Chapter Text
Rider stopped the main show and put this on the screen.
“What the hell is this?” Niner demanded.
Intermission! Break from the main show if you will. Besides, you guys might enjoy this. This is basically a Public Service Announcement performed by the red vs blue cast. Any questions? A few of the Freelancers opened their mouths to speak but Rider kept talking and didn’t give them a chance to speak (What? Patience is not my strong suit). No? Cool. On with the PSA!
Grif: What's this for again?
Church: You know, it's for that thing at the Lincoln Center, where they're showing all that cool web stuff.
Grif: They're showing web stuff in a theater...? Aren’t you supposed to steal stuff from movie theaters and then put it on the internet? They've got it backwards.
“Who goes to theaters anymore?” CT asked.
“Me and my family did when I was younger. We didn’t exactly have great streaming services on the moon.” Niner shrugged.
“We would go as well but I’m pretty sure Mom just liked the aesthetic of it,” North answered, a happy gleam in his eyes at the undoubtedly fond memories.
“I had fun throwing popcorn at the people in front of us. Good times.” South said. North snorted and was going to say something but South cut him off, “Don’t you start. You’re the one who poured Mom’s purse chili into your soda and dumped it on that guy's family jewels.”
“I was 10 and the guy had called Mom a stupid clumsy bitch because she bumped into him. And you’re one to talk. You threw your metal water bottle at his face. You’re lucky it didn’t do anything other than give him a big bruise and a headache or he would’ve sued the shit out of us.” North defended and South snorted.
“Well, he called Mom a stupid clumsy bitch. What was I supposed to do?” South said, quoting her brother's words.
North rolled his eyes and huffed fondly.
Church: Just follow my lead. Hi, my name is Private Church from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue. Welcome to the New York Video Festival's Wild, Wild Web Program .
Grif: I would just like to say, that we did not help come up with that name.
Church: Grif...
Grif: Seriously, dude. Why not just call it the Incredible-Edible Internet ?
York laughed but awkwardly tried to turn it into a cough at Carolina’s look.
Church: Shut up. You're gonna get us fired.
Grif: It's onlinerific!
Church: Just say your lines.
Grif: Fine. We realize that a lot of you are here tonight because you've never heard of this crazy thing called “the internet.”
“Who hasn’t heard of the internet?” York asked. Is there even anyone who hasn’t been on the internet at some point?
“Sad people,” South grunted.
“Fair point.”
“You do realize basically all of those ‘sad people’ are poor, right?” CT pointed out.
“Yeah, and? They’re still sad.” South answered.
“Oh my god.”
Church: If you or someone you know is thinking about using the internet, we’ve prepared the following primer, to teach you how the internet is different from the real world.
Meeting New People: Real Life
Church: Well, it was—it was really great to meet you.
Donut ( female ): It was really great to meet you too.
Church: Would you mind if I, called you later?
Donut: Sure.
“That has never once worked.” York sighed.
“Gee, I wonder why?” Wash snarked, remembering all the cheesy pick-up lines York would use on woman at bars. To be fair, he used them as practice for Carolina but still… they were really bad.
Meeting New People: Internet
Donut: So big boy, I'm from-
Simmons: You're not a girl.
Donut: What? ‘course I am!
Simmons: A real girl?
“Okay, that’s a little familiar,” CT said amused, remembering all the similar accusations her teenage self was peddled with.
Sarge ( from afar ): WHO’S A GIRL? I LIKE GIRLS!
Simmons: Shut up, you!
Donut: Yes. I am really a girl. Heeheehee…
Simmons: … Send me naked pictures.
Donut: … … Okay.
“That also hasn’t ever worked,” York muttered.
Ew!
“York!”
“What!?”
Sarge: I LOVE ANGELINA JOLIE. DOES ANYONE ELSE LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE? … SHE’S GOT ENORMOUS LIPS!
Checking Your Mail: Real Life
Church: Bills, bills, bills, coupon… Great.
Checking Your Mail: Internet
Simmons: Pardon me, my friend, but I am Nigirean Roylty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact that I can’t spell “Nigerian.” Or “Royalty.”
Doc: Would you like to refinance your home? Mortgage rates have never been lower!
Grif: Hey, Church! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They're hopped up on herbal Viagra and waiting for you .
Sarge: WOULD YOU LIKE A BIGGER PENIS? WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I COULD SUGGEST SOME PLACES.
Doc: You could put it in escrow!
“The hell? I never get porn ads.” Wash said, his brows scrunched together.
“For obvious reasons.” South grinned, taking a jab at Wash’s looks.
Lucky. The porn bots are being a pain in the ass on Tumblr right now.
“What?”
Nevermind. Rider grumbled. ‘46 porn bots in two weeks is fucking ridiculous.’ Rider grouched, annoyed.
Going Shopping: Real Life
Doc: $12.99 for that Creed CD, please!
Church: Here you go.
Doc: Have a nice day!
Going Shopping: Internet
Grif: Does anyone have the new Creed CD?
Church: I have it.
Grif: Give it to me, right now.
Church: Give it to you? Why would I do that?
Grif: You're not giving it to me! Give it to me faster!!
Church: Wait. That's illegal.
The meme! Rider exclaimed joyfully. 🥳
“What do you mean ‘meme’?” Tex asked. Didn’t know I would be dealing with children when I joined the UNSC. Tex huffed but she wasn’t annoyed, not really. In a way, it was nice having some cheerful energy that hadn’t been tainted by the war. Wash didn’t count. She’s seen the way he goes at the punching bag with that vicious, feral energy of his when it’s too early for the morning birds and too late for the night owls.
A meme is a-
“We know what a meme is.” Carolina cut her off sharply.
Tex shot her a look that was filled with enough venom it could kill 50 elites in a heartbeat. But mercifully for Carolina, she couldn’t see Tex’s look from where she sat in the back, the shadows curled around her like armor.
“But how is this ,” Carolina continued, unaware of the scathing look Tex was giving her, and gestured at the screen. “A meme? It’s not funny or anything.”
Never underestimate the power of the internet. Rider answered, laughing lightly. You say one thing and you’re forever an icon and immortal because of it or the force of thousands of Facebook moms and Redditors come crashing down on you.
Wyoming narrowed his eyes at Rider, his mustache twitching. “That seems like a very high vocabulary for you.”
That’s because I actually slept for more than 6 hours last night. Rider said cheerfully. I can word better when I get sleep.
“Can’t relate,” Wash muttered.
Rider giggled and North gave Wash an exasperated look.
Grif: No, it isn't! I don't want it to be illegal, therefore it isn't. That's the way it works.
“I wish that was the same way with drinking on the ship,” South grumbled.
“Illegal and against the rules are two different things. And why are you complaining? You do it anyway.” CT pointed out.
“So? It would be nice if I didn’t have to sneak around like a rat.” South argued.
“You already look the part so I don’t get what the big deal is,” Wash muttered, still sour from South’s earlier comment.
“What was that?”
“Nothing!”
Simmons: CREED SUCKS! I hate you, and I hate the bands you like!
Partying With Friends: Real Life
Church: This is a great party!
Grif: Yeahh! Whoo! All right!
Partying With Friends: Internet
Church: ... Hey, where is everybody?
Grif: I guess they're all masturbating.
Church: Oh... ( looks around ) Right...
Grif: Well, I'll see ya later, dude. I'm gonna go masturbate. ( runs off )
York opened his mouth to make a comment but North reached over and kicked his seat.
“What?” York complained and North pointed at Rider’s screen.
🙉
“She’s not even listening!” York splayed his hands, exasperated.
“York.”
“Fine.”
Church: ...okay... see ya.
Discussing Politics: Real Life
Church: Look, that's just the way I feel about it.
Sarge: Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
Discussing Politics: Internet
Church: You deserve to die!! Die, and go to Hell and burn!!
Sarge: Oh yeah!? Well, I hope you get raped! Twice!! Maybe then you'll feel different! Jerk! ( continues to scream in the background throughout the rest of the section )
Grif: ( runs in ) We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to want to find them! That's the way it works!
Simmons: I voted for Nader! I hate everyone!
Doc: Would you like to change your home page to Moveon.org?
Donut: Politics makes me soooo horny. Check out my webcam pic at Presidentialsluts.com!
“...a lot of things just happened that I’m not sure if I should process it.”
Let’s not and say we did.
“Agreed.”
Cut to Grif and Church
Church: So just remember. The internet can be a very scary place if you're not prepared.
Grif: How do you recommend they prepare?
Church: I don't know. Try going to your local middle school chess club. Hand out crystal meth and guns. That might be good practice.
South turned to CT with a wolfish grin. CT raised a brow.
“Got any of that for me?” South asked.
“No. You want crystal meth, go beat up a drug lord next shore leave. If you want a gun, go get one from O’Mally and I don’t care if you say he’s being a dick.” CT replied, crossing her arms.
South scowled and turned away.
Grif: Thanks for watching, everybody. Now let's all go home and masturbate.
Church: ...Grif.
Fade to black
“That was it?” CT asked quizzically.
Yup! Rider answered cheerfully.
“So you pulled us away from the show that supposedly shows us what happens to us later on for this? And not even to give us a break from those idiots who are dressed up like every skittle flavor?” CT said in a calm tone of voice that practically screamed that she wasn’t really calm.
…you guys dress up like skittles as well… Rider mumbled. CT had a very vivid image of a teenager kicking the ground sullenly.
Tex snorted.
Carolina rolled her eyes. “As much as I hate to say this, can we just get back to the main show?”
Rider perked up again. Sure! She answered brightly.
She was like those inflatable men at car dealerships, Tex mused. She might go down but she pops right back up.
“Are we gonna see more of these?” Wash asked.
Yup!
“Dammit.”