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He ran back as fast as he could, just to see Pat leaving. He seemed sad. angry. disappointed. Pran had disappointed him. He might not want to see me again. Stop! He should stop thinking and focus on his studies and the play instead. He couldn’t afford to mess up other parts of his life as well. And maybe in the meantime, he might come up with a way to make it up to Pat. There had to be some way! He couldn’t lose him. Again.
And then he almost beat up Chart. Ever since the guitar incident, he had been agitated. Despite his attempt to distract himself, he couldn’t stop thinking about Pat. He felt guilty and if he was being honest with himself, scared. He was also kind of avoiding Pat. Or giving him space is what he told himself. His thoughts kept on spiraling.
Chart wanting to leave early was the final straw. He snapped.
“If you’re not up for it. Just quit. No one is stopping you.”
And in a way, these words mirrored his deepest fears regarding the whole Pat situation. Rationally he knew Pat would never say this to him, but a part of him was still scared that one day, the day Pat would be fed up with the bet - with him-, would come.
He knew the bet was more for him than anything else. A way to ease his anxious mind, to make him feel safe. A way to get closer, to explore their feelings, without fully committing to all the risks a relationship might involve.
And competing, that’s what they were used to, that’s all they were ever allowed to do. It’s also why they were masters at it! So much that they were at a stalemate now.
But giving in…? Was that really losing? Being with Pat, it’s what he had spent hours dreaming about since he was 15. His heart had been lost long ago anyway!
But seeing the possibility of it becoming reality, had made another kind of losing quite visible. He had said to Wai “Why even start when you know how it’s going to end.” And wasn’t that the gist of it. If he allowed himself to lose to love, what else could he be losing along the way. Could he handle that?
For a long time, he had hated losing more than anything. Losing against Pat meant disappointing his mae. It meant losing her approval, it felt like losing her love. So slowly he learnt to believe that love isn’t free, that it is conditional.
The day Pat had given him the guitar pick, he'd thought for the first time, this might not be true after all. He didn’t understand Pats behavior, why would he do this? Weren’t they still enemies? He couldn’t help but stare in wonder. Couldn’t help but stare in love.
Loving Pat, for Pran, it had been inevitable.
But for Pat it hadn’t been like this. He had liked others before. It made Pran insecure. Made him wonder, why would Pat bother with him, especially when Pran could only give him this much.
So, when Chart tapped him on the shoulder and said “We’ll see if he is going to replace me or a music guy,” Pran lost it and shoved him back.
And quite honestly if Toto hadn’t stopped him, he doesn’t know what else he would have done.
Later at home, when he had calmed down, he realized that just the thought of Pat replacing him with someone else, had made him lose it. He couldn’t stand their current situation any longer, being stuck in a limbo. The bet, now a crutch no longer needed, just made everything more exhausting and complicated. This wasn’t what he wanted at all. So, he made a plan.
But first he had to ask Pat for help or he’d disappoint the theater group as well.
He was nervous. He felt bad. Maybe they could just ignore what happened, just behave as usual. And if not, he had his plan. Pat would probably, hopefully, forgive him or at least help him out if his plan went right. After all Pat did like him. Yeah, but did he like him enough?
So now he was standing on the rooftop, waiting.
He hated waiting, and the rooftop didn’t help. Instead of calming him down, it just reminded him of Pat. All their past meet ups on the rooftop had, one way or another, ended up in heartbreak, even if one time it had only been in jest.
It was time to stop this pattern.
And then Pat finally arrived.
“You tricked me here for what now?”
Ok. So Pat was still angry. He should be. But not because he thinks I’m not serious about him.
“Come on. I’m not always playing games with you. I just want to see you.”
And he means it. He missed Pat. But before today he hadn’t known how to make up with him. When he had given away the guitar, he hadn’t thought that it could ever hurt Pat. The possibility of having any future with Pat seemed impossible at the time and like it could only end up in disaster and hurt. Pat would get over him, he had gotten over other people before. Heck, days before the kiss he had confessed liking Ink. How could he have known that Pat was this serious and persistent? Giving away the guitar had been a way to protect himself, to prevent himself from giving in to temptation. The guitar would always remind him of Pat. He needed to kill all hope. Because in his mind there was just no future for them.
His mae had made sure of that.
But now he had a plan.
If he forfeited the bet, he could make it up to Pat and at the same time prevent letting down even more people. After the incident with the guitar, it was absurd to think Pat would just help him for nothing. But this was his way of making it up to him and everyone else.
And he did like Pat. So, it was not like he’d say something he didn’t mean. And otherwise, this bet would probably never end. Neither of them would just give in.
It was a good plan.
So, he behaved like it was nothing, behaved like he was confident, like he was sure Pat would agree to it. It was easier to behave like he wasn’t bothered, when in fact he was terrified.
Terrified, Pat wouldn’t agree. Terrified, he’d messed everything up for good. That Pat wouldn’t want him anymore. That Pat had enough.
But all his fears seemed to be unwarranted.
He was just about to confess his feelings, bringing an end to it all, when Pat had to ruin it. That smug asshole!
Confess on the class’s projector screen! The nerve!
Wasn’t confessing in person enough! For Pran it had been nerve-wrecking enough and he didn’t even get to finish!
But if Pat wanted to be an ass about it, Pran wouldn’t come begging. He would find someone else for the play. He would show him!
Well, after he told the theater group.
It was awful. Toto was angry. Understandably. Chart left because of him, and now Pat wouldn’t take the part. They were short on time and couldn’t afford another casting. It was a disaster. And now Toto wanted him to go begging to Chart, when he wasn’t even able to beg Pat.
A nightmare.
And then Pat came! And what an entrance it was. He couldn’t help but stare in wonder. Couldn’t help but stare in love - reminiscent of a moment years ago.
A reminder of what love could look like, of what love could be – unconditional.