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He always thought that he looked best surrounded by flowers and pale moonlight.
Pretty pink petals rained down like snow, catching in his hair and making him look ethereal in the silver glow of the late April night. The way the moon reflected so softly in his wine red orbs was enough to take even the most sane man’s breath away. He watched a petal land perfectly on the tip of his nose as he had stopped to admire a particularly tall sakura tree, and laughed as he angrily shook his head, petals cascading from his perm towards the path.
He wasn’t the demon everyone thought he was; in Tatsuma’s mind he was something more like an angel.
The last time he’d seen sakura season would have been over a decade ago. Not that there had been much time to enjoy the beauty of flowers when every day was filled with blood, injury and death. Even the most potent of sakura fragrances wasn’t enough to cleanse your nostrils of the overwhelming stench of war. But he remembered, even back then, being absolutely enamoured at the way his friend looked so effortlessly gorgeous when backdropped with the soft pinks and whites of the petals, even when he was covered in a filthy layer of blood and grime and smelled as horrible as he felt. It was enough even back then to take his breath away, without really knowing why.
Sakura was stunning, but back then and now, what was more stunning to look at was the guy walking in perfect step with him, nonchalantly, blissfully unaware of how encapsulated his companion was by the absolute beauty of him.
Edo normally came alive during this season, but tonight it was just the two of them, walking silently, feeling no need to fill the silence with idle chatter or banter, a rarity for them both, the brunette normally so talkative and the silver normally so quick to fire back a quick-witted response pulled from god knows where in the depths of that brain of his. They had not seen another soul for what felt like hours, and Tatsuma could have easily never seen another soul ever again, if it meant he could experience this scene for just another half an hour.
He was taken aback by just how calm Gintoki looked, meandering through the trees beside him. He looked, for probably the first time in the decade they knew each other, truly at peace. Sure, he was probably still fighting his inner demons, presumably plagued by nightmares and pains of old scars as they all were, but on the outside at least, he looked truly happy. Maybe he even imagined the shadow of a smile fall across his face as he abruptly stopped and turned his crimson orbs to the night sky, studying the moon as if he had never seen it before, eyes ghosting over the stars serenely.
The sky was gorgeous, but the man captivated by the sky was simply stunning.
If his love was unrequited, maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe all he truly wanted in life was for his friend to find peace.
“Was it what you imagined?” spoke the silver-haired quietly, breaking the silence for the first time in however long. “Space?”
He was slightly taken aback by the odd timing of the question. He never truly understood what went on Gintoki’s brain and he never pretended he ever would. Tatsuma knew that he was a deeper thinker than he cared to let on, not that he would ever let anyone past his facade of sarcasm and dry humour enough to find out. He had tried as he might to chip away at the impenetrable wall he had built around his mind and heart for the best part of the ten plus years they had known each other, with no success. Maybe one day Gintoki would erect a small enough door for him to crawl inside and see just a peak, a glimpse into his mind. But for now, he would have to relent and only imagine what went on inside. It was fine. It really was fine.
“Hm, what brought that on?” he replied, studying his side profile watching another magenta petal settle itself between two particular tight curls. He fought the urge to reach out and touch it. Gintoki seemed either unbothered by it, or had failed to notice the sakura snowing onto him once again. He kept his eyes trained on the night sky, frowning slightly, deep in thought about something or another Tatsuma would never know or understand.
“I’m just curious.”
“Finally regrettin’ your decision not to come with me?”
Gintoki tore his eyes away from the sky and locked his eyes with Tatsuma’s own. For all the flack Gintoki got for his dead-fish, demon's eyes, he thought they were the most beautiful colour and shape he had ever seen. He scoffed and scratched the back of his neck.
“You know I couldn’t.”
“I’m jus’ teasin’ ya.”
“Idiot.”
“Ahaha, bastard.”
Gintoki laughed, a rare enough sound in its own right, but given their environment it was almost like an orchestra of a thousand perfect musicians was playing the sound directly into his brain and blessing his ears with holy music. He wanted him to laugh more. He wanted to hear him make that sound again and again. He wanted to see him doubled over in fits of laughing, tears rolled down his pale, flushed cheeks and he was unable to properly catch his breath and he was making stupid wheezing noises just trying to breathe through the hilarity.
“Stop avoiding my question Tatsuma. Is space what you imagined?”
Tatsuma shrugged slightly, still reeling a little from the sound of Gintoki’s laugh, but managed to pull his infatuated brain together for just a moment enough to make a coherent response that appeased the other man.
“Yes ‘nd no. Can get kinda lonely sometimes, but I have good people workin’ for me ‘nd I get to see parts of the universe no one I know has ever seen. So yeah, I guess it’s what I ‘magined.”
Gintoki smiled softly, turning his gaze back up towards the sky, tilting his head back to look at a particularly bright star directly above his head, pale skin on his throat taught and glowing.
“The more I think about it,” he smiled, voice soft and sugary and worming itself way right into Tatsuma’s heart at overwhelming speeds, “I never really could imagine you making a life for yourself on Earth.”
He tore his eyes quickly from the sky and approached Tatsuma slowly. The slight height advantage Tatsuma had over his friend meant his eyes were obscured mostly by his bangs, but there was a sparkle in his eyes, whether imagined or a reflection from the moonlight he didn’t consider, merely observing it as if he would never see it ever again. If he blinked or looked away, that apathetic expression he had come to know and in a way admire, would return and that softness would never be seen again.
“You,” Gintoki continued, flicking him slightly between his brows, eliciting a small yelp from the taller man and a slight snicker from the shorter. Always a sadistic bastard, no matter how pretty. “You were always a spacey idiot. At least when you’re up there you are where you belong.”
“Aha, would it kill ya to pay me a real compliment once in a while?” Tatsuma grumbled, the point where Gintoki’s finger flicked his forehead burning simultaneously in pain and heat from the touch.
Gintoki grinned a little sadistically, stepping away and continued walking through the arches of sakura trees. Tatsuma watched him go, admiring how effortlessly alluring he looked even doing something as simple as walking, even when surrounded by arguably the most beautiful flowers in the known universe.
Below the layers of that ridiculous outfit he knew there was a body littered with scars and marks, every single one telling a tale in their own right. There were likely so many by now that Gintoki probably barely remembered how he got most of them. He wondered if he was self conscious about them? He wondered if he was proud of them even. Tatsuma considered his own scars. To him, scars told a story that proved that a person had lived and overcome adversity. Paint splashed across a blank canvas articulating an artist’s narrative in a way that words couldn't.
He must have seen him naked a hundred times during the war, hell, they had probably even drunkenly slept together in the past, not that he could recall. But he wanted to remember. He wondered if his lips would taste as sweet and sugary as those parfaits he so loved. He wondered exactly what those planes of muscles felt like under his hands. He wondered if he would bend to Tatsuma’s will or Tatsuma would bend to his. He wanted so badly to know what noises he could get Gintoki to make, and what noises Gintoki could get him to make. He wanted all of him in his hands, and he wanted all of himself in Gintoki’s. Only for each other, even just once.
Maybe one day he would tell him how he felt. Maybe one day he would tell him that he thought everything he did was engaging and effortless and captivating and he had been in love with him since probably the first week they met. Maybe one day he would tell him that asking him to come to space with him all those years ago was something akin to a love confession, the best his heart could muster at the time. Maybe even one day, his feelings would be returned.
He reached out a hand in front of him towards the white yukata clad back, and closed it around the air. He had to be reasonable. His head was in the clouds while Gintoki’s was firmly down to earth. They lead lives about as different as two people could get. He could go a year without even visiting Edo. It was unreasonable to ask someone to wait around for him for a whole year, only for him to be able to stick around for a handful of days, before jetting back to places unknown with no known return date. It was cruel in fact. As cruel as the unrequited crush was to his own heart. Gintoki deserved someone close by that he could rely on and see whenever he wanted. Tatsuma may or may not find someone eventually. If not, he guessed that was his atonement for living a carefree life in the clouds.
For now, he supposed, he was content just to watch him silhouetted by the silvery moonlight and the soft pink and white sakura of Edo’s spring. For now he would keep his feelings to himself, his heart locked safely away in a cage, until he could find the key to unlock and spill for everything he had kept inside for a decade. Maybe then, he could even start finding a way to move on.
For now, Sakamoto Tatsuma was just happy to see his friend smiling, alive, and free.