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“Remus.”
“Mmm.”
“Wake up. Are you alright?”
“I’m up.” Remus swatted at the air in front of him. He couldn’t pry his eyes open.
“Let’s get you to bed.”
Remus rubbed his eyes and tried to focus. It was coming back in bits and pieces. He remembered laying on the couch in the common room, the horrible headache, and James refusing to turn the music down. The instant relief of the firewhisky, which he realized was still loosely clutched in his left hand. Lily was kneeling at his side, her face blurry, but recognizable by her fiery hair.
“You alright?”
“Yeah.” It felt like a lie. Remus couldn’t put his finger on why. “Just a headache. Happens sometimes.”
“It’s four in the morning. Party ended ages ago. Didn’t anyone think to bring you upstairs?”
“Guess not.” Remus sat up slowly. His head was pounding. He had an odd feeling that something was wrong, but he still couldn’t place it. He set the bottle of firewhisky down on the floor.
“You look sick. Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Shouldn’t I be?”
“Dunno. You came downstairs kind of dazed. Then passed out almost immediately.”
“Hm.”
“Are you still drunk? Do you not remember anything?”
“I dunno.” Honestly, Remus couldn’t tell if he was drunk. The world was fuzzy from the headache, but he supposed it might partially be the whisky.
“I’ll get one of the boys.” Lily’s hair was matted on one side, and half of her face was reddish. She clearly had been passed out on a couch as well. That realization sent an odd pang of guilt through Remus’s body. She had woken up in the common room after a party, probably dreadfully hungover and confused, and her first thought was to help Remus.
“Mmkay.”
Lily rose and picked up the nearly empty bottle. “I’ll keep this away from you for a bit, hmm?”
“Sounds good.”
She started across the common room. Remus briefly wondered why none of the boys had brought him up to bed. He couldn’t count the times James had lugged Peter up the stairs and thrown him into bed after parties, and the times he had woken up with a start to Sirius shaking him awake, laughing that he couldn’t sleep in the common room and it was time to get to bed --
-- and then he remembered what had happened last night.
Sirius, with his lithe frame tangled around Marlene’s. Moments later, Sirius, tugging on Remus’s arm, begging him to get back down the party. And then Sirius, his back pressed against the wall and his chest pressed against Remus’s, his eyes wide with fear and awe and something else that Remus couldn’t place. Their faces inches from each other and their lips bristling with heat and adrenaline.
Fuck.
“Lily,” he managed. Remus’s vision was blurred from the headache, and she was just a blur of red hair, floating on the stairs.
“Don’t tell me you’re going to be sick. I am not dealing with that.”
“No. Don’t get them, it’s fine. I’ll sleep here.”
“Remus.”
“They’re probably sleeping, anyway.”
“I have no problem waking them up. They left you alone down here.”
“It’s fine .” There was no way to explain it to her. He tried to focus, but couldn’t think of a lie.
“They’re shit friends to you.”
“No, they’re not.”
Lily sat back down next to him. “They’re such idiots. I think you passed out before Sirius came down, but he was all over Marlene the second he saw her. And James was drunk by seven o’clock.” She laughed, bitterly. “He was waltzing with Mary, then had his hand up a fourth-year’s skirt a minute later. There’s no way you like them as much as you say you do.”
“They’re just having fun.”
“It’s only fun for them. No one likes watching them pass girls and bottles around with no regard. It’s awful.”
“They’re my friends.” But the word was sour in Remus’s mouth.
“They left you down here alone. Those two don’t care about anyone but themselves.”
“Lily, just go to bed. It’s fine.”
She leaned her head against the back of the couch, and Remus caught tears glistening in her eyes. “I’m so fucking sick of James Potter.”
Remus didn’t answer.
“Worst part is, he danced with me, and as soon as we were done, he turned right back around, took a shot, and stuck his tongue down someone else’s throat.” Lily laughed again. Her voice was hoarse. “Fucking prick.”
“I’m sorry, Lily.” More than anything, Remus wanted to tell her how much he understood. He wanted to tell her everything.
But he couldn’t do that to her. Or do that to Sirius. It would ruin everything.
He had ruined everything.
“I just don’t get how he just thinks he can do whatever he wants. It’s like we’re all props in his sick movie.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
“I’m going to go knock on their door and get one of them to help you.” Lily raised her head and sighed. “I’m done with caring about them.”
Panic rose in Remus’s throat. He could feel the sting of tears pressing against the backs of his eyes. “Just -- I’m fine. It’s fine. Please.”
She turned to him, concern flitting across her face. Her own tears were gone. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.
“No, you’re not,” said Lily.
“Go to bed, Lily.” He was trying not to meet her eyes, because he knew he would start crying for real. “I’m alright.”
She looked at him for another moment, then leaned over and wrapped her arms around him, nestling her face in his shoulder. “No, you’re not, and I know you’re never ever going to tell anyone why.”
He couldn’t help it. “I ruined everything. I don’t know what to fucking do,” he said, and he knew she didn’t know what he was talking about, but she held him tighter and mumbled something gentle into his shoulder.
They sat like that for a little while, soft and warm and aching with the things they could never say aloud.
When they finally broke apart, Remus could see a little straighter. He bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Lily.”
“It’s hard being friends with the Marauders.” She smiled gingerly. “But we do the best we can.”
“We do the best we can.” He couldn’t help but smile back. For a moment, it felt like they could sit there forever, and neither of them would have to face the boys in the dorm upstairs. But realistically, morning would come, and something would have to be said.
He didn’t have to think about that right now, though. Right now, it was just him and Lily, the soft heat of the fireplace and the gentle space between them, and the unspoken weight they shared.