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A nameless scout tells him the news. Levi swears his heart stops beating when he hears the Commander's arm was lost during the rescue mission. He made his own tourniquet and kept fighting, they say. It’s because of Commander Erwin that Eren was recovered . Despite the blood loss, he still rode back to the wall and through the gates before he collapsed.
He feels nothing. He feels everything.
Blurry. That’s how it feels. He doesn’t remember getting to the clinic or what he shouts at the nurses who hold him back. Behind the doors lies Erwin, broken and bleeding, and they won’t let Levi in.
He paces furiously, back and forth outside the doors, glaring at anyone who even dares look his way. His ankle throbs, shooting sparks rising up his calf and thigh. He should be sitting, but the pain grounds him. It reminds him that he was almost a goner once, but he survived, just as Erwin has survived his own brush with death.
Right?
“Levi!”
Hange. Levi isn’t sure if he feels more annoyed or relieved by their presence. Still, he fights the instinct to glue himself to the doors of the operating room.
“I just heard what happened! Have you seen him yet?”
Hange’s energy exhausts him. No, he hasn’t seen him yet. No, he doesn’t know how bad it is, only that Erwin lost so much blood. No, he doesn’t care about the outcome of the mission, not while Erwin lays bleeding without a limb. He tries to imagine Erwin without his right arm. How much of it is gone? He’ll need a lot of help from now on, Levi realizes, with writing, eating, and dressing and — oh, he thinks — bathing and using the toilet will be a challenge too, won’t it? That’s okay. I will help him. I will be his right hand. I already am. Still, try as he might, Levi can’t imagine Erwin as helpless or weak. It’s not an image he can forge in his mind, because Erwin is neither of those things. He is hard, he is strong and he holds the Corps together with both hands.
Oh.
He’s only got one now. One arm. One hand. Only one hand that Levi can hold, now. Only one hand that can hold Levi’s. He tries to remember the last time Erwin held his face with both hands, and he instantly misses it. He could sob at the loss of both hands holding his cheeks or running through his hair, so he imagines it and brings the familiar warmth to his memory. Long, sturdy, and strong calloused fingers that could slice titans to death but could also hold Levi so, so gently. Maybe this will be enough.
“We should gather reports from the scouts now that they’re back. There will be a lot to do with Erwin out of commission for a while.” Count on Hange to pull him from his thoughts.
No.
It will never be enough.
“Do what you can and I’ll join you later.” It’s dismissive, but he doesn’t care.
They haven’t moved, they linger, and Levi feels them staring. He expects they’ll protest, waits for it, but it never comes. Hange’s footsteps fade as they leave and Levi is left alone with his thoughts once again.
Hours pass before someone emerges from the door, and when they do, they look as exhausted as Levi feels. He survived, they say. It was very close.
They lead Levi down the hall as they recount the difficult surgery to close his wound.
“The cut was clean. As if he’d done himself, with intent.”
Levi feels nauseous as he imagines it; Erwin, dangling from the titan’s jaw with no means to escape, except to cut his arm completely off himself —
Stupid, stupid bastard.
“The Commander, however, did lose a lot of blood. Captain, I’m afraid he slipped into a coma during the surgery.”
What?
“He’s alive. When he’ll wake up, however, is yet to be determined.”
Oh.
“I see,” is all he can say.
“He’ll be monitored by the best nurses we have. We’ll relay any information about his condition directly to the Scouts head —“
“To me,” he interrupts. “If I am not here, any news will come straight to me. Don’t blink, or stop to piss. You will come find me, immediately. Is that understood?”
The doctor nods; Levi can see them shaking slightly. He doesn’t care. Let them be scared. Levi knows he’ll have to leave the hospital eventually, to help Hange, to delegate all the work that would otherwise fall on Erwin’s shoulders. That’s fine. He’ll handle it. Erwin will rest, and Levi will take care of everything, so that if he wakes — no, when he wakes, all he’ll have to worry about is recovering.
“Where is he now?”
He hasn’t entered the room yet. He can’t. Levi knows once he does, everything will change. Everything will be real. So he stands before the door, and counts his breaths, and he wishes, for one moment, that Erwin would wake up.
With a deep sigh, he turns the knob and slips in, silently shutting the door. Stare at the floor. Don’t look up. He does though, and for the second time that day, his heart stops. Erwin is still, oh so still, and pale — his hair lays limp across forehead, too messy for Levi’s liking. He’s pale, paler than Levi’s own skin that once never saw the sun. Were it not for the sweat that coats his skin and his chest rising with shallow breaths, Levi would have thought him dead.
He walks, or rather stumbles, to Erwin’s bedside. He finally allows himself to sit, for the first time in hours, in the chair next to his bed. His left side. His ankle cries in relief, but the pain continues to radiate throughout his leg. In the back of his mind, he knows he’s delayed his own recovery, but he couldn’t care less about it now.
It’s only been hours, but Erwin somehow looks so frail, so weak, a mere shadow of the man he was when he left on that damn recovery mission. Erwin’s been injured before, but nothing compared to a lost limb. Before, it was cuts Levi could suture, scrapes Levi could rub balm on, bones he could set and bruises he could kiss. They were wounds Levi could fix , but he cannot fix this, can he?
Levi takes Erwin’s remaining hand in between his own and brings it to his lips. He kisses each knuckle so gently, tasting salt and earth. He takes his time, mapping his palm with his mouth, worshiping his last five fingers with gentle pecks.
“You stupid, stupid bastard,” he mumbles against his skin.
He finally brings himself to look at the empty space where Erwin’s right arm should be. Even through the bandages, Levi can tell the cut was clean. Only our swords can slice through flesh with such precision. His eyes begin to burn and he fights himself not to envision Erwin freeing himself with his own blade. Did it hurt? He wonders. Did you feel it? Did it cross your mind that it all could have ended for you right there?
He should have been there. What's a fractured ankle compared to losing his arm? Levi would have seen the titan coming, he would have known , and he would have killed it before it could even get close to Erwin. Just as he always does. He curses himself for being so obedient.
“You’ll stay here,” Erwin says, with finality.
“You’ll need me. You know you will. It’s stupid to keep me here.” Levi can’t curb the ugly feeling in his chest. It feels as if all the horses in the Scouts Regiment are galloping within his insides.
“Of course we’ll need you, but I won’t risk you furthering your injury. If it worsens, it could ground you from expeditions for good. You’ll stay. That’s an order, Levi.” If Levi had eaten anything that morning, he might have thrown up right there. He sighs instead, every muscle in his body clenched up and tense.
“Yes sir.”
He can see the guilt in Erwin’s eyes, he knows he hates to pull his rank on him like this. Levi avoids his gaze and crosses his arm across his chest, shifts his weight a bit to lean on his good leg.
Erwin steps towards him, a sad smile on his face. He lifts his right hand to Levi’s cheek and cups it gently.
“Please, don’t sulk Levi. This is for the best.”
“I’m not sulking,” he scoffs back, but leans into the warmth of Erwin’s hand. He closes his eyes. “Just don’t die on me, okay?” He whispers, turning his head to kiss the scar across Erwin’s palm.
Erwin smiles softly, though he doesn’t respond. Levi knows he won’t speak promises he can’t keep. Instead, he runs his fingers through Levi’s hair, tilts his head back and captures his lips in a kiss. It’s quick, but still lasts long enough for Levi to commit the feeling to memory. He’s breathless when Erwin pulls away.
“Stay off that leg.”
“Tch’.”
Erwin kisses his forehead, and he’s gone, but the tension in Levi’s limbs remains.
It has been roughly six days since Erwin returned from the recovery mission, or so Levi thinks. He can’t be certain, but he counted six sunrises and five sunsets. At night, he counts Erwin’s breaths, and wonders how many times his chest will rise and fall before he wakes. It’s all he can do, once everyone has gone to sleep and the room is finally quiet. No interruptions, no unwanted visitors or doctors, only the night nurse who comes to check Erwin’s vitals and ensure his bandages haven’t bled through. Occasionally, someone will encourage Levi to sleep, and he’ll shrug an acknowledgment from his chair, in hopes they won’t badger him further. He’s not once closed his eyes though, and he won’t until Erwin’s eyes open.
Levi delegates the remaining post-mission work to the scouts and takes it upon himself to deal with the higher ups who keep insisting they see the Commander. No one comes past Levi though, only the nurses, doctors, and Hange. He rarely leaves Erwin’s side except to relieve himself or shower, and even then he delays those needs until he physically can’t. He names a new squad and becomes the main point of contact for the scouts while Hange is away on an investigative mission. All from Erwin’s bedside, because he can be nowhere else.
He’ll need a shave, he thinks as he strokes along Erwin’s jawline. The hair is dark and wiry and it prickles against Levi’s fingertips. He wonders if Erwin can grow a full beard and he tries to envision it. He’d look handsome, of course he would. In another life, one without titans or corrupt governments or walls, a beard might suit him. It doesn’t fit the ruthless Commander he has to be now, but, another time, in another world perhaps. Like the ones Erwin’s confessed he believes in. Levi can imagine it, dark blonde like his roots, with specks of gold and gray, surrounding a smile that’s warm and free. Unburdened. Yes. Levi would like to see that.
“Wake up, you bastard,” he mumbles as he watches his sixth sunset.
“Okay…”
Levi’s eyes widen and shift to find hazy blue staring back at him.
“Hi,” Erwin chokes out, his throat clogged and raspy. Levi jumps from his chair to retrieve the water pitcher and pours him a glass, relief flooding his body.
“Here, slowly now.” Gently, Levi lifts Erwins head up and brings the glass to his chapped lips.
“Thank you.” Erwin’s voice is rough, weak. Levi’s chest aches.
“How do you feel?” It’s a ridiculous question, but Erwin is awake and Levi feels as though he can breathe again. He helps Erwin to sit and props his back up with pillows, he fusses and adjusts them until he’s satisfied.
“I suppose I’ve been better,” Erwin says, eyeing his right side. “How long have I been here?”
“Almost a week.” Levi replies.
“I see.”
“You’re probably in pain. I should get the nurse.” Levi moves towards the door.
“Levi. Wait.”
He freezes.
“Stay.”
It’s not a command, but it feels like one. Still, Levi tries to resist.
“I should tell the doctors you’ve woken up.” It’s a lame excuse. He should be wrapped around Erwin, telling him he’s glad he’s alive and kissing every inch of him that’s still here, but his stomach bubbles with something he can’t name yet.
“In a moment. Please, Levi.”
Levi sighs knowingly. His strength lies in killing titans, not resisting Erwin. He walks back to the bed. Erwin pats the space next to him and Levi sinks his left hip onto the lumpy mattress, gaze lowered.
“I — everything’s been handled. The paperwork, the brass, the brats. All you need to worry about is —”
Erwin cuts him off, takes his hand in his remaining one. Levi stills.
“Levi. We’ll discuss it later. I’d like to just take a moment and sit here with you, before everything begins again.”
Levi nods, threads his fingers through Erwin’s like a tether, feels the pulse in his veins and the heat on his skin. Alive.
“How’s your leg?” Erwin asks, too casually for Levi’s liking.
“Tch’. S’fine. Still there.” It comes out bitter, and he means it as such, but Erwin doesn’t flinch. Instead, he caresses Levi’s hand with his thumb, rubs his pulse point as he studies him with tired eyes.
“You’re thin,” Erwin states.
“I’ve always been thin.” Levi rolls his eyes and shifts anxiously.
“Even more so.” He sounds miserable as he says it, eyes downcast.
Levi scoffs, gazes out the window. The sunset floods the room a tinted red. Erwins hand is warm and a bit sweaty, his fever lingering. Levi should really get the nurse, he thinks, or Erwin’s temperature might worsen or his stump could get infected or what if it already is? He feels his heartbeat quicken.
If the nurse comes, then so will the doctor, then surely Commander Pixis and the others will know he’s awake. Erwin is right, if Levi walks out that door, everything will begin again.
He wishes he could take Erwin somewhere where no one knows his name, and he could build them a house. They would have their horses, and he’d grow their food in the backyard. Levi could learn to cook, and he’d help Erwin button his shirts and keep his face shaved. He'd even take all of Erwin’s ridiculous books and stack them on shelves he’d build himself. He’d keep him far away, he’d keep him safe, and he’d keep him alive.
Erwin squeezes his wrist, thumb right over his pulse, and tugs him towards his chest, jostling him from his escalating thoughts. Levi’s eyes widen as he’s pulled into Erwin’s arm, forehead pushed flush against his chest, just below his heart. He feels Erwin’s hand rest on his nape, squeezing gently, and Levi’s eyes begin to burn. He fists his left hand into Erwin’s shirt, a thumping nausea building in his belly.
“The brats said you didn’t flinch. Your arm was in a titan’s jaws and they said you ordered them to keep going.” He’s clenching his jaw so hard it’s painful.
“Yes.”
Levi swallows.
“You didn’t flinch.”
Erwin’s grip on his neck tightens. “No.”
“A titan took your arm… and you didn’t flinch.”
“Levi…” Erwin’s breath is hot in his hair.
“Stupid,” he chokes out. “You’re so goddamn stupid.” His voice is wet, pitch higher than normal, airy and panicked in his throat.
“I’m sorry, Levi.”
“No you’re not.” He tightens his grip on Erwin’s shirt, knuckles white. “Next time you’ll let them take your leg. Or maybe your other arm. Hell, why not both legs? Might as well, right?!”
Erwin’s hand remains on his nape and Levi feels his chest rise and fall beneath his fist. “You can’t even say anything, because I’m right,” he mutters, defeated.
“Levi, you’re exhausted. You need to rest.”
“I’m right aren’t I?!” He pulls himself away, eyes burning, finds Erwins gaze and stares into faded and dull blue. Erwin says nothing. There’s nothing he can say, and they both know it.
“They’ll take it all. Piece by piece. Until there’s nothing left,” Levi whispers as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat.
“I’m here now.”
Levi breathes out, exhaustion seeping into his muscles, causing them to ache and grow heavy. The fire burns out in his eyes and he is so very tired. You’re here now . It’s enough, and it’s not, but Levi knows, that’s all he’ll get. He releases his grip, his hand tingling as he smooths out the wrinkles he made in his shirt. Erwin’s hand finds his cheek and strokes under his eye with his thumb. His head feels so heavy, he can’t help but lean into it.
“Close your eyes for a bit, Levi. Please.”
“Erwin…” he starts, but he’s quickly cut off.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Erwin kisses his forehead and then his lips. Levi sighs into it, chases the taste and slips his tongue in just enough to take it back with him. He scoots back to lower his head into Erwin’s lap and curls his body around his legs. Erwin strokes his hair, and lets his own weight sink back into the pillows.
“I should’ve been there,” Levi whispers, hoping Erwin doesn’t hear.
“Close your eyes, love. I’ll be here when you wake.”
“You better be.”
Levi finds Erwin’s hand, kisses it sweetly and then nuzzles against it as a child would their stuffed toy. He kisses Erwin’s pulse and finally allows his eyes to close. When he wakes, the endless cycle will continue until the day death finally claims him.
For now though, Erwin is alive, and that’s enough.
So, Levi sleeps, and dreams of another life.