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Their first few weeks in the apartment were a Tetris game. Figuring out how they could fit together in each other’s space and lives was interesting to say the least, but it was surprisingly easy most days. Domestic even. Mornings spent groggily sipping coffee together, afternoons working the bar in perfect sync, and evenings spent teaching Ava how to cook while they orbited one another. Talking until they could hardly stay awake. It was a delightful change of pace from the last few months and Beatrice would be lying if she said she hadn’t been enjoying every single part of it.
Well, almost every part.
The snugness of the apartment was actually nice. She liked the unspoken dance they did existing in close proximity to each other. It felt natural. Comfortable. There was, however, only one queen sized bed.
The first night they slept there, Ava suggested they share. Physical intimacy was a non-issue for her and she thought it would be fun. Like a slumber party.
Beatrice, ever the gentlewoman—or rather, the nun—gave little away for her reasoning, but offered to take the small sofa instead. The idea of being so close to Ava in such a vulnerable and intimate setting wasn’t conducive to her mental health. It was getting harder and harder to deny that not only was she attracted to Ava, but she cared for her deeply.
Too deeply.
Everything she had done to avoid this very problem—shipping off to catholic school and taking vows to seal away these very thoughts, were suddenly being tested. She was failing miserably. Getting to know her, training with her, living with her. It was all hard enough already. She didn’t have the strength to sleep next to her too. It was too much.
Despite everything she told herself she wanted—the goals she had made for herself in this life—she felt those desires superimposing with ones she could barely control. It was killing her.
She’d watch her charm patrons at the bar—male and female alike—and she could feel her mood sour. A petty, childish feeling ripping through her that left her a bottled, brooding mess.
She had no right.
Jealousy was for those with a claim on something and she had none. Even if Ava wanted the same—she couldn’t. And that was the worst part. She was weak and a fraud and all she could do was silently yearn for something she had given up years before she knew how badly she would want it.
She had a purpose and Ava had a calling, and getting hung up on something as silly as love was—
Shit.
She was getting ahead of herself.
If Mary had still been with them, she perhaps would have confided in her. Asked for some kind of guidance or forgiveness…or what she knew Mary would actually provide—understanding. Instead, she did what she always did. She buried it.
Every night Ava would tell her to come share the bed, or at least let them take turns, and every night Beatrice would curl into the sofa without complaint and tell Ava to sleep well.
After a few weeks of this, Beatrice had noticeably gotten more tired as the days went on. She was sore for combat training and yawned through inventory at the bar. Meanwhile, they were getting closer.
They had already been through so much together in such a short time and it bonded them faster than it had with any of the other girls. Ava had told her her greatest fear and Beatrice had shared her deepest shame. They had fought together and lost together and she strangely felt like she had known Ava her whole life. But then again, maybe if she had, her life would have turned out differently.
No. That was wishful thinking talking. A phenomenon that kept happening more and more with every passing day.
She couldn’t explain it at first, but it didn’t take her long to realize what exactly it was she was feeling. It was something she had stuffed down deep and forgotten about, but Ava reignited it in her like the bright glow of the halo.
She liked her.
It was simple and it almost felt pure. But she knew that was a lie, despite how it warmed in her chest. So, she fought it off like she fought everything else. With cold precision and grace. And silence.
But then Ava would hug her like a child or make a crass joke and the warmth would return, fervently and even more than before.
She started to look forward to the small touches and silly moments. Ava breaking out into a fit of giggles at hearing Beatrice accidentally swearing under her breath when she got comfortable enough to forget herself in front of her. The amount of physical affection had been unexpected and yet she started to crave it. Ava hanging off her on a walk or poking her in the side to tease her after sharing another stupid pun.
Their thing.
She felt herself changing and it scared her. Not the change itself, but that she wanted to.
There were also the quiet moments, which surprised her more than anything. Ava could be just as soft and calming as she was outwardly chaotic and charming. Whatever guard she had tried to keep up was crumbling fast—a brick removed with every smile and every touch. A hip check from Ava as they passed by one another or a lingering smile given when Beatrice would silently make her coffee just right without asking. Each heartbeat that fluttered through her like the wings of a hummingbird shook another stone loose.
With every day came another night of fitful sleep and it was beginning to wear on her.
She had been waking up to dreams night after night. Some were sinful, which she was used to—knew how to handle those by now. But others were worse. Dreams of an intimacy beyond sex. Of curling up in warm arms. Caressing the skin of a soft cheek. Staring into open brown eyes.
One night she startled awake. Couldn’t have been sleeping for long, but the room was dark and quiet except for her hammering heart and shaky breath. Tears pricked at eyes as they blinked open into the black void. Her chest ached with how badly she wanted to hold Ava. To trace her brow. Kiss her until she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe now, the longing choking her. Quiet sniffling went through the room. She did her best to stifle any sound as tears started to flow silently down her cheeks.
She hadn’t been held, truly held, in so long that she almost didn’t remember what it felt like.
“Bea…are you ok?” Ava’s voice broke through the silence of the room.
“Yes I um—“, she cleared her throat trying to hide the fact that her voice was thick with emotion. She failed. “Just had a bad dream.” A lie. It was a beautiful dream. It was only bad because it wasn’t real.
“Come sleep with me.”
It was a statement not a request. A jolt went through her at the words. They hung there, Beatrice unable to find the ability to respond, let alone move.
“Bea.” It was just her name, but it sounded like a demand, and she no longer had the energy to deny her.
Beatrice got up and carefully made her way to the foot of the bed, eyes barely adjusted to the dark. She could see the shape of Ava sitting up, waiting. A hand reached out. Patted the spot next to her.
A deep breath and she was crawling her way up to the pillows and sliding under the covers next to Ava who laid back down now that she had finally joined her. Satisfied.
As soon as her head touched the pillow, she was surrounded by Ava’s scent. It was intoxicating and comforting and she instinctively curled into it and turned her back to the body beside her. She was ashamed and weak, but she was too tired to care.
The girl behind her was still. Solid. She felt at peace being so close. Closing her eyes brought visions of her dreams back to the forefront and she opened them again in alarm. The room was nearly as black as her eyelids so it did little to help. The veil between fantasy and reality was blurred with the late hour and being here in her bed next to her sleeping form.
But she wasn’t sleeping, because she felt the mattress dip next to her as Ava shifted closer. A hand came and lightly rested on her arm.
She froze.
Her heart stopped beating all together when she felt a nose nuzzle into the back of her neck. Puffs of cool air tickled the skin there and a shiver ran through her involuntarily.
The shock of it paired with the embarrassment from her reaction held her in place. She didn’t dare move. The hand on her arm was getting warm from the heat of their skin starting to mingle. A thumb had started making slow circles where it rested. Ava kneaded the tops of her feet against Beatrice’s legs like a grasshopper. The ability to speak had left her as Ava continued to cuddle into her.
Beatrice couldn’t take it anymore. She turned over and came face to face with the girl that had completely monopolized her mind.
In the darkness they just stared at one another. It was hard to see, which made her bold. She didn’t feel like herself—or rather, maybe she did.
Her hand came up of its own accord and hovered gently above Ava’s face before finally resting on her cheek. She indulged in it a moment, lightly tracing the skin she found there in reverence.
Unlike the last time Beatrice held Ava in her hands like this, Ava didn’t look away. Instead, she just stared back at her, allowing her to caress her face. It was heavenly.
The irony stilled her touch.
“Maybe I should um…” she frowned, closing her eyes and struggling to think with Ava so close. “Maybe I should go sleep on the floor instead.” The thought of returning to the couch seemed too kind right now. She needed some cold, hard reality to remind her who she was.
“Is that what you want to do?” Ava said back quietly. Knowingly. Beatrice opened her eyes again, but they were heavy. She exhaled and leaned forward, the frown still in place before silently shaking her forehead against Ava’s.
“No,” she finally whispered.
Ava’s hand came up to gently cup her cheek, stroking the skin there and staring intently back at her.
“What do you want?”
It was said with more patience than Beatrice ever thought Ava was capable of, but she could also hear in her voice that she already knew exactly what it was she wanted. She wanted her to say it.
The darkness of the room kept Ava from seeing the blush color her face, but she had no doubt she could feel the warmth against her fingertips.
“I want…” she hesitated, fighting to form the words. “I want something that goes against everything I believe…or at least have tried to believe,” she finished weakly.
“What do want, Bea?” Ava repeated, coaxing whatever “something” was out of her.
She wanted so many things. So many that they all lodged in her throat like a choke point. Forbidding herself from wanting anything had become her penance and she had forgotten how to put her desires first.
There was a pause as she struggled to vocalize all the want she’d been carrying around like a weighted vest and Ava just watched, patiently. Though her wants varied, the summation of them lately all came down to one simple thing; and she finally allowed herself—just this once—to let it slip through.
“You.” It came out so softly, but there was no taking it back no matter how quiet she said it.
The shame combined with the release that comes with honesty caused a single tear to slide out from the corner of each eye, rolling horizontally across her face and onto the bed. Nostrils flared and she swallowed thickly.
The fear she had always been made to feel for who she was melted away and all that was left was her. Ava slowly smiling in front of her in the dark, eyes somehow still sparkling despite the dim room.
There was little distance between them, so it didn’t take much for Ava to connect their lips. Beatrice didn’t move. It was a shock to her system. Not just a first kiss, but her first kiss.
It was chaste and warm and her eyes closed to savor this brief moment of humanity that she never thought she would have, and probably wouldn’t have again. Only now. Only this night.
When Ava pulled away, Beatrice exhaled with a shaky breath, an uncontrollable smile breaking across her features in disbelief. Their hands roamed across the other’s faces. Thumbs grazed gently across eyebrows and fingers ghosted across the curve of the other’s jaw.
Ava leaned in again and recaptured her lips a second time, and this time, Beatrice allowed herself to kiss back. She didn’t know what she was doing, but she wanted to learn. To explore. Ava was more than willing to let her.
Her bottom lip was soft and a little wet, and more enticing than anything she’d ever seen. So, she took it between her own again and again until her lungs burned with the need for breath.
They both just hovered there in each other’s space, not unlike what they had been doing every day together since they came to this city. A comfortable invasion.
“Ava…”
Beatrice spoke into the quiet of the room.
“Yeah?”
“We should stop.” She watched Ava watch her back as she spoke.
“Is that what you want?” There was that patience again. She was guiding the ship, but she was making Beatrice be in charge.
“No, but I have to or I never will.” It could have been a trick from the lack of light, but Ava’s eyes looked darker.
“I wouldn’t mind that.” Beatrice felt her heart melt like molasses.
“Neither would I, but I—can’t.” It nearly broke her to say, but she had to say it.
Ava nodded in understanding, seeing the struggle in her eyes.
“Ok.” She wiped at her lips with her thumb like she wanted to remember what it felt like already and Beatrice shuddered at her touch before Ava began to pull away.
“Wait.”
Ava paused at the quiet desperation in her voice.
“Yeah?”
“Can we…” Beatrice awkwardly stumbled over herself trying to get out what she wanted. “Can we stay like this?” Her hand pulled gently at Ava’s hip, holding her in place.
A small smile played across her mouth as she inhaled slowly in response. Without saying anything, Ava slid her arm through the small space underneath Beatrice’s neck and wrapped her other arm around her front, pulling her in flush against her. She felt every muscle relax at being cradled against her chest, breathing her in deeply.
Her body was buzzing, enveloped and warm on the edge of desire, but she was content.
When all of this was said and done—Adriel defeated and Ava no longer needing to be a warrior nun—would she move on? Forget about her? Could she return to her life before they met? The thought of it made her heart constrict in her chest. Her hand followed suit and curled into the loose shirt against Ava’s side. Maybe if she held her close, she’d never have to let her go.
For tonight, that was enough.
And tonight, she slept.