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Natsume decided that today was the day.
He would finally confess.
They had spent way too long toeing the line of "Do you like like me?" and "Is this just a really good friendship or domestic bliss?" Natsume wanted it to be the latter. Heck, he decided his 2023 resolution would be maintaining that domestic bliss.
And Mikan was definitely giving signs of wanting the same. Well, at least Natsume hoped to dear god that he was reading her right. What if she didn't feel the same way? What if this ruins their friendship? What if-
He sighed loudly. Natsume never thought he was an overthinker, but apparently Mikan can make him go crazy in more ways than one.
"What's up with you?" the culprit herself asked.
"Nothing," he grumbled. They were sharing a rare lunch break together. With so many credits to fulfill this semester, it was difficult to overlap their lunch time. So Natsume took this as a sign of approval from the universe. Yes, you have my blessings to confess, God said.
See? She makes him fucking crazy.
"Okay…" Mikan said, unconvinced. She continued picking the onions from her bulgogi beef rice bowl and piled them onto Natsume's plate. She didn't even ask for permission. Not that Natsume cared. Some days, he picked the onions off for her.
Domestic bliss.
But this wasn't the time to confess yet. He has two more classes after lunch. If he confessed now and got rejected, he didn't think he could function well for the rest of the day.
"You're going to the party tonight?" he asked instead.
Mikan stopped tackling her bowl. "Why?"
He shrugged. "Thought we could go together."
"But you hate frat parties. Called Kitsu's mixing skills your thirteenth reason."
"I can't spend time with my friends anyways?"
"Oh, so it's FOMO." She dived into her now onion-free lunch.
"No," he grumbled. Darn her for not seeing what he was trying to do. "So are you going or not?"
She laughed. "Yeah, yeah. Let's go together."
"Okay." He let out a deep breath - one he wasn't even aware he was holding. Okay, she said yes. I can do this.
"You're being weird, Natsume."
Natsume, in fact, cannot do this.
He tried not to brood, but there he was - standing at the corner of this stupid frat party that he didn't give a shit about. His solo cup was still full, he couldn't stomach the concoction Kitsuneme had made.
And Mikan...Mikan was where she should always be. At the center of the room. In the heart of the party. In Natsume's every fiber of being.
With that jackass Tsubasa Andou following her like an abandoned puppy.
"Since when did he get so chummy?" Natsume frowned.
Hotaru, who preferred to drink her beer by the sidelines, immediately understood who Natsume was referring to. "They got close after that horrid departmental Halloween event they had."
Mikan was chatting with their friends over the thump of the overly-loud music. She wore a simple maroon dress, falling softly before her knees and sleeves long enough to keep her from the chill. She was beautiful.
The entire group was now laughing over something Tsubasa had said. Mikan was throwing her head back, her hand clutching Anna's shoulder beside her. Natsume huffed and continued to hide his scowl behind his cup. Whatever idiotic joke Tsubasa made, he was pretty sure he could be ten times funnier.
"Jealous, much?" Hotaru snickered. "I thought you guys came here together."
"We did. And I'm not jealous."
"Sure."
Natsume continued to brood with his cup. It felt like eternity when the group finally dispersed - some to refill their drinks and the rest to dance.
Mikan quickly turned her head to Natsume, well aware of the campus' self-appointed wallflower. She smiled and approached him. Her simple updo was already close to unraveling.
"Hi," she giggled. She wrapped her right arm on Natsume's waist and managed to sling her left arm on Hotaru's shoulder before she could run away. "You two," she giggled again. "You two are my best friends."
Hotaru took Mikan's solo cup away and slithered from her best friend's half embrace. "And you cannot drink anymore."
Mikan mumbled a half-hearted retort. She leaned heavily on Natsume and he prayed that she couldn't feel his heart pounding.
"Oh? Natsume!" she grinned, as if she just realised he was beside her. "You're my bestest friend." She reached to fix his shirt before resting her free hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah," he smiled. Her face was slightly red, and her hair had fully unraveled. Natsume pushed the little strays away from her face. He would kiss her now if she were his. "I need to tell you something."
Mikan hummed.
Natsume wondered if she would even remember this. "I-"
"Hey, let's dance!"
-will kill this fucking guy.
Mikan turned to Tsubasa. "Nah, my head hurts."
"Aw, come on," Tsubasa persuaded.
"Hey, man. She said she didn't want to."
Tsubasa raised his hands in mock-surrender, and returned to the center of the room with their other friends.
Natsume sighed. Mikan was leaning heavily on him now.
"You okay? You wanna lie down?" But he was already guiding her to Mochu's room upstairs, which was thankfully unoccupied. Natsume gently laid her down and helped slip off her flats.
"Stay?" Mikan mumbled.
"Of course." He slid down to the floor by the bed, hand still clasped with Mikan as she fell into slumber.
Natsume was busy regretting his life choices when there was a soft knock on the door.
Ruka popped his head into the room first, and with Natsume's nod, he entered.
"She good?" Ruka asked. It had been thirty minutes since they left the living room.
"Yeah. I don't think she'll wake up anytime soon."
"It's fine," Ruka settled down beside Natsume. "Mochu passed out in the backyard."
Natsume looked at Ruka. Ruka, his best friend. Ruka, who would never judge anyone for anything. Ruka, who has a girlfriend. He decided it would be safe to tell his best friend of his predicament.
"I wanted to tell her today," Natsume whispered.
"Tell her what?"
Natsume sent a half-hearted glare.
"Oh. Tell her that."
"That dick got in the way though."
And just like Hotaru, Ruka immediately understood who he was referring to. He patted Natsume on the back to show sympathy. "Did you know what you were gonna say?"
"Yeah. I was gonna say that I like her."
"Just that?"
Natsume looked at Ruka as if he had grown two heads. "What else am I supposed to say?"
Ruka glanced at Mikan, who was still in dreamland. "Something romantic. Something sentimental. Something that only you know."
"Yeah, only I know that I'm in love with her. That's why it's called confessing."
"Man, no! You gotta have an intro. Something that sets the mood before you confess."
It seems that Natsume was too busy thinking about the act of confessing without considering the contents of it. Here comes the overthinking again. "Tell me how you did it, then."
Natsume spent the next two nights holed up in Ruka's room.
"You should write a letter," Ruka suggested.
Natsume grimaced. "What is this? Grade school? I want to say it to her face."
"Write a script then. So that your thoughts are coherent."
And so he did. After Ruka finally gave his 'experienced-confessor' seal of approval, Natsume decided to immediately follow through with his plan.
He paced the hallway of Mikan's rented apartment, giving a final read of his script. He took a deep breath, pocketed the paper and rang her doorbell.
We started out as friends, just talking, but over the last couple of years I slowly realised that there was something special between us. You're my best friend. And I want us to be more. I want you-
The door opened. "Natsume!" Mikan greeted him with a bright, welcoming smile. "Did you text that you were coming over?"
She was wearing her favourite yoga pants and his hoodie that he 'conveniently' left behind some time ago. It practically drowned her figure. So fucking cute.
His heart was pounding again. "No," he replied. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something."
"Oh, yeah?" Mikan widened her door, gesturing for him to come in.
Natsume hesitated. "Is this a good time for you?"
"Since when do you care?" Mikan tilted her head. They had never felt intrusive at each other's places. That's the package of being best friends.
"Right. I don't." He entered and promptly took off his shoes.
"You're being weird again… So, what's up?"
Natsume didn't think he was going to confess so soon- but this is it. If she says no, he could just leave in three easy steps. He lightly patted his pants pocket, feeling the shape of the folded paper. "Mikan. We-"
"Is that Natsume?"
"Oops, I forgot to mention that Koko and Kitsuneme are here."
"Natsume, my man! I haven't seen you since the party." Koko proceeded to drag him to the living room. A random movie was playing and there were snacks - both opened and sealed - on the coffee table.
Natsume didn't bother to hide his displeasure. "Why the fuck are you guys here?"
"We were out of snacks," Kitsuneme quipped.
"Oh, fuck off."
"Rude." Koko plopped back down on the couch, clearly unperturbed. "Come on, sit! We haven't had movie nights since forever!"
"Sorry, Natsume. They came pretty much unannounced too," Mikan grimaced.
"It's…fine," he sighed. Except it's really not. Natsume wondered if God had taken back his blessing.
Mikan glanced at the two boys who were now back to watching the movie. She then whispered to Natsume, "What was it that you wanted to tell me? Is it important?"
It is. "Not really. I'll tell you later." He would accept this snag for now. Natsume nudged Mikan to the couch, and they sat side by side, joining the movie watch.
Mikan let out a little happy sigh as she snuggled up with Natsume.
An hour later, Natsume still couldn't tell what the movie was about because first, Mikan was resting her head on his shoulder throughout the whole movie. And two, he kept running through the script in his mind while touching his folded script through his pants.
"That was a good watch!" Koko stretched as he stood up from the couch. "Cola, anyone?"
"I already drank the last one," Mikan said, lifting her head off Natsume's shoulders.
"Here." Natsume quickly dug a few dollars from his pocket. "Go buy some from the vending machine in the lobby. Kitsuneme, you go with him."
"What? Why?" Kitsuneme whined.
Natsume kicked Kitsuneme's shin. "Because."
Koko merrily skipped to the front door, while Kitsuneme grumbled some profanity to Natsume's bossiness.
Good. Leave. "Take your time!" Natsume called as they closed the door.
Mikan was now picking up the many trash littered on the coffee table. "Can you take the glasses, Natsume?"
He followed her to the kitchen. Mikan thanked him as she proceeded to wash the glasses.
Natsume looked around, ensuring there was no one to cockblock him now.
"Oh! What was it that you wanted to tell me just now?" Mikan asked.
"Right. So…" I can do this, he thought. He patted his pocket again. It was becoming a sense of comfort to him, knowing that whatever he would say would at least be coherent. Only to find there was no feel of the folded paper. He dug into his pocket, but there was nothing inside. He patted his other pocket. Then the back ones. His jacket was hung by the front door. "Um…"
"Natsume? You were saying?"
It's not like he didn't memorise the damn thing, but the sudden loss of his dependency made his mind scramble. "Uh, you see, Mikan. You and I…We're friends."
"Okay…?"
"And we've been friends for a while. So…what I'm trying to say is, we should, you know…"
Mikan seemed to suddenly realise something. Her eyes turned hopeful and she was holding back a huge grin. "Keep going," she urged.
But her encouragement had the opposite effect on Natsume. Instead of feeling reassured, he felt pressured. This wasn't how he wanted to say it. He could do better. He should do better.
"We should hang out more often before the year ends," he said instead. She deserves better than this.
"Oh." Mikan frowned. "Sure."
An awkward silence ensued, one that rarely happened between them. Thankfully, the front door swung open, Koko and Kitsuneme returning with a handful of carbonated drinks.
Koko passed a can to Natsume. "By the way, Mochu is hosting another party at his frat. Next week, New Year's Eve. The whole gang."
Natsume absently nodded, unable to look at Mikan anymore.
"Tsubasa too." Kitsuneme added.
"What? Why?" Natsume frowned.
"Why not? He's pretty cool."
"He's not really part of the group, is he?"
Kitsuneme laughed. "And what are you, the leader? C'mon man, lighten up."
Natsume merely scowled. He felt shitty enough right now. He didn't need any more reasons.
Kitsuneme and Mikan went back to the living room, discussing the movie they watched.
"Here," Koko said, returning Natsume's change. "Thanks! Also, there was this weird poetry thingy in between all your cash-"
Natsume immediately snatched it. "Just some trash I found on the road on the way here. To save the environment."
"Huh. Weird. Never thought you cared about that."
Natsume decided to halt his plans for a while. He was sure he would do it somewhere down the line…but right now, he felt very much dispirited.
He still spent much of his time with Mikan - in between classes, at nights - and sometimes he felt that she was looking at him expectantly. He tried to quell his hopes, his confidence had been shaken and he needed time to recompose himself.
Soon, Mochu's New Year's Eve party had come, and Natsume spent the first hour nursing two cups of Kitsuneme's weird concoction at his usual wall while being chastised by Ruka. He has truly reached rock bottom.
"You still haven't told her?" Ruka whisper-yelled.
"No. The script thing was stupid, by the way."
"Do it without the script then."
"You were the one who told me to say something 'romantic and sentimental'," Natsume air-quoted. "An intro before confessing, or whatever."
"Okay, so that's a bust. Doesn't mean you should give up!"
"And I think she totally knows too. And now it feels weird to say it with her knowing." Natsume watched Mikan as she chatted with Nonoko. "Why can't she confess instead?" he grumbled.
Ruka sighed. "Dude, Mikan's a hopeless romantic. She wants you to make the first move. Believe me, even if you fumble it, she can pick up the pieces. All she wants is for you to take the first step."
Natsume frowned. "And how the hell do you know this?"
"I have my source."
Damn Hotaru, Natsume thought. "You couldn't have given me this advice the first time?"
"Well, my source said I'm bad at giving advice and therefore should always consult her first," Ruka shrugged. "Just do it. Don't you want to start 2023 with a girlfriend? And a kiss?"
Natsume nodded. He does want to start his year with Mikan, that's a fact. But as a friend or a girlfriend? He was content with the former, but truly, really wanted the latter.
"Also, cool it with the drinks, Natsume. That's already your third."
Ruka left Natsume with his thoughts after that. Probably to get a new year's kiss from his 'source', Natsume thought. He soon ditched the wall, and trudged to the backyard. Miraculously, it was empty. Everyone was inside, waiting for the countdown together.
He sat on the landscape stairs, appreciating the night chill while finishing off his beer.
"There you are," a soft voice behind him called. He didn't need to turn around to know that it was Mikan. She sat down beside him, their hips touching, before handing him a bottle of water. "So, is this three-drink or four-drink Natsume?"
Natsume begrudgingly showed three fingers.
"Oof, the extra grumpy Natsume."
He grunted as she giggled. She was rubbing her shoulders, clearly her long sleeves were not enough to combat the cold.
Natsume sighed and took off his jacket. He draped it on her without a word.
"Oh? Grumpy Natsume can still be sweet, huh?" she teased. Mikan gratefully put on the jacket.
She was hoping for their usual banter, but he still remained silent.
"What's up with you? You've been acting weird since that party."
Weird, he thought. He was ready to put his heart out but she called it weird. It pissed him off. "You're the one who's weird. And stupid."
But Mikan was patient with him tonight, aware that he was tipsy - maybe even drunk. "And why's that?"
"Because you hang out with that stupid Andou way too much. Because you let Koko and Kitsuneme barge into your apartment like it's nothing. Because Ruka made me write those stupid lines when all I wanted was to say that…" he faltered.
"That…?" Mikan urged.
He finally snapped. "That you're beautiful. And when I say you're stupid, I really mean you're funny. And you drive me fucking crazy. I spent weeks trying to tell you. Why is it so hard?" He was slurring his words now, and Natsume couldn't think straight. Not like he was thinking straight ever since he realised his feelings for her.
Mikan bit her lip to stifle a giggle. "Okay, Natsume. You're officially drunk. Drink that water."
Natsume did. He took three big gulps and continued, "I want us to be best friends and more. Shit, Mikan. I'm in love with you."
Right then, the fireworks started, signaling the beginning of a new year. The sudden boom caught both of them by surprise. Natsume even accidentally spilled some water on his shoes.
Mikan smiled and took the bottle from him. She set it down before intertwining their hands together. "I was waiting for you to say that. But how about we settle for a 'happy new year' and tomorrow you can tell me all about it again when you're sober?"
Natsume grunted, eyes fixated on their laced fingers.
"Happy new year, Natsume." Mikan reached to peck his cheek.
That seemed to knock some sense into him. "Can I kiss you now?"
"I don't think you would remember it. How about we save that for tomorrow?"
And Mikan was right. Kitsuneme must have mixed three different kinds of alcohol because Natsume barely remembered anything from last night. He was fortunate enough to wake up without a headache.
Natsume soon realised he was lying on Mikan's couch. She probably had a hard time bringing him back here last night.
"Good morning, drunkard." Mikan greeted while offering him a glass of water.
"Thanks." The first taste of clean water made him realise how thirsty he was. He tried to recollect last night's memories as he drank. He remembered talking to Ruka, and sitting in the backyard…
"You don't remember, do you?" Mikan snickered.
And it hit him like a truck. I confessed. Fuck. "Can you…tell me how it went? Because I don't remember how it ends."
Mikan laughed. She dutifully reminded him all the things he said. Natsume was feeling hot by the minute. He asked if he could confess again, and he did. Much more eloquent this time.
And he finally got his new year's kiss.