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Give Me Touch

Summary:

His best friend is dead and his past lover thinks he was the one to kill him.
In where everyone has given up on Sirius Black except one man, that knows the truth.

This was meant to be a one-shot but now I can't stop writing :´]

Notes:

Each chapter of this is based on a song. Yes, there is a playlist.

Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3R7WBkK0FQj3d5lmcgImwI

This fic is HEAVILY inspired on the album 'If You Leave' by Daughter. Most of the chapters are based on the songs of that same album, including the own name :)

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This is a canon-deviant fic, set in 1990. Sirius has been in Azkaban for 9 years. Harry Potter is 10 years old, one year away of starting Hogwarts. Severus used to work at Hogwarts as the potions professor but quitted a year ago and lost all contact with the wizarding world. He lives in muggle Britain.

Sirius is 31 and Severus is 30. This is not important whatsoever.

Probably there will be Original Characters introduced later in the story and the rating will change from G to M as well as the tags.

Updates/Spoilers of all of my fics including this one can be found here: https://www.instagram.com/lolomoody.updates/

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Give Me Touch, Because I've Been Missing It

Chapter Text

So I can feel something

Give me touch
'Cause I've been missing it
I'm dreaming of strangers
Kissing me in the night
Just so I
Just so I

Can feel something

- Touch by Daughter

 

It is a dark night on Great Britain, outside it’s rainy and pouring and occasionally lighting fills the sky. The average person wouldn’t even consider the possibility of going out to the streets, they would undoubtedly stay in the coziness of their homes with the chimney lighten up and a cup of hot chocolate on their hands, probably talking with a friend and laughing because of a hilarious joke they told.

But Sirius Black isn’t so lucky.

In fact, he is not even aware there is a storm going on outside Azkaban.

He wouldn’t even know it’s nighttime if it weren’t for the fact the lights had been just turned off just five minutes before.

Although darkness fills the prison mercilessly, silence is nowhere to be found. It’s never there. The prisoners screams are always there to fill it.

It is okay, Sirius has gotten used to them a long time ago. He even learned to tell the difference between the ones that were of pure agony and the ones that were filled with madness. A very useless ability, many would think, but for someone who hasn’t left their cell for almost ten years, it is a very entertaining sport.

Sirius is sitting on the cold floor of his cell and tucked in a corner of it. His head is leaning on one of the walls, trying to fall sleep, in vain. He doesn’t even get more than two hours of sleep every day, but there is no way he can know that for sure. He doesn’t know what time it is for the most part, or how many days has he been there. He used to count them during the first two months he got locked up, then he lost count. There was too much stuff going on in his own head to bother.

Or maybe, just maybe, the dementors had something to do with it.

Yeah, probably that’s right.

Another scream rumbles in one of the cells nearby and Sirius doesn’t even flinch, too used to it.

However, he can’t sleep like that.

Sirius shifts on his spot, like that would help, and tries to control the constant whispering in his head. It is almost as loud as the painful screams of the rest of the prisoners.

Then, without any previous announcement, the heavy and enchanted door of his cell opens widely and a breeze of air comes directly at him, making his whole body shiver. Curiously, Sirius looks up with tired eyes at the intruder that had just burst in his cell like nothing.

Not once in his whole stay had Sirius seen that door being opened completely, the warden is the one to give the prisoners food throughout a small and tiny whole on the door, but it had never been opened. Not even once.

The intruder has a black hood over their head and a cloak of the same colour all around their body completely. 

Sirius doesn’t even move a bit. His eyes wandering on the stranger’s figure. His body without producing any reaction. He is too tired to do so. His posture keeps being suppressed in one of the corners of the cell, immobilized.

The intruder walks slowly towards him and Sirius swallows awkwardly, sinking even more in the cold floor of his cell.

“We need to get out of here.” The intruder speaks. 

Sirius thinks he has heard his voice before, but cannot remember where.

“I’m good, thanks.” His own voice sounds weird, he hasn’t use it in ages since there was no one to talk to.

The intruder scoffs and looks around. Sirius has no interest in listening to the strange man. Almost like his body is there, but his mind is too far away to bother. To care.

“We don’t have too much time” The intruder seems to be losing their patience, but Sirius can’t tell for sure, it has been a long time since he had to figure out someone else’s feelings.

“Time is everything I have, really” Sirius simply says and then closes his eyes again.

“Black.”

The sound of his name causes Sirius to look up to the stranger. He can’t recall the last time someone called him by his name. He can’t recall the last time someone called him at all.

“Ya think it’s a bit rude that you know my name and I don’t know yours?” Sirius says, still trying to remember where the hell has he heard that voice before.

“Oh you know, trust me.” The intruder gets gown to stare directly at Sirius, “In fact, you know me.”

“Cool.” Sirius’s eyes can barely stay open, so he closes them again.

He hears the intruder sight faintly and getting up again.

“Listen to me. We need to get out of here quick. I’m trying to save you, imbecile.”

“That is very kind of you but as I said before, I’m good.”

“Have those dementors suck every scrap of life out of you, or what?” The intruder asks without expecting an answer.

“Don’t know. Go ask them.”

“Black, stop this. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“By the way, while you go ask them, since you can get in the cells like they aren’t enchanted with over fifteen different dark magic spells, can you ask Evan Rosier if he can stop screaming? He has been like this since… I don’t know. I just wanna sleep.”

The intruder hesitates.

“You wanna sleep? Then come with me, I can bring you to a place where silence reigns. With a real bed, even.”

That catches Sirius attention. He looks up.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“Why are you doing this? I don’t even know you.” Sirius says, “And even if I did, why would you be willing to help me? Literally no one cares about me anymore.”

“I mean, you have a point.” He can almost hear the smirk in the intruder’s voice, maybe he is just imagining it, though, “But I don’t like to see innocent people rot in a place they don’t deserve to be in.”

Sirius laughs but then it hurts, so he stops.

“Okay. That’s funny.” He snorts, “Really funny.”

“I am not joking, Black.”

Sirius looks up.

“You must be.”

“Well, I’m not.” The intruder gives Sirius a hand, “Here, let me help you get up.”

Sirius stares at the hand.

“I don’t think I can do that, sorry.” He leans into the wall even more, struggling not to close his eyes, “Get up, I mean.”

“Well, you have to.”

“Actually, no I don’t. You have offered me your help and I have nicely declined it. Now go away.”

The intruder groans.

“Listen-“

“No, listen to me” He interrupts, “I have nothing. Nothing worth out there. All my friends left a long time ago. I abandoned my family and I have no place to call home anymore. I only have this cell and infinite time. It’s all that’s left. Let me be, will ya?”

“They left you because they thought you were the traitor.”

“Yeah, I kn- wait.” Sirius stops, “How the fuck do you know that?”

“I know a lot of things, Black.” The intruder says, “And I’m willing to share them with you if you accompany me.”

“You are stubborn.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I know who you are first?” Sirius asks, looking up, “I wanna know the name of the person that murders me, if you happen to be the one.”

“Fair.”

The intruder removes his hood slowly. Black hair falls down, covering his shoulders completely. His eyes are of the same colour as his hair and Sirius is surprised to see how dark they are.

Something links on the back of Sirius’ mind.

“You’ve grown up.” He says, looking at the man up and down.

“Can’t say the same about you.”

There is a moment of silence.

“Why are you so determined to get me out, Snape?”

He still remembers his name. ¿How can he forget? His friends and him used to make his life a living hell during Hogwarts.

Not your friends anymore, a voice says in his head and Sirius pushes it down.

“I already told you.” Snape says, “I don’t like you, but you are innocent. And I like to fight injustices.”

“What would I do without you.”

“Rot in this cell, it seems.”

“Whatever.” Sirius replies.

Silence again.

“Okay, Black. I know that we… don’t get on very much, let me put it that way, but I know you weren’t the one to kill all those muggles nor the Potters’ traitor, and I’m willing to get you out of here and bring you to my home. You… don’t deserve to be here.”

Sirius looks directly at Snape, his brain trying to register the words. He’s much more awake now, for some reason.

“Okay, let’s say we were escape, do you think everyone will let me be free? Do you really believe they will just… let me be. No, they won’t.” Sirius says, struggling to form coherent sentences after years with them only living in the back of his head, “I don’t wanna be in the run, not anymore.”

“And I don’t want you to be.” Snape raises Sirius chin to get him to look at him, “I-I am not going to let you go through anymore pain.”

Sirius freezes. Trying desperately not to lean on the other man’ touch. It had been a really long time since he had experienced someone else touching him. He used to hug himself on his first nights there, pretending it was Remus who was doing it, but he wasn’t.

Sirius had been submerged in the unfamiliar feeling of betrayal for a long time, even now it still ached, squeezing his stomach mercilessly, preventing him from breathing. Even if the wounds had already healed, the walls around him were a constant reminder of their existence.

And so, Sirius decides to give up.

He lets himself have a moment of rest and completely get loose on Snape’ touch. Sirius notices how the other man moves his hand to his cheek, pressing it against his cold skin. Sirius gets instantly hook to the contact and secretly hopes it never ends. He can’t let it end.

It feels way to good to have someone touch him again, like taking a deep breath after years of holding it. His whole body relaxes and Sirius can feel himself getting warmer and warmer as minutes go by, to the point where his mind is completely blank and almost begs for more touch from the other man.

But the touch goes away and Sirius feels like all the cold in the world returns to him.

He can feel himself shiver again.

And he hates it.

Sirius holds back a grunt and opens his eyes, when has he close them?

Snape’ dark eyes are on him, they have a strange shine that Sirius cannot fully understand. He looks back at Snape’ hand, silently wanting it again on his cheek. His desire for human touch started to grow just when Sirius started to loose count of the days on his cell, he then started to imitate and fantasize about how would it feel, but it was never enough. It was never the same.

But then, when Severus’ hand laid so peaceful in his cheek, the memory of Remus stroking his skin came unexpectedly to his mind.

He doesn’t love you anymore. He thought you were a traitor and a liar. He isn’t your lover anymore.

The nasty voice in his head says, and Sirius knows it’s right. But somehow, it doesn’t feel as bad as it normally does. Sirius is not gonna let his past lover take over his thoughts, at least not in this very specific moment.

“Why after so many years?” Sirius asks after minutes of silence.

Snape looks away.

“I always suspected something was wrong about what happened, it just… didn’t make sense. I had this gut feeling you weren’t the one who did it but I was never able to prove it. Besides, you didn’t even get a trial and went straight into this hell of a place. I’ve been trying to find physical evidence of your innocence for years but it turned out to be more difficult as I initially thought. Should have expected it, to be honest.” Snape explains, “But then, when I was about to give up, I remembered about… our time in Hogwarts, it- it occasionally hits me, you know? And it’s like I’m back there again with you, your friends and your damn sick pranks that made me crack so many times. And it hurts.

Snape’ voice cracks and he stops talking. Sirius is now looking at him, sympathy flowing through his eyes and body. 

He now realizes that both are stuck in the past and incapable of living the present.

“But that doesn’t matter.” Snape puts himself together again and keeps talking, “The thing is that I somehow figure out Pettigrew, that filthy rat, was the one to kill all those muggles and then blame it on you. And not only that, he was also the Potters’ traitor.”

“I know.” Sirius simply replies, like it’s not such a big deal, like it did not completely break him in pieces when he found out what little he meant to someone he considered to be a friend.

“And how do you know he’s a rat?” Sirius asks, looking up.

Snape laughs and the sound is so refreshing for Sirius that he gets goosebumps.

“Oh c’mon, I have known since fifth year. Did you really think Potter could have possibly “saved” me from Lupin without being in his form?”

Sirius frowns.

“He never mentioned any of that.”

“Of course he didn’t.” Snape says with a bitter tongue, “He was so ashamed that I had discovered another one of your little secrets that he didn’t inform you that he transformed right in front of me. There is a lot of things they didn’t tell you, Black.”

“Oh.”

Sirius looks down again, feeling even more embarrassed than before.

“A-about the prank-”

“That doesn’t matter anymore.” Snape interrupts him harshly, “What matters is that we get out of here now. We’ll continue talking at my home, don’t worry.”

Don’t worry.

How could he not worry? He is going to leave this place forever and live like a free man once again.

His whole body shivers, not sure if it’s a good idea, but Snape is already offering his hand for him to grab and Sirius is still desperate for human contact.

“Does the bed offer still stand?” Sirius asks, focusing on the feeling their intertwined hands causes in his body.

“Always.”