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Lotus Afterdeath has never felt particularly comfortable in his body. Her body? Their body? They didn't really know.
He had been raised as a girl. Not that his parents didn’t accept him, they just didn’t know, and based on their relationship track record, he didn’t tell them for a long time. He just got used to hearing “Lotus, my daughter”, “she told me”, “she needs to”, she, she , she. He didn’t like being called “she”. It was so uncomfortable, exhausting even, to hear. But he didn’t want things to change, he hated change! So “Lotus, my daughter” it was.
It wasn’t until much later that he would refer to himself as a boy. He didn’t really know where it came from, but when he met Rurik Liderc, he immediately corrected Rurik’s assumption that he was a girl. Corrected? Maybe it wasn’t wrong. All he knows is that in that moment, he felt more like a boy than he ever had. So he told Rurik that he was one.
From then on, it was “Lotus, bro” and “he told me” and “he needs to”. And that felt better than anything in the world. The way Rurik pushed him around and roughhoused and loved him like a boy, felt like Lotus had the whole world in his hands. It felt right. Rurik didn’t know he “wasn’t really” a boy, he just knew that Lotus was Lotus, and that’s all he needed to know.
This bliss - this euphoria - was interrupted one day. He and Rurik had gotten…closer, if the wandering hands and stolen kisses were anything to go by. So here Lotus was, pinned against Rurik’s wall, breathless and warm and floaty and downright euphoric from the simple feeling of being loved and wanted for who you are. Then a hand went up his shirt. Well, fuck. His body froze up; would Rurik still want him if he found out? What if he didn’t think Lotus was a boy anymore? What if- he wouldn’t love him anymore? His cis-facade was torn down by a single skeletal hand.
Maybe he can still hold up his front. Say he wasn’t ready for anything? Or pretend to be tired? Or have to work? But he wanted this. He wanted Rurik, and he didn’t want to feel like hiding anymore. He had to say something, right?
“Lo? Is everything alright?”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now he had to say something. But what is there to say? Yes, no? Lotus didn’t know his answer. He didn’t know what he wanted or how he felt. He didn’t know what to say. But he knew he couldn’t just say nothing.
“Yeah, um- It’s fine. I’m just- thinking.”
Concern. That’s one thing Lotus knew now. The look on Rurik’s face, it was a look of concern. He didn’t want people to be concerned about him. Well, he did, but he was convinced it’d make him a burden.
His thoughts were running too fast to control. Breathe in, breathe out. The hand retreated from under his shirt.
“Do you want me to back off?”
“No! I mean, yeah, but not really? Kind of? I don’t know, I’m sorry, it’s confusing, I’m sorry-”
A hand touched his shoulder. Lotus flinched, and Rurik went to pull his hand away, but Lotus held it there. It startled him, sure, but it was warm. He liked it there.
“Sit down, cupcake. Did something happen?”
Rurik’s bed was a lot softer than he remembered, but maybe it just felt that way because sitting on it was so much less painful than standing. He felt warmer, safer, now that he was sitting down.
“I just- I didn’t know how to tell you this and now it’s important and I regret not telling you sooner and-”
“Lotus. Breathe. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen. Tell me whatever it is you wanna say.”
Just do it, just say it. It’s not a big deal, he won’t hate you, just say it, Lotus.
“I’m trans.”
Shit, shit, shit. This is where he says he hates you, or thinks you’re gross. This is where he misgenders you, or he gets mad for not telling him earlier, for ‘lying’ about who you are. This is where he stops loving you.
“Oh. Okay. Was that all?”
Huh. That wasn’t the reaction Lotus was expecting.
“You’re not…mad?”
“...Why the fuck would I be mad, Lo?”
“I don’t know, I just always thought you’d think I was lying to you or tricking you, or that you’d be grossed out by me, or-”
“Lotus, your biology n’ shit doesn’t matter to me. I don’t think less of you for being trans. I never would. I love you no matter what your gender is.”
He…loves Lotus? Loves? Rurik had never said that out loud. Sure, Lotus hadn’t either, but he definitely wasn’t a talker, or one to make the first move. Rurik was the one who was forward.
“Ah, fuck, it was probably too early to say that, wasn’t it? Eh, who cares, guess what Afterdeath? I love ya’.”
Lotus had no experience with love; no exes, no crushes, nothing. He knew it was supposed to be this magical thing where you knew automatically that you were in love with someone. He’d never felt that. He didn’t feel it with Rurik. But he did feel floaty and warm and safe in Rurik’s arms, and he supposed that might just be love.
“I love you too, I think? I don’t know, really, I’ve never been in love. But, I think? I love you?”
After a moment of silence, Rurik laughs quietly.
“‘I think’ is good enough for me, flower boy.”