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Uki hated change. He loved the consistency that his psychic powers gave him. Change reminded him too much of the laboratory. The white rooms, where surprises were feared more than appreciated. He didn’t like them, nobody liked them. Some went back to their rooms, bloodied, and bruised, while others were gone completely. It was normal, even when it made their stomachs wrench in discomfort at seeing a friend disappear. Even when the screams of agony from down the halls haunted them in their nightmares. They had to act normal, for their sakes. The day he escaped from that hell was euphoric. He could finally travel to the places he always dreamed of and meet new friends with whom he could find comfort.
However, he never knew how much his past truly affected him. Certain habits carried on as he grew. He was scared to feel the fear and pain he did back in the laboratory. He ran away from life when it became too much and when the emotions were too much for him to bear. He was fine with giving up everything: friends and opportunities. He had convinced himself that those losses were necessary to live the life he wanted.
Selfish, he’d call himself. He was always thinking of himself and forcing the people around him to deal with the problems. He always left when the situation was at its most vulnerable. It was easier this way for him, to take a step down rather than forward.
Then there came Noctyx, a rag-tag group of people with whom he became friends after finding himself in the past. He’d made himself believe that this group was no different than the rest. He’d play around with them, have some fun, then once some sort of change occurred, he’d leave. Consistent. That was until he realized how much he cared for them. How much they made him feel alive. How his heart warmed when they smiled, how even when Uki cried they were there to wipe those tears away. They were the rope pulling him into a comforting abyss. Then there was Fulgur. The man he loved more than the stars above. When he got annoyed over small changes within the circle, Fulgur would sit and listen for hours as he ranted away his frustrations. He’d stay up late to make Uki a warm cup of milk when the stargazer couldn’t sleep. The cyborg filled his stomach with butterflies, fluttering up to his heart where Fulgur held a gentle grip. His skin lit on fire with his every touch, and his kind words made Uki squeal happily the rest of the day. Fulgur was everything to Uki. He made him accept himself, accept love, and accept change.
“Fuufuu-chan, it’s okay. We’ll figure something out.” He reassured his partner, placing his warm hand against the cold metal of the cyborg’s arm. It brought a chill down his spine, but he liked it. He loved the fact that Fulgur was colder compared to him. He always ran too hot, and the feeling of the brisk metal again his skin was delightful.
“I’m not too sure. The batteries back in the future were hard enough to come by, but in the past?” He frowned, tightening the grip of his hands as they clasped together. His metal plates clinked against each other as they rubbed. “I doubt we'll find any.”
Uki could feel the pit in his stomach grow as Fulgur’s silence continued. He was sure everyone else felt the same—wearing worried expressions as they crowded around Fulgur.
“I have a suggestion, but I don’t know if you want to hear it.” He spoke once more. There was this sort of hope, a possibility that the next words he’d spit out would be a simple answer to their problems. Yet, as Fulgur looked up at all of them, they knew that it wouldn’t be possible. That hope dulled back into an aching discomfort. “What if… I shut down my system. At least until we find a new energy source.”
Uki was utterly baffled by his absurd suggestion. Unsure of what to say, the rest of the other members of Noctyx made hesitant nods. Though, it was clear that no one wanted this to happen, or wanted this to be their future.
“I know you’re mad.” Fulgur leaned against the doorway, mechanical arms crossed. The black sleeveless top showed off the perfect matte shine of his arm plates. Just a bit of his actual skin showed near the thick straps of his black tank top.
Uki sulked on his bed. His gloomy mood created a dark aura around his bright violet room. As he lay on his side, stuffing his purple pillow against his face, he groaned to Fulgur in response.
Fulgur huffed out a small laugh and slid himself closer to Uki on the bed, his hand came down to push away the pillow, revealing Uki’s pouting expression.
Fulgur smirked at his cute face. “Hi, love.”
“No.” Uki frowned.
“No, what?”
“No, I don't want you to go.”
Fulgur sighed. He knew that this would be a problem. He placed a hand on Uki’s back, sliding it down against his black sweater. “I know you don’t, but we don’t have any other choice.”
Uki hated the way Fulgur knew how to comfort him, how his soothing voice was enough to put his worries at ease. “I still hate it though.” He sat up, climbing himself onto Fulgur’s lap and rounding his arms around Fulgur’s torso, where he gently squeezed. With their chests pressed up against each other, Uki snuggled into the warmth of his body. As he nuzzled his face into Fulgur’s neck, there was this odd duality between the metal around his throat and the pale skin of his human parts. The cold metal was chilled on his cheek, but his skin warmed it up. Fulgur huffed at the ball of fluff that held on to him like a koala to a tree, his arms automatically moving to hug him. “Not being able to see you every day, be with you, give you kisses and hugs.”
“You’ll still be able to see me.” He reasoned.
Uki burrowed his face into his partner’s shoulder, wrinkling the loose top as he did. “It’s not the same.” He whined.
Fulgur could feel disappointment radiating from Uki’s body. He knew Uki was nervous about the sudden big change. He understood how scared he was, how it seemed to overwhelm him to the point of insanity. Fulgur was no stranger to these sorts of emotions. He’d seen it at its peak with Vox. That frustration of having been blind to see how much suffering Vox had gone through, and him, being ignorant enough to rile the demon up. He’d seen how Vox ran away from his issues, and now, Fulgur feared that Uki may do the same.
“Baby.”
Uki hummed.
“Baby, look at me,” Fulgur repeated, feeling Uki loosen his grip around his waist. He let Uki pull away and tilt his head upwards. Fulgur stared into his lover's glassy eyes. He gently placed a cold hand on his cheek and the psychic leaned into the touch. “Love, I want to spend my life with you if I could, but I can’t with the energy I have now. So please, wait for me, okay? When we find a better battery source, I’ll be back.” He could still see Uki’s hesitance, the wrinkle on his forehead from scrunching his brows gave him away. Fulgur held a fond smile whilst planting a small kiss on those creases. His lips pressed against Uki’s forehead, he continued, “Promise me you’ll wait for me. Promise me you won’t leave, because when I wake up, I want to know you’ll be the first person I see.”
The dam was broken, and Uki’s heart soon flooded with more emotions than he could handle. Overwhelmed, he tried to stop the tears from falling. He tried to convey his thoughts, tried to tell Fulgur that he’d wait for him, forever if he had to. However, he choked on his words, feeling a dry burn in his throat that made it hurt to speak. The harsh sounds of his sobs were the only thing able to be heard. Unable to talk, with his throat closing up on him, he cried more. He buried himself into his lover’s chest, clutching onto Fulgur as if he were to disappear at any moment. As he sobbed out his frustrations, he only then noticed how the metal he thought was so cold finally turned warm.
No words needed to be said, as Fulgur understood Uki’s thoughts. He could only hug the psychic as he cried. He could only listen to the sobs of his partner turn into small hiccups before silence, how his rapid breaths slowed to match his. Even when the day turned to night, even when he heard the door to the bedroom creak open and the small chattering of footsteps just outside, he kept on holding Uki in his arms. His arms stayed wrapped tightly around his lover and he pressed his warm body against his cold skin. The haunting cries of Uki brought him back to the past. He remembered the many nights of having to hold onto Vox’s arm and drag him back to his apartment when he drank himself to death. Fulgur had to lock the windows and doors because he knew that Vox would try to meet his friends once more. In those times, he never truly cared. He only saw the responsibility as nothing more than just a favour that he could cash in later. He didn’t feel any remorse when he left. Yet now that he was holding Uki so close, he didn’t want to let go. They only had so much time together before they’d need to part.
Devoid of all thoughts, he focused on his breathing. Every so often, he’d find himself reminded of the earlier conversation. It was like he was threatening to tip over the edge, ready to fall at any moment. As his arms trembled, the metal plates clanged as they collided. He pulled Uki in tighter, and the tears he swore he wouldn’t show became smeared against Uki’s black wool sweater. Taking in heavy breaths through his gritted teeth, he pleaded, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” It was like a chant, Fulgur apologizing to his sleeping lover over and over again. The mantra didn’t go unnoticed by the three bodies that sat just outside. They leaned against each other as they listened to Fulgur’s anguish. Their hearts were heavy, and their minds swam in a thick fog. Only the comfort of being around each other warmed the cold hallway.
When the sun rose, there was a reluctance to move. The five stayed in the same positions as they did the night before, awake but unmoving. However, they knew they couldn’t wait it out any longer.
The five huddled around Fulgur’s room, taking turns bidding farewell to their dear friend. All except for Uki, who’d been quiet the entire time. Everyone could see the puffiness around his eyes, but no one commented on it. He smiled throughout it all, not once did he falter. When it became time, Uki hung onto Fulgur’s arm, shaking like a leaf in the wind. His cheek was pressed firmly against the cold metal.
Fulgur stared down at his lover, placing one last kiss on his forehead. “You not gonna say goodbye to me?”
“No, I don’t want this to be a goodbye.”
Fulgur took a second just to memorize his face, the way his clear skin was like smooth marble. He wished that there was some sort of feeling in his hands. He imagined what it would feel like to brush the back of his fingers on Uki’s cheek and push away the stray hairs that fell in front of his face. He imagined feeling Uki’s warmth underneath his fingertips whenever they embraced. Wishful thoughts, he’d imagine Vox saying to him. “No, this is a see you later.”
“We’ll find a new battery for you. Wait for us, okay?” Yugo reassured him.
He looked out at the grim faces of his friends, no, his family . “I’ll wait as long as you need, I trust you guys.”
Uki refused to go into Fulgur’s room after that day. Lying under his blanket, he cried into his pillow, remembering the smiling face of his lover. If his sobs echoed slightly through the hallway, no one mentioned it. The other three wanted to help him, but they couldn’t bring themselves to invade Uki’s sacred space. Especially at such a vulnerable time. However, it wasn’t as if they didn’t try. They did, yet, the heaviness of their burdens held them down. Yugo’s stomach ached with emptiness, but no appetite or desire to eat. Alban spent his time in his room, forcing his eyes shut every time he awoke, in hopes that the days would blend together and he’d wake up to a better day. Meanwhile, sleep had completely evaded Sonny. Guilt consumed his consciousness, and even when his body became fatigued, he pushed on.
Sonny felt like there was a sort of advantage to his sudden insomnia. He gained more hours in his workday. He had more time to search for a new battery, anything that could bring his friend back. When frustration hit, he’d shove his things off his desk with a loud grunt. The sleepless anger snapped like a thin string. A string that aided in holding his composure together, until the thread wore too much for it to continue holding on and all the stress hit him all at once. He’d entangle his hands in his hair, and scratch until his scalp felt raw and his fingers were tinted red. The routine would repeat over and over. Each time, he only felt more guilt. This destructive state was the only thing that kept him going. He feared that if he took a break, his mind would wander to dangerous places, and he’d fall into depression. Sometimes, Alban would find Sonny at his desk, typing away on his computer. When the stars had dulled, and the clock struck midnight, he’d come over to place a warm cup of tea gently on his table without disturbing the officer. Alban assumed that he was too engrossed in his work to truly care about the appearance of a new cup near him. However, every morning, Yugo would find a used mug in the kitchen sink, empty of what looked to be tea, unbeknownst to the thief.
Some days, Alban would stumble down to the kitchen, where a certain blue-haired singer would be cooking. He’d watch the DJ hunched over the stove, smiling as he cooked. The pleasant aroma accompanied by the warm steam let off from whatever was boiling reminded the two members of the many dinner nights they’d have together. They all hurried around the kitchen as they quickly set the table, or prepare the last of the ingredients. Uki would scream at everyone irritatedly to get out in case of a slip. There would be stupid wheezing that not only came from the kettle but the cyborg that watched as his three team members frantically battled to get the better plate. Yugo smiled throughout the process only to frown once he was done. He felt lonely eating without others sitting at the table. Every time he saw the empty chairs, all the hunger in his stomach, the aches, and grumbles would disappear. The only thing left behind was sadness. His body was void of other emotions than just numbing sadness. He felt like a hypocrite for leaving meals in the fridge with little notes telling everyone to help themselves, but never taking any for his own.
Alban felt like he was living in a haze of guilt. He could see the way everyone suffered but had no idea how to help them, let alone help himself. Every day since they’d last seen their cyborg, he slept off the stress, forcing his body to rest more than it needed or wanted. He woke up ravenous, with a limp, sluggish body. A need for food, yet he didn’t feel like moving. So instead, he took large gulps from the water bottle next to him, letting it settle in his stomach before going back to bed. The shaking in his cold hands and the growls of discomfort kept him awake most of the day, but after a while, his body would succumb to the feeling and fall right back into his unwanted slumber.
Uki was handed the short end of the stick. Some days, he’d sleep for hours and refuse to wake up, while other days he’d be plagued by the sweet memories of his lover. Unwilling to let those memories go, he’d stay awake. The only things he was willing to get up for were the necessities, but even then, he’d willingly go hungry at times, starving himself until it became too much for his body to bear. On occasions, he’d open his door just a tad to see a bowl of cold food sitting outside his door waiting for him.
It took days, days for them to even talk to each other again. It started with simple greetings. The air within the house was dense, no longer were there the familiar screams of friends playing video games in front of the TV screen, and nor were there the whispered flirts between the cyborg and the psychic. The only sounds were the creaks of the house, and sometimes the clanking of dishes from the kitchen when Yugo was in there.
They were strangers in their own house.
Uki was tired of being trapped in his daze of grief. Fulgur's jacket no longer smelt like him. The leather wrapped around his body as his hands gripped it in place. Desperate to be around his lover again, he stood. His wobbly legs almost caused him to fall over, but he persisted, dragging his weak body across the hall. He passed by the open door to Alban’s room where the thief had been laying awake on his bed, staring at the wall, hoping to fall back asleep. Alban noticed the sudden movement at his door. He moved his gaze to the other boy, the shock of seeing him for the first time in a while got him throwing off the covers and rushing to reach Uki. The purple boy’s shaking hand moved from holding the collar of the jacket to the door knob of Fulgur’s room. He gently twisted the knob, revealing a dim room, where only the light from the window lit the area. From where the sun’s rays hit the floor, little particles of dust danced, flying around like leaves in the wind. He shuffled in, looking towards the bed where Fulgur sat, his back against the black metal bars of his bed frame. His head was tilted to the side but it rested upon the wall. He was still in the same clothes as he was in before, a black sleeveless top and gray sweats.
Suddenly overcome with emotions, Uki quickly slid himself toward the cyborg. Placing himself right next to his lover, he rubbed his head against the cold shoulder and let out a relieved sigh. Opening his mouth, he wanted to speak, yet everything he wanted to say was mangled in his brain. Words caught in his throat, but he knew one single thing. The thing he’d been screaming over and over in his head. With a raspy tone, he whispered, “I miss you.” A smile etched itself onto Uki’s face, tears that’d been shed over and over again reappearing once more. He laced his hand with the cold metal of the other man. Uki shivered at the first touch but melted into the familiar feeling.
Alban watched the pitiful display from the crack in the doorway. His eyes threatened to spill over with tears. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to turn away from the door. The sounds of his footsteps pattering through the halls back to his room were completely inaudible to the purple boy, whose only focus was on the warm ambience he was enraptured by.
Morning came, and Uki was still asleep next to his lover. Alban tossed and turned the entire night, a pain pulsating throughout his temple. His body was fatigued and slow to respond, and itching for sleep, but instead, he pulled off the covers and stumbled down the hall to Fulgur’s room. Alban’s loud sniffles were heard echoing through the halls. With a slight push, the door to Fulgur’s room swung open. The slam of the wooden door colliding with the door stopper startled the sleeping boy. Out of his drowsy state, Uki stared up at the miserable shell of his friend.
Alban barely gave the psychic a chance to react before grabbing his arm and pulling him out of bed. He dragged the psychic away from the many bedrooms, through the halls, and down the stairs. Uki desperately tried to call out to the thief, trying to pull away his hand from the tight grip. Though, with every pull, the hand that held his wrist so tightly only continued to grasp harder. At some point, they’d reached the living room. The same living room that everyone had been avoiding for the past two weeks.
“Alban, what the fuck-”
“Sit.”
“What?” Uki said, puzzled.
“Please, sit. I just- I just want us to talk. All of us.” There was an obvious tremble in his voice.
Uki didn’t press any further, but let out a huff instead. He settled onto the larger one of the two couches. Alban walked away, presumably to retrieve the other two people. Uki sat uncomfortably. His grimy skin longed for a shower. He noticed the disgusting feeling of his oily hair clumped together from the days of neglecting his health.
It didn’t take long before Alban came back with the other two. Yugo looked confused, and a little thinner than the last time he saw him. His sunken cheeks rivalled his own. Sonny seemed outright irritated, which was an odd expression on him.
“Why are we here?” Sonny started. When Alban failed to answer without his voice wavering, Sonny’s annoyance only grew. “Seriously, what are we doing here?”
“What happened to us?”
“Alban?”
“I thought we were supposed to work together on this. I thought we were supposed to help each other. I thought we were a team.” He said, desperation on his tongue.
“We are,” Yugo replied.
“It doesn’t feel like it.” In the last 2 weeks, they’d been isolating themselves. Never interacting unless they had to. Truly, they no longer resembled a family. Alban hated it, and he knew everyone else did too. Fulgur would have never wanted this to happen. He never wanted their little family to have been broken apart this way. He was the glue that held them together, ensuring that each person’s needs were met without judgment. Now that glue had been forced apart.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Alban.”
“I want you to say what’s on your mind. Tell me, what went wrong?”
Sonny rubbed his face with his hands, resting his aching head against the rough texture of his palm.
After Uki had stomped away, Yugo and Alban followed, escaping to their rooms to cope with the recent news. It was just Fulgur and Sonny now. Sonny stared down at the cyborg as he towered over him. Guilt boiled in his heart. “You put too much trust in us.” He told him.
“I don’t see anything wrong with it.” Fulgur laughed.
Sonny was amazed by the way his comrade was able to laugh in this situation. “But what if we fail?” He supposed.
“I’m sure you’ll succeed. I believe in you guys.” Fulgur flashed a smile.
Sonny hated his enthusiasm, but it eased his sinking heart just a bit. “I promise you, I will.”
“I’ve done everything, everything I can to bring him back, but nothing is working.” Sonny ranted, his voice getting louder and heated the more he spoke.
“We have time though.” Yugo tried to comfort him.
“We don’t have time! With every passing second, Fulgur could be awake with us. But he isn’t!” His anger heightened the more he talked. The aching worsened.
“We can help, why haven’t you talked to us about this?” Alban questioned.
Sonny’s lip tightened, “I didn’t want to burden you all.”
“You aren’t burdening us with anything.”
“I just- I don’t know.” Sonny groaned, rubbing his knuckles over the tight knots aching in his head.
“Don’t close up on me. Sonny please, you can trust us.” Alban pleaded.
“I can’t-” Sonny couldn’t figure out what else to say. He’d placed his burden on himself for so many weeks. The guilt was still too much for anyone to bear, and he wasn’t willing to pass such a heavy load over to someone else. He didn’t want his regret to grow any more than it already did.
“You don’t trust us,” Alban whispered, a realization only hitting him then.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“That’s exactly what you’re saying, you don’t fucking trust us to help you!”
Yugo desperately tried to be the mediator and prevent the accusatory insult from getting any further. Uki hadn’t moved from his seat, brain filling with a foggy daze that muffled the noise. He didn’t know how long he spent just sitting there in his little abyss.
“And you think Fulgur would appreciate overworking yourself to do it?” Alban said.
“He doesn’t need to know.”
Alban scoffed, “Are you joking? Look at us.” His breath was uneven. “He’ll figure it out eventually.” As much as Sonny and Yugo wanted to deny such claims, they knew Alban was right. Their dishevelled appearance was a lot more obvious than they thought. They’d been wearing grimy clothes for so long that they smelled as if rats had died in their beds. Yugo was most likely the only one out of the four to even seem somewhat cleaned up, but even he didn’t look like he was doing well.
“So what do you suppose we do?” Uki finally spoke. The other three grew silent, Uki hadn’t spoken at all the entire fight. Hearing his rough voice, a stark contrast to his usual softer tone, startled them. “You don’t want us sitting on our asses, what do you suggest we do instead?”
“Hey, Fuufuu-chan.” Uki greeted as he walked into the uncomfortably silent room. Even when he knew there’d be no response, there was still a small hope in the back of his mind that he might hear the voice he yearned to hear once again. Uki seemed neater, having gone straight for the bathroom to shower after the discussion. He no longer felt like his skin had an extra layer of dirt caked on the surface. He felt a lot more refreshed than he had in a while.
Sitting right in front of Fulgur, he stared at the sleeping face of his lover. In all honesty, he didn’t trust himself not to cry immediately when seeing Fulgur. He had to hold off his urge from running to his lover’s room every day, as he feared he’d break down upon seeing him. Yet, now that he was face to face with the person he grieved over, there was no longer a need to cry. The feeling of sadness seemed to take a backseat, and now he only felt a sense of regret. There were so many things he wanted to take back, not saying ‘I love you’ one last time to Fulgur, running away instead of staying with his lover in his last few moments before his consciousness fell to sleep. He regretted leaving the people he loved behind.
“I don’t know what to do anymore.” His throat tightened, wanting to stop the words from coming out. “I thought I knew, but I don’t.” There was a pause as Uki stared down at his hands. “I tried to go back to how things usually were. I can’t, I tried but I can’t. I tried to get up in the morning, I sat at my desk to do my work. I tried doing my make-up too but in the end... I can’t.” He stopped, his nauseous stomach making his tongue feel too dry. “You used to bring me out of it, though. Come into my room and tell me how beautiful I am, place a cup of coffee on my table before kissing me on the cheek.” His throat burned with the vomit that had yet to spill over. “Come back, please. Please tell me what I should do.”
Uki hated how easy it was to let go before, to walk away from the life he worked so hard for. The action was almost automatic, so familiar but so numbing. Even in his depressive state, it was like every happy memory was being thrown in the shredder as he packed whatever he could get his hands on into a small suitcase. It wasn’t as if he wanted to, but his body moved on its own. He was so used to the same scenario each time, building this routine to prepare for what he assumed to be inevitable. Yet, as he held the book he loved to read over and over again, all he could think about was his lover. On rainy nights, when neither of them could sleep, Fulgur would pull out the book, and read it out loud for the psychic. His soothing voice drifted Uki to wonderful sleep, dreaming of a hopeful new day.
Now that same suitcase sat in his closet, still yet to be used. Uki hoped that he would never use it, but as days passed, everything seemed to be pulling him away from the house. From his friends. It was all becoming so unfamiliar.
“I don’t want to leave.” It wasn’t a lie. He didn’t want to lie to himself this time. The feelings and the memories he’d accumulated throughout the months of being there weighed him down, chaining him in place. Leaving was no longer an option he could take. “I don’t want to leave.” If he could tell Fulgur one last thing before he was gone, he’d have told him about much he meant to him, how every waking moment with him brought more than just a smile to his face. “I-I don’t want to leave you.” He pleaded to the stars that watched over him. He hoped that they could somehow send a miracle. A hope, a light in the dark, anything that could bring back his happiness. “I don’t want to leave them.” ‘They’ were his family. He knew the devastation they’d feel if he was gone. He’d seen it in the eyes of his previous friends, seen the betrayal they felt, the anger, the sadness. He was unable to bear witness to it again. He could only hope that this time would be different.
“I’m not going to leave.” The emotional stress got to him a long while ago. However, for once in his life, he was okay with persevering. He was okay with staying, even if it meant crying in the cold arms of his lover every night. Even if that same person wouldn’t be able to caress him with a cold hand, and console his aching heart.
“I promised to see you when you woke up.” Uki often said that he was a selfish person and that he only cared for himself. It was true, he only wished to protect himself, the little innocence he had left. He’d cried before, cried til his cheeks were raw, cried til his eyes were a puffy red and he could no longer see the morning sun, cried til he could no longer cry anymore. He protected himself from that happening once more. “Promised I wouldn’t leave.” It was like everything, all his prior promises were thrown away. Promises to ensure that the walls he built around him wouldn’t crumble, but those walls were cracking. In its place were the vows to his family.
“It was never a goodbye because we will see each other again.”