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·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧
A warm, peaceful relief filled the living room as Jinsol click ed Sooyoung’s apartment door shut behind the last guests. The early morning sunlight streamed through the windows, reflecting off the plastic decorations and empty glasses that littered the living room.
Jinsol turned around and leaned on the door and gave a content smile. She gave her congratulations with the mock-reverence of a half-executed fist bump, “You did it!"
Sooyoung returned a nod, head heavy. “We did, huh?”
This year had been Sooyoung’s greatest New Year’s Eve extravaganza she had hosted yet and, by consequence, the most exhausting. For Sooyoung, there was no euphoria that quite matched throwing the perfect event for her friends—their awe year after year practically kept her going until the next.
Jinsol had tried to encourage her to be less hard on herself.
Jeong Jinsol. The ex’s coworker-turned-friend-turned-companion who had been no less than her rock for the past couple of months. It all started from a date they had as a joke. “If you don’t know how to take a girl on a date, let me show you how—for practice.” she had suggested. Neither of them knew that that evening would result in Jinsol spending as many nights in Sooyoung’s apartment as her own in whatever their relationship had become since. Sooyoung wouldn’t have it any other way, especially after… well, Sooyoung told herself she wouldn’t think about that anymore.
Something that sounded like a high-heeled shoe tumbled down the staircase in the corridor beyond the main door. From the kitchen, Sooyoung met Jinsol’s wide eyes. Suddenly, a muffled cacophony of laughter accompanied the ruckus. The last friends to leave, Jiwoo and Yeojin, who had been carrying their shoes as they stumbled out, assisted by a surprisingly doting Hyeju.
Last night was the first time Sooyoung had seen most of them in months.
Seeing the humored smile surface on Jinsol’s face caused the corners of Sooyoung’s mouth to turn upwards as well. Something about the giddy way Jinsol’s grin caused Sooyoung to feel made her forget the throbbing pain that had made residence in her head over the past hour.
Their captivated gazes lingered on each other for a few seconds more. Sooyoung knew from the strange magnetism she felt that a kiss right now could send her right to heaven. But, instead, the two shared a sigh of release and the host resumed the cleaning they had begun as the party wound down.
Sooyoung took up the broom and dustpan as Jinsol collected the abandoned drinks from around the couch and foyer. As tedious as squatting down and sweeping up a rainbow of glitter was (of course, Sooyoung had to go overboard with all the little details for her best party yet), it wasn’t so bad to her if it meant she could hear Jinsol quietly singing to herself in the other room.
Jinsol came around the counter with her arms full of bottles and cans. “Sooyoung,” she said tenderly. She placed the waste in the recycling bin and stood close, but only placed a couple fingers on Sooyoung’s hip as she stood up. “Shower and slip into something more comfortable. I’ll get this to a good stopping point, okay?”
“You don’t need to—” Sooyoung tried to protest, but trailed off. She couldn’t turn down the little ways Jinsol cared for her, especially when she knew it was just the thing she needed. Something about Jinsol’s touch made Sooyoung want to lean into her, drawn into complete envelopment in the other’s arms. But a tingling in Sooyoung’s chest also made her want to pull away as quickly as she could.
“Okay,” was ultimately the word she breathed out in response.
With a swift pivot, she returned to her room and reached back to unzip her minidress in the mirror. The reflection looking back at her was lithe—no, more than that: skinny—with deep gray pools under her eyes. Hopefully her guests assumed it had just been smudged mascara on her face and not the exhaustion that had plagued her since the beginning of autumn.
Sooyoung pulled on an oversized navy blue sweatshirt with some tacky aquarium graphic on the front of it—the sweatshirt that Jinsol had come over wearing yesterday morning. She grabbed at the ratty collar and pulled it to her nose and inhaled deep. Cotton, cedarwood, jasmine. A hint of sweat. Perfection, or at least the closest she had known to it these days.
She slipped it off over her head and carried it into her bathroom with a clean pair of sweatpants. A scalding hot shower is just what she needed after last night.
Last night was great in almost every way. Compared to her past few New Years’, this party had a record number of guests, drinks, and decorations. Never before had the party gone past sunrise. For the first time, she had some of her friends perform music live. Hell, she even had the event professionally catered this time around. After all the stress her friends experienced over the past few months—with new opportunities in school and their careers—something like this was exactly what they needed to let go and kick off the new year.
Sooyoung thought hosting something like this was just what she needed too. But then why did she still feel so raw?
Once a translucent mist engulfed the room around her, she turned the water off.
She walked out of the bathroom, met by the chill of air conditioning and the sound of scrubbing somewhere down the hallway. After a few steps outside her door, she found Jinsol hunched over in the guest bathroom with a collection of cleaning products near the toilet. She was still in her velvet jumpsuit.
“You look good in that sweatshirt.” Jinsol admired Sooyoung’s simple outfit as if it were a wedding dress, her tired eyes beaming up with pride.
Sooyoung leaned on the doorframe, still confused by the scene before her. “What are you doing?”
“Remember when Heejin challenged Hyunjin to pong? Heejin’s dinner… didn’t last long after. Or her aim, apparently.”
Sooyoung rolled her eyes and gave a huff, overwhelmed at the humble act of generosity before her. This is where she would normally want to object and insist on cleaning up the whole apartment herself. But she couldn’t bring herself to it today.
In the restroom mirror, Sooyoung saw her eyes were pink and puffy in the fluorescent light.
Jinsol pulled herself up with a soft grunt. “I’m done in here if you need something. I was just gonna use your shower next, if you don’t mind—”
“Of course,” Sooyoung assured. She tugged her fingertips on Jinsol’s pockets. “But meet me on the couch after, okay?”
Jinsol nodded. As she moved to exit, the two stood close for a moment, faces hovering inches apart. Out of her own caution for Sooyoung, Jinsol didn’t usually make the first move between them when it came to physical touch. But Sooyoung, not one to ask for much, sometimes just wished Jinsol would sweep her off her feet with a display of hungry affection that matched the chemical feeling inside herself.
Sooyoung stepped to the left toward the living room and Jinsol took a right to head to Sooyoung’s bathroom. With the sound of water cutting on, she curled up on the couch and anchored her fingers in her wet hair.
For her, getting swept up in a project like a grand celebration was usually just what she needed to get her mind off the ghosts haunting her mind. After all, she’d spent the latter half of the past year throwing herself into perfecting her skills in music and cooking. She started and stuck to a rigorous gym routine. Even became a meticulous bullet journaler. All the new routines she tried salved, but nothing cured her.
“ What if we looked into finding you a nice therapist? I have a few web pages saved on my laptop we can look at, ” Jinsol had suggested some time ago. Sooyoung had ultimately changed the subject at that time, never taking her up on the offer. But now it was on her mind again.
This was Sooyoung’s first New Year’s Eve party without Jungeun. At the end of the day, it was no secret that something was different.
Kim Jungeun. The stranger-to-best-friend-to-lover-to-enemy-to-stranger. The whirlwind of the past year and what felt like would be an ongoing storm for the rest of her life. From Valentine’s Day to mid-July, the couple had taken three separate breaks in their relationship. A couple dozen missed calls and messages that Jungeun stopped returning by August. Sooyoung couldn’t believe that it was at the New Year’s party last year that she was showing Jiwoo pictures of engagement rings she had been considering for her.
Last night at the party, no amount of loud music, hors d'oeuvres, or cocktails could take a lingering memory of Jungeun out of the recesses of her mind—and trust her, she tried. Sooyoung caught herself instinctively performing Jungeun’s mannerisms. She found Jungeun’s vernacular in the way her words came out. She almost told a story about Jungeun from the New Year’s extravaganza three years back before Hyeju gave her a concerned look that stopped her in her tracks.
In that instant, Sooyoung heard the water cut off in the other room and felt a chill as she remembered. She told herself she wasn’t supposed to think about those things.
Inhale. She would be okay. She had gotten through enough before, and this time she had Jinsol by her side. Exhale.
Jinsol sauntered into the living room in one of Sooyoung’s old university shirts and the pajama pants she’d left here last week. Something about Jinsol making herself comfortable in Sooyoung’s own apartment made her feel more at home too.
“Where’d you get that shirt?” she teased, a slight tremor in her remark. Her own voice came out smaller than she’d intended.
“Oh, nowhere special.” Jinsol gently sat next to the blanketed pile on the sofa that was Sooyoung. “Just my favorite place to get my clothes these days.”
She leaned forward, resting her chin on Sooyoung’s leg, watching her—no, studying her—through soft, half-lidded eyes.
She hesitated for a few beats, meditating on her words before she said them. “So… how was all that?”
Sooyoung’s gaze trailed around her living room, tinsel and balloons strung around and glittering in the brightening sunlight as midday approached. Tucked under the coffee table was a polaroid of Chaewon in a cheap tiara.
“It was fine. I’m just… glad it’s over, I think.” Sooyoung squinted at the forgotten picture. In the background, Yerim had pulled close a very startled Hyunjin, planting a lipstick-smearing kiss on her cheek. “I’m not sure I can do this again next year though.”
Jinsol had told Sooyoung a couple weeks back that she didn’t have to throw the party this year if she didn’t want to. But when Sooyoung insisted, Jinsol dutifully gave her support, never voicing opposition and assisting where she had the chance.
From Jungeun, she would have expected an ‘ I told you so ’ in this moment. Instead, Jinsol gave a thoughtful nod. “That’s okay. Totally okay.”
Sooyoung let out a shallow breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.
Jinsol sat up, drawing her lip forward in a subtle pout. “Can I be needy?”
“Yeah, of course, what do you need?”
Jinsol looked down sheepishly, but the apples of her cheeks grew plump and rosy with a slight smile. “Can I get my New Year’s kiss now?”
A silent “ oh ,” escaped Sooyoung.
Sooyoung didn’t kiss Jinsol last night. Not for any lack of interest, not by any means. They had shared a dozen kisses or so. But things with Jungeun were so recent, and she wasn’t ready to risk as much as a raised eyebrow from her friends who had watched her accidentally create a quiet tension among them as the friend group fell apart. So Sooyoung stood apart from Jinsol as the rest of the partygoers kissed and clinked glasses. In that moment, she had wanted nothing more but to be alone together.
“Yes,” Sooyoung assured quickly, giving her head a quick shake back to reality. “Yes, Jinsol, I’d like that very much.”
Jinsol lurched forward, Sooyoung pulling the other woman into her lap. Jinsol’s hands crawled up her torso and cradled Sooyoung’s jaw as she held her face to her own. She tasted faintly of champagne and her own lip balm.
A youthful excitement fluttered in Sooyoung’s chest—the same one she forgot about for years until that first date with Jinsol. This moment, holding Jinsol close and pulling herself deeper and deeper into her orbit, was better than anything she could have experienced at the end of the countdown a few hours prior.
Sooyoung leaned back by a fraction, swiping her thumb along Jinsol’s cheek. Her cheeks plumped and blushed under the touch.
“Next year, yeah?”
Sooyoung didn’t know what the year would hold. Hell, she couldn’t have ever predicted the emotional whirlwind of the past year, her own confusion and the isolation as she tried to piece together broken hearts, fumbling and failing to fix them. Moreover, Sooyoung certainly didn’t know that she could find the perfect thing to get her back on her feet in the form of an old acquaintance. But what she did know was that she had grown so much with Jinsol by her side in so little time.
And Sooyoung would do what she could to hold onto this for as long as time would permit.
“Of course, next year.”
·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧