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After their first day of running away, he found out he could no longer fall asleep. It was surprising in a way, the fact that he could not bury himself in the Fade and forget, at least for a moment. He knew he deserved it, deserved punishment even harsher than that. It was not because he feared the chase, the penalty, the death sentence that surely awaited him back home. No, he expected that much, knew his life was forfeit even before he decided to go through with his plans.
But it was not easy to forget. The images of the burning city seemed ingrained into his eyelids, clear and fresh every time he closed his eyes. He could still hear the screams, pleading for help that they ignored in their escape. He remembered how hot the fire felt on his skin, the way Hawke’s blood seeped into the cobblestones beneath their feet, Sebastian’s eyes: empty at first, then full of hatred… How ironic it was that Anders could probably understand his desire for vengeance better than anyone else.
Of course, he remembered Hawke’s words, the promise he made against all logic.
I love you. I love you, I’ll...
"You don’t have to stay, Hawke," he said and hated himself even more for the way his voice broke against his will. The night was cold and they could not risk making a fire, so he had to curl up next to the other mage, hopelessly trying to preserve the heat. They were far from the main roads, far from everyone, and every shadow seemed to be a threat. "You don’t have to stay with me."
Hawke raised his head and looked at him, but Anders looked away.
"I know."
Anders’ breath hitched and he almost broke down, but he knew he deserved it, deserved even more. There was no just punishment for what he had done, no way to restore the balance once again. He was already empty, too tired, too lost in the afterimages of the battle; his guilt and sorrow almost suffocating.
"You don’t have to stay," he repeated, this time without faltering. "You should leave, or kill me, or…"
"No."
It was not going to be easy then.
"I lied to you."
Silence.
Anders was not brave enough to look up right now. Cowardice it seemed was not an easy trait to lose. And yet, even running away had to stop somewhere. He swallowed.
"I used you from the very beginning, after what they did to Karl…"
"Anders."
"I planned it, every single step. I did. I wanted you to fall in love with me, because then it would be easier. You had everything I needed: power, status, money. With you, destroying the Chantry was almost too easy. I even managed to convince you to distract Elthina for long enough to…"
He stopped when one of Hawke’s arms suddenly reached out and brought him closer. Hawke was hot. The smell of fire and blood lingered on his skin, and the embrace was awkward, even more so when Anders tried to pull away and failed.
"Look at me," Hawke commanded and Anders had no choice but to obey. "You are not an evil mastermind," he said. "An asshole, maybe, but that’s hardly news."
"You should leave me. Hawke, please."
"No," he repeated. "I already said that I’m going with you. I'm not going to change my mind, love. Not now and not ever."
As Anders shook his head the first tears fell.