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“Why did you stay?” Dean can’t help but ask, vulnerable in Cas’s arms as Cas strokes his hair. Cas’s nose is buried in Dean’s neck on the couch, their bodies pressed tightly together without regard to the rule to ‘make room for Chuck’ as Sam so elegantly put it upon walking in on them hours ago.
“I assume you have a specific moment in mind?” Cas mumbles, kissing Dean’s forehead, before nuzzling even closer to Dean, cocooning him in the safety of warmth and friendship. But he wanted more. Maybe Cas did, too?
“When I was sent to the future, you were still there. You knew that it was me, well, past me, and you seemed so...close with future me. But you weren’t happy. Not really, I don’t think. Dude, you were high as a kite and screwing anyone within five feet of you with your dojo crap and yet when you looked at future me it seemed…” Dean stopped, unable to finish. This was stupid. “Forget it, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“No, I think this is important for you to know if you brought it up, Dean,” Cas whispers, seeming to think for a second while he starts to run his free hand up and down Dean’s arm, causing him to shiver and relax even further into a puddle of goo in Cas’s arms. Sam will never know, he just thinks that him and Cas were cold. Logic. Simple as that. Two bros chilling naked on a couch under a blanket. Casually kissing and touching and loving each other. As friends, of course.
Dean waits for Cas to speak for so long that he almost falls asleep, feeling so safe for the first time in years, probably since before his mom had died, and he has his best friend to thank for this newfound calm in his life.
Finally, Cas speaks again.
“I believe that future me would have had to try harder to forget. I assume that is why humanity uses drugs and sex, to forget the one they really want. And from the way you say that we look at each other, we had probably participated in intercourse with each other and realized that we love each other. I believe that was when future me went into a spiral, as you might say. With the world ending, I believe we might have both agreed - either verbally or silently - that it is better not to get our hopes up for a future, so we stayed friends, protectors. I stayed because I love you, Dean. Because you deserve to have someone to stick with you through it all, especially after losing your brother to the devil, and I don’t believe I could ever stomach leaving you as an angel, as a human, or even as a soul in heaven, if possible.
“I believe the simple answer is that I will always stay,” Cas confesses. And it shouldn’t be that easy. That's not how friends are supposed to confess their love. It’s supposed to be difficult with stumbles and embarrassment and doubt, but Cas is so sure and he doesn’t seem afraid of the consequences of what he just admitted and Dean just…
Dean just turns to Cas and kisses him, moving his hand up and around to hold Cas’s face closer to his own, loving the feeling of Cas’s light stubble against his hand, the feeling of Cas’s dry lips against his own, the feeling of the soft sounds Cas makes traveling through Dean’s entire body, the feeling of something else stirring. And when Dean feels it, he stops, pulls back and smiles at Cas because he knows that that is not what Cas wants.
Cas has never wanted sex like that, even if his future self buried himself in it. It was probably the only coping mechanism that Dean had taught Cas, and Dean vows to himself that Cas will never have to cope like that because they know that it’s better to be together and die tomorrow than risk that depressing, miserable future that the angels had foreseen.
And Dean is okay with never having the connection of sex with Cas because this is perfect, but Cas seems to think that Dean wants more because he leans in for another kiss which Dean accepts for a few moments before pulling back.
“But don’t you want-” Cas starts to ask and Dean smiles softly.
“Nah. You feel this, Cas?” Dean asks, gesturing towards their closeness, turning so their fronts touch, their cocks brushing against each other gently, but it’s not sexual for one of the first times in Dean’s life.
“What?” Cas asks, confused. “You are hard, you must want-”
“No, Cas. The connection. This...warmth. Our love. This is perfect. I know you don’t want to do the do, and I’m okay with that because I love you and this is enough. More than enough. More than I could have ever hoped for, and I don’t think I’m going to ever need more. Yes, I desire you, but I would never follow through without you fully wanting it, too, because I’m okay with this,” Dean says, stumbling over his words and blushing, but Cas finally seems to understand, which makes it all worth it.
“You are really fine with not having sex? I know that it is very important to you,” Cas starts, and Dean sighs.
“Cas, I only had sex because that’s what they expected, because it was the only way that I knew how to cope. My dad taught me to go out and bang a hot chick, and so I did because he expected it to cope with hunting and with the pain of failing Sammy over and over. I realize that he was wrong, now, but it was the only way I knew how to cope, the only way I knew how to get close to people. It sucked and I know that I don’t have to do that with you because I can be close to you just like this and I’m so happy for that. It’s honestly a relief, man,” Dean admits, burying his face in Cas’s chest and taking in the fresh scent of the angel intermixed with his own scent to create their very own mix.
“I love you,” Cas whispers and holds Dean closer, not ashamed to press their entire fronts together as they slowly fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Dean knows that he would always stay with Cas, too, to protect and love him until the end of time, no matter what. And even though he didn’t say the words back just then, he knows that Cas can see the glow of his soul in perfect contentment with his lover.