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ONE
It was Sean, when he was fourteen.
They're sitting in Craig's house. They're playing a video game on an ancient console Craig had never heard of until Sean had pulled it out of his backpack. Sean sits on Craig's bed while Craig sits on the floor in front of it, back against the frame itself. Sean pays him almost no mind as they continue with their game.
It's early August, the third day of school. Craig taps his foot rhythmically on the floor. Craig's invite had been nothing but reluctant, although there was evident excitement behind his eyes. Sean should've said no. It would've been best - for the both of them. Craig still isn't sure how his father will react when he arrives home. He never made any rules against Craig having friends over without explicit permission, so Craig supposes he could lean into that, but something in the back of his mind tells him that it won't exactly cut it when it comes to his father.
Craig hums, setting the console down. He cranes his neck and tilts his head to get a good look at Sean. Sean glances towards him briefly. He seems caught up in his Game Boy Advance. Craig sighs and pulls himself up onto his bed. He sits, criss-crossed, next Sean.
"Have you ever kissed a girl?" he asks plainly. Sean furrows his eyebrows. He turns to face Craig slowly, taking years to do so. Craig waits patiently for a response.
Sean's response is dry. "Yeah...?"
"What was it like?"
In Craig's mind, Sean is his best (and only) friend in the world. In Sean's mind, he's known this guy since Monday. Perhaps Craig should've held off on the questions for a tad bit longer. His intention wasn't to make anything uncomfortable, but with the way Sean shifts, Craig knows he's messed that up.
"I don't know. Fine? I've kissed lots of girls. They all taste the same." He shrugs. His eyes dart to the Game Boy for a second. Craig frowns, though Sean seems to catch it. "Why?"
"I was just wondering." Craig looks down at his floor, to his shoes, and back to Sean. "But you've never kissed a guy?"
The atmosphere shifts. Before, it had been quiet, comforting. It settled into an air of playfulness when Craig opened his mouth. Now, however, Craig can see Sean's increasing discomfort as clear as day. Craig wonders if he's coming on too strong. He hopes not; he really likes Sean.
"What's this about?"
"I was just wondering," he reiterates. He shakes his head and tilts his gaze down to his bedding. "So...you've never kissed a guy, then."
Sean snorts. He runs a hand through short hair. Craig traces his features. His nose is upturned, almost button-like, and his eyes are a sort of hazel color that Craig's never seen before. The green and the brown mix in the middle, growing more grey on the edges of his irises. Craig could truly get lost in them.
Both boys stare at each other. Sean finally gives, his light smile leaving his face. "No, I guess- I guess I haven't." Craig can feel Sean's hot breath on his cheek from where he sits now. His breath catches as they lean in closer. "But...I wouldn't...be...opposed..."
Craig half-whines, and that seems to be Sean's final straw. He breaks the distance and leans in. He stops, abruptly, seemingly to gather his thoughts. Sean is staring at Craig's lips when the latter closes his eyes. Sean presses his lips against Craig's firmly. Craig parts his chapped lips the slightest bit. He feels Sean's teeth ghosting over his bottom lip as he pulls away.
The kiss doesn't last long and it isn't as heavy as Craig had been hoping, but something changes in the way Sean stares at him. His heart flutters.
Sean leans back and clears his throat. "You have...very feminine lips." Craig cackles, shoving Sean's shoulder as he moves back down to his spot on the floor by the bed.
"The first person I ever kiss and the only thing you can say is that I have 'feminine lips'? Way to make a guy feel special."
"What! I'm just speaking from the heart."
TWO
It was Jimmy, on his fifteenth birthday.
They're standing in the boys' washroom. They're alone, just the two of them, standing needlessly close to each other as they inspect themselves in the mirror behind the sinks. Craig meticulously combs through his hair as Jimmy splashes cold water on his face.
It's late into the school year, the second week of the third trimester. Exams are rapidly approaching and neither boy is completely prepared. Jimmy seems worried - Craig isn't entirely sure why.
Jimmy is smart, likely one of the smartest people Craig has ever met in his albeit short lifetime. He does well on tests and assignments; he gets a good grade in friendliness somehow, as well. Not only is he intelligent, he's one of the kindest people Craig knows.
Class has already started. The bell rang minutes ago, but neither of them could be bothered with leaving. Craig doesn't need to smooth over his appearance. He's not the one about to ask a girl out, nor is he the one with a job interview after school. He doesn't completely know why he's in the bathroom, anyway. Perhaps just to be with Jimmy. For moral support, of course.
"You must really like this girl, huh?" Craig says, growing bored of the silence. "Ever going to tell me who she is?"
Jimmy hums, faking a 'deep in thought' moment. "When the time comes, young Manning. You'll know when you've found the right girl. Or guy. I don't judge." Craig looks to Jimmy with a curious look.
"My luck hasn't been too great so far, it seems."
Two girlfriends and a single kiss with none other than Sean Cameron. Craig wasn't exactly against relationships with other people, but he'd never really been into anyone besides them. Even then, he wasn't sure if his feelings were platonic or not. Shocking: Craig Manning has difficulty telling romantic feelings from platonic ones. He adds that to the list of things to blame on his dad for no other reason than that it bothers him and he'd rather it not be his own fault.
"I'll say. Did you even feel anything when you were kissin' Ash and Manny?"
"Of course I did!"
Jimmy snorts dismissively. "Sure didn't look it." Craig pries himself away from his reflection. He stares at Jimmy, tongue in cheek, and puts his hands on his hips. Jimmy doesn't seem to bothered.
"There's a reason the ladies swoon over me." Craig sits down on the sink adjacent to the one Jimmy stands in front of. Jimmy turns away from the mirror and looks Craig in the eyes. He looks almost amused. "I'm a great kisser. So much passion, I'm telling you."
"Right, and I'm Prince."
Craig leans in slightly, one hand under the sink to keep himself steady and the other extended so he can emphasize his speech. "Don't knock it 'til you try it." Jimmy chortles, hand on his forehead as he does so. He leans over the sink with a shake of his head.
He goes back to fixing his appearance before looking at Craig again. "Wait, you're serious?"
"As a heart attack."
Jimmy has to take a moment to recover. Craig can see the range of emotions pass his face. Confusion, anger, considering, to completely neutral. Craig wonders if he's crossed the line.
Finally, Jimmy gives him a challenging laugh. "Alright, okay, but I am the better kisser here, and I'll prove it." Craig shifts slightly forward on the sink, porcelain digging into his palms.
Jimmy moves from the sink where he was standing to the one Craig sits on. He awkwardly rests his hands on Craig's knees. The kiss isn't forceful in any way, but it still surprises Craig enough to forget to kiss back for a moment.
The kiss is longer than Craig thought it would be, and more intense then he'd been expecting. Jimmy's tongue slips into his mouth and Craig finds himself whining. He tightens his grip on the edges of the sink - anything to restrain himself from touching Jimmy. He feels heat spread from his ears, to his face, to his neck. He becomes all too aware of Jimmy's hands still on his knees.
After the longest kiss of Craig's life, Jimmy pulls away. He looks about as wrecked as Craig does from the sudden kiss. However, he comes off as largely unaffected when he speaks again.
"See? Told you. I'm the better kisser."
Craig sputters. "Yeah, yeah, um - no, yeah."
Jimmy moves back to the sink to wash his face again. He blinks back to Craig. "You always pull that whimpering move? Chicks must dig that, it was kinda hot."
"Okay, tough guy, let's just focus on mystery girl."
THREE
It was Spinner, when he decided that he didn't need birthdays.
They walk side-by-side down the hallway towards Raditch's office. It was all Spinner's fault, like usual. He was messing around with something in Ms. Kwan's classroom, and all Craig wanted to do was stop Spinner before he got in trouble. He didn't mean to break the desk. Spinner didn't mean to stick a pencil through the ceiling. Craig doesn't know still how it got to that point.
"This is Marco's fault," he says under his breath, gripping the strap of his backpack tighter. Craig's eyebrows knit together. "If he didn't get his gay little hands on my book, I wouldn't have had to go get it. That fag-"
Craig stops. "Don't call him that." If looks could kill, Craig would be on trial for murder. Spinner blinks back at him strangely.
"Why? It's just some dumb word." They stare each other down in the middle of the hallway. Craig briefly wonders if anyone is watching them from inside their classrooms.
"Okay, so slurs are just dumb words that don't come with decades of history now." Spinner scoffs. He rolls his eyes and starts walking again. Craig stops him. "Spin, seriously, what the hell is your deal with gay people?"
"It's gross!"
Craig was never good at keeping promises. When he'd first moved in with Joey, one of the conditions was to never fight anyone at school. Craig had promised to follow the rule. Now that Spinner stands in front of him, though, Craig contemplates breaking that promise.
He settles on a sigh. "It's just what some people like. I bet if you kissed me right now, it would be just like kissing a girl."
"Probably because you could already pass as a chick with the right clothes."
"That's just- that's just not the point. At all." Craig puts his hand on Spinner's shoulder. "Pretend you're a gay guy. Right now. You're a gay guy and I think you're gross for just existing. How does it make you feel?"
Spinner merely shrugs. "I wouldn't know because I'm not gay." Craig rolls his eyes.
"Fine, okay. Spinner, I think you're a dumbass and that you shouldn't be around the general population because you're so stupid," he says sardonically. Spinner frowns. "I really don't know how to tell you that homophobia is wrong."
"I'm not homophobic! I just think that gay people don't deserve to live."
Craig blinks. What?
"I-..." he shakes his head in disbelief. "I need you to work with me here, man." He pauses to think before an idea pops into his head. "Okay, close your eyes."
"What?"
"Just do it."
Spinner complies. Delicate eyelashes rest against porcelain skin, and Craig could almost call him pretty. He rubs the back of his fingers against Spinner's cheek. Spinner's lips quirk down into a frown. Craig finally cups both the sides of Spinner's face and pulls him close. Spinner opens his eyes and pushes Craig backwards.
Craig stumbles. His mind is already travelling to places it has buried deep within his subconscious, but Spinner manages to stop the spiral.
"What the hell? Were you about to kiss me? Don't tell me you're a fag-"
"Spinner, not only are you not my type, but you are so dense sometimes that I think I'd rather kill myself." It comes off harsher than intended. "And I- just let me kiss you and I'll prove that it's normal." Even a fool could see that the plan doesn't make sense - Craig just really wanted to kiss Spinner.
Spinner stands still, clearly conflicted. Craig stares at him with almost fearful eyes. Spinner finally sighs and steps back towards Craig.
Craig tries to return to his former position, but Spinner is quicker. He leans in to give Craig a peck on the corner of his mouth. Craig is taken aback by the sudden contact, then the sudden loss of contact.
"There. Happy?"
"I mean like a real kiss, Spin."
Once again, Spinner looks dejected, but decides against complaining this time. Craig is fast to act, one hand on Spinner's jaw and the other on the back of his neck. Spinner's arms remain at his side. He remains in a stiff position while Craig shifts to get himself more comfortable.
He's slower moving in this time to give Spinner any chance he needs to to opt out. He takes none of them, however, and their lips finally meet. Spinner doesn't kiss back until he closes his eyes and he can no longer look Craig in the eyes. Quickly, the kiss becomes far too heated, and Spinner shoves Craig against a locker all without breaking the kiss. Craig groans into it as the metal of the locker cools his hot skin.
When they pull away, Craig is panting slightly. Spinner seems confused at best.
They stand in the same position for a moment, Spinner's hands on Craig's chest, forcing him against the locker; Craig's fingers entangled in the short strands of hair on the back of Spinner's next; their bodies flushed together.
Spinner clears his throat.
"I see your point."
FOUR
It's Marco, when he's sixteen going on seventeen.
They sit at a quiet table in the Dot near the window. Books, papers, pens, and calculators cover the surface almost completely. Craig's right hand is in his hair, pulling at it lightly, as he writes with his left hand. Craig wasn't stupid nor was he bad at math, he'd just...nearly flunked Algebra II. Marco sits across from him. He has almost a devastated look on his face. He's concerned, certainly, but he looks on the verge of tears as Craig continues writing in his furious, illegible scrawl.
"Craig, please, can we just take a break?"
"Not until I understand this!"
Marco looks at him sympathetically. He rests his hand on top of Craig's to stop him from moving his pencil even more. Craig looks at Marco through his eyelashes. With a sigh, he drops his hand from his hair and leans back in his chair.
"I fear I'll never understand exponents," he says dramatically. Marco chuckles, running his thumb over the top on Craig's hand in a repetitive motion that calms Craig down significantly. "Maybe I'll ask my-..."
He is sixteen going on seventeen. He has blood on his hands that tears could only dream to wash off. His heart is a stone and it seems it has already sunk to the bottom of the lake. He is sixteen going on seventeen, body still fifteen, mind stuck on fourteen.
He pulls his hand out from under Marco's. "Sorry. I'm just...yeah, okay, a break sounds awesome." He looks Marco in the eyes.
Marco still looks concerned, but Craig realizes that it's gone beyond that point. He also realizes that he isn't the one stressing him out, something else is. He cocks his head to the side curiously.
"Are you okay?"
Marco sighs.
"Thing's at home aren't great, but I'll live." Marco offers Craig a small, sad smile that's meant to be reassuring. Craig's blood runs cold. He's aware he shouldn't jump to conclusions, but he can't stop his worry.
"What do you mean by 'not great'? Are you safe?"
Marco chuckles. "No, no, I mean yeah, but- I just think my parents are getting a divorce, that's it," he says. Craig feels himself relax. It's a bad situation still, but not as bad as he'd been thinking.
"Yikes, I'm sor-"
Craig is cut off by Marco's cell going off. He gives Craig an apologetic look before answering. Craig takes the opportunity to stretch his back.
"Yeah?" ...... "No, Paige, that's stupid." ......... "What?" .............. "Oh my God! Oh my God! That's amazing! .... "No, yeah, I'll be there in ten minutes tops!"
Craig's heart sinks. Marco's ditching him. However, his excitement bleeds onto Craig and he can't say he's too upset as Marco smiles at him.
Marco pockets his phone and stands up. "Sorry, I have to go-"
"No, I get it. Go do whatever it is you have to do, man!"
With a nervous giggle, Marco seems to forget how to think, because he leans in and gives Craig a quick kiss on the lips. It doesn't faze Marco as he speeds out of the Dot. Craig takes a few seconds to recover.
+ ONE
It isn't a surprise when Craig finds himself infatuated with the boy.
"No, no! Come on! Come on!"
There's no special occasion, nothing to celebrate, the boys are just together to have fun. They sit in the living room of Joey's house. Joey and Angela are out, so it's only Craig and his friends. Craig sits in between Marco and Sean. Spinner sits on the floor in front of them, and Jimmy is next to the couch.
A chorus of groans ensues - sans Jimmy - as they lose the game. Jimmy grins smugly at the group. Craig wants to wipe the smile off of his face in the nicest way possible. He instead rolls his eyes and sets his controller down.
"Okay, I think that's enough video games for me," he says as he stands. "I'm grabbing something from the kitchen. Anyone want anything?"
He receives no responses as they start up a new game without him. Guess not. He shrugs and walks off towards the kitchen to grab a bag of chips. It's a safe choice: if anyone wants any, they can have some.
Something is strange about today. Craig feels euphoric in a way he's only felt only a few times before, and it scares him. It's only a slight feeling. He argues with himself about his ability to identify the euphoria means that the episode is nullified. He reasons that he's probably just happy. He'd rather not think about the alternative.
When he returns, he decides that he doesn't care about which of his friends wins the game, and instead sprawls himself over Sean and Marco's laps. It effectively messes them up. Marco groans and pushes him off of the couch. He roll to wear his stomach is pressed against Spinner's backside. Spinner turns to his left to make eye contact with Craig. Craig throws a chip at him.
"I can't believe I kissed you."
"Wow, okay, that was out of left field."
"Wait, you two kissed?" Sean asks, suddenly disinterested in the game. Jimmy and Marco lean forward.
Craig snorts. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you sound jealous," he teases lightheartedly. Sean doesn't seem to take it as lightly as Craig had thought he would've. His small smile falls. He looks to Spinner. Spinner takes that as an 'okay' to tell the story.
"He was trying to show me that there was nothing wrong with being gay. It worked, I guess." Spinner doesn't seem all too eager to explain. Marco blinks.
"I kissed him on accident," he offers. Craig puts his hands over his face. This is a conversation he'd never thought he'd be having with this group of people. Attention turns from Spinner to Marco. "Paige gave me some good news and I wasn't thinking."
"The second time wasn't an accident."
Sean blinks, gaze switching back and forth between Craig and Marco. "Hold on, there was a second time?"
"Yeah. I was trying to make Dylan jealous." Marco looks down. He looks slightly embarrassed.
Jimmy chuckles. He leans back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest tightly. "Wow, Craig, I knew you were a player, but I thought-"
"Don't act all high and mighty! You kissed me too - with tongue!" the jab is said in an almost joking tone. Jimmy rolls his eyes, but the action is airy. "Everyone wants a slice of Craig."
Craig's gaze flickers to Sean. Sean is biting his bottom lip so hard that Craig thinks he's on the verge of drawing blood from it. He doesn't meet Craig's eyes. He stares at nothing in particular and seems lost in thought.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to the bathroom." He leaves in a hurry.
Marco, Jimmy, and Spinner all engage in a new conversation, but Craig watches as Sean leaves. He feels...conflicted, mostly. Overall confused, but mostly conflicted. Does he stay or does he follow? Why did Sean leave in such a hurry, and why did he seem upset? He bites his tongue.
Without a word to the others, Craig stands and walks towards where Sean had disappeared off to. If the others call for him, he doesn't hear them, because the only sound that catches his attention is the sound of running water from the sink in the bathroom. The door is opened a crack, just enough for Craig to be able to see Sean through the mirror.
Sean is washing his hands. He scrubs furiously at his nails. He's muttering under his breath, but Craig is too far away and the water is too loud for him to understand exactly what Sean says. He still seems upset.
Craig knocks on the door lightly with two fingers. Sean's head snaps up. He turns the water off, opens the door, and tenses upon seeing Craig. He sighs. "It's all yours." Sean tries to brush past him, but Craig's hand on his chest stops him.
Gently, carefully, Craig pulls Sean into the bathroom with him and shuts the door behind them. Craig leans against the door. Sean stands opposite him.
"What's wrong?" Sean asks. Craig shakes his head.
"Nothing, I think, I don't know. You seemed angry or something. Is there something up, or...?"
Sean shrugs noncommittally. "You tell me."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sean scoffs with a shake of his head.
"You know what, I'm just going home." He tries to push Craig away from the door, but Craig stands his ground. Sean looks up at him with a threatening glint in his eyes. Craig wouldn't be lying if he said he wasn't intimidated.
"No. I'm not playing a guessing game here, Sean. I want to know why you're being all weird."
"Oh, I'm the one being weird?" Sean backs up and crosses his arms. "I'm the weird one while you're out being a-a whore?"
Craig stops breathing for a moment. He'd been called things like that before, but for some reason, it hurts worse when it comes from Sean. He clenches his fists at his sides and staves off the urge to punch Sean.
He'd lose that fight.
"Why do you care? It's not like I'm your boyfriend, remember?"
"Yeah, but you could've been."
Woah, what?
Craig blinks rapidly. It was delivered so nonchalantly that he isn't entirely sure how he's meant to take it, but it surprises him either way. His mouth goes dry as he forgets how to speak.
After a few seconds of silence, Sean tuts and shoves Craig out of the way of the door. As his back hits the sink, his mind restarts, and he grabs Sean's arm just before he opens the door.
"Sean, please don't."
"'Please don't' what?"
Craig swallows air. "Don't go. I don't want you to go." His voice is quieter than intended.
"Now you don't want me to go? Why don't you just go talk to one of your new boyfriends?"
"You're being completely unfair here, man. We never dated!" Sean sighs harshly.
"I wanted to. Didn't you?" Craig clamps his mouth shut. "That's what I thought. You were too busy playing make believe that you were a-a normal kid who had a girlfriend and good grades and good friends. You just wanted to pretend you lived in a nice home with nice people and that everything was always, always, perfect!"
Craig feels familiar anger bubbling in his stomach as Sean continues. "You have no right talking about me like that. We're hardly even friends anymore, and you- oh, you don't know the half of it!"
"I know enough about you to know that almost everything you've said tonight has been a lie."
"So what? Like they're going to call my bluff! And it's just harmless shit, it's not going to hurt them." Sean shoves Craig after he finishes.
"You don't know what it's like being lied to, do you?" Craig opens his mouth. He wants to scream yes, yes I do! I grew up with a cheating mother that left me and an abusive father; of course I know! Of course I fucking do! He keeps his mouth shut, however, and Sean rolls his eyes. "You led me on."
"I didn't lead you on. All I did was kiss you! I don't- what the fuck is your problem?" Sean almost responds, but Craig cuts him off. "You like me? Is that your problem? You like me and you're jealous I've kissed other guys while single?"
Something about the whole conflict reads as ridiculous. Craig decides he shouldn't have followed Sean in the first place.
"Did you ever stop to think that maybe I like you, too?" Sean frowns. "The last time I kissed Marco was weeks ago, Spinner and Jimmy even before that. And-and just because I kissed them doesn't mean that I wasn't wishing that it was you instead."
A beat of silence. Two. They stare into each other's eyes. Craig wishes he'd just stayed silent. He wishes Spinner could've kept his mouth shut. He wishes he'd never met Sean at all.
Suddenly, his back is against the wall as he's harshly shoved backwards by strong hands. His heart is in his throat. He isn't given a second to process what exactly is happening before Sean kisses him.
His lips are rougher than last time. They're still soft, certainly, but it feels like the skin has been picked at.
Sean's hand is on his neck. He presses down lightly, and Craig can't stop himself from gasping. Sean takes the opportunity to slip his tongue in. He tastes like smoke and sour candy. It's certainly a strange combination, but it's undeniably Sean that Craig doesn't care. He puts his hands on the back of Sean's neck and pulls him closer. Sean almost starts to grind against him before Craig pull apart for a breath.
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for that," Craig says in a whisper.
"I guess we better make up for some lost time, then, sweetheart."