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It was an ordinary, misty, and pretty gray day. Light looked towards the window of his room lazily, and noticed that snowflakes were flying and hitting the glass. Just a few minutes ago it was all clean and clear.
Light shivered and gripped the handle of the hot tea cup he had on his table and brought it to his lips. Nothing will pull him out of the house today, for sure. The train of his thoughts turned back to the events that occurred a month and a half ago.
The most complicated and difficult case in the history of mankind was finally solved. Thinking about it, Light still couldn't believe that everything that happened was really true and that he was a part of it.
If someone had told him a year ago what would happen to him, he would not have believe it, and he would laugh at it, because still, it all seemed like some plot of a movie.
He was a suspect and he was a killer, yet now he was a free man. He was enjoying his freedom, but it could easily have been the complete opposite and perhaps much, much worse.
Light tried to be grateful for it, he really tried. But, sometimes, he would get depressed, despite everything, which was a feeling much stronger than him. He knew, and was aware of what he had done, even though he had no memory of it, and it was haunting him during the day and especially at nights.
It was really hard to get back to normal life and continue living as if nothing had happened. Each new day was a new challenge. There were days when he didn't want to get out of his bed.
Sighing, Light sipped once more and looked at his reflection in the cup of remaining tea.
Ever since he came back home he felt even more lonely than before. That was an additional thing that was making his existence more difficult. No one could know what was bothering him, and he couldn't share his pain with anyone... well, except for one person, but that person was almost unattainable to him.
Although they said to each other that they were friends, and that they will stay in touch, they belonged to some different worlds.
Light doubted that their friendship would even have a chance to last, but secretly, he harbored that tiny hope in the darkest corner of his heart.
Light would often glance at his phone hoping to see that name appear on the screen, but days and days had passed, and the name wasn't appearing.
Light placed the cup back on the table after he took another sip. He directed his gaze again towards the window and put his chin into his palm.
When he was about to finish drinking his tea, the sound of the phone ringing filled the room. Light's heart immediatelly began to jump, and with renewed hope, Light pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and almost fainted when he saw Ryuzaki written on the screen.
"OH MY GOD!"
"Oh my god, oh my god..!" He started to panick but also had the urge to jump from happiness.
"He... he is calling..." he mumbled to himself again staring at the phone. He got up and started pacing his room.
His palms began to sweat and his fingers began to tremble. All of a sudden he didn't know what to do.
"I... I need to answer."
But he also had to calm down first.
Breathe in...
...breathe out.
"There's no much time.. I need to-"
He clutched the phone in his hands, sat at the edge of his bed, and finally answered, "yes?" as calmly as he could. He managed to collect himself on the way.
"Hello, Light-kun."
That voice...
'It's him... it's really him.'
Light smiled, then shakily inhaled.
"Hello, Ryuzaki," he said in such a sweet tone that he cringed.
"Sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to say hi and see how are you? I'm leaving Japan today. I'm heading home."
"Oh, so you're still here? I thought you were back a long time ago." Light said, feeling somehow dissapointed.
"Ah, no... no. I still had to finalize some things and everything dragged on a bit, but finally I have it behind me and I can travel home."
"Hmm... I see, and now everything is alright?"
"Of course, yes, you don't have to worry."
"So when you're leaving?"
"Today at six."
So, there was still time, Light thought, but he didn't understood what was his mind trying to say to him. His heart still wanted to jump out of his chest, but he tried to act cool.
"Well... then, good luck."
"Thank you, Light-kun. And, what about you, how are you doing?"
"I... I'm fine, everything is fine." Light lied.
He wanted to scream and say that nothing is alright. That he feels like he has a hole in his soul after everything what happened, and that he can't sleep peacefully at night. That his scar on his wrist still burns and that it feels heavy. That he still hears the sound of the chain whenever he moves or turns in the bed. That he feels as if he is the loneliest person in the world even when he is surrounded by people.
No, nothing was right after. His life changed completely in those few months and nothing could be the same as before. No matter how much he wanted or tried to make it work.
"Good, that's how it should be. You are young, your life is just beginning..."
'And those lives I took?'
Light felt tightening around his heart.
"Yeah..."
Then he heard him continue, "you're probably going to parties every time you get a chance to make up for the time you lost..."
Twice?
Yes, twice he went to parties when his friends invited him, but he didn't even want to bother going anymore. He was always bored and to him it all seemed like waste of time.
"Yeah, you're right." Light said, then added, "I have lost too much time. But, I don't think that all of it was wasted."
"Oh, you don't think?"
"Well, it was my fault, and you know it didn't have to end like this. It could have been much, much worse for me. I... I still don't think I've earned my freedom at all."
"Light-kun... you were possessed. It wasn't your fault."
"And what if I wasn't? What if it was my choice?"
"No, it wasn't your choice. You had no control over your actions while you owned it."
Light sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath, starting to feel that unpleasant feeling again.
"Light-kun? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking."
L started speaking again, "as I've told you a few times already, it wasn't your fault. Don't think about what happened too much and try to focus on your future."
Future...
'What kind of future do I have when... when... when you're not in it? And this guilt... and this pain. It doesn't want to go away.'
"I'll try, Ryuzaki." Light lied again. His eyes misted and his throat tightened.
Why is he so pathetic?
"Good, good." A brief pause, then, "I'll should be going now..."
"Sure." Light replied a bit disappointedly.
Light wanted to talk more. He wanted the call to never end.
"Take care, Light-kun. And be careful with your thoughts. As I said, it's not your fault."
"Yeah, you're probably right. I'll be more careful."
"We'll be in touch. You can call me whenever you'll need something. And I will try to help as much as I can."
"Thank you."
"Have a nice day and happy Holidays."
"Thanks, happy Holidays to you too."
"Thank you, Light-kun."
The silence ensued and Light listened with anticipation, hoping that L will say something more, but, the detective didn't say another word. Only the breaking of the line followed shortly after.
Light held the phone to his ear for another second or two. His heart dropped when he realized that the call really ended.
Why did it always hurt him so much? Why it felt so important to him whenever they talked or whenever they were close? And why couldn't he stop thinking about the man?
Light threw himself on the mattress and spread his arms above his head, sighing. He dropped the phone and stared at the white ceiling without moving. Only his chest moved, rising and falling, and he still felt that weight on them.
He stayed like that for a while, feeling completely empty. Then an idea began to form in his head and Light suddenly rose to a sitting position.
Why didn't he think of that before?
Well, he did but now, when he knows the detective is still here... It made perfect sense, they were friends after all.
Light decided that he was going to visit him and say his goodbye in person.
Such a perfect excuse to see him.
'That's what friends do, right? Ryuzaki shouldn't be mad at me because of it.'
He got up and started to get ready. He was thoughtfully choosing clothes in the closet and after that he went to the bathroom to freshen up.
__________
Light came by taxi because he didn't want to waste much time even though there were still about five hours left before L leave.
He no longer had access to HQ, and was sure that the detective had changed all the codes since he was last there. He will have no other choice, but to try to ring the door, hoping that L will answer, and that he is indeed there. But if he is in Japan where else would he be? He won't surely be in some random hotel when he build for himself whole building.
No one answered the intercom, but Light waited. After a while the door buzzed and unlocked to let him in. Light stepped forward and continued down the familiar corridor. A surge of emotions began to suffocate him, but he managed to keep his demeanor under control.
When he was finally in front of the last door, the main investigating room, these door also unlocked for him and he stepped in.
The room was dim, only the screens illuminated the space. When Light entered, he noticed that it all looked the same as it did a month and a half ago, as if time had stopped there.
It was messing with his brain. For a split second, he thought that it had all been a dream and that the case was still ongoing. His eyes fixed on the familiar figure hunched over the table with the back turned to him.
When he took a few steps and the door closed behind him he heard that voice, now even clearer than over the phone, "Light-kun, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
Light's breath hitched and Light suddenly wasn't sure how to begin, what to say. His heart rumbled behind his ribs and he didn't want his voice to betray him, so he waited a little to maintan back the control of himself, then said, "you said you were leaving today, so I decided to come in person to say goodbye. I hope you won't mind. I will not keep you long."
"No, I don't mind. We are friends, aren't we? That's what friends do, no?" L said but didn't turn to face him.
Light stopped a few steps behind him.
'That was exactly what I was thinking,' he thought to himself.
"I thought that too. Friends should visit each other. So... here I am."
"I'm glad you came. Please sit down." The detective said and pointed to the chair next to him, the spot where he used to sit.
It brought back the memories. Light wanted to protest at first, but moved his body and walked towards the chair.
"...or would you rather we sit somewhere else, the couch for example?"
"Ah, no. It's okay... it's fine."
"Alright."
It wasn't until Light sat down in the chair next to him that L turned to face him. Light felt the warmth spread through his chest, and also increasing nervousness when those eyes looked back piercingly into his. He smiled even though his intention was to keep his expression neutral.
"So today you're leaving..." he started.
Light didn't expect it but the detective smiled back. "Yeah... the holidays are approaching and I need some rest after this case. I won't rest for long that's for sure, but I need a break."
"That's understandable."
"Tell me... how are you doing? You didn't sound convincing over the phone."
'I didn't sound convincing on the phone...how?' Light was a bit taken aback with that statement. Why did L had to read him so well?
"Good, I'm good. As I already told you... I might have a little trouble getting used to it after everything, but that will pass. This freedom that I have, I have it thanks to you. It's up to me to get used to it in time."
L glanced back at his screen, adding, "It's nothing... I mean, when we found out what it was about I couldn't just accuse you, I had to take other factors into account."
"...but still, you didn't have to act like this. If it had been someone else, I probably wouldn't have gotten a second chance. I surely wouldn't get any chance..."
"Maybe, but maybe not... it depends. But, also, we're friends, so I couldn't just give up on you." L said simply.
Light's face warmed and a slight blush appeared on his cheeks. "Well... it's... that's really kind of you." Light didn't expect any kindness from L in the past, or ever, he thought about him mostly as cold and calculating. But, here they were.
L waved his hand looking at the dessert in front of him, "oh, don't worry. I just wanted to do the right thing," then he scooped a piece up with a spoon and put it in his mouth.
The right thing. Was it really a right thing to do?
And what else could it be?
Light wanted it to be something...
He tried to regain control of himself back again so he looked away.
"Do you want something to drink?" L suddenly changed the subject.
"Huh, well... I might have a cup of coffee."
"Okay," L added and took his cell phone out of his pocket, "Watari? Bring us coffee and a cup of tea."
Again a gesture that reminded Light of the old days, but he assumed L and Watari had been functioning like this forever.
L continued to eat his dessert, and Light wasn't sure how to continue with the conversation, so he kept quiet.
"I'm really glad you came." L added, still focusing on his dessert.
"That's what friends do..."
"Sure."
"Well, maybe I should have stopped by earlier if I'd known you were staying so long."
"It's okay. You're here now."
"Yeah, and how are you doing?"
"Me? ...I'm okay. Now that everything is settled I feel relieved."
'Good for you,' Light thought. He wished he could feel relief too, but who knows if he ever will.
"Yeah... it's a good feeling, no?" he added, and smiled once more. The sadness began to settle into his eyes, he tried to avoid the detective's gaze whenever possible.
"Sure it is."
He felt the man's eyes on him once again, and felt how they challenged him to look in his direction, but he resisted.
Maybe it was a bad idea to come there after all, he pondered, but in the end, he knew that it was something inevitable.
"You know... in a way I'm glad..." the detective started again after a brief pause.
Light gave him his most innocent and surprised look.
The man looked at him and continued, "I'm glad I had the opportunity to work on such a complex case. I haven't felt this alive in a long time, it was refreshing for me. It's just a pity of all those innocent lives..."
Light redirected his look towards the screens and said nothing to that.
"I know you certainly don't feel the same enthusiasm, but...I-"
The door suddenly opened and the old man walked in with a tray in his hands, "good day, Yagami-kun," he greeted Light.
"Good day to you as well, Watari." Light greeted back when the man approached the table.
Watari put on the table a cup of coffee for Light and tea with sugar cubes in a bowl next to it for L. "Anything else?" he asked politely as always.
"For me it's okay, Light-kun?" L said then looked back at Light.
"It's fine. Thank you."
"Thank you, Watari." L added.
Watari bowed and left the room in silence.
The two were soon alone again. As the door closed, L started putting sugar cubes in his tea and said, "hmm, where were we-?"
"You talked about the case." Light reminded him.
"Oh, yes. The case... I said that I was glad that I had the opportunity to work on it..."
"Yes."
"Well... that was somewhat careless choice of words on my part. I realized that too late."
Light turned to him at these words, a bit surprised.
L continued, "this was indeed an interesting case, I must admit, but you... you experienced hell. If it were in my power I wish I could ease it for you somehow."
"Why so? I don't think there's need for it. I deserved to carry that burden for the rest of my life."
"But it's not your fault."
"I don't know whose fault it is, but I don't believe that I was completely innocent. I did kill people after all."
"It is true...-"
"And you told me that yourself."
"Well, yes bu-"
"So there's no need to worry about me." Light interrupted.
"Umm-"
"No."
L sighed, but only temporarily defeated, "Light-kun is stubborn as always."
"I came here as a friend, I didn't came here to ask for your help."
"As far as I know friends help each other."
"Yes, but-"
"... and they are eager to help whenever needed."
"You helped me a lot by not locking me up in jail."
"Eh, that's true. But if I can help you more, I would gladly to."
"As I said, there's no need. Just give up, Ryuzaki."
L pursed his lips, "okay."
Light chuckled, and shook his head, "let's talk about something else."
"And what would you like to talk about?"
"Hmm... let's talk about weather."
The detective looked at him dumfounded. His big eyes widened even more and he didn't move for a few seconds but stared at him as if petrified.
Seeing this, Light smirked, "what? You never talked to anyone about the weather?"
L's lips curved into a smile, "to tell you the truth no, Light-kun will be the first. I had no idea that he would come to me to talk about the weather. Light-kun is really full of surprises."
"I'm glad I managed to surprise you." Light said proudly with a satisfied smile and sinked deeper into his chair.
__________
Of course Light didn't go there to talk about the weather, but that topic opened up many other interesting topics for them to talk about. The time flied pretty quickly, and Light realized that he had been there for almost two hours. He looked at his wristwatch to check on time when he realized what time is it, "it's been that long already!?" he spoke surprised, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you this long..."
"Don't worry, it's okay." The detective reassured him.
"Ah, no, no... you have to travel soon."
"I have two more hours... don't worry." L said casually.
"Okay, but I'll be going." Light got up from the chair.
"As you wish," L got up too, then added, "but before you go I have one small request."
"Yes?"
"Would you mind if I asked for a hug?"
"A hug?" Light asked taken aback, looking surprised back at him.
"Yeah. Just one friendly hug..."
Light still thought he heard it wrong, but he said, "yeah… okay," and waited curiously for what will happen next.
L took a step forward towards him and spread his arms to hug him. Light mirrored the action and spread his arms too.
L wrapped his arms around Light and Light wrapped his arms around L when he came close enough. The detective's hands ended up on his back and Light did the same.
Light's heart started pounding wildly in his chest again, when he felt the detective's body against his own. L straightened up so he could envelope him with his hands better.
The hug didn't seem friendly at all, it seemed rather intimate when some time passed. As the seconds ticked by their bodies were pressed closer together and the grip tightened a bit. L began running his palms over Light's back and Light felt goosebumps appear all over his body.
Light's heart wanted to jump out of his chest when L's head moved from his shoulder deeper to the side of his neck. He gasped softly when he felt L's hot breath on his skin, L's lips brushed it gently.
"L..." Light started softly. There was no more 'Ryuzaki.'
"Yes, Light-kun?"
"You said just one hug..."
"We're hugging, no?"
"Yeah, but-"
"But what?"
"This hugging doesn't seem friendly to me."
"My apologies... but I can't resist." L still didn't let him go and continued to hold him close, his hot breath tickled Light's skin. Light started melting into his touches.
"Ah... ohh-"
"I'm sorry, you wan't me to stop?"
"N-no..." Light gasped out. He didn't want it to end.
"Good..." L whispered.
Light almost let out a moan but managed to hold it back. It was too much all of a sudden. He inhaled deeply and felt the detective's scent again more intensely. He clung to him because his legs almost gave up on him.
L brought their bodies back into balance and Light ended up with his butt against the table and L standing between his legs.
"It will be lonely, won't it?"
Light didn't say anything to that, he was just hugging him back.
"I will miss you dearly..." L added.
"Really? Why would you miss me?" Light mumbled into his shoulder.
"Because you occupy a very special place in my heart."
"Oh-?"
Was he this special to L?
Light felt flattered and happy to hear that, but... was that really true? Did L have the reason to lie to him and make things up like this? Why did L feel this way about him...? And more troubling thing was that he... he was feeling the same way about him.
"Yeah... and I will come to Tokyo at the first opportunity again. I promise." L added and moved his hands down Light's back and snuggled his face in the crook of his neck.
Yeah, very 'friendly' hug.
Light gasped as the rush of excitement washed over him in that moment. L's lips began to move and Light felt soft kisses on his skin. "Ahh..." he groaned and grabbed fistfull of L's sweatshirt.
He felt lightheaded and intoxicated with the new aroused feelings. He didn't understand at all how it came to this, but he didn't want it to stop. He noticed these strange feelings long before, but skillfully suppressed and ignored them all until now.
Not only L's lips but also his tongue started to work on his neck. Light dipped his hands into the detective's wild hair and tilted his head to the side so the man would have better access.
L traveled his lips higher until he reached Light's chin. He brushed it gently with his lips and stopped kissing him. They were now face to face, only a few inches away, looking straight into each other's eyes. Light had the urge to look away but kept looking into L's dark orbs.
L's gaze was magnetic, and pulling him in, it was hard to resist it. Although his eyes were dark, Light could now make out those shades of gray in them and noticed how his pupils dilated.
They communicated silently, without words. In those few minutes they said everything that had been on their minds for months.
L's hands moved again up Light's back. He leaned forward, just a little, but enough that they touch with their noses. Light smiled but swallowed hard, he was still nervous. He knew what was coming, but still that uncertainty in the air was overwhelming. He wanted it to happen, but he also wanted it to last. He loved that longing... anticipation.
"May I?"
"I don't know what are you waiting for..." Light said in a half whisper.
L smiled too. Light so loved to see that sweet smile of his.
L parted his lips, and while he was looking into his eyes, he pressed their lips together. Both closed their eyes right after and indulged in the feeling.
When they separated after a few minutes, panting to catch their breath, L took his phone out of his pocket and pressed a button.
"Watari? Could you please cancel our flight for today, and make reservations for tomorrow?"
Short pause.
"...yes, I know it will be problematic, but please try it, okay? Thanks." L ended the call pretty quickly to resume his task he left off only seconds ago. But Light started speaking, "so you're not traveling back today?" He asked when he heard what L said to the older man.
"No, I have better plans for today." L smirked and put his cell phone back in his jeans pocket.
"Oh, and will be I involved in those plans too?"
"Hm... and what do you think?"
__________
The older man looked at the screens that showed the main investigating room and shook his head.
If he could, he would turn off the cameras, but for L's safety, he couldn't. At least not for now, but that was the option if they'll go too far.
He was searching for the number of the airport from which they were supposed to take off today, and return home, to cancel the flight. Occasionally he glanced at the screen, but he tried to look as little as possible. He wanted to leave them their privacy as much as he could.
He hoped, he really hoped there was nothing to worry about, and that L will be fine, that it is only him used to worry about the young man.