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When Nagi and Reo broke up, it seemed like the universe had caved in on itself, and had been reborn anew. Any and all constants and steadiness that had been around before disappeared in an instant, and "normality" took on a new form, a different, much different, form.
That "normality" had one step in the relationship between Reo and Nagi, who have been childhood friends since forever, longer than any of them could remember. And before they knew it, boyfriends as well. Though, as long as they were concerned, nothing had changed. Their relationship had just taken on a different name.
Just how that happened wasn't of concern to anyone, of course, only kept secret to Nagi and Reo, their own intertwined promise.
And the day it happened was kept secret too, as the day was nothing more than normal and constant. That was how Nagi liked it. It seems like that has changed as well.
The day it happened, Nagi was fast asleep, and deep in his five pm nap. He had on his white, baggy hoodie that served more like a blanket than clothes, and he still had on his jeans and shoes. At five, the sun was hanging low on the horizon, just grazing over the tops of buildings. His bedroom had a wide, large window just over his bed, so the setting sunlight casted a glow into his room and filled up the empty, still space.
Nagi was fast asleep, until his phone began ringing.
One of his eyes opened slowly and, while still adjusting to the blurry reality, Nagi looked down at his floor where the phone made the obnoxious ringing tone, and the screen showed the caller's name. It looked like it had dropped when he was sleeping.
Even while Nagi tried to ignore it, the ringing didn't stop. So he just stared at the blurry screen long enough until the letters came together. It was Reo. Reo was calling.
Begrudgingly, Nagi reached out and grabbed the phone in his hands. He still laid on his bed while he answered.
"Reo? Whatchu want?" His voice apparently still hadn't woken up, since it still felt too deep and heavy. Nagi stared up at the ceiling while he waited for a response, tracing over its bumpy texture and tiles.
Only there was no response. Instead, all he heard was static covering heavy, unsteady breathing. There was a lot of shuffling, like the other end was taking on a marathon, and wind passing through the speaker. A shaky voice eventually answered. "Hey, um, Nagi, can you come meet me? Somewhere, uh here... here, like the park? Just...Can you come over here, please?"
The park. That was a good mile or two away. And Nagi was in his bed, comfortably warm and asleep. Outside was cold, like it would be on a typical winter day. Going over would mean getting up, putting on a jacket, and walking for 30 minutes. And his whole body was still tired. His eyes were tired. Nothing about him felt like getting up.
But as Nagi stayed on the line, the shakiness of the speaker didn't stop, and neither did the heavy breathing. The shuffling had stopped, so each unsteady breath went through clear as day. Nagi stared back up at the ceiling.
"...alright. I'll be right there." He hung up, and laid some more on the bed. What a pain, he thought.
Going as quickly as he could, Nagi exited his apartment, and began walking, then sprinting. His jacket was deep in his closet, so he didn't have time to get it out. That left him with just the big hoodie to cover himself from the freezing cold.
He's only been to the park a few times before, and those were with his babysitters when he was a child. And yet, Nagi knew exactly when he arrived, because he saw a purple head of hair slouched on a bench. As he got closer, Reo didn't move, and Nagi saw the empty space beside him.
This isn't fair. Reo was always the better one at this. He always knew exactly what to do, how to act and where to move, in contrast to Nagi, who would rather walk away and let someone else deal with it. But that Reo wasn't around. Nagi only saw the broken figure in front of him, the Reo who couldn't even look at him.
So Nagi planted himself next to this new Reo, and slung his arm over his shoulder the only way he knew how. The way Reo knew.
And it seemed that worked, because before his very own eyes, the figure crumbled apart.
Nagi saw Reo crumble apart.
His arm that was slung over Reo's shoulder became ignored, and Nagi was pulled into a hug, with Reo tightly holding his neck in his arms, tugging him close. His breathing became buried in the thick, white hood.
Nagi didn't say anything. He felt the breathing and wetness behind his neck, the sound echoing in his ears, the tight, tight hold around his shoulders, and he wrapped his arms around Reo. Nagi never noticed how small Reo was.
Neither of them wanted to move. Neither of them wanted to let go of each other. Nagi didn't mind. It almost felt like sleeping in his bed again. The shaky body he held slowly began to wind down, until it began still in his arms, and the breathing that heated up the back of his head had slowed into a gentle, steady stream. But the hold that Reo had on him didn't loosen in the slightest.
Nagi buried his own face in Reo's shoulder, and he realized that Reo still had on his school uniform. His arms began to grow tired from holding him so tightly.
"Are you bothered?" That was Reo asking. Nagi watched the ground, the setting sun casting a red orange hue on the concrete. Any moment now, it would become night.
"No." Any attempts to move his neck was in vain. "My neck is starting to hurt though."
"Idiot." Nagi heard the smile in Reo's voice, and he ignored his aching arms to hold him closer. The pain didn't matter in that moment. He wonder if Reo's arms were always this achy.
"What happened?" Nagi asked.
Reo's breath stayed still, and his hold became suffocating. "Shitty parents," he whispered. It was so quiet that Nagi could barely hear him, even with his head right by his ear. He couldn't even see his face, as Reo has buried himself completely in the white fabric. "Hey Nagi," he said. Any venom that was in his voice during his previous answer was gone, and his words became so unbelievably small.
"Will you ever leave?"
"No."
Nagi fell quiet and whispered, "Will you?"
Reo also stayed quiet. One second passed, and another, before he answered. "No." The wind carried his voice.
Reo moved away from him, and they let go of each other. Then Nagi was able to get a good look at Reo's face. His eyes were puffy and red. In fact, his entire face was covered in this light shade of pink. It seemed like Reo knew that, because he immediately used his arm to rub his eyes. It moved like it was going in slow motion.
A static hum rang in the background, and Nagi looked down to see vibrations coming from Reo's pocket. One corner of the white and purple phone case stuck out and in the red and purple and blue sky, the bright light shone brightly. But Reo didn't touch it. He didn't even look at it.
Nagi stood up from the comfortable bench and he looked down behind him. Reo wasn't looking at him now. His gaze was fixed on the floor, like it was watching an ant run along the concrete. His breaths let out little puffs of mist against the freezing air.
Nagi turned around so his back faced Reo, who still hadn't move from his spot, and he squatted down a bit. "I'll carry you," he said, speaking not too loudly, as if any loud sound would scare him away. From where he stood, the sun shone directly into his eyes, so he turned his head too, and looked at Reo.
Reo was no longer looking at the floor. His fixed gaze had moved from the concrete gray park path up to Nagi, and it shone with the first glint Nagi has seen since he arrived. Like another piece of Reo came back together. He stared long at him, then to where Nagi held out his arms behind his back, before he slowly got up and stumbled over.
When he arrived, he nearly fell on Nagi's back, and his arms wrapped around his neck. Not too tightly, but firm enough that it was clear he wasn't planning on letting go. Firm and close.
When Nagi began walking, he realized that Reo was a lot heavier than he thought. His body was still tired, and the weight on his back only pushed him further to the ground. Even while feeling warm with Reo wrapped around him, the cold still bit at him, and the loose breeze pushed it against his face. Breathing in made shards of ice pierce his lungs. The path stretched before him. This is a lot of work, Nagi thought.
Reo began to shift around, and Nagi looked down to see Reo’s face nuzzled against his neck. His eyes were closed, and the puffy red ring around it could barely be seen. His head moved again, and now his cheek laid still against his hoodie, the corners of his mouth shifted upwards to look nearly like a smile. It almost looked like he was sleeping. Nagi looked back up at the path.
"I'll give it a try, Reo," he whispered under his breath. If Reo heard him, he didn't answer. Only steady breaths, in and out.
Nagi didn't know how much longer he took, carrying Reo on his back, to get to his apartment compared to when he came without him, only that by the time he saw the familiar street name, the sun was far gone.
When he opened up the front door, the same, still room greeted him.
Shifting him around as gently as he could, Nagi set Reo down on the couch, who still slept quietly. He turned on the lights and looked over at the clock laying on one of the small tables. 7:30.
Now that his back was freed from the heavy weight, it begged to lay flat on his bed and for a moment, Nagi almost gave into it. He doesn't think he remembered the last time he felt so tired. Goosebumps began to go up down his neck and he remembered that he never turned on the heater. Nagi looked at the couch, where Reo slept and stayed still.
Maybe just a blanket would work. If he had any, they would probably be laying somewhere deep in his closet, right next to that winter jacket he never bothered to fished out.
Reo shifted again, until he faced the backrest of the couch. His head was tilted downwards, and his body grew smaller, caved in on itself.
Nagi sighed and walked over to the closet, a small room in a hallway. As he rummaged over everything, fishing inside as deep as he could in the piles of various items he didn't know he had, his arms felt so incredibly tired. But eventually he found it. A small, fuzzy blanket with a white and blue design, and little purple dots all over it. Even though it was old, the blanket was still soft to the touch.
When he walked back to where Reo was, Reo was no longer sleeping. He was sitting straight up, looking directly at him.
"You're really fucking loud, you know." His voice stayed low and quiet. Nagi threw the blanket over the side of the couch and sat on the other side, making sure to place a good distance between them. Leaning back, he rested his head on the backrest, and stared up at the ceiling. Reo's gaze was still on him; Nagi could see it from the corner of his eye.
Neither of them spoke, so there was total silence in the room, vibrating throughout the entire apartment. It bounced off the empty walls and rooms, places where Nagi had done the bare minimum in decoration.
The apartment sat, cold and empty.
"Do your parents ever call?" Nagi shifted his head ever so slightly. Reo was looking all around the space, eyeing the half-opened containers on the counter, the overflowing trash bin, and the far-too clean carpet. Even the couch still felt brand new. Then he remembered that Reo hadn't seen his apartment before now.
Nagi stared back at the ceiling. "Sometimes," he said. "But it’s a pain to get up answer." He sank deeper in the couch, and allowed his eyes to blink one at a time. Reo was staring the floor, his hands tensely pressed together in front of him.
"Do they ever mind?"
Nagi closed his eyes and opened them again. "No." They don't care.
"...you didn't have to carry me. I could've walked," Reo said. That voice was back, that small, quiet voice. It made Nagi want to shake him, shake away that smallness because Reo wasn't small. But Nagi didn't do that. Not only because his body didn't feel like moving, but also because Nagi could feel it too. The ceiling stretched out so far and big above him.
"You couldn't," Nagi explained. "It was too far away." Too small. All his words were way too small. Too tiny and quiet and shaky, everything that there was too much of. Dammit Reo. "Why did you call me?" Why me?
For a moment, he didn't think Reo had an answer.
"...I didn't know what to do. So I called you. That's all." Nagi looked over, and Reo looked back at him. His eyes traced over his face, moving and moving. "Do you mind?" His eyebrows were tense, and it looked like he wanted to press backwards. He bit and bit the inside of cheek. Even with his eyes on him, they didn't move up to meet Nagi's eyes.
It made Nagi want to grab his face and force those eyes to meet his. Those shaky, scared, small eyes. He swallowed down the saliva in his throat. "No," he said clearly. Strongly. Trying to make the word as big as he possibly could. He tried so hard that day.
Nagi stood up and began walking away before he stopped himself. He looked behind him where Reo still sat. "Follow me," he said. Reo looked up and, without another word, he followed right behind him.
They entered Nagi's bedroom. Nagi grabbed the sleeping bag that laid in corner, the one he used a few days ago when his bed still hadn't arrived. He set it on the floor and then flopped on his own bed next to it, not even bothering to turn on the lights. Shuffling happened behind him, and he heard the zip of the sleeping bag opening and Reo settling himself in. Then everything was silent again.
Despite nearly falling asleep on the couch and the tiredness his body felt, Nagi didn't drift off right away. His eyes blinked sporadically and stayed wide open, staring directly at the window and the painted white walls around it. It was so dark outside. Only small specks of stars dotted the sky. Even the stars couldn't shine bright enough to light up the night, not when the moon was nowhere in sight. Nagi found himself counting each one as they appeared. He wasn't sure for how long, but it felt like an eternity. It was at least long enough that, before he knew it, there wasn't an area of the dark sky that didn't have a star in it. It was everywhere. Small, but beautiful.
Nagi shifted around and spotted Reo laying on the floor below him. His eyes were open too, staring up at the ceiling. Maybe it was the dark shadows inside their rooms, barely lit by the window, but Nagi no longer saw those puffy red circles under Reo's eyes. His body stayed still and calm, his breathing stayed calm, everything stayed as normal as they could be that Nagi almost mistaken this Reo for the one he always knew.
He would've, if it weren't for those tired, tired eyes staring straight up. Or those tense hands on his chest, pressed close against him.
"I'm not leaving, Reo."
Reo's gaze didn't leave the ceiling, and his hands only pulled closer to him. Like he was giving a hug to himself. "Is that a promise?" he whispered.
"That's a promise. I don't think I could, even if I wanted to." Reo let out a small laugh, one that bit at the cold air. His eyes left the ceiling, and turned away from him. Nagi noticed the way that the star-lit sky behind him shone on Reo's head and hair, and danced along the planes of his face. His eyes were hidden, but his mouth was twisted up into a tight smile.
"How can you be so sure? You'll probably find someone better, until then it’s not too long now..." His words trailed off.
Nagi moved completely until he faced Reo, who still stared away from him. His body was curled up in a ball under the flap of the sleeping bag. "No, I don't think I could," Nagi said quietly. Reo shifted away. "I don't think I could wish for anyone more than you, Reo."
Reo stopped moving, and Nagi could feel his heartbeat as once he said that, pulsing in his ears. But he couldn't take back those words then because every one was true. Maybe Reo knew that, because when he shifted again, it was towards Nagi. His eyes met his, and they were all glossy and bright, lit by the starlight reflecting off, wet with what were probably unshed tears. Nagi's heart sped up, but he didn't move his gaze one bit away from Reo's. Do you mean it, it seemed to ask. Nagi tried his hardest to say yes.
Starstruck. That was what he would describe Reo's face that day, if he had to describe it now. Open wide eyes with shiny irises, rosy cheeks and every other part of his face painted with a light pink. If Nagi didn't know better, he would've thought Reo was looking at the night sky behind him instead of his own unremarkable face. Maybe it was both.
Reo's flushed face moved away, and he buried it in the built-in pillow of the sleeping bag. The same way he did when it was Nagi's hoodie he was sleeping against. A loose smile broke out on his face.
Seconds and minutes passed, and Nagi's eyes began to droop and blink slower each time. Reo still had his face in the pillow, and it looked like he was staring at the wall away from Nagi. His ears were bright red. The air between them had never been so quiet, and hasn't been since. But it wasn't a bad thing. It just meant that Nagi could finally go to sleep, properly tired and exhausted, staring at someone he didn't knew he wanted, but that held his entire heart. For how cold that apartment was, Nagi felt so warm that night.
And just as he closed his eyes shut, Reo spoke once more. "Hey Nagi," he said. Nagi hummed back. He could hear the soft smile in Reo's voice again. "That's sounds like something a boyfriend would say."
Nagi didn't bother to open his eyes, murmuring, "Says you," before silently smiling to himself, knowing Reo could see it too. "That's sounds like a lot of work, though."
"... would you do it?"
Boyfriend. Nagi tossed the idea in his head. Maybe that was the feeling he had began to know up until then, that new sensation deep inside him when it came to Reo. He didn't know how it would work; he barely had any knowledge on what it would mean to be a boyfriend, being limited only to drama shows, and yet even though he could already picture the long and too-difficult path ahead of him, maybe it was Reo laying in front of him that made it feel worthwhile.
"Yeah, I would. If it's for you, Reo, I'll give it a try."
Even when he broke up their relationship years later, from start to end, Nagi Seishiro never stopped trying.