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Plop. Plop. Plop
I watch the dreary gray sky outside as I sat beside my window sill. The slow pitter-patter of the rain follow the beat of my heart melodically. I put my half-drank jasmine tea on the table and hug my knees to my chest and succumb to the feeling of this rainy Wednesday afternoon.
It's been 4 years since I lost my heart. Metaphorically, of course. That one autumn afternoon where I lost everything in a blink of an eye. I was not the same since.
The somber feeling that the rain brings gives me a recollection of what happened in my past. As much as I hate the ache that I still feel from remembering those moments, I can't help the images that vividly flash in my head.
The images of him.
Where our last remnants of love have completely derailed from its path.
~
"Look at me. Say that again, and look at me."
Tom grabbed me by the shoulders and held me as if I am about to flee away. I want to. I want to escape this inevitable situation that I dread had come sooner than I expected, but I didn't. His gaze held me prisoner from its mystifying grasp, pulling me in, dragging me to the depths of oblivion.
I raised my shaking hands to clasp his soft face. "Y-you need to go..." Looking directly straight into his eyes, I desperately tried to tell him with mine how much this hurts me as well.
"This won't work at all. Don't hold back for my sake. You have your life ahead of you."
"Why are you deciding what's good for me?" He said with restrained anger while leaning to my touch. "My decision is mine to make. If I am willing to throw away my life for you, I would. So, why won't you let me? Don't you love me anymore?"
"No!" I managed to turn away from his burning gaze.
I love you. More than anything in the world.
That's why I have to do this.
"Then, why? Why are you trying to let me go?"
"Because I can't live my life, my dream, knowing that I'm the one who crushed yours! Can't you understand? This will never work... We will never work." The words fell from my mouth with bitter taste. Voicing them out loud gives a sense of finality. That this is the end. And no amount of prayers can ever refute the ending of what was promised as forever.
If there is another place or time, where broken promises can be mended, maybe it will. The bittersweet ending of young love has already set to follow our tale. And at this point, it's not willing to give us mercy.
"Is that so? You already gave up? Just like that?" Uncertainty clouded his own words.
I placed my arms around me tight trying to find comfort on my own.
"Yes..." A lone tear cascaded to my cheek. My eyes hold a thousand sorry, but still, I don't think that would be enough from the amount of hurt that flashed in his eyes.
"Very well, then." The echo of his footsteps as he walked away and the loud thud of the door awakened me from the horrors of my reality.
He's gone.
Gone.
From this moment on, I've never felt so alone.
Once he left me crying and shaking in the gloomy space of my flat, everything came crushing down on me like an avalanche of despair and agony. I tried to hold on what is left of my sanity just to redeem the pain of my decision.
I did this for him.
Meeting him brought me immense happiness. I deserve to put my happiness aside and let him follow his dream without me holding him back. That's the least I can do to repay him.
With the last bit hope I've had left, my heart uttered a silent prayer.
That maybe... just maybe, when the time is right again, when we are both steady, both have fulfilled their dreams, both are willing to take the risk again, we can find our way back to each other.
~
A big ball of dark brown fur broke me from my own reverie. He jumped on the empty space beside me and wagged his tail while looking at me with his big brown eyes.
"Hello, Bobby!"
He barked as if to say 'feed me now!'.
"Alright, alright. Come here you little squish ball. Let me grab your meal."
I stood up from the comfy space of my sofa and walked my way to the kitchen with Bobby's little footsteps following close behind.
"Here you go, bud."
Before I can turn around to go back to my seat, I felt warm arms engulfed me coming from behind.
"Tom!" I half-shouted when he tried to nip the skin below my ear.
"Hmmm...hi, darling. I missed you." I turned around to look at the man who was once the reason of my tears. Now, as I stare at him, all in his handsome glory, all the buckets of tears I shed were long forgotten with just the mere smile of his.
"Missed me? But, you were only gone for 45 minutes to buy some milk?"
"Every second that you're not with me is a reason for me to miss you." He whined as he buries his head on the crook of my neck. I smiled at the thought. His warmth surrounding me is enough to melt away the 2 years' worth of sadness I have felt when he left.
"Then, I missed you too." I pulled his face from my neck to look at him fully. For a second, I am in awe of this moment.
He really is with me.
"Why are you looking at me like that, love? Do I have something on my face?" He tried to brush the nonexistent dirt on his cheek.
"No, you silly!" I giggled at him and placed my palm to his beautiful face.
"I love you, Tom."
I will never get tired of repeating it. I uttered the words as if it's the last time I'm going to speak. I gaze to the blue depths of his eyes and realize right here that no matter how time and space can keep us apart, those words will always be my salvation to find my way back to him.
"And I love you a million times over, Mrs.Hiddleston."