It was the right decision, wasn’t it?
A few months ago, right when Bernie’s secondment was coming to an end, something started to shift. Serena’s text messages had become angrier in tone before they began to subside and eventually they stopped altogether. Maybe she had finally moved on, maybe she was seeing someone else. So Bernie decided to stay. It was too late now, anyway.
And yet, Bernie’s stomach still lurched at the mere thought of seeing Serena with someone else. Evidently, she herself has not moved on at all, even though it is the right thing, the logical thing to do. No, going back was not an option anymore. Or rather, it wasn’t an option until one late evening roughly a week ago when she received an e-mail that promptly changed her mind.
I'm tired of being angry. It’s time to come back. The hospital needs you.
Three short sentences, but still enough to immediately set Bernie in motion, as if operating on autopilot. Only after booking the flight it occurred to her that this e-mail had come from Serena’s official hospital address rather than her private account.
The hospital needs you.
Bernie immediately felt like a fool. Serena clearly hadn’t written this because she wanted her back in her life. Then again, if the situation back in Holby was bad enough for Serena to contact her despite the silent treatment she received, then they obviously really needed her there. So eventually Bernie decided to still go back. She would keep it professional. Maybe, at the very least, they could be friends again.
So here she is. It's 4 in the morning on December 1st and Bernie has not slept a wink. It’s time to start packing and finally face the music.
❄️
“Angry with Miss Wolfe?”
“Not at all. I just don’t know what makes you think that I care in the slightest whether she comes back or not.”
“Because this hospital needs it, even if your pride thinks you don’t.”
Henrik’s words ring in Serena’s ears as she is staring at the woman standing in front of her, blonde hair as dishevelled as ever, a small, uncertain smile on her thin lips.
“Bernie!”
The words escape her against her better judgement, and she can feel the icy walls she worked so hard to set up around her beginning to melt as soon as their eyes meet. She had always known it would come to this, had known she would have to fight the urge to throw herself at the woman who broke her heart the moment they’d meet again, hypothetically speaking.
Because up until now, this was all hypothetical. After her talk with Henrik five weeks ago, she was very cross with him for even suggesting she ever talk to Bernie again, now that she finally felt like she was ready to move on. Which he bloody well knew! But she would be lying if she claimed his words had missed their mark. So eventually she gave in and reached out to Bernie, a final olive branch wrapped into three short sentences.
The hospital needs you.
Who was she kidding? I need you. Please come back, I want you in my life again, she wanted to add, This is not over. We’re not over.
But over the past months Bernie had made it very clear that these truths weren’t what she wanted, so Serena kept it professional in the end, lest she push her away for good.
Alas, Bernie responded to this absolutely professional and official work-related email in very much the same way that she responded to all of Serena’s prior attempts to contact her: not at all. Instead of giving her a fair warning or at least a short notice about her imminent return, Berenice Bloody Wolfe had opted to just rock up on the ward out of the blue.
So now that they are standing here, in the middle of the hospital corridor that is decked out in seasonal decorations in an attempt to spread some much-needed Christmas cheer in times of winter crises and staff shortages, there is only one thing for Serena left to do.
She turns around and runs.