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Dying doesn't hurt. Drowning does.
—
He gasps awake, feeling his bones settle as he stares up at the star-painted ceiling. Chipped paint golden in the sunlight, warm from the summer day and sparkling like real stars. The sun is bright as it breaks through the windows and he calms his heart down from the nightmare he must have just woken up from.
Waking up in the astronomy tower was always strange but not entirely new. He just didn't remember falling asleep here last night.
He never intends to fall asleep, he just falls asleep staring at his brother’s star sometimes. He’ll wake up warm on the ground, sunlight over him like a blanket and he’ll have to sneak his way down to the dungeons to get ready for the day. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens enough. He’ll get caught by Evan and Barty when he sneaks into their room and they will fuss and Regulus will pretend to hate every minute of it. But they’ll get ready for class and walk to breakfast together and he will try to catch a pair of honey eyes three tables away. It's something he's done since he got the mark. The one thing he looks forward to. Those eyes and that smile.
He just never gets it.
It's all he wants. It's all he's ever wanted.
Today feels different. There is a calm that has settled in his bones that he has never noticed before. He feels light and like there is no rush to be had. He feels like he could lay on this ground forever, but he knows at some point he needs to get up and get ready for class. He just feels calm. There is no anxiety in his veins, no hunger settling in his stomach, no constant fatigue or pain in his arm. He is just calm. He feels wrong.
It's only when he gets up and puts his palm flat against the railing that he notices the ghostly pale of his hand. And then it all comes rushing to him like water in his lungs.
He's gasping on the floor of the astronomy tower and not a single person will know that he's drowning.
He died. And now he's here.
He drowned and now he's still drowning.
—
No one notices him. So he sits in his spot in the window sill and listens to professor Sinistra teach the newer students and tries to wait for something to happen. He doesn't know why he's here, he's been here for so long he thinks he will never leave.
It’s the same thing every single day.
Constantly waiting for something he doesn't know. Or someone, he supposed. He doesn't know which. And he thinks he will never know.
But then it all changes all at once.
He's sitting in the window gazing down at the grounds, wishing he could feel the breeze against his skin or feel a broom in his palm when he hears it.
"Harry Potter?" Professor Sinistra calls and Regulus whips his head around to see a scrawny boy with a mop of unruly hair and crooked glasses "Yes professor?"
He watches as the young boy waves off his friends waiting at the door and walks over to the professor. She smiles down at the boy.
"Im so very happy to have you in my class Mr. Potter" Harry fidgets under her gaze and Regulus feels helpless watching him "I was sad to hear about your parents" she adds softly putting a dainty hand on his shoulder offering a little squeeze "They were good people"
Regulus gasps. He didn't know.
James is dead.
"If you need any help please let me know Mr. Potter" Harry nods quickly, eyes looking sad behind those glasses.
There is water sitting heavy in his lungs. He's gasping, trying to breathe through it but he's drowning again. And again. And again.
How did he not know? How did he not know James is dead?
"Now it's getting late" she waves a hand softly at the night sky "I will see you next Wednesday night, don't forget your telescope!"
There are hands pulling him under. He's crying, face pressed to the floor and gasping for air he doesn't need.
The smile on Harry's face is small and sad when he nods,"Thank you professor" and as he reaches the door he says "Goodnight".
Professor Sinistra smiles sadly back at him "Goodnight Mr. Potter"
He is left mourning James Potter on the floor of the astronomy tower too many years too late.
He watches as Sinistra wipes a single tear falling from her eye as she packs up her things. He calls after her to tell him she’s wrong. He begs and he pleads as she closes the door behind her.
He's left alone. Always alone.
—
Remus is here. They stare at Sirius' star together.
They cry.
He comes back almost every night. He sits for a few hours and talks. Talks about all the things they did in school and Regulus learns about his brother from the man that loves him. He learns about the pranks and the love they shared. About the rough patches and how upset Remus is about Sirius' betrayal.
He learns then that Sirius is responsible for James' death.
Regulus wants to scream. He wants to beg Remus for every piece of information.
But Remus leaves. And Regulus stays.
—
There's a dog here. Black as night.
They sit and stare at the full moon together.
It's quiet. The dog leaves in the morning and he comes back every full moon.
Until the dog stops coming. And Regulus stays.
—
Eventually he learns of Peter. He remembers him from school. A mousey boy that was always hanging around James, Sirius and Remus. He always seemed nice, but that was before the war got him. It got them all in the end. But Sirius didn't do it.
Sirius didn't kill James.
Regulus stares at his brother's star and tries to keep himself together.
—
Barty is here. He is here and he's wrong. He's so wrong and twisted and he mourns the death of his friend who he once loved. The one that made crude jokes and always made sure Regulus ate. The one that stayed up with him on his worst nights, laying in bed and making dumb jokes just to get a hint of laughter. The one that took the oath on the same night as Regulus, scared out of his mind and only out of family obligation.
He's sitting in the astronomy tower leaning over the railing looking towards the pitch. He wonders if he is thinking about Evan.
Evan flying on his broom. Smile wide on his face, laughter in his eyes and wind in his hair. He wonders if they ever got their time together. Wonders if they ever got the chance to be soft with one another in the way he knows Barty wanted and the way Evan deserved. He wants to ask. He wants to put a palm on Barty's heaving shoulders and will the pain away. To wipe the tears from his face like he did so many times before.
But he gets up and leaves. Regulus doesn't get to see him again. Regulus never gets to beg him to leave Harry alone. Never gets to beg him to stay.
He learns that Harry survived. He also learns that Barty didn't.
Regulus drowns.
—
Dumbledore is here, he comes here a lot.
The astronomy tower offers the best view but Dumbledore comes here to talk, he mutters the name Grindelwald as he speaks and Regulus tries to drown him out.
Of all his visitors, Dumbledore is the worst. He talks through his plans about Harry and how he will save the wizarding world. He talks about him like a chess piece and it makes Regulus so angry.
Regulus wants to scream and shout.
He wants to tell Dumbledore that Harry is a child. He is James' child and he needs to be protected. He wants to push him out of the astronomy tower and for him to never return, but he keeps visiting and keeps talking and he keeps scheming. So Regulus drowns out his muttering and talks over him instead.
He talks about honey brown eyes and a smile so lovely. He talks about smiles on the quidditch pitch and late night talks in the kitchens. He talks about hidden meetings here in this tower, hands grasping and loving. He talks and talks and talks.
Dumbledore doesn't hear him.
And then Dumbledore leaves.
Regulus still talks.
—
His cousin is here. A Malfoy, but a Black in everything but name. Narcissa's boy. Blonde and tall, he has the same face shape as Sirius, eyes like Andromeda and sadness in his bones that all Blacks carry.
He watches as he shakes and cries.
He knows what they are making this poor boy do. He watches as Draco clutches his arm in pain and cries into the night air. Watches as he breaks apart just as Regulus did, watches as history repeats itself again and again. But Draco has no one here to help him. Regulus did this, knows what he is going through, but he had friends to help. Draco has no one to mourn his childhood, no one to wipe his tears and whisper jokes to get him to crack a smile.
He is alone and Regulus wants so badly to show him that he isn’t.
He watches as his family curse spreads itself through another unwilling body. A poison that kills slowly. Regulus feels water in his lungs, feels himself choke on the death and destruction he has seen, and knows that in the end Draco will be torn apart. Knows that Draco will have to see the same horrors.
So he mourns the life of another young boy. He wants to reach out, tell him it's going to be okay, that he can still be good and that the mark won't always hurt. He wants his cousin to know he's not alone, but he leaves before he can work up the nerve to do so.
Regulus drowns by himself. Alone. Again.
—
The last time Dumbledore is in the astronomy tower is the day he dies.
His cousin is here again, wand pointing, shaky hands and tears unshed in blue eyes. His options are few but they all lead to the same path. There is only ever one path for those of house Black, death awaits all who share that name, and it’s coming for this boy like all the ones before him.
Bella is here. All of them are here. He looks at the faces of those he once knew, jeering as a young boy is battling himself and dying in every way possible and none of them can see it. None of them see the trembling for what it is, they take it for exhilaration, for adrenaline, but Regulus sees that it is fear. It is sadness. And it is guilt. Because Draco doesn’t want to do this. Dumbledore knows this too, can see it in his wide eyes and the way his lips tremble.
Snape in the end, does it. Saves the boy from ripping apart at the seams but Harry is here too. He's screaming and he's angry and Regulus just wants it all to stop.
The death.
The drowning.
The locket.
Why won't it stop?
Dumbledore doesn’t visit again.
—
Harry is here sitting with his friends.
Regulus does not know their names but they are huddled together after Dumbledore's funeral, whispering and passing the locket to one another.
“It’s supposed to be a horcrux” Harry murmurs to them and they both turn to look at him “Dumbledore told me about them, how Voldemort used them to become immortal”
“This was supposed to be one of them” Harry sighs, looking down at the familiar piece of parchment and Regulus feels guilty.
“Who is R. A. B.?” The brown haired girl asks, her voice is soft and sad.
“I don’t know, but Dumbledore did all of that for nothing” Harry lets out a frustrated noise as he shoves the parchment away from himself and the brown-haired girl takes it and reads it again.
The red-head peers over her shoulder to read it as well.
“It wasn’t for nothing” the red-head says softly still looking at the note “He explicitly states that he knows it’s a horcrux, without this we were just kind of guessing right?” He looks up and over at Harry who shrugs in response.
“We just need to figure out who this R. A. B. bloke is and find the real locket.”
“That’s the problem Ron, we don't know who this person is”
“Yeah well as far as I’m concerned I’d rather it be missing than guarded by ole’ Voldy anyway” the boy named Ron snorts, crossing his arms.
The girl lets out a chuckle and turns to both boys, note still in her hand.
“I can't believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Ron”
Harry lets out an undignified snort and Ron stares wide-eyed at the brunette.
“Hermione, really?” Harry sits up and looks at the girl.
“Yes hold on Harry, I mean it. He has a point. This person, because they could be a woman, Ronald” she glares at Ron,”-has pretty much proved that Dumbledore’s theory was right and that we are in fact looking for horcruxes. We have also learned that it is no longer in Voldemort’s hands.” The girl named Hermione smiles at the both of them.
“It could even be destroyed for all we know”
Regulus wants so badly to tell them all he knows. Who to go to, where to look, and he tries. He tries to touch them, to grab a shoulder, he tries whispering, he tries shouting but they don’t hear him.
They leave and he feels like a failure all over again.
They leave and he shouts at them to come back, he prays and he cries and he tries to follow but he can't move past the door.
He sits on the floor and waits for the next visitor.
—
Hogwarts is dark.
The sky feels bleak and there are screams echoing all around his tower. He hears crying and sees the tear marks on students' faces. He never sees professor Sinistra again.
Astronomy under this regime is not taught. So he doesn’t get many visitors.
There were a couple in the beginning, a lanky boy with scars around his throat and face hiding a couple first years in the tower. He sat with them for hours listening as the boy, Neville, told the younger students about different hiding places in the castle.
He doesn’t see Neville much, but he hopes he is alright.
Then there is a red haired girl that sits on his railing to smoke every now and again and he just enjoys the silence as she sits staring out at the night sky.
There is a blonde girl, her name is Luna he learns later, that visits sometimes. She always manages to sit right next to him every time she visits and she talks to him like she would anyone else. She talks about how much she misses home and her dad, she talks about what is happening in the school right now, who is doing what and she always says whatever is on her mind. In all the darkness she still talks to him about crushes, and friends she misses. She tells him stories that make him laugh and he looks at his distant cousin and feels a love for her she will never know.
She also talks about Draco. They are related, she says, although distantly, and she worries about him. He is looking paler and not eating and he is struggling because they make him cast crucio on the younger students. She says his crucio’s never hurt, he doesn’t mean it when he mutters the curse and she says all the other students know this too. They pretend they hurt of course, so they can keep getting away with little to no punishment. But she worries that Draco thinks he’s really hurting all these people.
She always says goodnight when she leaves.
He hasn’t seen Luna in awhile, he prays she is okay.
—
Snape is here.
He stands at the railing always looking down. The spot where Dumbledore fell has been clean for a year, but the blood has still soaked the earth there, and left it with the memory.
Regulus remembers Snape from school. One year older than Regulus, and very outspoken about blood traitors and mud bloods. So when he comes the first night, Regulus doesn’t expect him to sob and shake and mourn over the man he thought was an enemy.
He watches as his shoulders shake and hears him whisper apologies and asks Dumbledore again and again why he made him do it.
Snape visits often. He sends a patronus one night, a soft glowing doe sits in the circle of the tower. Lighting up the painted stars that still glitter and watches as it disappears out of the window. He wonders what Snape is doing.
After he sends the patronus he stops coming to the tower.
Regulus is alone again.
—
Wards have gone up. And there is a silence now as the castle prepares to fight.
Luna steps into the tower, looking around until she spots him sitting on the railing. She sits down on the floor, almost leaning on his leg as she lets out a sigh.
“Harry is looking for something but I can’t get him to listen to me” she looks up “He is very stubborn like that I know, but I wish he would listen”
He feels himself laugh because he has never heard her sound so frustrated. She lets out an airy laugh as the night air ruffles her hair.
“He’s looking for something of Ravenclaw’s but he is doing it the wrong way” she starts “He needs to listen to someone who knows where it is because no one alive has seen it, because it’s a lost item.” Regulus looks down at her with an eyebrow quirked and his arms crossed. She stares back and leans back a little and sighs again.
“You’re right. I’ll just make him listen to me then”
She stands up and brushes off the dirt from her pants, before looking up at him again.
“I missed you cousin, but I do hope you will be able to move on soon” she smiles sadly at him as Regulus starts to frown. She smiles and laughs as she walks backwards to the door and he has to smile back.
“I hope you will find peace dear cousin” she whispers as she leaves him standing at his window.
He’s alone but he feels seen.
—
There’s screaming now. The wards have dropped.
Some more people come to the tower. Some students huddle to collect themselves, some to patch up wounds, and some to grab a loved one for a quick kiss before they get back to fighting.
He watches it all from the window seat. Hoping and praying and wishing that everyone is okay. That Harry can make it out of this. That there is a way that James’ boy can live.
It’s in this window that he watches Harry make his way to the forbidden forest, and watches him walk to his death. Harry turns to stare up at the castle and Regulus feels for a moment that Harry can see him in his window. He is crying as he stares down at the young boy who should have had a good life.
He is crying because the last part of James is going off to die.
—
From the window he can see the dead body of Voldemort lying in the courtyard. Left there to rot and scar the earth with his blood and gore. His arm outstretched, reaching for a wand and never quite reaching far enough.
He's standing at the window when he hears footsteps make their way up the tower, they are clunky and worn. Tired after the battle and weary as the new world starts. He turns slowly to see Harry standing in the doorway, out of breath and covered in blood and dirt.
He's staring right at Regulus.
"Sirius?"
The irony of being called his brother's name is so thick he's choking on his response so he just shakes his head. He watches Harry deflate and he never wanted so badly to be his older brother. He wants to take that pain away. Wants to curl up and let himself drown again if it meant Harry had Sirius instead.
"Regulus", he gasps out. He feels like he hasn't talked in so long and it scratches up his throat like inferi desperate for blood.
"My name is Regulus Arcturus Black"
Harry stands there staring at him with a look Regulus can't quite place.
"R. A. B.?"
He nods and offers the boy a smile. It's small and it costs him so much but he wants the boy to see it. Harry has seen too much sadness and Regulus has known very little happiness but he wants to show him. A little sliver of warmth when the boy deserves the sun.
"I see you found my note"
Harry nods and pulls out the locket, it dangles from his hand, taunting him. Green and mangled, dead and finally destroyed.
He lets out a breath, feels it shudder through his body as he looks back up at the boy.
"It's over then?" Regulus asks even though he knows the answer. Harry nods anyway.
"Why are you here?" Harry asks as he shoves the locket back in his pocket.
"I don't know" he muses, turning to stare at the dead man below, palms resting on the railing. He turns back to look at Harry when he grows tired of looking at the monster. The red of his blood dripping on the stone makes him sick.
"I woke up here after…" he sighs "after I died. I came here, I lived here and I felt safe here, so I suppose that's why I'm here"
This is the safest place in the whole world for Regulus. He knows this.
The astronomy tower was where he always went when he needed to take a break, when he got tired of listening to his classmates spout hatred, where he went when Lily finally accepted James, this is where he felt love for the first time, and this is where he went when he finally died. It makes sense.
"You know" Regulus starts softly "...you have your-"
"Mother's eyes," Harry smiles "I know"
"No" he shakes his head, "well I mean yes you do have her eyes"
Regulus forces himself not to fidget.
"You have his smile" he finally gasps out. Feels it unravel from his chest. Because he's seen it in this very tower. James smiled at him when he found him here that first night so long ago. Secret smiles in the hallway when Sirius wasn't looking. And in secret passageways and on the stairs and in the kitchens and in the great hall. He knows that smile. And he loved that smile and he missed that smile when he stopped getting it.
He's watched Harry so much these past 7 years. Watched his first flight lesson from this window, watched him make friends, watched him laugh in the courtyard, watched him battle a dragon, and watched him walk to his death.
Regulus kept an eye out and hoped and prayed and wished on every shooting star that Harry would make it out okay. That Harry would get to smile more.
And here he is. Harry is here.
He did the one thing James could not do. He survived.
Regulus gasps, covering his mouth with his hand as he cries softly. There's water in his lungs again and he feels heavy. But Harry is here and he's safe and Voldemort is dead below them. Harry is here and he's visiting and he can finally talk to him and all he wanted was to talk to him.
"I'm so happy you're alive" he shudders out, gasping through his sobs.
Harry laughs softly and mutters a "Me too"
“I think I just wanted to make sure you were safe” he finds himself saying through his tears. Harry watches as Regulus presses his hand to his eyes and lets out a bone weary sigh.
“I wanted to make sure any piece of James was safe” he smiles sadly “James is gone but you’re still here, you’re still alive and that’s all I have ever wanted"
–
When he opens his eyes again, it's white. There’s white everywhere. But he feels safe.
So he walks. It's a corridor he remembers but he can't quite place where he's seen it. There are portraits that smile as he passes and there is a warmth that follows as he goes.
As he rounds a corner he sees people down the hallway, and hears them talking up ahead. Evan and Barty turn to look at him and smile as he runs up taking both of them in a hug. They fuss and argue over how long he was napping in the astronomy tower and they laugh.
They talk about what breakfast they were going to get and walk into the great hall together again.
When he looks three tables down he finds warm honey eyes and James mouthing “What took you so long?”
__
When Luna comes up the stairs, Harry is already there. Regulus is not.
She smiles as Harry turns around, he has tears in his eyes but he still offers her a small smile.
"Hello Harry" she smiles in return as she walks up to him.
"Hello Luna" he replies softly as she presses her shoulder against his, feeling him slump into her, happy for the support of her tiny frame. There is still blood on his hands and under his fingernails and he is still bleeding from a previous head wound, but he is warm and breathing next to her. So she is happy.
"When you told me there was a family member wanting to see me up here, I never thought it would be Sirius' brother" she laughs at his tone of voice but softly grabs his hand in hers.
Holding his hand she hums softly.
"There probably was a better way to phrase it I suppose" his thumb runs against her knuckles softly and she gets a soft laugh in response.
"I talked to him a lot when everyone was gone, you know." she smiles looking up at the stars painted on the ceiling "He never talked back, but I talked to him about you and he always looked so curious when I brought you up"
"I'm sorry we left you here alone" his voice is soft and quiet.
"Oh I wasn't alone, not at all Harry" she looks back up at him "I had my cousin"
Harry's lips tremble softly as he looks down at her "He said I had my dad's smile" and tears finally break through the dam. They leave his green eyes to drop down his face and Luna brings a hand up to wipe them away. They are warm against her fingers and leave clean lines through the dirt on his face.
"When he started leaving…" Harry gasps out "he said he was happy I was alive"
Luna pulls him into a hug. He has his arms around her tight, and her head nestled in the crook of his neck when she whispers, "We are all so happy you are alive Harry"
Harry allows himself to break down then. She holds him as tight as she can.
"I'm so happy you're alive"