Work Text:
Dearest A-Qing,
I will be arriving at Beijing Daxing airport at 19:30 tomorrow.
I really look forward to seeing you.
Love,
Feng Xin.
Mu Qing crumpled the piece of paper in his hands, breathing heavily. He was not angry…he was livid. A year! A whole freaking year had gone by since Feng Xin inadvertently went to study abroad without a single word to him and the one thing he receives, through one of their mutual friends- he may add, is this lousy letter with no explanation, no apology, nothing at all. All the love he used to feel for Feng Xin is now burning rage.
“Oh, I’ll go meet you…” Mu Qing murmurs quietly to himself, “Of course, I’m gonna go meet you.”
By the time Feng Xin left, they had been dating for over two years, discussions of living together were happening and for a moment, Mu Qing thought he had it all. They both seemed to be happy with their relationship and were ready to move ahead while sharing the same path. Until one day out of the blue, he was unable to find Feng Xin no matter where he went or how many times he called. Mu Qing was panicking but it took just a couple of hours for him to find out. It was through their mutual friend, Xie Lian, that he learned that Feng Xin had decided to go study abroad for two fucking years…without a single word to Mu Qing.
Mu Qing was in big denial at first, Feng Xin wouldn’t! He really would not! They had promised each other their lives, they had promised each other an eternity together. And yes, Mu Qing was a bit absent in the relationship because of his new internship but that didn’t mean he didn’t love Feng Xin as much as he always had. There had been no major arguments, no discussions, nothing that could lead to this. Mu Qing just couldn’t believe it. He would not believe it. He knew Feng Xin, he knew him very well, he was the love of his life. Therefore, despite Xie Lian’s words, he waited for Feng Xin to reach out but when the second day hit without a single word, Mu Qing knew it was done.
Deep down he knew Xie Lian wouldn’t lie but his stubborn heart didn’t want to accept the truth. He thought he knew Feng Xin. He thought he knew him better than anyone else.
Still, it was good that they had been looking into apartments to move in together, because it was easier for him to find a new place. He didn’t want Feng Xin to be able to find him ever again. He didn’t want to get a call from him, he didn’t want a letter from him, he even asked Xie Lian to never mention him again at the risk of Mu Qing leaving him behind too. Xie Lian had, of course, seemed confused but Mu Qing had zero flexibility for this. He didn’t want any explanations, he just wanted to move on. Forget about Feng Xin’s existence and what they had together.
Moving on though, was the hardest thing he has ever attempted. But Mu Qing is not a quitter and he knew he had to succeed. Feng Xin was not worth his longing or his tears. Not if he dared leave him like this. After months of trying, he finally started feeling better, the yearning disappeared, the nightmares stopped. The ghost of Feng Xin’s presence left and the ring of his voice in Mu Qing’s mind faded. He was finally going forward.
But right now, when he finally thinks himself able to leave all the past behind, maybe start dating someone new. Xie Lian gives him this letter.
“You can choose to not read it if you’d like, but it would have been wrong of me not to give it to you,” he had said.
Mu Qing knew who it was from. He could recognize that handwriting between hundreds. He glared at Xie Lian, trying to remind him that he requested not to ever be told about Feng Xin again. Xie Lian is smart, so he must’ve understood that look, still he didn’t comment on it and just left after handing him the letter.
Mu Qing then debated for a couple of hours before opening the envelope. He expected to see a long explanation of what had happened. Had things been moving too fast? Had Feng Xin fallen out of love? Had he done something wrong? Did he need time alone? A part of his mind said that no matter the reason, what Feng Xin had done was unforgivable but the other side of his mind- the one controlled by the heart- needed to know what exactly had gone wrong.
After several hours of thinking about it, Mu Qing decided he needed closure and so he read the letter. What he found though, was nothing like he thought he would. Two phrases saying that he was coming back and nothing else. Needless to say, he didn’t find what he was looking for.
Mu Qing could not understand! How many times could he be so precariously disrespected by Feng Xin? He never pegged him to be such a cruel person. But since he had already been given information, he was going to use it!
That’s why he is now boarding a train to the airport, the letter in hand. He doesn’t have a plan, he doesn’t have a strategy, if anything, he is not even sure of what exactly he will say but he guesses it will just come to mind at some point. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to wait for long. The plane arriving at 19:30 has landed by the time he arrived and then Mu Qing just waits. There’s a lot of emotions flowing freely through him now. He is angry but he is also hurt. He thought he meant enough for Feng Xin to have a decent explanation but it seems like they were both on different pages and fine! He can accept that. Right now Mu Qing only cares to know why.
Eternal minutes go by as Mu Qing waits by the exit, he wonders if he’ll even be able to recognize Feng Xin. But of course he would, of course he does the second he sees him. He cut his hair, but other than that, Mu Qing barely even notices a difference. He walks calmly, looking around until his eyes land on Mu Qing and at that moment, Mu Qing feels the floor underneath his feet crumble. His knees feel weak and his hands shake.
Feng Xin approaches him, Mu Qing thought he would know what to say or what to do the moment he saw Feng Xin but here he stands speechless even as Feng Xin finally stops in front of him. “Mu Qing,” he murmurs and hearing his name falling from his lips after all this time is a bit too much. A bit too blunt and a bit too audacious after a year without a single word.
Mu Qing rages, without even thinking about it, he raises his hand and pushes Feng Xin away with as much force as he can gather. Feng Xin stumbles back looking pained but Mu Qing doesn’t have it in him to care for that now, “I hope you know you can now disappear again, i just needed to tell you to your face that I don’t ever want to see you again!”
Mu Qing promptly turns around and heads for the train again. He doesn’t look back, he thinks he could’ve delivered his words a bit better but he is not unsatisfied. He said what he needed to say and now he can move on knowing that he had the last word in their failed relationship. He arrived home to his cat waiting by the door and wished for nothing else than to cuddle with him and watch a movie to calm down.
He, naturally, didn’t expect his doorbell to ring not twenty minutes after he arrived and even less did he expect Feng Xin to be there when he opened the door. He’s motionless for a second but then goes to close the door. Only then does Feng Xin react by pressing a hand against it. “A-Qing, wait!”
“Don’t call me that! And go away, how did you even find me here?!”
“I followed you,” Feng Xin admits, “I just…I knew you had a new address, I just wanted to make sure you’d be alright,” he goes on. He is exactly the way Mu Qing remembers him to be. Nosy! Not knowing when to step back, not knowing when to stop asking questions, not knowing when to shut up! And yet always knowing when Mu Qing needed him the most.
Maybe it is because of that last thought that Mu Qing relents. He walks down the hallway, leaving the door open. Feng Xin takes the invitation and for a minute Mu Qing feels slightly lost again. What is he supposed to do now with Feng Xin inside his home?
Thankfully, he doesn’t have to think much, because Feng Xin takes the lead. “I brought you something,” he says as he searches around his backpack and hands Mu Qing a paper bag. “It is not the only thing I bought for you but I thought you might like it.”
Mu Qing remains speechless. He takes a little souvenir out the bag and is stunned by the simplicity of it. It is a magnet for the fridge, nothing special. He can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong in Feng Xin’s mind to think this was somewhat appropriate, but he is even more upset about the fact that Feng Xin is not addressing the way he abandoned him without a reason. In fact, without so much of a word.
Mu Qing waits, he grabs a book hoping to let Feng Xin know that he will not be the one addressing what he did wrong. He doesn’t have to and a big part of him doesn’t want to either, so he waits. But after a while of silence, Feng Xin stands up and gathers his stuff. “Mhm, you seem to be busy, so how about I come to visit you tomorrow, is that okay? I will be staying in a hotel that’s not too far.”
Mu Qing looks at him in disbelief. “I didn’t mean to bother you, I will bring you the other presents tomorrow, please take care.” Feng Xin goes on. Mu Qing watches him get ready but when Feng Xin is just about to go, Mu Qing suddenly can’t possibly let him leave again. He moves fast and before his own better judegment has a say on what he is about to do, he presses his hand against the door, closing it again.
“Don’t leave,” is everything he is able to say. “Don’t leave me again.”
Mu Qing doesn’t have the courage to look at Feng Xin now, so he only feels the motion as Feng Xin turns around and envelopes him in his arms. Mu Qing really didn’t want to let himself be vulnerable in front of Feng Xin but, after a couple of years, he has come to realize, that doesn’t simply work out with him. Feng Xin is not only able to see through him, he is also able to peel every single layer, to break every single wall. In the same way he does now as he hugs Mu Qing so tight against his chest. Mu Qing has to fight the itch in his eyes.
“A-Qing, I missed you so much,” Feng Xin manages to say quietly but Mu Qing slightly slaps on his arm.
“Don’t say anything, just…stay where you are,” and of course, Feng Xin does. He has never denied Mu Qing anything and neither does he now. He presses a light kiss on Mu Qing’s head and strokes his hair. Mu Qing closes his eyes, he thought himself to be stronger than this, but he couldn’t! He just couldn’t see Feng Xin leaving, not like this, not again.
But of course, they can’t stay like this forever, so when they let go, Mu Qing prepares two cups of tea. Feng Xin follows him around but neither one of them speaks. It is only once they have settled in the table one in front of the other that Feng Xin breaks the ice, “If what you said today at the airport is true and you don’t want to see me again, I promise you I will leave…but, I- just needed to see you again.”
“It didn’t bother you not to see for a whole year, did it?” Mu Qing retorts.
Feng Xin looks visibly uncomfortable but he sighs, “A-Qing, I don’t understand, what happened? Why did you suddenly disappear on me?”
He really thought he had heard it all, but looking at Feng Xin acting all confused, Mu Qing sees red. “What do you mean what happened?! What do you mean I disappeared on you!” he says, rather than raising his voice, he talks quietly, dangerously. “You left without a single word, without a goodbye and without an explanation…the only time I hear from you is through Xie Lian to tell me that you’ll be back today and you dare ask me what happened? Do you think I am some kind of toy, Feng Xin?!”
Feng Xin frowns. “What do you mean, A- Qing? I told you! I told you I would go and you encouraged me to do it!”
“What are you talking about!” Mu Qing yells at him. “Do you think I would just forget my boyfriend telling me that he would go study abroad?!”
“A-Qing, I discussed it with you, remember? You were doing your thesis then and you told me that any chance I got, I should take!” Feng Xin defends, now looking legitimately confused. “I called you on the day of my departure but no one answered and I thought you were just busy at your internship but then when I tried contacting you again, your address and phone had been changed! Then Xie Lian even told me you requested never to hear from me again, A- Qing!”
Mu Qing thinks a bit. He is sure he would never forget a conversation so important but as the memories come back to him, he sees himself working on his thesis while Feng Xin speaks. At the time, he was trying to graduate while also working an internship in a very serious company and he was exhausted and grumpy almost everyday. Feng Xin never really complained, he always knew how to make Mu Qing’s days better and kept by his side.
Could it be possible that Feng Xin told him about this but Mu Qing didn’t remember because his attention was diverted. “You said I was going to be successful and I thought of us keeping a long distance relationship for a while but then…you suddenly didn’t want anything to do with me and I didn’t understand why and no one helped me trying to contact you!”
Mu Qing sighs. Those do sound like things he would say to Feng Xin, because he does want him to be successful and of course he would encourage him to take every chance he could get. Had they had a proper discussion, he would’ve definitely accepted keeping a long distance relationship. He loved Feng Xin. He still loves him now. He would do just about anything for him.
“And you took that conversation, in which I was distracted as full confirmation,” Mu Qing says but not as a complaint. “You didn’t call after, you didn’t even write, do you know the kind of thoughts that crossed my mind, Feng Xin? All this time, I thought you’d left me!”
“A- Qing, you changed your number and address, not even Xie Lian wanted to give me your information, I thought you had regretted encouraging me to go, and that long distance was just…not what you wanted,” Feng Xin explains his part of the story and at this point Mu Qing realizes that he was not the only one thinking he was left behind. It was both of them.
Feng Xin stands up and goes to his backpack again, taking out a plastic bag. “These are all the letters I wrote to you but I just didn’t know where to send, no one would tell me where you lived! I had to beg Xie Lian to give you that one last letter because if anything, I just wanted to see you one last time.”
Mu Qing takes the bag and finds inside probably a hundred envelopes, no address written in them. “If you couldn’t send them, why did you keep writing them?” Mu Qing asks as he moves his hand and tries to mentally count the number of envelopes inside.
“Because I missed you so much, A-Qing,” Feng Xin confesses. “All I wanted was to finish the program and come back home to see you- there was no day in which I didn’t think of you, even if I thought you didn’t want me anymore…you still were my main motivation.”
Mu Qing doesn’t know what to say. They always had communication issues but he never thought it could lead them to this. He doesn’t know where they stand now. Where they both thought it ended but, at the same time, it was far from over.
“I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you, A-Qing, I should’ve addressed the trip at a better time back then,” Feng Xin apologizes, “I was pained about leaving but I thought, since I had your support, I would be able to do it.”
Mu Qing stares, “I’m sorry I didn’t pay you the attention you deserved back then- to the point where I can barely even remember having that conversation.”
“You had a lot in mind back then.”
“But you should’ve been my priority.”
“I was, A- Qing, you always showed me how much you cared,” Feng Xin says with a little nod. “I’m not mad about you not remembering the conversation but I am distraught that it caused you so much pain.”
“You were hurting too,” Mu Qing rectifies, Feng Xin nods but he quickly stands up and goes around the table to sit next to Mu Qing.
“If you have time, someday, you can read all those letters and see that my love for you has remained intact,” Feng Xin says with a little smile. “I know we both fucked up and you are probably not ready to take me back yet, but when you are…I will be here waiting.”
“You can’t make a promise like that,” Mu Qing says then. “How can your love be intact if we haven’t spoken in so long?”
Feng Xin moves slightly closer. “You know my program was supposed to last two years, A-Qing?” He takes a hold of Mu Qing’s hand. “I took all the credits, packed my schedule with subjects and did everything to finish it in one year because I just couldn’t handle being away from you any longer.”
“Feng Xin,” Mu Qing sighs before letting his head fall on Feng Xin’s shoulder. Feng Xin instantly hugs him really tight.
“I love you, A-Qing, I always have and I always will- you don’t have to say it back now, I just…”
“I love you too,” Mu Qing murmurs. “I never stopped loving you, not for one second of the past year, not even if I thought you had left me behind. I love you.”
“Would you like to try again?” Feng Xin kisses his temple, “I promise to never again lay out a heavy topic of conversation when you’re focused.”
“And I promise to pay more attention even if I am focused,” Mu Qing says and he smiles when he feels Feng Xin chuckle. “All I know is that I want you- no, I need you by my side, A-Xin, you’re everything to me.”
“Then if you allow me, I’d like to remain here by your side, forever if possible.” Feng Xin places his finger under Mu Qing’s chin to lift his face up. Mu Qing looks at him and yes, time has gone by. Yes they would be starting again and yes he feels vulnerable but the brown of Feng Xin’s eyes is as warm as a cup of coffee in the morning. It assures him that everything will be alright.
He doesn’t want to reply like this, so instead he leans closer and places a kiss on Feng Xin’s lips. Hoping, this is enough of an answer. Feng Xin kisses him softly but holds him really tight. Their lips dance around each other with experience and familiar motions. Feng Xin knows where to softly nip at Mu Qing’s lip to make him gasp and Mu Qing knows how to twirl his tongue to make him growl. After all, they haven’t changed that much.
“Did you say you would stay at a hotel?” Mu Qing asks, when he presses a little peck on Feng Xin’s cheek. “What happened to your place?”
“It’s rented now,” Feng Xin kisses the tip of Mu Qing’s nose. “My parents rented it and sent the money to me abroad, they will ask the tenants to leave but for now, I have to wait.”
“Stay here then,” Mu Qing kisses his lips briefly. “I just…don’t want you to leave.”
“Never again, love,” Feng Xin says softly, now kissing Mu Qing’s forehead. “And if I leave- you’re coming with me.”
Mu Qing smiles. This is the happiest and the most relieved he’s felt in months, in a year- to be exact. For a minute he is slightly afraid that he will wake up and find out that Feng Xin is not there. However, that dreadful feeling disappears as the two of them get ready for bed.
Feng Xin had a long flight, it doesn’t take him long to fall asleep after laying his head down on the pillow. Mu Qing watches him resting trying to remember their conversation back then. His memories are blurry but he knows Feng Xin didn’t lie. Some words he can remember, Feng Xin mentioning a university acceptance and Mu Qing encouraging him to take it. If he’s honest, even if he hadn’t been distracted he wouldn’t have changed his mind. He always knew Feng Xin had the potential to be successful and he will always want to see him shine.
The only difference would’ve been their hearts not being broken for so long. He guesses it is worth it as long as they can still find each other. As long as they remain together as they once promised. He brushes one strand of hair off Feng Xin’s face, he looks really sweet as he sleeps. As sweet as he always did. Mu Qing kisses his forehead, feeling ecstatic over the fact that he finally has Feng Xin by his side again. He goes to turn off the lamp but finds the bag of letters resting on his night stand.
Curiosity gets the best of him. He is not picky and he doesn’t want to wake Feng Xin up so he takes out the first envelope his hand finds as he watches Feng Xin peacefully resting by his side. Mu Qing quietly opens it and reads what seems to be a postcard of a mountain with a river flowing by its side.
Nov 20, 2003
Dearest A- Qing,
I heard that you got the job at the company of your internship, I always knew you would, I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am. As I watch this river flow, I think of you and I wished more than anything you were here. Just a couple of months before I go back home. I can’t wait to see if you have changed or if you look the same as you do in my dreams every night. I miss you a lot and wish nothing but to be by your side again.
Please let me be by your side again.
Love you always,
Feng Xin.
Mu Qing presses the paper against his chest. A part of his mind wants to think of what could’ve happened had he not moved, had he not changed his phone number, had he not told Xie Lian not to speak of Feng Xin. He tries to block those thoughts though, nothing can be changed now. Everything he knows is that he can’t wait to read the rest of the letters, to know a bit of Feng Xin’s life there. But most importantly, he can’t wait to spend many more days like this. With Feng Xin by his side. After all, there is no distance big enough to separate two loving hearts.