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Neil did not have a childhood. He had years where he was a child, but those years alone did not make up a childhood. A childhood, Neil learned, was so much more. It was walking in the park holding your parent’s hand, getting tucked in at night and kissed on the forehead, it was holidays and birthdays and soft toys and gifts. It was love and affection. None of which Neil had ever gotten.
By the time Neil turned 18 and became a legal adult, he was already covered in more scars than any child should be, both physical and mental. Some scars faded easily into the mottled mess of his body, some would never stop plaguing him. Some were more easily seen than others.
Andrew picked up on more than enough. The ones more easily visible could be seen in the fleeting brightness in Neil’s eyes when they passed the stuffed animal section at Target, and the subsequent fade when Nicky asked if he wanted one. The ones hidden were uncovered when Andrew curled up around Neil late at night, back to the wall, chest to chest and a hand buried in Neil’s hair. Sometimes Neil made soft sounds, sniffling as if he was seconds from tears but not allowed to make a sound.
It took coaxing, long hours of intensive googling, and Betsy to figure out a bandaid for the biggest of Neil’s wounds. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but it was something kind, and that was all Andrew could hope to offer.
Neil breathed in, and opened his eyes to meet Andrew’s. His boyfriend most of the time, but when Neil was in this headspace, only his caregiver. Only ever his caregiver. Andrew left romance and attraction at the door the moment Neil mentioned that he was feeling small. It was important for Neil to communicate that feeling, so Andrew didn’t do something that would make Neil in a little mindset uncomfortable and then hurt Andrew in return, so Neil swallowed his nerves and spoke up.
“Um,” Neil fiddled with the hem of his shirt, trying not to drag his gaze away. “I feel. I’m feeling… small. Little. Can we…” Neil averted his gaze. He was too small not to feel ashamed and self conscious. It wasn’t his job to be strong when he was little. It was Andrew’s job to tell him he was okay. Andrew had chosen this job for himself- he would do anything for Neil, and he loved being able to help him heal, bit by bit
“What do you need?” Andrew asked, voice smooth and unwavering. A pillar for Neil to lean on.
“I need,” Neil brought his sleeve to his mouth, nibbling on it. “I need my Drew.”
Andrew’s expression melted. “Okay, baby.” He said, standing up and grabbing the remote to pause the show they had been watching. “C’mere.” Andrew stood in front of Neil, holding out his hands. Yes or no didn’t apply here, only because Neil was capable of saying ‘no thank you’ and Andrew didn’t offer anything he didn’t want to give. Neil lifted his hands, taking Andrew’s and letting him pull him to his feet. Neil wavered a second but steadied, and gave Andrew a small smile.
“Thank you, Drew.”
“Don’t thank me, baby.” Andrew said warmly. “I’m here for you, okay? Let’s get you all cozy.”
Andrew led Neil to their bedroom and had him sit on the bed while Andrew found their cozy clothes. Neil didn’t like wearing big clothes, they brought him out of this gentle, coping mindset too much, so Andrew bought him some specific small cozy clothes.
“Daisies or tulips?” Andrew asked, pulling out two of the soft two-piece pajama sets.
Neil frowned heavily as he looked between his two options. Then, a lightbulb popped on over his head, and he brightened. “Both?”
It was Andrew’s turn to frown at the two floral patterned onesies he held. “Biscuit, I don’t think you can wear two sets at once.”
Neil held in a giggle, but it spilled past his lips anyway. The sound made Andrew smile. “Course I can, silly. Daisy shirt and tulip pants, ‘kay?” Neil pointed to show him what he meant, and Andrew put down the unwanted pieces with a fond smile.
“You’re too smart for your own good.” Andrew said, offering the clothes to Neil so he could dress himself. Neil say ‘no’ when Andrew offered to dress or bathe him, and Andrew would never, ever cross those boundaries. “I’ll be right back, okay?” He asked, to which Neil nodded.
Andrew lingered for a moment, before he turned away and disappeared out the door of their bedroom without a word. The door shut after him, and Neil waited until he heard the TV turn on before he knelt down and pulled an opaque underbed storage bin from under their bed. He pried the lid off and surveyed the contents. It wasn’t full, only sparsely populated with a select few items that brought Neil immeasurable comfort.
A white fleece took up most of the space. There was a small box with a few bright pastel colored hair scrunchies and clips, and a sunshine yellow pacifier. Tucked next to it, several stuffed animals that looked brand new, the tags still in place, their soft faces and paws untouched. After careful deliberation, Neil took the white blanket, his paci, and a single rabbit stuffed animal with curly, minky fur, and pink feet. He set them on the bed to wait while he changed and brought them back out to the living room when he was dressed, dropping the bunny stuffy on Andrew’s lap where he saw on the couch and laying out his fleece on the other half of the couch carefully.
“What a nice friend you’ve chosen.” Andrew hummed, petting the rabbit while Neil made up his little nest. “Does he have a name?”
“Not yet.” Neil shook his head. He could tell Andrew was gauging just how young he was so he knew how to act, if Andrew needed to take care of him completely or if Neil wanted to be a little independent. All of it was on Neil’s terms. “‘M not good at coming up with things like that.”
“Sure you are.” Andrew shrugged, waiting till Neil was sitting down to put the bunny in his lap. Neil gave a small smile and leaned down to put one of the bunny ears in his mouth, chewing.
“Ah-ah,” Andrew shook his head, reaching over and waiting for a nod to tug the ear out of Neil’s mouth. He picked up the paci and gave it to him instead. “We don’t bite our friends, okay, Neil?”
Neil nodded, still smiling a bit as he settled back. He made a nonsense noise from behind his paci but Andrew understood perfectly. Neil was requesting Bluey, a cartoon he loved.
“Okay, nugget.” Andrew said idly, grabbing the remote and changing it to Disney Plus before selecting a random Bluey episode. He set the remote out of reach- otherwise Neil would play with it, mess up the cartoon, and cry- and pat Neil’s head after a nod before going to get him some juice.
Neil didn’t like bottles, but he loved sippy cups, so Andrew grabbed a green one with a sunflower on the front, washed it out, and filled it with apple juice. He brought it back to Neil, who made grabby hands and waited for Andrew to take his paci out to sip his juice. Andrew put the paci on a clip and attached it to Neil’s shirt, settling in next to him.
“Do you just want to watch TV and maybe we can take a nap, after? Or we can play and then nap. Either way, I think you’re a very sleepy boy.” Andrew spoke with a smile. “I know you didn’t sleep super great big last night, nibbles.”
Neil shook his head in agreement and held his juice with two hands to speak. “Nightmares.” He grumbled. “Don’t wanna talk about it, Drew.”
“Okay baby.” Andrew let it go easily. “So, what do you think?”
Neil thought for a second, wiggling his toes. “I wanna play.” He decided eventually, then sipped at his juice again.
“Sounds good. I’m going to get your toys and set up a blanket for us to play on.” Andrew told him, standing and going to their room for a second. It scared Neil to see him go when he had just gotten used to Drew staying by him. He gave a whine, but when Andrew didn’t come back, whined louder. He tucked his knees to his chest and dropped his juice to grab his bunny, suddenly scared. He wanted Drew back already, and it was taking too long, and he was leaving him again, and-
Andrew came back, but almost dropped the box of toys when he saw the expression on Neil’s face. “Hey, hey, little fox. What happened?” Andrew went to kneel in front of him, hands up so Neil could take them if he wanted. “I’m right here, bunny is right here, you don’t need to be so sad.” Andrew tried to soothe, but Neil was already okay the second Andrew came back.
“Got scared.” Neil said, taking Andrew’s hands and squeezing them. “Without you.” Andrew frowned and squeezed his hands back.
“I’m here, bug, I’m here. I’m sorry you were scared. I was just getting your toys, remember?”
Neil nodded, but hid some of his face in his bunny stuffy. “Can we play now?” He requested softly, and Andrew nodded.
“Of course. Want me to carry you over?” Andrew offered, but Neil shook his head and got up to follow Andrew over to the open space between the TV and the coffee table. Andrew laid out a plaid blanket and brought out some of Neil’s toys. He wanted the Bluey toys so he could play along with the cartoon, so Andrew set up the little Bluey house playset and got him all his characters, agreeing to play as Dad and Mum so Neil could be Bluey and Bingo.
They played along with the show for a few episodes, Neil babbling and taking occasional sips of his juice and Andrew humming and nodding along. After five episodes Neil started yawning, and even though it was mid-day, Andrew decided it was nap time.
“Okay, rabbit. It’s time to clean up.”
“Nooooo,” Neil thumped his Bluey against the blanket in protest, frowning. “I’m not even-” he paused to yawn. “Tiredddd.”
Andrew raised an amused eyebrow. “Yes you are, silly. You’re just gonna fall asleep with your toys. Would you rather fall asleep in your bed?”
Neil shrugged. “Couch. Don’t wanna turn off Bluey.”
Andrew’s heart warmed. “I think that’s a good compromise. Help me clean up?” He asked, starting to put away the playset. Neil helped by putting the figures away in their box and folded the blanket so he could bring it to the couch. Andrew sat down and offered his lap as a pillow, but Neil put his feet there instead, giggling as he kicked gently at Andrew’s legs.
“Aw, be nice,” Andrew teased, poking his ankle. “So silly. Too silly, almost. Your silly power is off the charts.”
“Nuh-uh. Just silly enough, Drew.” Neil shook his head, hugging the bunny stuffy to his chest and tugging the plaid blanket over him so he was cozy, head on a throw pillow. “You’re the too silly one.”
Andrew gave a pretend gasp. “I am? That’s news to me. I can’t believe it. I’m too silly… Oh well. Guess I can’t be my baby’s Drew anymore… I’m too silly.”
Neil squealed and kicked his feet playfully. “No! You have to stay. I promise you’re not too silly.”
Andrew gave a sigh of relief. “Good. I would be so sad if I had to leave my baby bunny.” Andrew leaned over, planting a kiss on Neil’s forehead after he nodded ‘yes’. “I’m never gonna leave you, I promise. I’ll always be here, and I will never leave and not come back, okay?”
Neil smiled, pulling the blanket up over his nose so it covered half of his face. “Okay.” He agreed after a second, and found that he believed it. “Gonna sleep now, Drew.” He warned.
“Okay, baby. Sleep well. I love you.”
And he meant it.
And Neil knew he did.