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The smell was terribly putrid.
He had never really liked vomiting, well who would?
It was always an effort to make him throw up when he was younger, in order to vomit up the diseases he would be carrying, a relentless fit, a hissing tantrum. Tears, yells , the whole package before the pain became too much and he curled over the floor.
But now, with his head over the toilet bowl, fingers shoved down his throat, water rimming his eyes, it felt different.
He didn’t know what to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~
It started as a comment. A simple off handed, thrown-out comment his brother had made when they were eating lunch.
Mikey had made homemade pizza, a delight in the Hamato household, especially when Casey and April would come over and the whole thing would turn into a picnic.
The pizza was delicious and everyone found themselves having one more piece, and then another. Raph was making small comments about his slice, grinning and Leo was watching them all warmly.
But then he spotted his youngest brother taking another slice, eyes focused on Casey, who was telling him about the latest Crognard episodes, with a shit-eating grin on his face.
Leo knocked Mike’s hand, gentle but firmly and the pizza dropped back onto the plate. When the chef looked questioningly up at him, Casey had stopped speaking and was looking at Leo as well.
The oldest shook his head.
“I think that’s enough for you, Angelo. You’ve eaten quite enough. Besides, there’s too many calories in this thing.”
Mikey’s eyes had widened, and his smile dimmed slightly. Casey was looking at Leo with a disgusted and bemused expression on his face.
“Yo, chill out my guy. Let him eat.”
He turned to Mikey.
“Have another slice, Mikester. The pizza is brilliant by the way.”
The youngest had smiled then, all sky blue eyes and brilliant teeth, before picking up another slice and knocking it against Casey’s.
But no one noticed it stayed uneaten.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suddenly now, whenever food was involved, Mikey heard his older brother’s voice in his mind.
Calories.
What was Leo trying to say?
He pondered over this question, not noticing his genius elder walking into the kitchen, eyes drowsy and demanding another pot of coffee.
It took Don all but ten minutes to get Mikey to notice him, which resulted in fearful eyes and a haunched expression when he started yelling at the youngest.
“Well maybe if you didn’t eat so much, then you could hear properly, Angelo!”
And it was the wrong thing to say, he knew it. But Donnie was tired and had a huge major headache and it only seemed right to reprimand his little brother.
The coffee was given silently, with head bowed to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Raph had noticed something wrong with his youngest immediately.
Well not immediately but he knew.
Mikey had started eating less than usual, which was okay because if he wasn’t hungry then he wasn’t hungry, Raphael paid no mind to it. But it was when Mikey stopped eating completely that he got worried.
Instead of reading comics in his bedroom, or parading around with his skateboard through the sewers, the littlest turtle could be heard training. Which usually wasn’t unusual because, well, Leo did exist. But it was highly unusual for anyone else to do so, especially Mikey.
Raph heard the relentless thump after thump of his training, and he could do nothing about it.
He simply didn’t understand.
~~~~~~~~~~
Breakfast was Mikey’s favourite.
He was used to waking up early, to prepare a grand opening meal to get his brothers looking forward to the day, no matter how disastrous it may become. Pancakes with fruits and cream, strawberry oatmeal, with yoghurt, cereals drizzled with honey, bacon and eggs, fresh juice, Mikey could provide all.
But when they all sat together for breakfast, and Mikey was about to dig in (he was starving that morning, because waking up early sort of does that to you), he heard a small sound from across the table.
And when he looked up, all eyes were on him.
Mikey felt a knot grow in the base of his stomach. Raph was looking at him, and he didn’t know whether it was in concern or some other reaction. Donnie was glaring at him, knife deep in his waffles, the cream melting. And Leo- Leo was watching him, disgust clear in his eyes.
Disgust in everyone’s eyes.
Mikey wanted to throw up.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Skin and bones.
It’s what he felt like, to be honest.
A sickly skeleton fraying away, withering as if it were dirt.
A monster with no sense of direction.
A freak.
An unwanted freak.
An unwanted disgusting freak.
And you know what’s even better?
He was an unwanted disgusting expendable freak.
No wonder his brother’s didn’t want him.
He didn’t want him either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leo had had enough of this whole fanatic Mikey was pulling. He was tired of his littlest burden insisting on faking ideas just for his attention.
Donatello was annoyed at the fact that Mikey would make food for them, and then just leave as if they meant nothing to him.
Casey was worried, and that meant something when your best friend’s brother collapses on a mission.
April was ready to lash out at the three oldest mutants, relishing and digging in the fact that Mikey was the same weight as he was five years ago.
Raphael was angry at himself for not noticing sooner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mikey didn’t like food anymore.
It was clear to his older brothers.
It was a day after he woke up, after collapsing on patrol after too many days of self torture. The bowl of oatmeal was cold and unfamiliar in his hands and he fidgeted with the spoon.
His red banded brother was asleep next to him, ignorant to the fact that Mikey had awoken. Donnie had come by quietly, and with a quick pat on the head and hug, he handed the oatmeal bowl to him and left when he heard the turnstiles moving.
Moving the food around in his bowl, he sighed warily, which provoked a movement from his older brother.
Blinking tiredly, Raph glanced up, and shot up so fast he got dizzy, at the sight of his baby brother awake.
“A-Angelo-” he stuttered but paused.
The flinch Mikey gave at the name wasn’t left unnoticed.
Raphael stilled for a moment. Then began, this time choosing a different name to approach his brother with.
“Mikey..-hey bud.., how..uh.. How’re you feeling?”
Words uneasy and hesitant left his mouth and he saw his younger brother slump a little.
“I’m okay, El. Honest. I dunno what all the fuss was about,” he said, a smile placed cautiously on his face.
Raph looked at him blankly.
“You passed out, Mikey. On a mission! Of course there’s gonna be fuss,” he raised his hand to hit Mike upside the head but thought better of it.
“I was just tired bro! Besides! I forgot to eat something that morning, dude. Everything’s alright. I’m sorry I messed up the mission though. Sorry.”
The littlest turtle picked at his fingers whilst apologising and Raphie took his hands into his own.
“No one’s angry, Michael. But I do want to talk to you.”
“About what, Raphie?”
Mikey’s eyes were big and round as he stared up at his older brother.
Raph’s voice was soft and caring.
“Why aren’t you eating well?”
The blue eyes widened in shock at the sudden query.
“W-What do you mean, El? I am eating well.”
His cheeks puffed up in pretend anger.
“Just cause I forgot to eat breakfast this morning does not mean I-”
“-I know what they say to you, Mikey.”
The youngest fell silent.
“I know what you’re doing.”
Mikey opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He looked down.
Raph was having none of that. He raised his baby brother’s head with one hand and had the other squeezing Mikey’s hand.
“You don’t need to starve yourself anymore, Mike. You never had too.”
“I did.”
Now it was Raph’s turn to fall silent. There were tears forming in the orange-banded turtle's eyes, but he didn’t let them fall.
“They were right, El,” he spoke in a hushed, broken whisper. “I was eating too much. Too much food. Too many c-calories. I was so- so very…-ugly. I was too flabby-...big and- ugh. I was just- just…gross. I was so big that some days I couldn’t even stand up! I couldn’t do- anything! I’m utterly u-useless.”
Raph felt a hard tug in his chest.
“M-Mike,...the reason you couldn’t get up was because you were too WEAK. Not because you were fat! You hadn’t eaten anything in days and whatever minimal food you did it, you threw up! Can’t you see!”
“H-How did you know I t-threw up?”
Raph smiled, a bitter hard but soft smile.
“Have some more faith in your big brother, ey? I did say that I knew what you’re going through.”
Mikey’s eyes widened and he squeezed Raph’s hand.
“W-What? Raphie I-...did you-?” He spoke so softly that the older turtle couldn’t stop the loving smile that stretched across his face.
“-Yes. Yes I did. But I’m okay now, alright? Besides, this isn’t about me, Angelo.”
Mikey flinched at the name. Raphael frowned.
“You don’t like it anymore? You used to tell us how much you loved it because it was sweet that we thought of you as an angel even though you’re not,” he flicked Mikey’s forehead.
The latter looked down again at the bowl of oatmeal placed in his one hand.
“I dunno,” he mumbled. “Leo and Donnie used to call me that every time they-...they uhh…would say something..”
“So it reminds you of their words?”
Mikey chewed on his bottom lip.
“Yeah…sorta…”
“Sorta?”
When Mikey looked back up once more, his eyes were once more filled to the brim of tears he would not allow free.
“I did say I liked it cause it was sweet you guys would think of me as an angel. I loved it cause I thought that meant you loved me, you know? But then they started saying all that and I just…I just…-I dunno. Thought that maybe…if i looked better…..you might,....love-.....love me more..?”
He shook his head.
“It's stupid I know, forget it Raphie.”
…
“Raphie?”
The older turtle stood there, with hot salty tears cascading down his face, shocked and unmoving at Mikey’s confession.
How could his little brother not think we love him? What have they done? What had he done? Sure, comments were made and insults were thrown everywhere now and then but,, it was all in good fun wasn’t it? But now that he thought about it, Mikey was always the centre of the hurricane of hurtful words and meaningful harsh, some of which were unnecessary.
Had they gone too far?
“Raphie!?”
Said turtle flinched out of his thoughts. His younger brother looked up at him, oatmeal ignored and put to the side, eyes darting across his face in worry, hands holding both of his.
Without saying anything, he moved forward and wrapped Mikey in a hug.
The youngest gasped in surprise and Raph moved a little so his lips were near the other’s ear.
“I love you, Mikey. I love you with all my heart.”
It was silent for a while as Mikey wrapped his head around the words that were just spoken. Then he choked out a sob and dug his face deep in the embrace, not wanting Raph to let go.
And Raph didn’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Donnie woke up in the morning, he had not expected the day to go like this.
Breakfast was wonderful, it always was when Mikey was cooking, which was, well, everyday. It was Donnie’s turn to choose what to have and this time he chose berry waffles, something the whole team enjoyed. Well, except Mikey but that’s okay.
It was in the middle of breakfast that Donnie noticed his baby brother’s lack of eating. At first he thought it was because of the waffles, but truth be told, Don couldn’t remember the last time he saw Mikey eat.
Shrugging it off, he returned to his food, but made a mental note to check on with his youngest.
Well the mental note was forgotten and here we are.
In his lab. With Mikey on the medical bed. Dead asleep.
He had passed out on patrol and Leo had told Donnie to carry him back home, after making sure he wasn’t dead (that sounded mean, was that mean?).
The blue and purple banded turtles had fought over this, neither of them wanting to deal with Mikey’s bullshit but one small groan from the youngest had Raphael picking him up and running home, Donnie and Leo following suit.
It was then he had discovered Mikey’s weight.
…
He didn’t want to talk about it.
Mikey was underweight, something they all thought was impossible, but it seemed as if after weeks of not eating, endless training and vomiting up nothing does that to a soul.
Donnie actually did not know what led Mike to this act of death.
Not until he heard the hushed whispers spoken to Raphael.
He said he didn't want to talk about it, okay?
…
Mikey’s words rang about in Don’s mind.
He was angry at the youngest for not telling him
He was angry at Leo and himself for saying those things in the first place.
He was angry at Raphael for not voicing his suspicions sooner.
He was angry at himself for not being able to fix this. To fix him.
Why would Mikey ever think that? How could Mikey ever think that?
It was all too terrible, all too much that he didn’t even notice himself barging into his lab, flat out sobbing, wrenching Raphael out of Mikey’s grip and replacing him.
Wrapping his arms none too gently around his younger brother, he squeezed and whispered broken apologies all the while petting his head and digging his face into Mikey’s neck.
The little turtle gave a strangled laugh and squished his face on Don’s arm.
Donnie sniffed and pressed himself closer. He felt Raph close in on both of them from behind, his muscular arms embracing and laying his head on Don’s.
“I’m so sorry,” he wept and leaned back to grab Mikey’s head in his gentle hands. He used his thumbs to wipe the slow tears that escaped his eyes and leaned their foreheads together.
“You’re so perfect, Mikey. So perfect it hurts to look at you. But it is a joy to do so. You’re a joy. I never intended to make you feel otherwise, you hear me? I am so so sorry. I love you so much. I will always.”
His eyes were closed and so were Mikey’s, but he opened them when he felt his younger brother place his hands on top of his own.
“I love you too, D. I will always.”
Donnie thought that was it, so he moved backward, breaking the embrace. But he brought himself back with a small laugh when Mikey whimpered at the loss of touch and reached out, making grabby hands and knowing it would fool his older brother.
And he’d always let it, if it made Mikey happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leo had had enough of his younger brother’s fanatics. He understood a prank here and then, an orange water balloon, dying Raph’s mask pink, you know, the usual.
But passing out in the middle of patrol?
That was a bit too far.
So he strode behind his genius younger brother as they both made their way to the lab, Donnie fumbling with his hand wraps and Leo with an impatient frown on his face.
He knows about Mikey’s ‘problem’. He was told constantly about it as he and April made their way back from the rooftops, after his little brother had collapsed. April seemed to have made it her job to reprimand him and the others and let him tell you, you DO NOT want to get on her bad side.
So he had his mouth shut, expression furrowed and a guilty feeling blooming in his chest when his mind wandered further and further away.
Mikey did look unwell. He had been for some time. And when was the last time he saw him eat again?
The pizza.
…
Leo stood there now, behind the lab door, watching with round eyes.
Raph had stood back with a rare comforting smile on his face as Donnie was embracing the much smaller turtle. Mikey had one hand wrapped trapped between himself and the genius whilst the other was held gently in Raph’s. Tear marks were fresh on each and every one of their faces and Leo felt his heart tighten inside of him.
What in the-
What did he just witness? Hear?
There was no way- there could be no way-
How could he just-
How-
Why?
Leo felt the sudden rush of tears overwhelm him and he stumbled back in surprise. Unfortunately, he knocked over a tin bucket that was on the floor and he flinched at the sudden loud noise.
It also alerted his other brothers, who turned to look at the doorway, where Leo stood with his hands joined and knees knocking together. A weak position but he couldn’t help it.
He saw Raph’s expression soften at his antics and smiled when Mikey beckoned him to come inside with a “what’re you doing all alone, Lee?”
Leonardo stumbled in, clumsily and very unlike himself. Hands fumbling with each other, he looked at his youngest brother, who had his arms open.
He always had them open.
Leo felt nausea in his stomach when he realised the first thought he had was to push those hands away. Time and time again he would do so, but Mikey’s arms would forever be open. Soft and comforting, a memory came to him. Quick as a fish and gone with a blink.
Gentle arms around his body, which shook with tears.
Why was he crying again?
Was it father?
He did not know.
But words were being whispered to him and little Leo couldn’t help but calm.
So as he ran forward and wrapped himself in Mikey’s arms, he did the only thing he knew he could do this time without messing up.
He would say he loved his brother as much as he loved him.
But it would be wrong.
Because Mikey loved everyone more than anyone could ever love him.
And Leo would spend the rest of his life proving it wrong.