Work Text:
Cas is gone. That’s the only way I can speak of him in the present tense.
He was beautiful. He was kind. He was the best man Dean had ever known. And now he only was. He will never just simply be again.
The hardest part of someone being gone though is that you still see them everywhere. Not in reality, not some kind of hallucination or vision but something far more painful and far less tangible.
They still exist in every memory and even as you make new memories, their absence feels more present than you could have been in that moment.
I still see Cas. Not every day like it was at first, but still his absence often feels more present than my own presence.
I see him in the little head tilt Jack does that reveals a curiosity I couldn’t even imagine. I often wonder if he learned that from Cas or if it is some kind of painful coincidence, like one last cruel joke from Chuck.
I see him in the fluffy tousled hair of a stranger. I can’t help wondering if that stranger's hair would feel the same as his once did. I can almost feel the way his hair moved as I ran my fingers through it.
I will never quite feel that again.
I see him in old flip phones, his old one is merely a relic now.
I see him in songs I used to love, but can barely listen to now.
I see him all over that damn bunker.
Hell, I see him in the trees on the road. The sapling apple trees seem so pure and will grow to be nearly as beautiful as he once was. The damn walnut tree I see every time I return home down Route 36 with its gnarled and twisted trunk shaded by its vivid green leaves. He deserved more shade from this world. I wish I hadn’t let him become twisted by this life, or by me.
I see him in the mirror every time I smile. I’ve always smiled, but he changed it. There was a softness to it that had never been there before and there’s a sorrow to it now that will never quite fade.
I see him at the bottom of every beer bottle. I remember when he would drink by my side. He wasn’t drinking to forget like Sam and I had learned to do over the years. He was drinking to create new memories. Ones with us. Ones with me.
I see him in every burger. One bite and I can't escape the vision of him scarfing them down next to me in the car.
That damn car. Baby holds every memory that haunts me. The good, the bad and the ugly.
When I look at her now, I still see her holding him. I see every fight, every several days long road trip, every victory and every loss. I see us. Nothing felt quite as right as him sitting in the back seat, watching over me. I was only checking behind me for cars, not the monsters of my past.
I see him now every time I turn my head because my world doesn’t feel as safe as it did before.
I see him on every hunt. I didn’t get the closure of watching him lose the life in his eyes. There was no body left to burn. Each monster I kill, every hunter who I see die just reminds me of what was missing. Cas left behind nothing but his absence for me to carry.
I see him after each hunt too. I see him as I wash the blood out of my clothes. I could never get his blood out of that old jacket as I desperately tried to erase his death. I could never bring myself to throw that jacket out either though. Sometimes Sam tries to help me out and will hang it up with the rest of my clothes. It never stays up for long.
I see him in the late n ights, curled up on my bed, in the bunker or on the road. I hold onto that jacket as I cry. I hold it tighter to get to sleep knowing I don’t have my angel to watch over me. He will never hold me again.
I see him in Sam’s knowing eyes. There’s a softness there that almost feels like pity to me. It eats me up inside when he feels like he has to take care of me. He’s supposed to be the little brother. It’s my job to protect him from this kind of pain.
I see him in Sioux Falls. I hate that he didn’t get to know Claire for the woman she’s become. She deserved a father and he deserved that apple pie life. I see the eyes that I know she got from Jimmy, but to me will always belong to Cas. I know he would be so proud of her if only he had forgiven himself before he was taken from us.
I see him in the woods. This feels more like Purgatory than those woods ever could, knowing i may never see him, but knowing i will never stop seeing him.
Screw that. I don’t know when or how, but I know where I will see him again. We will be together in heaven. It’s where Cas belongs, deals be damned. He was an angel. He was my angel. He will be in heaven or heaven simply cannot be. He was my family, my everything, and I never got the chance to tell him.
Each time that I feel his hair in my hands and his head on my chest, I know that I will hold him again. Each time I hear it ringing in my ears, I know that I will hear him say “I love you” again with a look so soft it could break my heart all over again.
I see him everywhere that he was and I know I will see him again one day, and not as a was , but as an is .