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“It’s not a difficult thing to understand, Jinyoung-ssi! You can’t just leave a child all alone at school expecting me to pick him up when you knew you were supposed to do that! How can you not get that through your head?” Sieun’s mother, Yoona yelled from the passenger’s seat. He was held captive in the back listening to his parents argue about each other’s past mistakes.
He was maybe 9 years old when both his parents had forgotten to pick him up from school. It was the first time he took the bus home. He doesn’t blame either of them, although he should, but they could’ve at least called the school to let him know, he waited there in the cold with his teacher for almost an hour.
His father didn’t retaliate for a moment, instead he mumbled under his breath loud enough to be heard, “At least I stayed.” At least I put up with him , was what he wanted to say, Sieun knew. He knew that even through the divorce there was one thing they agreed on, they couldn’t handle him. Sieun’s not sure what he had done wrong, but it was enough for both of his parents not to want to deal with him. Which is why for the Parents/Teacher’s night they both had to come when neither of them wanted to. His teacher has specifically requested to speak with both parents present. Sieun assumed this meant something bad but he couldn’t give a rat’s ass. He wanted to get this night over with.
Not wanting to hear any more of their dispute he put his headphones on and opened up his phone. The first thing to pop up was a text alert.
Suho
You coming to the ptn right? We should talk
Fuck , he thought. He hasn’t spoken to Suho since last Wednesday and in all honesty he wasn’t sure if he was ready to speak to him just yet.
It was Wednesday morning when Sieun, like usual, got to school early. Suho was sleeping on the desks like he normally does after his delivery job during the night before. Sieun sat at his desk and got out his physics books so he could revise the previous lecture.
He barely got any sleep the night before. His mother had come home in search of some documents, she didn’t think she would run into his father who was normally working late on the weekdays. Sieun watched from his room as his mother barely acknowledged his existence. They fought, again. It felt too familiar, it unnerved Sieun. The books he was reading were left unattended and he closed his door then got into his bed.
As much as he tried to block their screams, he couldn’t do it. For years he used to wonder why his mother didn’t just live with them for his sake, because he had missed her but it came crashing down on him that night as he realised that his parents splitting up and leaving each other was a lot better than hearing their scream-offs every night. He felt like a kid again, curled up in his duvet, pillow over his ear, counting down from a thousand.
It went on for almost 2 hours before his mother finally left. Her presence still remained, lurking in the corners of his room, keeping him up all night.
So needless to say, he was exhausted in the morning. And most concerningly, he didn’t want to stay in school. He sat there unmoving, not reading anything for a full hour as students started to pile in.
Sieun wanted out. He couldn’t stay there anymore, he couldn’t sit there and pretend to care about neurons and pythagorean theorems. He just couldn’t. So he put all his books into his bag, stood up ignoring all the eyes on him and rushed out of the classroom.
His chest was heavy and tight, a part of him was urging him to go back in, he couldn’t miss a day of school. He was already there, it would be a waste to just leave. But he didn’t listen. He kept walking in speed through the corridor.
“Sieun-ah!”
He stopped in his tracks.
Suho. Of course it had been him to follow Sieun out. Sieun turned to him and watched as the boy strode over, one hand in his pocket and the other wiping the sleep from his face.
“Where are you going, wack-o? Class is about to start.”
“I know,” he replied shortly. “I can’t stay.”
Suho’s thick eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Why? What’s wrong?”
Sieun inhaled. “Nothing.” Exhale. “I just don’t feel like it.”
Suho nodded in contemplation. “Alright, so where are we going?” he began to walk ahead and Sieun followed him with his eyes. He was a little confused but relieved.
“I don’t know. I was just going to go home.”
Suho stopped, then faced him with a look of disappointment. “Sieun-ah, I understand that this is your first time ditching class but you can’t just go back home. What if your dad’s there?”
He hadn’t thought of that. He’ll probably just say he was sick. His dad would believe him because he never ditches class for anything.
“I’m not really in the mood for anything fun, Suho. I want to clear my mind.” he stated.
“Okay,.. Let me take you somewhere quiet. You want quiet right?” Sieun pursed his lips, then proceeded to nod. Excitedly Suho grabbed his arm and rushed him out of the school doors down to his motorcycle.
Sieun had no idea where Suho was taking him but he used the 30 minutes it took to get there to rest his head on his shoulder and close his eyes. When Suho finally parked the motorcycle and turned off the engine, Sieun noticed that they were at one of the national parks. Sieun isn’t one to go to parks, he always thought it was either too familial or too romantic, he rarely saw individuals there minding their own business– unless they were either homeless or creeps.
“What are we doing here?”
“Just follow me, I got a spot I wanna show you.”
Sieun walked behind in silence, listening to Suho talk about this group of guys he had to deliver food to last night and how they let him in and play some games with them. Sieun didn’t tell him that it sounded like a dumb thing to do in the middle of the night with strangers, he had hoped Suho already knew this. The trek to Suho’s spot took about 10 minutes into the woods before they finally appeared at a clearing.
It was beautiful. The clearing led to a blue lake that sparkled. On the opposite side of the lake were more trees from the rest of the woods. The best part was the silence. Sieun didn’t even have to close his eyes to focus on the way the water sounded as it moved back and forth, the chirping of the birds, or even the insects.
“So, what do you think?”
He took off his bag and dropped it to the ground. “It’s quiet.”
“Yeah.”
They sat down side by side, skidding rocks mindlessly into the lake. Suho brought his legs to his chest and held them by his arms, “So… you gonna tell me what’s wrong?”
“Huh?”
“What’s bothering you?”
“Why do you think something’s bothering me?”
Suho scoffed. “You skipped school. You never skip school.”
That was fair. Sieun brushed the dirt off his hands then crossed his legs and shrugged. “I suppose I’m just tired of it all. This routine. Doing all this work for nothing.” he paused. “My parents were fighting last night.”
There was a look of surprise on his face. “Your mum’s back?”
“She returned for some papers. They fought about my school, about how they’ll have to eventually talk about sending me off to university. I blocked them out for a good portion, I don’t really remember much of what was said.”
“I’m sorry.”
Sieun shrugged again. There was no reason for his friend to apologise. “I just felt physically and mentally exhausted, I don’t think I would’ve been of any use staying in class today.”
“I understand… Good thing I brought you here because I know the best way to let all your thoughts and worries slip away.” with a cheeky smile Suho jumped to his feet then began to slip out of his sneakers with a struggle, then took off his windbreaker and his school shirt leaving him in his trousers and red t-shirt.
Sieun watched in confusion as he placed the items on Sieun’s bag then ran back over to the lake before jumping in.
“Come on, get in! It’s actually warm.”
Sieun thought his friend was losing his mind, no way did he expect Sieun to get into the lake with his clothes on. Were they even allowed to do that? What if a park ranger walked through and saw them?
“Sieun-ah stop overthinking! You said you wanted to forget everything, this is how you do it!”
“Technically, I never said any of that.” Suho looked at him pointedly. His glare was intense, burning at Sieun. He sighed before taking his shoes and socks off then got up and walked over to the water. Suho watched him with wide eyes, “You should take your shirt off.”
“I – don’t have anything underneath.” When Suho didn’t reply, Sieun stepped into the water. He was right, it was a little warm. It felt weird to get into water with his clothes on, it stuck to him in a weird fashion, it didn’t feel right. There was no going back now, he stood in front of Suho.
“Sieun-ah, do you trust me?”
He believed he did. There was nothing about Suho that was unworthy of trust. It would be dramatic to say he trusts him with his life, but on account of how many times Suho had saved his life, it was more than appropriate.
He nodded.
“Okay, so what I want you to do is just lay back on the water-”
“What?”
“I’ll hold you, but you’re gonna have to try and float your whole body.”
Sieun frowned. That didn’t seem very safe. “Why would I do that?”
Suho floated over to him, coming close to his space. “Trust me.” He wrapped one arm around the lower back of Sieun who was taken aback by the contact. “Relax, just lean back. Sieun- Sieun, trust me.” he whispered, their faces so close. Sieun swallowed then lowered his eyes before allowing his body to relax and lean back into the water. Suho’s other arm wrapped behind his legs and pulled them up to the surface until Sieun was flat on top with the help of Suho holding up his weight.
It was a strange feeling. Like his body was there but not there at the same time.
“You feel it?” Suho questioned softly. “I’m gonna let go in a minute but you’ll have to focus on holding yourself up, focus by not focusing at all. Just let your body be, clear your mind and think of absolutely nothing. That’s the only way you can hold this position. Wait,” he paused. “You know how to swim right?”
Sieun looked at him. “Of course I do.”
“Just checking. I don’t want you drowning on me.” he chuckled when Sieun hit his shoulder in retaliation. “Okay, relax, I’ll release you soon.”
Sieun breathed in slowly and let his mind slowly wind down. With each intake of oxygen he felt his body get lighter and lighter. He rid his mind of his parents, the nagging voice in the back of his head that tells him nothing he does will ever matter to them.
He felt Suho’s hands gradually leave his body and he was left floating on his own.
“You got it…” Suho’s voice felt distant but Sieun could still feel his fingers loosely holding his fingers. When he opened his eyes and saw that Suho was floating beside him in a similar fashion as he was, their fingers interlocked. He closed his eyes and let it be.
“Where did you learn this?” He asked.
“Therapy.”
This was the first he’s heard of this. He never knew Suho went to therapy. He always assumed martial arts was his outlet, Suho didn’t seem like the type to go to therapy.
“I had to go after my parents died. It’s an exercise called floating-Reduced Environmental Stimulation Therapy, REST for short. It helps relax you and allows you to let go of the things that are bothering you. After I stopped going to therapy in 9th grade I started coming here whenever I had time.”
“Are we allowed to be doing this?”
He made a sound of uncertainty. “I’ve never run into any trouble.”
That wasn’t the answer he was looking for but Sieun couldn’t bring himself to care. He was too relaxed to wonder what could happen if someone had caught them.
“Thanks for bringing me here,” he whispered. Suho squeezed his fingers in response. The sun tingling against his wet skin had a calming effect. He could almost feel the serotonin running through his nerves.
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad we both have our parental issues. It’s nice to share this with someone… special.” Sieun felt a small faint smile tug at his lips. It was heartwarming that Suho felt that way about their friendship. Sieun never had any friends before him but he knew that there was something special about what they have. High school might not have been the most memorable part of his life but he hoped that one day when they’re older they’re still friends and can say they were each other’s most cherished memories of high school.
“Sieun..?” The voice was directly above him this time and Sieun hummed a response. He felt a hand hold his weightless head in the water, and before he knew it a pair of lips were on his. His eyes shot open, bulging in surprise. He lost his focus and balance and his body submerged. When he resurfaced he put a distance between them.
A glimmer of hurt shone in Suho’s eyes. He bowed his head. “I’m sorry– I don’t know..”
“It’s fine.” Sieun mumbled. He was still nonplussed by what had just happened. What had caused Suho to do that? Was it Sieun, has he somehow done something to make Suho think he was… gay? He wasn’t. Sieun knew this. He had wondered before so he was certain that he wasn’t.
They didn’t speak as they got out of the water and laid in the sun to dry off. They didn’t speak on the way home. And they didn’t speak for the rest of the week despite Suho texting him every now and then. Sieun just wasn’t sure how to respond to him anymore. He started to doubt his own feelings, and started to wonder if he should’ve let Suho kiss him. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t like the awkwardness he felt around him. They’re friends, they’re not supposed to be awkward with each other.
It continued like this until the following Friday which was Parents/Teachers night.
Sieun sat between his parents in front of his homeroom teacher’s desk. She was sorting out papers and searching for his file. She smiled apologetically then cleared her throat, “I’m glad you both could make it tonight. I wanted to discuss a lot about Sieun. First I would just like to say, Sieun is a wonderful student. He’s the brightest in our school and we are so lucky to have him. He has an average grade between 95 and 100 in all of his subjects and I think he’ll have no trouble applying to any universities he wishes when the time comes.”
“So what’s the problem? I feel like this is something that could’ve been said over the phone.” His mother asked, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. Sieun blinked, his hands balling up into fists, nails digging hard into his palms. The pain kept him grounded and quiet.
The teacher stammered as she flipped through his file. “The only issue we have is that - um, the violence.”
Silence. Both his parents looked down at him, but his eyes stayed locked on the teacher’s. He’s been in a fight or two before, with Youngbin and Suho. It was all in the name of self-defence so he’s not sure where she’s going with this.
“Violence?” his dad repeated.
“He gets into fights sometimes, not always but when he does it’s… bad. We’re concerned that there might be something psychologically… wrong. I wanted you both here today to understand how his home life could be affecting him.”
“His home life? What do you mean by that?” his mother seemed offended by the implication.
“Children of divorced parents tend to act out–” What a load of bullshit. He wondered if Youngbin and his goons were getting this same talk.
“I was only standing up for myself.” He exclaimed.
“I understand Sieun but there’s a limit, you put a student in the hospital.” she grimaced. “Look, we’re just concerned that if this continues and we’ll have no choice but to expel him, then he’ll have a hard time getting into university. He’s far too bright to let something like high school bullies get in the way of his future.”
Sieun fought the urge to roll his eyes. Where was the concern for his future when Youngbin drugged him during his test causing his grade to slip?
His parents began to argue over who was the cause of his violence. His mother insisted that his father working all the time was the reason he didn’t know right from wrong and his father argued that complete lack of motherhood was the cause of it.
His phone vibrated on his lap. Another text from Suho. Inhaling deeply Sieun got up to his feet and walked out of the room. The adults were too busy yelling at each other to notice.
Sieun dragged himself down the hall until he found a dark unoccupied room. He walked in and closed the door behind him. It was finally quiet. He took a jagged breath then proceeded towards the large windows. He opened one and leaned against it, allowing the cold air to seep into his skin and calm his nerves.
“Hey,” he whipped around to find Suho standing by the door. “I saw you come in.” he shut the door behind him and walked over to the window. He dragged a desk towards him, Sieun grimacing at the noise it made against the tiled floor.
Suho sat on the desk facing the window. Sieun sat next to him. “Your parents came.” It was a question he asked in the form of a statement. Sieun nodded. “You okay?”
Sieun shrugged. “They’re fighting again over who’s more at fault. They can’t even focus on me for one night.” he replied. He didn’t want to pity himself or whine about his divorced parents acting like divorced parents but he reckoned he deserved at least one night where they didn’t turn his problems into theirs. They didn’t even ask if he was okay when he mentioned he was standing up to his bullies.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard them say they’re proud of how hard I work for these grades. I lose sleep to study and make them proud, but they never are.”
Suho twisted his lips then sucked his teeth, “That’s how parents are. There’s a moment in life when you realise you can’t please them and you start to work for yourself. You can’t please everyone Sieun-ah.”
He knew Suho was right. After all these years of putting up with their fights and being the best child and student one can be, he had hoped to at least get a pat on the back for trying. He can’t continue living to only please his unpleasable parents. As tiring as it is to constantly study, he genuinely enjoyed it so he’s not going to let them turn something he enjoys into something he runs away from. Like he did that day.
The day Suho had kissed him.
He turned to the boy sitting in silence next to him only to find him staring back with eyes so soft. Sieun had never seen his eyes look so gentle.
Not being able to stand the silence any longer he asked, “Why did you kiss me?” His voice was almost undetectable. His skin burned with embarrassment for bringing it up but he knew it was inevitable that they would have to talk about it eventually.
“Why did you avoid me all week?” Suho whispered back. He copied Sieun’s sitting position and hugged his knees to his chest, his resting head tilted to the side to face him. They were so close. Sieun could feel his warmth radiating from him. He wanted to scooch closer to bask in it.
“Because you kissed me.” Sieun replied. He watched as Suho’s eyes flickered down to his lips at the mention of him kissing Sieun.
A sullen pout loomed on his face and he asked, “Did that scare you? I’m sorry if it did–”
Sieun cut him off. “No, I just- I don’t know why you would do that… are we even allowed to?” he trailed off, eyes filled with uncertainty. Sieun had given this a lot of thought, he wasn’t used to the idea of boys liking boys. Not because his parents or family had anything to say about it, he just rarely saw it in his surroundings. He wasn’t sure if it was okay or not. He never really cared about dating, it never crossed his mind whether he liked girls or boys so when Suho kissed him it sent him into a frenzy. He wondered how long it took Suho to realise this about himself or if he was on the same boat as Sieun.
“Who says we can’t?” said Suho. Sieun didn’t reply, he didn’t have an answer to that. Suho blinked, opened his lips then closed them, second guessing what he was about to say. “What?” Sieun mouthed.
Suho swallowed hard then inhaled, “Do you want to? Kiss boys, I mean. Like in general?” His ears were burning red, enough for Sieun to notice under the moonlight.
Sieun didn’t know. He wasn’t sure if he was attracted to other boys in general. But he knew there was no denying that despite all the emotions Suho’s kiss put him through, there was still a part of him that wanted to taste more of him.
“I want to kiss you ,” he replied. His heart was pounding against his chest, anxious that maybe Suho didn’t feel the same anymore. That maybe Sieun’s reaction had scared him off.
Then Suho smiled small. His eyes glistened and there was a small pout to his smiling lips. “I want you to kiss me, too.”
Air was caught in Sieun’s throat, he almost thought he was going to die from how hard his heart was beating. He leaned in, his head tilted slightly. Their eyes watched as their faces drew closer, Suho’s eyes focused on his lips and Sieun’s on his eyes. He had never noticed how deep and soft his eyes were (they were also a deep shade of brown rather than the midnight black Sieun had always thought they were). Usually he looked intimidating with his thick straight eyebrows, his blunt short haircut and his sharp cat-like eyes but right then, with the moon shining on his face, Sieun took note of the gentle way the inner-corners of his eyebrows came together and his eyes shone with a mix of longing and excitement. Sieun thought he could stare at his eyes all night and not get tired.
The tip of his nose grazed Suho’s cheek before their lips finally met. Sieun allowed Suho to lead the kiss, unsure of what to do. His heart was beating in his ears and he was afraid he would do something wrong.
He felt Suho’s hand brush down his arm before coming to a stop to hold his hand, and then gently he caressed the back of it with his thumb. Sieun hadn’t realised what he was trying to do until he noticed that his heart began to slow down, and he was lulled into the kiss. Using his other hand Suho cupped his cheek and leaned in further, their lips parting and the kiss deepening.
Sieun accidentally caught Suho’s upper lip between his teeth causing Suho to smile into it. He pulled away but when Sieun chased after his lips with urgency and a feeling of desire he hadn't experienced before accompanied by what sounded like the softest whine, Suho pressed a small kiss to his lips then another and another until Sieun was satisfied before finally pulling apart.
They sat with their foreheads touching, Sieun’s hand coming up to caress his cheek and just as he was about to say, “I really enjoyed that”, he heard the familiar agitating voices of his parents screaming down the hall. He pulled away with a sigh. It was just like them to ruin a moment like this for him.
Suho patted his back. “You look like you could do with a swim.” Sieun’s eyes widened comically, having almost forgotten about the lake. It would be very brainless of them to swim in the cold dark lake this late into the night when they’re not even supposed to during the day. But he knew he couldn’t stay a minute longer in that school or else he would lose his mind.
“Please.” and that’s all it took for Suho to climb out of the window and motion him to follow, helping Sieun down by the waist. They ran down the parking lot to where Suho had parked his motorbike, making sure to avoid the watchful eyes of the students and parents that loitered at the entrance of the school. Suho removed the helmet from the storage compartment under the seat and put it on Sieun’s head, securing the strap. He couldn’t help but place a peck on his lips before putting down the visor.
The small action made Sieun’s heart swoon and he pushed up the visor before grabbing the taller boy by the waist and pulling him into a deeper kiss. He knew to be careful in case anyone saw them so it was a short lived kiss, nonetheless one that he enjoyed.
Suho grinned as they pulled away, then gave Sieun’s back a pat before getting on the bike. Sieun followed suit, making sure to hold on tight as Suho swerved out of the parking lot and down the hill.
Sieun wasn’t used to random moments of peace in his life. He grew up listening to his parents fight all the time, and between that and dealing with bullies at school, he never had the chance to just be alone with his thoughts and be at peace with them.
But almost every weekend since the Parents/Teachers night Suho would take him to the clearing by the lake and they would sit in silence. Sometimes they would study when Sieun wanted to, and sometimes they would just float on the water whilst holding hands. Most of the time though they would be making out, on the ground laying on their jackets or in the water skin to skin. He enjoyed those times the most.
Sieun felt the most at peace with Suho.