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Ao'nung never thought that his head would be full of someone's smile. Someone's eyes. Someone's hands, hair, laugh, freckles... Never thought it would be full of a guy. This beautiful, beautiful guy from another clan, absolutely different from anyone he used to see everyday.
He hated him, at first. Him and his whole family who invaded their home, risked their safety. He hated them so much it gave him shivers and it seemed like everything he did wasn't him at all, everything was foggy. He almost killed his brother (unintentionally, of course."we just wanted to prank him"). After this he realized that this is not okay, it was not supposed to happen in the first place.
Then Ao'nung hated himself. Pretty much the same as he hated them, maybe even more. His parents punished him, like they were supposed to, but this wasn't enough for him, he thought that he would banish, hung, let akulas eat himself... this much hate he had. And he thought that everyone in the Sully family wanted for him the same, wanted him dead, until he apologized to Lo'ak and they just laughed it off. "Oh", he thought, "He's not mad?"
Neteyam was brave, kind, protective and, most of all, he was beautiful. Ao'nung hadn't been noticing all this, was too busy wanting their family to be gone, but one day everything changed.
Omatikayan walked up to him, didn't look mad or irritated, which surprised Ao'nung but he played it cool. They were talking. For a long time. Laughed a few times, kicked each other with tails. It was nice not hating him, nice to talk to him. At that exact moment Ao'nung saw Neteyam, his real self, how charming he is, and he realized that he wasn't bad at all. He was amazing, Ao'nung was sure in that.
They became friends shortly after the talk. They were riding ilus together, learning sign language and practicing holding breath under the water. Ao'nung liked it. He was happy, probably the happiest of all time. What he didn't understand is why his heart was beating so fast everytime Neteyam was close. Too close. Like when he was playfully trying to sink Ao'nung under the water by pushing his shoulders. He panicked at that moment, not because he was scared of suffocating, but because Neteyam was touching him. Lately, after millions of apologies from the Omatikayan and saying that everything is fine, he was thinking. Thinking a lot about his feelings because he wasn't sure. He had never been in love and didn't know how he was supposed to feel when this is happening. His parents never talked about it, and he never thought it would be useful. So he assured himself that he actually was scared of dying and nothing else.
He caught himself staring at Neteyam a few times, caught himself thinking "Beautiful". He was sure that it was nothing special, it was okay to find a person beautiful. What he knew was not "nothing special" is to examine every detail of the boy's face, to count his freckles and gaze at his braids as they were swinging around. He didn't give it a meaning, though.
And then Neteyam died. What happened? Why so... empty inside? Why it hurts so fucking much? He wanted to scream. He wanted to rip his hair out of his head, rip his heart out so it wouldn't hurt this much. Why him? That's not fair. He was supposed to live, to continue his lessons at riding and swimming, to be there with him. Ao'nung felt dizzy, he wanted to fall and never get up, wanted to go away.
He forced himself to go to the funeral, out of respect, but he also wanted to see him for the last time. Even though he wasn't smiling anymore, wasn't breathing. It was hard, to stand here and watch him being pushed into the ocean. He tried keeping his tears in, but failed. So many tears rolled down his cheeks, he couldn't see Infront of himself. How long is he standing here? A few minutes? Hours? Days? He couldn't tell, and probably would've kept standing if Tsireya didn't tell him that it's over.
He walked on trembling legs, didn't know where he was heading but he couldn't care less. Just to be far away from this place.
He ended up on the little bridge where they used to call their ilus. His legs in the water, head low and gazing at the palms of his hands. It doesn't feel real somehow. Thinking that he won't see Neteyam ever again doesn't feel real either. He was hoping that it's just a bad dream. A long, tiring, painful bad dream.
"Hey", Ao'nung recognized this voice immediately, blinked but didn't turn around, "Are you okay?"
Tsireya was the best. She somehow always knew that something was wrong with her brother, she could feel it. She knew how to comfort him, make him smile and laugh. He loves her so much.
"What?", his voice is dry, as if he hadn't drank any water it the last few days. He still looks at his hands.
"How do you feel, brother?", Tsireya sat besides him, giving him worrying look and putting a hand on his back. She looks sad.
"Uh," he was thinking for a few seconds, trying to bring himself out of his mind, "Shitty".
She put her head on his shoulder, looking at the calm water.
"I didn't know you were close. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, don't worry", it actually wasn't, nothing was okay, but he has to be polite.
"No, it's not. You were crying at the funeral, lost yourself somewhere. And now you sit here, all alone and sad."
He didn't know what to say. What does she want to hear? She knows him better than anyone else, knows that her words are true, so what is it? "I'm sorry, i shouldn't have said this-"
"No, you're right," he looked at the sky now, placing his hands on the sides. "I feel terrible, honestly. Feels like it's not real."
"What is?"
"His absence. Knowing that he's not with us right now and i will never talk to him again."
"He's with our ancestors, brother, he will always be with us-"
"He's not, Tsireya. Not anymore," he interrupted her, harshly. It was irritating. Why pretend that this is okay and that he is okay if it's not true? "He is not with us unless i can see him Infront of me."
She was silent. Both of them watched the glowing fish swimming around, not knowing what to say. He decided to speak first.
"I liked him, you know", quietly, as if anyone besides her will hear these words.
"Yeah, me too. He was a good person", she smiled, probably remembering something from the past.
"Not like this. The way you like Lo'ak and Lo'ak likes you", he put his head up to the sky, trying to blink his tears away. Stars remind him of Neteyam, of his beautiful bioluminescent freckles.
"Oh", the only thing that comes out of her mouth. It was silent for a couple of minutes, Ao'nung started to regret his words. "Were you dating?", he laughed at these being her first words.
"No", her hand found his as she squeezed them together, "He didn't know. I didn't, either."
"What do you mean?", she frowned.
"I didn't know what those feelings are, we never talked about it. I'm such an idiot, Tsireya", his voice started shaking as tears fulled his eyes. He squeezed their hands even tighter.
"Oh, Ao'nung", she hugged him, trying not to burst into tears herself. She failed.
They sat like this for a little while, talking about Neteyam. Everything still felt surreal and his heart was aching, but at least Tsireya was here, making him feel a little bit better.
Ao'nung will always remember the forest boy that couldn't learn how to ride an ilu, he will always remember him as his first love.