Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Sometimes I have nightmares,” Kakashi says, with a calm voice and motionless hands.

He prefers the word “sometimes” in order to avoid saying “always”. The state of his mental health and emotions are not his subordinate’s business. The fact that he has been having nightmares every night for the last two years (each one a little similar and a little distinct from the others) should not matter to anyone in the world. Not even him.

Gai throws off his sheet. The futons atop rocky ground are uncomfortable no matter how careful you are, but Gai is foolish and energetic even in something as simple as this. And that’s what makes him different from the rest of Kakashi’s subordinates—Gai has even placed his futon next to his.

“I agree,” Gai nods and smiles. The bandana he wears on his neck is now twisted around his left bicep and he aimlessly wipes his sweat with it before going back to work, straightening the blankets on the ground.

“And… you’re really close to me,” Kakashi clears his throat and shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t want to wake you up if we’re so close.”

Kakashi doesn’t point the beds, but he imagines pointing his finger in the other direction and indicating Gai should move. The man doesn’t seem to understand discomfort. Actually, that isn’t surprising for Kakashi considering that all the years that he’s known him, but it is the first long mission they’ve had together and he is sometimes a little embarrassed for Gai to see him have a nocturnal crisis just because of a dream.

He is different from the rest of the members of the squad. They always escape off on their own to sleep, as far away from Kakashi as possible.

And not because Gai’s opinion matters to Kakashi. Just, it’s complicated.

“Ah, I’m completely sure that won’t happen, Kakashi.” Gai smiles and again wipes the skin of his left arm sticking out from the bandana on his face, rubbing the puddles of glistening sweat. “Also, it’s better for our mission to stay as close as we can, that way no one can catch us off guard!”

Gai’s thumb glistens. However, Kakashi knows that they are on the exact opposite side of their enemies and the only thing that can attack them right now are just insects. But he doesn’t contradict Gai. He doesn’t want to start an argument.

“Fine.” His shoulders shrug. He thinks Gai will regret it when Kakashi wakes him up in the early morning hours, but Kakashi warned him, so there’s no way he is going to apologize.

Gai settles in his own futon and extends his arms like a starfish before wrapping himself in his blanket and turning to look at Kakashi even if he is lying down with his eyes on the sky with the sheet pulled up to his chin.

“I’m already eager for our battle!” Gai’s voice is thick, the type of sound that is impossible not to hear, and he turns on his pillow to look at Kakashi. “I’m so excited that I will even dream that we are in combat with the enemy!”

“Mnh?” Kakashi blinks, feeling the exhaustion of their journey cause a gentle sting on his skin. “You have dreams like that?”

Kakashi doesn’t ask because it matters to him. It’s just a question like any other and he is convinced that this is the kind of information they must share as teammates even if a part of him knows it’s not.

“I have all kinds of dreams,” Gai nods. He takes a breath with a nasal sound in a voice strangely pitched between childish and masculine that makes him sound funny. “Sometimes I dream that I am fighting enormous beasts in an amazing battles, sometimes I just have tranquil dreams.”

Kakashi asks himself what kind of “tranquility” Gai is referring to, considering how hyperactive he is, but his lips remain tight beneath his mask.

He’s already forgotten what it’s like to have a different dream, one that isn’t so painful. Anything is better than dreaming again that his hand is going through Rin’s chest. With Obito and the stone. With Minato.

“Fine.” Kakashi doesn’t respond to the conversation and Gai doesn’t even press him.

Gai can probably guess what he dreams. Gai isn’t stupid, and in addition, he doesn’t resemble the same naive boy even if it’s easy to think the opposite when he apparently runs screaming all around the village.

Gai has matured, more or less. Enough that Kakashi can feel calm on a joint mission with him, enough so that Gai doesn’t act impulsive like an eager genin. Now he is almost a man. Or at least he is an adolescent with a deep voice even if he hasn’t been for long.

Even if he could be a little more chivalrous,  in addition to all his human qualities. And to Kakashi, who never feels emotionally available, Gai means a little relief.

“Do you want to hear about one of my dreams?” Gai maintains a high voice, but since he can break anyone that crosses him with his bare hands, he obviously isn’t afraid to stand out. He’s exactly like a roaring lion in front of the rest of the insignificant beasts.

“Mm-mmh,” Kakashi hums. It can be a yes or a no. And even now, a humorous part of him is a little bit skeptical about the idea that Gai will ever fall asleep.

Gai talked the entire way here, and he also spoke every time they encountered a village or a fight. Kakashi has never seen Gai sleep and he wonders if there is anything he can do to make him stay quiet for more than an hour at a time.

“Well, then.” Obviously Gai has taken his response as a yes.

And Kakashi nods and closes his eyes, although with a kind gesture of concentration that makes Gai drag himself a little closer as if being less than two inches away from him is too far away.

His sheet is resting on Kakashi’s, and though just a corner it’s enough to make him feel Gai’s heat and for the slightly-sweet odor of Gai’s sweat to hit him in the nose in a way that actually makes him loosen his fists into a more comfortable position.

“This is a grandiose dream that I had last week, Rival. I would be very happy if you could see it like I do!”

Kakashi laughs between his teeth. Dreams aren’t a movie that other people can simply put in front of their nose, but the invitation pleases him, and the familiarity of the words makes him relax the rest of his extremities when Gai begins his story.

It’s a good story, though long, and Kakashi can imagine the things Gai describes, looking behind his eyelids at the first scene, where Gai fights against monsters, with his hitae-ate on his forehead and his father’s bandana tied around one of his biceps the way he wears it lately to show off his physique because the small scrap of fabric can’t cover the muscle completely, much like one of his sleeveless jumpsuits that now only hits mid-calf underneath his weighted leg warmers.

In general, Kakashi never talks with his subordinates before sleeping. Or with anyone. Not since his father.

Gai’s voice coos in a way that Kakashi can’t explain even if someone else asked him to. And after a while, his brain converts Gai’s story into a fluctuating sound more than words, lulling him to sleep somewhere around the radiant fists of youth and springtime.

He doesn’t know if it’s because of Gai’s dream, or when he falls quiet or falls asleep. But to Kakashi, it seems like he could keep listening to Gai talk all night long.

Kakashi is a little surprised when he opens his eyes in the morning. He had expected to wake up at any moment during the night with a scream, sweating from his terrifying dreams while covering his face so Gai couldn’t see him cry.

But Kakashi wakes up at exactly 6 am, opening his eyes when the sun rises and the wild animals have become too noisy.

Gai is already up in front of their little campsite. His face is lightly coated with sweat thanks to his morning exercises. And Kakashi, who is practically an ice popsicle, melts a little bit when Gai adjusts his hitae-ate on his head again, a little disgusted that he can no longer tie it around his waist which has thickened from the testosterone that makes his body a little bigger every day.

Kakashi didn’t see him sleep, but judging by the leaves stuck in his hair and the line of dirt on his cheek, he can guess that at some moment he simply threw away the pillow and fell asleep with his head directly on the ground. Presumably drooling on Kakashi’s pillow instead.

“Good morning, my Eternal and beloved Rival!” Gai greets him energetically, scaring away the sounds of the lesser beasts with his voice.

Obviously, nothing he could do would stand out more than Gai, even in a noisy and green landscape. As far as Kakashi is concerned, it appears that this early-morning speech is just a continuation of what Gai dreamed.

Fortunately, he doesn’t have any of his friend’s blood on him, but rather something better, something gentle and loud that is affixed to the back of his head like a sticker.

After a quick breakfast together, they pack their things, and Kakashi delays a couple of minutes more to convince himself that he truly hasn’t had a nightmare for the first time in two years. As if from now on, his nightmares can truly be “sometimes”, and for some reason, he has been cured of his nocturnal terrors.

Which honestly doesn’t seem real. In any case, it is a big improvement. He’s always trying to maintain hope that the nightmares will eventually fade away even if a part of himself keeps reiterating that he doesn’t deserve tranquil sleep after all his sins. He can’t sleep well while Obito and Rin remain dead. Kakashi should not forget them, not even when he is sleeping, because all those accidents had been his fault.

However, Kakashi laughs the whole way at each silly thing Gai says, teasing him with a huge laugh when Gai crashes into a tree branch in the middle of an ultra-dynamic jump that goes disastrously wrong.

After two years dreaming about death and his old team, a tranquil night feels like a taking a breath of fresh air after having had his head held underwater. He can open his eyes to the world outside his head for a few moments. And Kakashi hopes that he maintain his good mood long enough for Gai’s presence to keep making him laugh instead of causing a headache like it usually does.

They eventually arrive at a village when they will pick up classified information for their mission, and Kakashi rents two tiny rooms in a traditional inn where they will sleep on a wooden floor, much more comfortable than the outdoors because at least the roof will keep out the mosquitos.

“Well then, I’ll see you in the morning.” Kakashi sights from the shoji door that separates their two small rooms, glancing Gai’s bed which this time seems to be a little messier than it was in the woods.

“Sure, Rival. I hope that you have a beautiful night full of healthy dreams!” Gai lifts his thumb. Obviously, Kakashi hadn’t told him anything about his good dream last night, but probably Gai is skilled enough to assume so.

“Well.” Kakashi nods. His own bed is lying in the middle of the room on the left and almost produces a feeling of longing. “I hope you sleep well too.”

His farewell is brief and Kakashi pulls the shoji door shut, still looking at Gai’s silhouette behind the paper washi like an enormous shadow and the square slides back and forth a couple of times before he lies down to sleep.

Kakashi also lies down to sleep, with a feeling of tranquility tickling the surface of his skin before the cold sheets of his futon rake across his body and make him close his eyes.

Even if Kakashi can’t see Gai sleep, he is surprised by the silence in the next room, as if there is no one on the other side of the door.

Kakashi has a terrible dream. He dreams of killing Rin at the beginning, then he dreams of having put the rock on top of Obito’s body himself, ending with him tricking the nine-tailed fox into killing Minato and Kushina with his Sharingan.

It’s a frightening dream. So, so terrible. And Kakashi cries into his pillow when the guilt doesn’t dissipate at dawn. And what’s even worse is that after having seen his entire team die again, he has another dream about having caused his father’s death.

He’s been blamed for all these things after they happened, sure, but the dreams are always so different from reality. In a way, worse. And Kakashi wipes his eyes and washes the tears off his face before he can face Gai on the hotel patio.

“Kakashi! How are you on this new and resplendent day?” Gai’s hair is perfectly straight, and his headband is tied around his forehead in a way that calls attention to his eyes, which normally make Kakashi’s glance linger a couple of seconds too long in order to sigh.

But Kakashi still has painful goosebumps from his too-fresh nightmares and he only shrugs his shoulders.

“Fine.”

Gai knows, of course, that he isn’t fine. And his warm hand pats Kakashi on the back before smiling and posing as if all of this will help minimize his constant guilt.

They carry the secret information to the other side of the small village. And this time, Kakashi barely talks. He doesn’t even laugh when Gai makes stupid comments and his head aches when the night arrives and they end up in the next checkpoint in the middle of Land of Fire territory.

Kakashi would like to ask for distance when Gai arranges his futon right alongside him, but he would still hear the guilt in the form of the voices of people he let die and they remain quiet, incapable even if he sleeps in a tree in his typical cool and hip pose that constantly hides his bad mood.

“Well, everything is ready, Rival!” Gai jumps when he is done arranging the blankets, lying back on his futon in his typical starfish pose before turning to twist the sheets around him again.

Kakashi doesn’t want to sleep. Thinking about his previous nightmare has made him consider the possibility of having one that’s even worse, as if this is a punishment for having rested properly for once in the enormous punishment that is his life.

But Kakashi is a shinobi before anything else. Not sleeping won’t make him incompetent and an impediment to the mission. The last thing Gai needs is a tired deadweight who can’t take care of himself and Kakashi lies down on his own futon after neatly taking off his sandals.

Gai is already looking at him with eyes shining as brightly as if looking at Kakashi is more interesting that watching the constellations in the sky.

“Kakashi,” Gai whispers. Or at least he makes a good attempt at it.

There’s an enormous swarm of mosquitos over his head, but Gai removes his arms from the covers and lifts one of his hands to scratch his forehead anyway. The bandana is tied to his left bicep today, and just for an instant Kakashi looks at the shape of muscle bound by the fabric bulging at the edges before turning to look in Gai’s eyes.

“Mnh?”

“It’s terrible to have nightmares. I’m really sorry.”

Kakashi shakes his head. There is no blaming anyone for this. And if Kakashi has to be mad at someone, it will be himself for not having done the right thing when he had the opportunity to save everyone.

“What do you have to say about that?” Gai blinks. “Talking about difficult things can help you to understand them and even help make you feel better.”

Kakashi shakes his head in a denial. He isn’t going to gain anything from telling Gai his regrets in the form of dreams.

“I’m fine like this,” Kakashi says, very quietly. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s not real.”

Gai gasps. Then, he rolls from his futon to his feet with all his strength until he nearly collides with Kakashi, pushing down his sheets in a way that leaves no space between them.

“Kakashi, what matters about dreams is not what we dream, but the things that we feel in our dreams. Those feelings are absolutely real!”

Gai’s eyebrows fall in an expression of worry. And something inside Kakashi’s head knows well enough that this is the truth, but that doesn’t mean he can simply say the terrible things he has done aloud, and he cannot get over it, not even in the two years since the last death.

Gai exhales from his nose like an angry buffalo then sighs deeply to calm his emotion and blinks again. His eyelashes are long like Dai’s, with an upward curve, but Gai had never grown a beard or as much hair as his father is a detail that matters a lot. At least for Kakashi. Or else he’s been looking into Gai’s eyes for too long.

“Mnh, I’m fine.”

There’s a little bit of disappointment in Gai’s face due to Kakashi’s way of evading the question, but it only lasts for a couple of seconds before he is full of enthusiasm again.

“Yes, introspection and reflection are wonderful too!” Gai says, hunching his shoulders again in order to shoo away the insects so abruptly that, strangely, Kakashi immediately misses the sight of his body.

Soon, the bandana that Gai wears because it reminds him of Dai will be too small to be tied anywhere. And soon Gai will have to think about a new design for his jumpsuits that cover a little bit more skin.

It’s not that Kakashi is disgusted by the idea of seeing more of how the years have blessed Gai and made his entire body grow. But he would prefer that other people didn’t. Gai trusts people too much and it would be better for him to cover himself a little more (even better, it will make it so Kakashi won’t have to grind his teeth as much when people look in their directly solely because Gai is wearing a tiny, semi-transparent jumpsuit.)

“In that case, my dear Rival,” Gai clears his throat, making Kakashi forget his anger every time someone notes how much Gai has grown (he must not be in his right mind), “you want to hear about my youthful and intrepid mission in Suna?”

Gai’s eyes shine, full of a dramatic light. Apparently, he is not going to let go of an opportunity to have an animated conversation with Kakashi with the obvious intention of distracting him so that he will not think about his terrifying nightmares. Substitute the negative for the positive. Gai says that a lot. And Kakashi simply sighs and closes his eyes.

“Fine. I suppose it’s something really easy.”

Kakashi’s words are just a game to make Gai nervous and he laughs between his teeth when he hears Gai gasp in an exaggerated offense, losing the main point of the conversation simply because of the cool and hip attitude Kakashi gives off.

“Argh, of course it wasn’t! The missions that I have are always super amazing, Rival, worthy of a shinobi as strong as the Blue Beast of Konoha!”

Gai pointed at his chest under the blanket. And his elbow is tenting the covers when Kakashi opens an eye to give him an incredulous look.

“In that case, I suppose I can listen,” Kakashi says and rolls his eyes until they’re completely white. Now that Gai had mentioned it, maybe he is a little curious about his story.

“Well then! Then listen closely, my eternal and most precious Rival, this mission was extraordinary!”

Kakashi’s eyes close again but he hums an affirmation each time Gai makes a dramatic and interesting pause, which makes him imagine a totally simple mission as vividly as the plot of the best book Kakashi has ever read.

Once more, Kakashi falls asleep before Gai finishes the story. The ache in his head isn’t bothered by Gai’s loud voice, and he doesn’t sleep because he’s bored, nor even because of tiredness, but because of the way Gai’s voice repeatedly rises and falls beside him.

Kakashi’s dream is unexpectedly calming. Phenomenal, in a word probably inspired by the way Gai talks.

His eyes open at dawn and all Kakashi can do is smile. It’s stupid because he can’t remember his dream, at least nowhere near the detail of his nightmares, but he is sure that they were loud and excessively bright, with colors nothing like blood or the color of Rin’s hair, which he is always seeing in the village.

“Good morning, my dear and fabulous Rival!” Gai shouts, doing exercise with a hand in a maniacal exercise session while Kakashi fights to keep his eyes open like a newborn puppy. “Is it not a marvelous morning?”

Gai winks and signals at the sun, but Kakashi finds it more interesting to look at Gai’s bandana tied around the bronze skin of his forearm this time.

“Mnh, I guess.”

Kakashi is a little dizzy with calm when he stands up, an for some reason it seems to make him more dizzy when Gai pushes him up to the trees to continue on his mission, talking in a way that Kakashi associates with his peaceful dream once more.

It’s either madness, or nonsense, in better words, but it is as if Gai has been able to enter his dreams and fight all his enemies. Gai’s fists have crossed over into the dream world and fought back Kakashi’s feelings of guilt by himself. Gai has protected him in the only place he is vulnerable. Well, it could be that Kakashi is exaggerating a little. Gai’s fantastical stories must be affecting his brain.

Anyway, not all of these cheesy thoughts can be lies, and Kakashi saves his doubts for later, paying attention to the things Gai says and pretends not be laughing when Gai’s face turns red with anger.

Gai has an extremely easy system for expressing his emotions, after all. But it’s so easy to anger him and make him lose the thread of his silly conversation, just as easy as it is to make him happy by accepting one of his challengers and they have a race to the second point of contact, fighting against skinny chuunin and rebels that Gai stops with one hand while Kakashi yawns and pretends to read his new copy of Icha-Icha.

The next scroll is delivered safely to a religious temple and together they change course towards the woods again, having another contest which Kakashi loses by taking too long to catch a fish for dinner because Gai’s jumpsuit is wet and Kakashi almost chokes on his breath, turning purple when he remembers the interested looks other people in Konoha give Gai, suddenly annoyed that is is so easy to see underneath Gai’s jumpsuit just from swimming in the water.

But Kakashi doesn’t mention it. Only he and the fish can see it anyway, so he laughs at Gai’s nonsense while he steals a couple of glances at Gai’s clothing when he’s distracted enough.

Later, they camp together and roll out their futons a few meters away from the stream. Obviously, Gai appears to be completely in agreement to sleep together, even if he opens his mouth and watches in silence when Kakashi places his futon a little too close to Gai’s, their pillows practically overlapping with each other as if this were one bed, not two.

Kakashi has a theory that he needs to test, and he repeats to himself that sleeping so close has nothing to do with the way that he sometimes pines for Gai, but rather because of the strange end to his nightmares.

“Well then, sleep,” Kakashi says when he lies on his futon, ignoring the stupid and incredulous way Gai keeps looking at him like he can’t believe it.

There are a few passionate tears and his lips tremble as if he were about to say something dramatic, but Gai just swallows his snot and lifts a fist, smiling with emotion before lying down his typical starfish pose and then rolls over on the blankets.

This time, they’re much closer than before, and Gai’s knees collide with Kakashi’s legs from the dramatic turn in his direction. And fortunately, both of them look very comfortable with the close contact. Gai’s arms are also touching his shoulder when Kakashi looks to his right, all he sees is Gai’s constellation.

“Sure, Kakashi, I hope you also have a marvelous night tonight,” Gai says encouragingly. Kakashi, for his part, sighs and shrugs his shoulders.

Apparently, the two nights of tranquil sleep had one thing in common, and Kakashi wonders if Gai’s presence could really have something to do with it. It might be his reassuring warmth, or maybe his presence burning Kakashi’s skin, but all the same, it could be these strange late night conversations.

“Maa, go to sleep already.” Kakashi’s tone is flat. But at the same time, he flashes a brief smile that shocks Gai with the boredom in his voice. “But if I’m being honest, I shouldn’t even be complaining.”

His shoulders shrink a bit. Then, he looks at the stars because Gai’s constellation is too bright and also he appears pretty worried about Kakashi’s mental and emotional state. Which has never mattered to anyone else in the village.

“We all lose people, I’m not the only one who can complain about that.”

Gai pushes his arms around Kakashi’s shoulders, and his legs swing to one side, as if he wants to wake Kakashi from the terrible nightmare in which he’s being buried right now. Only this isn’t a dream. Real life hurts too, most of the time. And the push Gai gives him only makes him look into Kakashi’s eyes with his brows knit together.

“Kakashi, you can’t seriously be saying that!” Gai shakes his head again. And his hands pass beneath the sheets until his fingers wrap around Kakashi’s biceps. He is very warm. And Kakashi’s skin starts burning.

“Why not?” Kakashi raises an eyebrow ironically. However, Gai, who takes everything at face value with all his heart, takes his question seriously.

“Just because it’s happened to other people, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to be afraid or frightened!” Gai’s teeth click together. It seems that he is trying to express what’s in his head and arrange them into inspiring words full of emotion. And the unnecessary effort that he’s put into encouraging Kakashi is quite a nice gesture. “Other people’s strength or weakness is not a justification to ignore how you feel. If it still hurts… that means that it still matters to your heart!”

Gai’s hand dares to touch Kakashi’s chest. His fingers are firm and warm. Kakashi’s heart thumps beneath his palm and it seems to stop when the electricity of the contact makes him nervous.

But Gai doesn’t take away his fingers. No, of course not. Gai only tasks risks when he is sure the chances are in his favor, and his fingers press against Kakashi’s heart and across his skin and his ribs.

“And I… I am absolutely interested in what your heart feels!”

Kakashi’s brow arches. There’s a little bit of amusement in his gaze when he turns to look at Gai, but more than anything his eye narrows into a slit of indifference in an attempt to minimize his surprise in the matter. “Maa, maa, then I suppose you like boring stories.”

“Kakashi, the beautiful feelings in your heart are not boring!” Gai pouts. And it seems like a good moment to get away from his hand, but his fingers wrap around the cloth of Kakashi’s shirt. “Tonight should be yours to tell a valiant story from your past.”

At that instant, it occurs to Kakashi to tell the story of the day he and Gai competed as rivals for the first time. The day his father took him to the park. Or the time that Obito and Gai didn’t stop arguing until Rin had to take Obito away in order to avoid more problems. But Kakashi remains quiet. As hard as he tries, he doesn’t have the ability to tell stories like Gai.

“I don’t have any.” Kakashi squints his eye, taking advantage of the movement to get as close to Gai as he can without making it totally weird. “I think I prefer to listen to you.”

Gai sucks in a deep breath. His lips press into a line and he appears to want to insist that Kakashi open his heart and express his feelings, but Gai doesn’t do anything he can’t take back, and asking for something like that from Kakashi is far too much. At least for now.

He knows Gai will insist and he will remain for as long as it takes until Kakashi feels comfortable. Even if it takes years.

“In that case, I will tell you a fantastic story about the a mission from when I was a genin!”

Kakashi hums in his throat. A story about genin might not have so many battles, but that just means it could be funny.

“Fine. But only if Ebisu and Genma fail.”

Offended, Gai snaps to defend the dignity of his friends, but a second later he smiles and breaks the eye contact in a gesture that tries to hide his amusement. And it’s true, Genma and Ebisu really did mess up on that mission.

“In any case, Rival,” his voice falls again, but he keeps his hand tight on Kakashi’s chest, “this is an amazing story.”

Beneath the mask, Kakashi laughs. Then, his eyes close again in a gesture of relaxation, as he starts listening to Gai’s story while also following the rhythm of his heart, trapped comfortably beneath Gai’s palm.

Kakashi falls asleep just after the funny part. He dreams that he is lying down on top of an enormous bear, wrapping him in its big and hairy arms while it roars right next to him.

Kakashi’s theory seems true in the morning. His dreams were completely peaceful and his hand is already pressed against Gai’s on his chest in a way that could be similar to desperation. Or probably, something more personal. Something like belonging.

Gai is awake next to him. He looks like he has spent a long time watching Kakashi sleep. And Kakashi smiles a bit when Gai smiles and tightens the grip of his hand against Kakashi’s heart.

Probably he woke up before dawn, but he was considerate enough not to have moved, with his only objective not to wake Kakashi, keeping their hands together even after the brilliant and noisy dawn.

“Good morning, my dear Rival, did you have a good dream?” Gai raises his eyebrows. His hand is hot in Kakashi’s hand and Kakashi caresses it a bit while floating in a dreamlike confusion.

“Mnh, something about giant bears.” It’s the first time Kakashi has talked about a dream aloud… in years and years and years. He feels weird. Extraordinary. And his smile only grows bigger when Gai whines emotionally into the pillow.

“That is a touching and marvelous dream. Bears are incredible animals!”

Kakashi murmurs a yes. And even if he really, really wants to spend more time just like as they are, they already have a mission to do.

Gai knows perfectly well that he has responsibilities, and after another brief squeeze, he releases Kakashi and rolls from the bed, getting up with so much energy that he cracks the ground and frightens the birds from their nests.

“To celebrate, we should have a challenge!”

Kakashi snarls in a way quite similar to the roar of the bear he dreamed about. Though, thinking a little bit more now that he is awake, it could also be human snores.

“Another race to the checkpoint?” His question sounds annoyed and he rubs the back of his hand against his eyes. Anything that will help him hide his interest when Gai ties his dad’s bandana around his left arm in a way that highlights all the veins on his hand. Kakashi’s imagination gets spicier every day, and it only gets worse when he sees him entering maturity so overwhelmingly. It will soon be impossible to concentrate on something that isn’t absolutely perverted.

“Actually,” Gai sighs and grabs his attention, “I’m thinking about a fantastic way to stop more enemies than last time.”

Kakashi whistles. Today is his last stop for the final information about Konoha’s neighboring villages. It’s totally likely for them to have an encounter with some rebels. And after that, it will take two days to get back home.

“Fine.”

Together they pack and climb up into the trees, eating food pills for breakfast while Gai chatters enthusiastically and Kakashi chooses between laughing or making him mad with a joke about not paying attention.

They arrive at the checkpoint after noon. And just as Kakashi predicted, the final road is full of rebels that attack them from all sides.

Too bad for them that Kakashi and Gai are a great team.

Gai is also a total beast. And Kakashi almost feels bad for the idiots who have the balls to throw themselves at him with just their fists.

Unlike Gai, Kakashi doesn’t give everything just to defeat a group of losers, but he wins the challenge to defeat more rebels only because (according to Gai’s loud complaint) he trapped them using shadow clones.

The information is delivered safely and on time. And afterwards they stop to eat dangos and buy a little dolphin keychain for Kurenai and Asuma before beginning the walk back towards the village.

“Well, we’re going to sleep here,” Kakashi orders when the sun sets behind a mountain.

The place is a small clearing. Certainly, Kakashi chose it because it felt quite intimate and pleasant. They are far enough away from Konoha’s surveillance that no one can see them.

Gai falls to the ground after Kakashi. Despite leaving a centimeter of space between their heels, Kakashi manages to unpack after him, starting to unroll his futon on the side exactly opposite Gai.

“But, Kakashi, what a marvelous opportunity to sleep beside each other and strengthen the beautiful bond of our rivalry!” Gai shouts and swallows. It appears that he also wants to cry and he drags his blankets next to Kakashi, stopping only when Kakashi signals him to stop with a flick of his wrist. 

“I know, I know. I only want to be sure of something.”

Gai pouts. Kakashi, in return, laughs at him.

Until now, he could consider it a coincidence. Perhaps it was something more than calming his nightmares. Kakashi does not easily believe in unlikely situations, especially if it’s about the cheesy and sentimental things Gai has made stir in his stomach like butterflies.

Even so, Kakashi stays on the other side of the little clearing, surprised by his own deception when he looks at the stars, and there is only stillness instead of Gai’s radiant constellation, which usually sparkles with meteor showers.

There will be no story tonight, of course, but Kakashi falls asleep quickly and easily after two nights in a row of having marvelous dreams. Presumably, Gai is sleeping on the other side, but Kakashi doesn’t hear any friendly bears rolling around in his bed even if this time he is very sure that Gai snores.

It doesn’t take Kakashi long to wake up, and when he does, he’s crying, terrorized by another terrible dream about the death of another one of his precious people. Kakashi has a self-destructive tendency to repeat every detail of his dreams every time he opens his eyes. It’s so he doesn’t forget the things he’s done wrong. The suffering produced by dreaming of his dead loved ones must be a belt tied around his legs that keeps him glued to the tombs and the earth that covers them.

Kakashi shakes his head when he wakes up. He has tears and snot on his face and an ache in his chest, and the only thing that he has the emotional capacity to do while he is in so much pain is drag his bed across the forest floor, practically throwing it on top of Gai before lying down next to him.

The sound of Gai’s snores is uneven. Calming. His chest rises and falls in a pretty synchronized rhythm even if his mouth is open. It’s the first time Kakashi has seen him sleep, and even if there are so many details about Gai when he is sleeping that he would like to pay more attention to (the way the shape of his bangs part to reveal his forehead, the curve of his eyelashes on his cheekbones and the calmness of his face in sleep), and Kakashi cannot help but sob.

“Gai,” his voice is muffled with tears, but it’s loud enough to reach Gai’s ears, “Gai, wake up.”

Gai’s eyelids move a little, tensing like sheets of paper in the air before fanning out like sheets of paper in the air before fanning out to the thick line of his brows.

For a moment, he seems lost and strange, but after his rational mind awakens, he meets Kakashi’s face and all signs of sleep evaporate from his features when he sees Kakashi is crying.

“Kakashi! Are you OK?” Gai sits up, searching for a kunai as if there is an enemy.

Later, however, he lowers his shoulders when his brain connects one thing with the other and he lies back down, turning to look at Kakashi’s face, red and full of tears.

“Kakashi, are you OK?” His way of asking is completely different from before, and Kakashi shakes his head while squeezing his eyelids to clean the residue of the tears falling from his eyes. “You had a nightmare.” Gai’s tone is much clearer.

Then, it is Kakashi who gets under Gai’s covers, squeezing his hand in a firm fist before guiding it towards his heart.

Gai’s thick eyebrows lower like branches of a pine tree. It appears that he has enough empathy that he can see every detail of Kakashi’s dream through his eyelids. And probably, he can also see the painful throbbing of Kakashi’s heart, because Gai’s fingers twitch over Kakashi’s shirt and then press against his chest as if he wants to reach inside him, between his skin and the dark shadows of his feelings, to help him.

“I’m so sorry, Kakashi, it’s not fair to you.”

Kakashi’s head shakes. Fairness had nothing to do with failures like him. That’s not exactly the way Gai thinks things work.

“It’s OK. I can deal with that.”

It’s a little stupid that Kakashi can say yes when he is crying. But it is a thing that he cannot see doing with anyone else. Crying pathetically as if Gai could share all of his suffering. The nightmares, the remorse, the guilt, the tears, ANBU, the nicknames, the missions, Danzo.

“All of these problems are my fault.”

Obviously, and completely suddenly, Gai disagrees. He knows, supposedly, that part of Kakashi’s problem is due to being a shinobi, but he seems absolutely convinced that Kakashi is interpreting the situation incorrectly.

“It’s true that you have a lot of problems, Kakashi, but you cannot have all of them at the same time.”

His hand caresses the place where Kakashi’s heart beats, and Gai’s sleepy eyes burn with fire.

“Problems are a part of life, I know that! Everyone has to learn from difficult situations.” His bangs move as he sits back. “Even so, I am completely sure people have one of two problems. Those we can solve, and those we cannot solve. But no one in the world can truly live a life full of them.”

Kakashi finally cleans the tears off his pale, transparent eyelashes, looking at Gai with a kind of question in his eyes.

“You don’t have to take responsibility for everything.”

Kakashi wraps his hands around Gai’s arm, refusing to accept that it is a hug. At the same time that he accepts Gai’s speech, he rejects the truth of his words, but all the things from his lucid dreams full of torture finally seem far enough away from him to talk about.

“I… dreamed that my whole team died.”

Gai’s hug loosens a bit, and Kakashi cleaves his fingernails into the skin available between Gai’s shoulder and his wrist while talking about all the nightmares he can remember.

Gai says nothing, just watches him the whole time with a hand pressed to his heart and his arm resting beneath Kakashi’s fingers, which are playing with the bandana wrapped around his forearm.

Kakashi falls asleep when he closes his eyes to think of something else until finally he has said everything, incredibly emotionally exhausted but at the same time his chest feels lighter, weightless like a small feather after all these years, and it’s enough for him to go back to sleep.

This time, Kakashi doesn’t dream at all. He sleeps so deeply the rest of the night that he wakes with his mind blank, surprised by the amount of colors there are in the dawn.

His hands are still clinging to Gai’s arm, but he also seems to have moved from his position a little bit, with his head lying on the next pillow and a leg lifted over Gai’s muscular legs in a way that practically covers him.

He is awake, looking attentively at Kakashi, and his smile is so bright that it is the first thing Kakashi’s eyes see upon waking, which is somewhat encouraging.

“Good morning, my beloved Rival.” Gai shoots him a happy wink. At the same time, Kakashi’s head finally appears to reflect on his actions and he slowly disengages himself from Gai, feeling embarrassed for having hogged his body all night long.

“Good morning.” Kakashi’s tone is bored and flat, and he steels his face to clear away the sleepiness and the dream before he rolls away on the futon. He feels a little cold this far from Gai, but Kakashi pretends that he is happy to feel it.

Gai gets up from their shared beds while Kakashi just feels like complaining about everything, hidden in a cloud of regret about what he said during the night. It’s not that he’s taking back what he told Gai, it’s just that he’s afraid that letting off steam will make the nightmares worse because his subconscious keeps insisting that he doesn’t deserve to be happy.

Anyway, Kakashi doesn’t know. Gai winks and him and tosses his backpack in a skilled motion that Kakashi manages to catch in his hand on time, once again feeling in a good enough mood to accept his challenge to eat and run.

The return to Konoha is familiar and long. In any case, it is also quite fun. Gai makes every stupid little thing feel incredibly dramatic and it ends in challenges on ever more ridiculous things, until they stop at the river next to the edge of the woods to wash their bodies and eat.

On this occasion, they don’t bathe together. Which honestly is too bad for Kakashi’s graphic fantasies. Gai takes the first turn in the river while Kakashi prepares the fire. And despite his best attempts to see something in the reflection of his shinobi bandana, his own conscience stops him. Spying on Gai is bad. It doesn’t matter that just a second later, Gai passes in front of Kakashi in a pair of underwear so thin that Kakashi can see the dark phallic shape of his cock through the fabric.

The cold water of the river shuts down all those inappropriate thoughts when it’s Kakashi’s turn to enter the water. He is reading the famous book Icha Icha for the first time, but he’s not sure that’s why he’s become such a pervert. Probably maturity has had a positive effect on Kakashi and after finishing the first book in the series he can feel satisfied with the porn genre and come back to his senses. It’s not as if Kakashi is going to become addicted to adult novels or imaging Gai in each handsome protagonist, leaving him breathless every time he reads a new dirty page and every time Gai keeps going in and out of the river in front of him.

They eat dinner after washing up. And against his will, Kakashi remains in his underwear while his clothing dries by the fire. 

Gai appears to be completely comfortable with his half-nudity, but Kakashi is nervous the whole time it takes for his clothes to dry by the fire. It doesn’t help that Gai keeps talking so loudly while exercising in his tiny underwear, and if Kakashi’s Sharingan opens to record the way in which Gai’s muscles flex, it is an accident.

“Good! Are you ready for our last night, my Eternal Rival?” Gai finally jumps into his clothes again, laying the futons out on the ground.

Kakashi hums. He would like to spend a little more time on this mission, and he’s almost willing to make up an emergency just to remain with Gai a couple of nights more. Except Hiruzen wouldn’t believe him. And also, they are both shinobi with fantastic reputations. A delay isn’t a viable option for anyone’s career. It just leaves him with an uneasy feeling in his chest.

If Kakashi wants to spend another night with Gai, he will have to go on a mission. And it will probably have to have a bed. 

His mouth fills with saliva. Icha Icha is probably getting to him. There’s no way that Kakashi will ask Gai to sleep together again in Konoha, even if he believes that being in Gai’s bed will be so, so warm.

Gai lies at Kakashi’s side in his usual starfish position, and Kakashi almost melancholically watches as he lies on his own futon, wondering when they’ll ever be this close together again after tonight. Long missions in pairs are not common among elite jounin. And Kakashi thinks that he could miss innumerable things about all this.

“Ugh, it’s cold tonight,” Gai says. The wind on this side of the forest is always a little icier than normal. And Kakashi sees the skin of his arms break out into goosebumps like shoots of grass poking through dirt.

“Maa, I suppose it’s also the clothing you wear.” His finger points at the tight skin on Gai’s biceps, at the same time disguising the cold that has seeped into his bones. “You’re practically naked.”

Gai gasps, opening his eyes in an expression that Kakashi fears will make him laugh. Then, his enormous body turns on the futon, and Kakashi maintains a serious expression even if he would like to take it back when Gai speaks.

“You… think so?” Gai sobs. His super dramatic tears wet their shared pillow. And although it appears that Kakashi can put an end to the topic and pretend that it doesn’t matter, the truth is that it does matter.

“Mnh, I only think you should use something with sleeves and much looser to balance your style of fighting.” Kakashi rubs his chin in a pensive tone. And Gai’s tears change to shine with a soulful brilliance, taking Kakashi’s words as if they were a sacred scroll. “Anyway, I know you like it.”

Kakashi winks his eye. Although, it could just be a fleeting blink.

Gai takes it as the first, obviously, and his cheeks color while it he appears to have a racket going on inside his head. Kakashi knows that if there were a poll about what suits Gai best, everyone would say that a jumpsuit without sleeves is much more sexy. Anyway, if Gai chose a jumpsuit with long sleeves and pants, Kakashi would vote for it. Even if he was the only one.

“In that case, I will definitely use sleeves!” Gai nods his head several times, and Kakashi cannot stop the victorious smile from forming beneath the fabric of his mask.

Good, as long as Kakashi was the only one who knew what Gai looked like under his clothes, he could wear anything to cover up his body. And the rest of Konoha would have to content themselves with imagining.

His own thoughts make him shrink into his futon. It’s really something bad when the words that the master Jiraiya wrote in his extremely popular book, and Kakashi hopes he will finish reading it in order to begin forgetting it.

Gai seems to be considering what he is going to do in detail, and after a moment he removes his hitae-ate, which he has tied around his forehead because it is too small to wear it in its usual place.

“I will also change the fabric of my hitae-ate,” Gai gestures. It’s so Gai to use his shinobi headband as a belt, and Kakashi is happy with this decision. It will also combine well with the long sleeves.

Kakashi nods and rolls himself up in the covers. He knows that he would be much warmer if he embraces Gai, but he refuses to do something as embarrassing as move closer.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter if he does. Gai slides across the rocky ground and puts his hands under their covers. Kakashi sighs when Gai presses a hand against the shirt of his uniform with force. He is warm despite the cold. Comforting. And Kakashi’s heart appears to jump when Gai’s palm stretches softly on the sensitive skin of his chest.

“I… also would like to see you in some other clothing sometime, Kakashi,” Gai says, slowly clenching his hand into a fist. “I would like it if you didn’t have to wear the ANBU uniform anymore.”

Kakashi rolls his eyes. He wants to remove Gai’s hand and get away. ANBU is not a choice. Kakashi deserves the suffering that Root provides his emotions every day. Also, Minato put him there. If Kakashi just leaves…

“I don’t want us to live our lives without having overcome all the things that give us nightmares and make us cry.” Gai’s breath is soft. The fist on Kakashi’s chest opens and relaxes. “I want us to live a life without being held back by anything.”

Kakashi intends to tighten his hands around Gai’s arm, but he takes his hand away and pulls his arms out from under the covers. He’s not sure if he is going to say something else, or if his words will be guided by some other passionate feeling, but when Gai starts to untie the bandana from his arm, Kakashi’s mouth goes dry.

“This is the bandana my father gave me.” Gai holds it in his hand, touching it with both strength and delicacy at the same time. “But right now I want you to have it.”

“Mnh?” Kakashi blinks and looks at the bright scarf. It’s probably one of the few things that remain of Dai, and his hands shake just from thinking about how Gai is giving him something he has been clinging to for all these years. “Why?”

“Because I have moved on with my life, Rival!” Gai sighs, extending the handkerchief towards Kakashi. “I have held onto this object trying to feel close to my father, but the memory of my father lives in my heart, not in any object I can hold in my hands.”

Gai shakes his head, gently lifting Kakashi’s blanket to sink beneath it again.

“He was my most precious person, and for this reason, I want the person most precious to me now to have it. It is proof that my heart is finally free of all pain! And it is proof that you can do it too, Rival!”

Kakashi’s hand accepts the bandana automatically when Gai places it in his palm, squeezing the edges with a strange feeling even if he already knows where he will keep it: in the small pocket exactly over his heart.

In the place where Gai’s passionate words calm Kakashi’s fears.

“But… are you sure?” Kakashi lifts his eyebrows, bringing the bandana closer to his face until he can perceive its smell. And maybe, maybe if he sleeps with it every night he can imagine that Gai is by his side and with any luck, the nightmares will go away for good this time. And Kakashi can start letting go of things and be free.

“I am sure.”

Gai’s smile grows big, and then he squeezes the hand Kakashi is using to hold Dai’s bandana in a way that’s almost too cheesy. 

“Good.” Kakashi’s smile is also growing. And his fingers move only to return the pressure in a sickeningly sweet way.

And although tonight Gai’s constellation is too beautiful, Kakashi closes his eyes. The question forms his lips into a smile and he knows that he can always blame being tired if things get a little awkward in the morning.

“Gai… do you think we could sleep together again?” His voice is very soft and timid, but his hand feels strong, absolutely firm in Gai’s. “I mean, in a house, without having to be on a mission.”

Gai’s fingers rub against the bandana and it feels like a promise. It almost appears that the small piece of fabric forms a delicate jumpsuit that ties them together tightly.

“I believe so, my Rival. That would be fabulous.”