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Sometimes it was all too easy to give into the wolf. As much as he tends to call himself a monster and loathe the pull of the moon, he had to admit there was a freeing feeling of letting go within the wolf.
Kimi struggled with depression long before he was a werewolf. He had learnt to live with the dark thoughts swirling in his brain from an early age. Of course he was good at distracting himself but it didn’t really work all the time.
It was when he became a werewolf that the depression got worse. The constant pain and fear, the memory blanks, the moon. It all served to make him feel powerless and out of control. If there was one thing Kimi hated it was not being in control.
But sometimes being the wolf helped.
When he was the wolf, all human thoughts and feelings seemed to be not as important to him. What was important to him didn’t really impact the wolf. The wolf just wanted to hunt and run. Human worries meant nothing to it.
So sometimes, Kimi found himself shifting when his thoughts were too loud. He would run in the woods and let himself get lost in the wolf. It felt good to let go of his human side. To not have to worry, to just think of the feel of the wind in his fur, the warmth of the sun and the scents all around him. He could be free as the wolf.
That is where danger lies in wait.
To lose yourself in the wolf was to lose your very soul.
Kimi didn’t know that of course. Not then. He was just a new werewolf lost in a world he had never wanted to discover. He just wanted to forget. To drift into a new form that never felt panic or sadness. It just felt free.
It was during the days he found a mentor that he realised just how dangerous giving into the wolf could be. His mentor in those days had told him that being the wolf could feel addictive. It could be free and feel like a release. But the wolf and man needed to work together. To give into the wolf would be to give up your human side permanently. To let the wolf win and take over entirely.
Kimi had realised then that he had begun to let the wolf control him and that he needed to feel his emotions, both good and bad, to allow the balance between man and wolf to stay equal.
It was hard and the craving to be the wolf was there deep in his chest on bad days, but he made himself resist. He only shifted when he wanted and made sure to give himself a clear head when he did. It was one of the reasons why he had mastered control over the wolf entirely. It had also helped him keep Sebastian in control when he had had his first transformation under the full moon. He knew the wolf would want to take over Sebastian and he never wanted Sebastian to feel that dark forbidden thrill like he had. He had helped Sebastian overcome his wolf from his very first night.
Later on Kimi finds he has even greater control after Sebastian is scratched. This comes as a surprise to him when it really shouldn’t. Sebastian is his mate. His better half. Kimi unconsciously realises that every time he approaches Sebastian, he feels clearer, more himself. Sebastian was his anchor in dark and stormy seas. He had always been his anchor.
One touch from Sebastian soothed him and his wolf. Sebastian was home and safety. He was love.
Sebastian’s love saves Kimi and in turn it saves Sebastian.
One day Kimi feels Sebastian in their bond, the feeling coming thick and fast. Melancholic, sad, full of a deep despair that didn’t seem to have an end.
It’s a few months after the event that had almost irreparably separated them for good. Things between Sebastian and Kimi were back to normal, or so they seemed.
Kimi was helping Myla in her sandpit when he had felt Sebastian’s sadness. It had hit him deep in his chest and then had been accompanied with pain that was very familiar to him.
Sebastian was changing.
Kimi runs into the bedroom where he had last seen Sebastian with Myla in his arms, wherein he finds a pile of torn clothing and an open window.
Kimi knows instantly what happened and why.
Nestled near the pile of clothing was a brochure for the Minnesota wolf sanctuary, something Sebastian had kept as a souvenir from their first trip but now only brought him pain to look at.
Kimi remembers silver bars and knives covered in blood.
He needed to get to Sebastian.
Leaving Myla with Max, Kimi races into the woods, following Sebastian’s scent trail to where a light blond wolf laid in a pile of tall grasses.
Kimi moves to kneel next to the wolf and gently picks up his head, lovingly brushing away some stray leaves from its face. Sebastian had allowed his hair to grow out and it had translated to his wolf. The fur of his back is longer and thicker and covered in curls. Kimi knows that the fur would get shorter once winter was over, but for now it was beautiful.
“Hey you. I know how you’re feeling, but you can’t stay a wolf feeling like this.” Kimi says gently, resting his forehead against Sebastian’s.
A low whine greets him and Kimi gives a soft huff. “I know it feels good. The wolf doesn’t care about human memories or pain, but giving into the wolf means giving up yourself. It means the wolf dominates you instead of you dominating it. You need to be human. You need to feel your emotions and let them be felt. I’m here, you’re not alone. I know seeing that brochure triggered painful memories for you, but I’m here, you’re here, we are alive and our emotions are there to show us we survived. We survived my love and emotions can be beautiful. The joy we feel at seeing Myla smile, the love we feel when we are together, the feeling of being together joined so tightly no one can separate us. Yes being the wolf dulls the bad emotions, but it will also dull the good. You need to come back and we can talk about how you’re feeling. I don’t want to not see you smile again. You and I can get through this together.”
Sebastian whimpers once and some light seems to come into his eyes. Carefully and slowly Sebastian changes back into his human form and falls into Kimi’s arms, bawling his eyes out as Kimi holds him tightly.
Later that night, once Myla is safely tucked up in bed, Sebastian and Kimi make a nest and talk through their emotions. It’s raw and painful and both parties shed tears, but it’s needed.
Maybe not feeling pain, sadness and panic sounds ideal. But it isn’t really. Not at the chance of losing joy, happiness and love. The good WILL come back. If you stick around and fight. The sun will shine again. It has to and it will.