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Maybe it was how Leo’s day was going, but damn he needed a cigarette. Not that he’s ever smoked before, but it was just one of those days where he sat down on the couch a little too far, sighing in pain as his bones creaked. A cigarette just sounded nice. Like a beer or something. Anything to take the edge off of his body.
But realistically who would even have access to that kind of thing? The only one of age to buy was Raph but he would go into a rant about lung health if Leo asked him to buy him some. Mikey sometimes shows up with alcohol on him but he gets it from Draxum, who definitely won’t let him have any. It’s a wonder why he even lets Mikey have it in the first place. Maybe he doesn’t. Which only left one option: Donnie.
He definitely wouldn’t shun him for making bad choices regarding his health considering he lives on coffee and juice alone some days. And holes himself up in his labs most days. And generally makes poor decisions with his health. Would he have access to that kind of thing though? Leo shakes his head dismissively. He hacks ATMs on the regular, he’s probably found a way to get cigarettes into the lair.
Leo lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His lungs already hurt. He just got out of another physical therapy session with Splinter and Raph. Turns out that getting pommeled into concrete several times during his fight with the Krang breaks a few bones and extends a few muscles too far. He had been so high on adrenaline that he didn’t notice the screaming in his joints until he collapsed into the med bay. Then he had been so high on morphine he couldn’t feel the pain or really anything.
His bones have healed and his muscles returned to a normal state, but being bedridden for weeks and not able to bear weight on his legs had made him weaker. Being a ninja after not being able to so much as do a squat for months took a toll on his body he didn’t like to think about. Physical therapy had been helping him return to normal but his body always ached. His head always hurt and he always felt like he needed a smoke.
It wasn’t like being bedridden for that long had done anything good for his mental state either. Not being able to feed himself, but not able to do basic tasks such as going to the bathroom. It ate away at his mind still, how useless he had been during those weeks. It was always Raph and Mikey who helped him out, Raph with his physical needs and Mikey with his emotional, often sitting with him and watching Jupiter Jim movies on the screen projector they threw up in the medbay to keep Leo from going crazy.
Occasionally Splinter visited to check on him, but by far the one who visited the least was Donnie. Sometimes he would go days without seeing his purple-clad brother. It made his heart ache in ways he didn’t know it would. When he did visit, it was always so… professional. Short and to the point. Donnie would take his vital records, check the machines, and maybe he would say hi to Leo if he was awake, but otherwise, it was… so cut and dry. Mikey said he was going through some stuff with the rest of them and he just needs time.
Well, it’s been months and he still barely sees him. Leo sighs again. Being in that medbay for weeks without seeing him had stirred thoughts into his mind, thoughts he wasn’t sure what to do with. Thoughts he wasn’t exactly uncomfortable with, but ones he simply didn’t know how to handle. Thoughts that kept persisting in annoying ways, such as making his stomach flutter every time he thought he saw Donnie’s bandana in the hallways.
Maybe that’s why Leo’s okay with Donnie’s distance. It gives him time to think about what he feels and what it means. It also meant that asking him for cigarettes would be really awkward. When was the last time they saw each other? Not at breakfast or last night’s dinner. Did he even come to breakfast yesterday? Leo squints against the harsh lights of the living room. His head hurt trying to think too much. It’s definitely been a few days though. Too many days for his liking.
Grunting, he finally pushes himself off of the couch. His need for something to take the edge off was greater than his aversion to awkwardness.
It doesn’t take him long before he’s outside the metal doors of the lab, staring at them with too much intent. C’mon Leo, get it together. After a moment to collect himself, he pushes aside the door, peaking into the dimly lit lab. At first, he doesn’t see his brother, but he sees some sparks fly in the corner of the lab, lighting up the lab with a yellow sort of hue. Slowly he steps in, closing the door behind him. It smells like metal and sweat, a combination he’s grown to know Donnie for. His footsteps echo lightly as he makes his way across the lab, peaking into where Donnie is working.
At first, he doesn’t notice Leo, too fixated on soldering something to a big sheet of metal. It’s almost peaceful back in his own little world, headphones in and helmet down. It’s hard to catch Donnie when he feels truly peaceful. He always has very monotone facial expressions, but there are always lingering emotions under the surface that he doesn’t know to express. To see him so focused and unbothered feels like a treat to Leo, so he stares. Studies. Watches as Donnie’s eyebrows furrow in annoyance.
“Do you need something?” He asks, turning in his chair to face Leo. His expression changes from peaceful to his normal stare. Annoyed and filled with so many emotions behind his eyes.
Leo feebly waves to him to say hello. “Uh, actually yeah. Um…” He feels the words stick in his throat. Maybe it was the way Donnie stared right at him, too intensely for Leo to make his eyes linger with eye contact.
“Spit it out,” Donnie’s voice reeked of impatience, obviously annoyed with Leo’s presence. Leo tried not to flinch at the tone.
“Do you… Do you have any cigarettes?” He finally asks, his hands fidgeting with the wraps around his arms.
Donnie’s expression softens slightly at the question, before instantly returning to his emotion-filled stare. Leo catches it still.
“Yeah. Why?”
Leo finally makes eye contact with Donnie. There’s something in his eyes he can’t quite decipher, but his eyebrows are still furrowed. He sighs.
“I dunno. I need something to take off the edge. It just sounds nice right now,” Leo settles on. It's the truth. He doesn’t have a reason.
“‘It sounds nice?’” Donnie repeats back to him, questioning. Leo simply nods.
Donnie’s eyes flash over as he breaks eye contact. They move to the side, deep in thought. Leo shuffles his feet, anxious at the answer. Finally Donnie sighs.
“Yeah sure. We can go for a smoke.”
Leo’s eyes widen slightly at the wording. “We?”
Donnie’s eyes come back to his, his stare just as intense. It burns through him, making his brain melt in ways he’s not sure is good or not. “Yes, we. We’ll go up to the city and have a few.”
“You smoke?”
Donnie laughs, but it feels like an empty laugh. “You’re not the only one who needed to ‘take off the edge’.”
Donnie gets up from his bench, setting his headphones and mask down. What did that mean? It’s not like Leo knew what Donnie was dealing with. Not even Mikey knew really, and he’s almost over-aware of everyone’s emotional states. The way Donnie said it thought felt like a jab, like it was somehow his fault. Leo shakes his head softly. No, if he was mad at Leo he wouldn’t be offering to smoke with him.
So they leave, Donnie telling him that it was better to smoke on the rooftops and watch the city. Also if they didn’t want Raph or Mikey to find out that they would need to go above ground. Not that Leo was complaining. It was harder though, to get to the rooftops. Normally he could climb the building in New York with ease but his muscles fought him with every step. It didn’t help that it was dark out and finding his footing was much harder than usual. It didn’t stop him from keeping up with Donnie though, it just meant it hurt a little more than usual.
The rooftop they choose is one Leo is already familiar with, often having family meetings up there. Well, before the Shredder and the Krang. Donnie takes a seat on the ledge, letting his legs dangle over the edge, swinging them slightly in the air. Cute. Leo sits next to him, shooing that thought away. Not the time. This was the first time he had seen his brother for more than a few minutes and he is not about to screw it up with feelings he doesn’t know how to handle.
Donnie retrieves a small box from his battleshell, opens it, and offers the first cigarette to Leo. He stares at the box for a moment, taking one out gingerly. Unfortunately, Donnie notices the pause.
“Have you smoked before?”
Leo smiles nervously. “No.”
The stare he receives contains too many emotions. All locked away behind a blank look of annoyance. He knows sometimes that Donnie has trouble displaying his emotions. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel them, Leo has to remind himself, just that displaying them is difficult. He definitely feels them, as his stares are always brimming with thoughts. Like this one. It always looks like he’s doing the math in his head, trying to say the right thing for each situation.
“I see,” Donnie finally says, taking his own cigarette from the cardboard box. “Well, it’s not rocket science. Breathe it into your lungs and exhale. You can hold it for a bit for more of a buzz.”
The next thing he takes from his battle shell is a small blue lighter. It takes a few strikes before it ignites, a small flame struggling to stay alive. Leo hears Donnie curse next to him. He still lights the cigarette, his lips meeting the cheap paper, and takes a deep breath. It’s hypnotizing to watch. He slips back into the focused peacefulness for a moment before it’s interrupted by a long exhale. Smoke billows from his mouth out into the city lights, gray smoke joining in the smog of the night sky.
His eyes turn to meet Leo, who fights back a flustered look as he offers him the lighter. He takes it softly, staring at it. He clicks the wheel a couple of times before the small flame pops back out, flickering at his breath. He simply looks at it, looking at Donnie. Donnie’s eyes soften a little.
“Put it in your mouth and inhale when you’re lighting it. You might have to take a deep breath.”
Leo nods, taking the cigarette between his lips. It’s dry. He brings the lighter to the end, the flame licking at the paper and tobacco as he inhales slightly. It’s not enough, so he breathes in a little deeper. Smoke uncomfortably fills his lungs. He sets the lighter down, the feeling of fire in his lungs unbearable. He exhales but coughs, the smoke burning at his throat as he coughs. Next to him, he can hear a snicker. Normally he would punch playfully his brother for laughing at him but the coughs are too much for him.
“Yeah, and don’t cough. Shit hurts.”
Leo pauses between coughs. “You don’t say?”
Donnie chuckles again at the response. Not an empty one, but a warm one. Leo smiles.
This is nice. Just the two of them on the rooftop, not a care in the world at the moment. As Donnie takes another drag, Leo feels it hit him. A warm fuzziness in his brain that makes his muscles hurt just a little less. Makes his head hurt a little less. Makes his thoughts a little quieter.
“I can see how people can get addicted to these,” Leo says, lifting the cigarette to his lips for another take. He takes less this time, and it feels much smoother. It almost tastes nutty and like burnt toast. It’s not unpleasant.
“Oh yeah,” Donnie says. “I tried not to, but it seems that I needed them more than I thought.”
The sentence confuses Leo again. He wants to ask why he needs them, and why he feels the need to come up into the city and smoke by himself. At the same time, he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. Everything was so fuzzy and nice. It kept nagging at the back of his brain though.
Why did he need them? Was he going through something? Mikey said that he was but he never showed that he was. Not that that meant anything. Why didn’t he visit him in the medbay? Why did he never want to talk to Leo? He sighs, taking another breath in of the cigarette.
“You think too loud,” Donnie says next to him, flicking the first bit of ash off the end of his cigarette.
“Do I?” Leo asks rhetorically. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”
Leo’s muscles tense. Not really. He doesn’t want to ruin the moment. He wants to know though. Wants to know why.
“It’s about you,” Leo says, hoping it’s enough that Donnie might back off voluntarily. He hears him sigh next to him.
“Okay.”
It isn’t a dismissive okay. Fuck. He takes another drag. The warmth surrounds his brain again as he sighs. This is happening, whether he liked it or not.
“Have you been avoiding me?” He finally asks, looking over to Donnie. He simply stares ahead, not making eye contact. His eyes flash over with his thoughts. He also thinks too loud.
“No,” Donnie says simply.
“Then why did you never visit me in the medbay?”
Donnie’s eyes flash with something Leo does recognize. Hurt.
“I don’t know.”
Leo stares ahead of him. He doesn’t know. Maybe it had been wishful thinking to think he had an answer. It tugs at something in his heart. His stupid heart. More smoke in his lungs. It eased the hurt a little. Donnie’s voice returns.
“I was mad at you, I think.”
Well, that’s not a much better answer.
Donnie continues. “I dunno. When you told Casey to close the portal I think a piece of me died that day, and it’s been hard to get it back. I thought I lost you. I did, for a moment.”
Leo lowers his eyes in shame. “I see.”
He knows he did a heroic thing. Sacrificing himself like that. It was a desperate move, really. To show to his brothers he had grown up, to finally prove himself to be worthy of their praise. Maybe if he did this one thing and saved the world, that he would be enough. Enough for Splinter. Enough for his family. Enough for Donnie. He never got to be enough though. When he was torn through the portal the first thing he got berated for was his stunt. About how he should never do that to his family.
It broke him a little. Luckily being bedridden is a great excuse to be out of it. As if his guilt over not getting the key wasn’t enough, he had the guilt of almost dying. He knows he shouldn’t be guilty over it, that it was for the greater good. Nothing can justify the way his brothers looked at him during that first week. Hurt. They tried to be gentle with him but he knew they were mad. Hell, Donnie was still mad.
“I… felt… hurt,” Donnie says slowly, like he’s trying to piece it together himself. “But I knew I couldn’t blame you, you were just trying to protect us.”
“But you do.”
Donnie’s eyes look up at Leo. “Not for that, no.”
The wording confuses Leo again. “But for something else.”
Donnie pauses, realizing his slip-up with his words. He flicks another ash into the alley below them. Leo looks down at his own cigarette. It’s running out. Donnie notices too.
“Seeing you hurt like that was… difficult. Every time I visited it hurt to watch you struggle for everything. It… confused me.”
“Confused,” Leo repeats. Donnie nods.
He can tell Donnie is struggling to make words fit together in sentences. So he waits. He knows Don wants to say something. It just takes time. Good thing he’s learned patience while bedridden. As he flicks the last bit of ash off the tip of the cigarette he takes one last pull, extinguishing it on the concrete below them. He does as Donnie says earlier and holds it in for a few seconds longer, the warmth of the smoke filling him up with more of that fuzzy feeling.
Donnie follows suit, their cigarettes finally finished. “Another?” He asks softly. Leo nods.
They reach for two more cigarettes from the box. Their hands brush slightly as Leo takes one from his brother, the skin contact leaving a trace amount of tingling behind. It makes his heart do another flip and he furrows his brows. Not now.
Donnie lifts the next cigarette to his mouth, struggling with the lighter. It takes almost a minute of trying to spark it before a small flame appears and Donnie lets out a sigh of relief. He lights his own cigarette, inhaling deeply. The same peaceful look in his eyes makes Leo soften a little. He tries to hand Leo the lighter but the flame extinguishes and Donnie’s look goes away, replaced with eyebrows pinched in annoyance.
“You’re going to have to light it off mine. This thing is out of juice.”
Leo stares. “Light it off yours?”
Donnie stares back, pausing for a moment. He takes the cigarette from his mouth, turns it, and gives it to Leo. “Take mine. I’ll just light it off yours.”
Leo fights any redness on his face as he takes the cigarette, gently placing it in his mouth. It’s slightly moist from Donnie’s saliva, and Leo for sure can feel the heat crawling up his cheeks. Donnie takes the one Leo had, placing it in his own mouth. Then he leans in.
To be honest, Leo wasn’t sure what he meant by lighting it off his, but Donnie is so close and staring so intensely. He simply stares back, confused by the look in Donnie’s eyes. It’s dark, secretive almost. As he gets closer, his eyes leave for a moment, down to the tip of their cigarettes. He holds his to Leo’s inhaling as his own cigarette took fire and lit up. He’s so close. Too close. Way too close for Leo’s heart not to start beating out of his chest, ringing in his ears. Too close for Leo not to stare at his lips, the way that they were cracked and in desperate need of chapstick. Too close for him to think coherent thoughts. Donnie looks back up at him. Want .
Donnie backs away, taking the cigarette from his lips. “Confused.”
Leo takes a moment to register the word, remembering their previous conversation. Butterflies are too soft of a word to describe the feeling in his stomach. “I see.”
“Do you?” Donnie asks, eyes glancing back up at him.
“Yeah, I think I do. I was also… confused… when you didn’t want to see me-”
“I did want to see you,” Donnie cuts him off, voice firm.
Leo pauses. “Okay. Well, still. When you didn’t see me. I missed you. More than I should.”
He can see Donnie’s hand grip the concrete ledge a little harder. Leo should be happy that Donnie shares his confusing feelings, but it just feels like something tightening around his chest. It feels scary.
“I.. also felt that way. I chose not to see you because I wanted to sort out these feelings.”
Leo chuckles. What a funny way they share traits. Donnie looks at him in bewilderment.
“I left you alone because it gave me time to sort out my own.”
Donnie snorts, getting the joke, but his face falls into a more serious one. “And did you?”
Leo pauses again, looking at Donnie. His eyes are searching, but soft, his brows no longer furrowed in annoyance. He almost looks… hopeful.
“No. Did you?”
“No.”
They stare at each other for a while, Donnie’s intense look burning itself into Leo’s brain. He tries to search his eyes for the emotions he doesn’t like to express but the blackness of his pupils simply looks back at him. What would they even do about their feelings?
“And you’re not weirded out?” Donnie suddenly asks.
Leo chuckles. “That would be the pot calling the kettle black.”
Donnie stares at him. He needs a better answer than that. Luckily Leo seems to understand.
“No, I’m not weirded out,” Leo says.
Donnie nods in acknowledgment, but Leo still feels confused and scared, rather than elated. The butterflies in his stomach feel more anxious than happy. He takes another breath of the cigarette to calm his mind. It only half works. Donnie is still staring at him though. His eyes flicker down for a moment but Leo catches it. Not like he didn’t look earlier. He wants to kiss him. Donnie wants to kiss him.
“You need chapstick,” Donnie says, breaking the silence. He’s admitting to looking at his lips. Hinting. His self-control must be losing.
Leo chuckles. “So do you.” He isn’t faring much better.
The silence between them is tense, but not a bad tense. They simply stare at each other. Leo wants to kiss him. But what would that accomplish for their feelings? Do they want to try and get over them? Do they want to ignore it? Leo doesn’t want to but knows that it isn’t a good idea to kiss your brother when you both have feelings that aren’t exactly appropriate. It doesn’t help that Donnie is leaning in. Oh shit, he’s leaning in. He stops for a moment to take a long drag of the cigarette, staring intently at Leo.
“I’m going to kiss you now.”
If butterflies were in his heart before, now its knives, clawing their way across his heart. Maybe he was allowed just one kiss. Right? Donnie was offering, kind of, who was he to say no? No, he really shouldn’t, it’s not appropriate. But he really wants to-
Before Leo can finish his thoughts he feels warm lips against his own. Oh. Oh.
His eyes flutter close as he returns the gesture, leaning into the kiss more. Never mind, this felt amazing. His heart pounded in his head, and the back of his brain screamed at him to stop but he ignores it. His lips are too warm to give up right now. Rough and dry, sure, but he probably feels the same. Donnie licks along Leo’s bottom lip, a silent ask to be let in. Leo obliges. The first thing he feels is smoke tickling the back of his throat, Donnie never exhaled. As Donnie starts to, Leo inhales, understanding. He tastes like cigarettes, nutty and burnt. It tastes more pleasant on Donnie’s tongue.
He’s the one to break the kiss, to slowly exhale the smoke from his lungs. He stares at Donnie, whose eyes look dark again, that same look from earlier. Want.
“We should get back to the lair,” Donnie says. “You can hang out in my lab and we can still… talk.”
“Right,” Leo breathes out. “Talk.”
Nothing else.
Donnie’s eyes turn from him as he stands up. Taking the last drag of his cigarette before putting it out and flicking the butt over the ledge. He offers his hand for Leo to take. Softly he takes it, feeling the callouses and burns healed over from his past projects. It still feels warm though, and comforting.
“Are you still confused?” Donnie asks him suddenly.
Leo smiles at him. “No, I don't think I am.”
Donnie smiles back. “Me neither.”