Chapter Text
The heavy doors of the restaurant thudded close behind TK, the frigid shadowy night greeting him as he walked out onto the street. He had no idea where he was going, he just needed to get as far away from the restaurant as he could, as far away from Alex as he could.
Deep down TK knew it wouldn’t make a difference, no amount of distance would change what just happened, would take away the numbing, sickening feeling spreading throughout his entire body.
There was something that would stop this feeling.
He slammed his eyes shut, squeezing them as he stopped walking, reaching up to scrub a hand down his face. How had this happened? TK’s lip was trembling, his teeth chattering together, TK had no idea if it was the cold that was gnawing at his bones or the adrenaline that was still pumping around his body.
His chest was tight, the hand of heartbreak wrapped tight around his lungs squeezing till there was no air in them. His breath was coming out in sharp gasps, his brain unable to land on any one thought.
He’d asked Alex to marry him.
After weeks of debating the idea, he finally convinced himself it was the right thing to do. He’d then spent the next few weeks picking the restaurant, the day, the ring, he’d planned everything down to a T; except, Alex saying no.
Alex had said no.
Alex said no. Alex was in love with someone else.
The brain that moments ago was full of a thousand thoughts and was unable to focus on anything was now empty except for one thought on repeat.
Alex had said no.
It repeated and grew louder and louder, TK ran his hands through his hair tugging at the ends like he might be able to rip the thought from his mind.
There was only one way to remove the thought from his mind, only one surefire method he knew how to clear his head of every thought and just leave peace.
TK shoved his hand into his pocket whipping his phone out. He almost dropped the phone to the stained pavement when the image of him and Alex flashed up on the screen. TK pushed the nausea growing in his stomach down and he pulled open his contact list, scrolling down till he found what he was looking for.
He clicked the fake name he had filled them under and the phone rang for a moment before it clicked to life.
“Kennedy, haven’t heard from you in a while,” The voice said. A while was an understatement, it had been 5 years since TK had dialled this number and met his dealer in some dark corner of town, “How many you need?” He asked.
He didn’t sound surprised TK was calling him, the shame and guilt started to seep into TK’s chest.
He’d been sober for 5 years. TK opened his mouth, his mouth making various shapes as he tried to think of something to say. “Yo dude, what you want?”
To take back this whole evening.
To not be able to feel or think anything right now.
To forget Alex.
TK pulled the phone from his face and shut it off, shoving it back into his pocket. He should go home. He should order a taxi, go home and shut himself in until this feeling passes.
Would it pass?
TK tried to take some steadying breaths, hoping with every exhale the itch and cravings would disappear.
They didn’t.
Someone knocked into TK’s shoulder as they walked past, causing TK to stubble for a moment.
It was then TK realised he had no idea where he was.
From where he was standing he could see various shops that were closed, a few restaurants dotted around, and in the middle of all this; a bar.
It was small, half the size of most of the restaurants surrounding it. There was a glowing blue sign in the window flashing the word ‘bar’. Two latens attached either side of the door illuminated the name above, ‘Raven Tavern’.
A bar.
Now that would make the feelings disappear or at least be quiet.
TK started to cross the road before he could think about what he was doing. As he grew closer he could see gold paint outlining the windows and door. Frosted glass prevented TK from seeing through the glass in the door, but if he was honest he didn’t care what it looked like inside, as long as it contained something to quiet his mind.
He pushed the door open stepping inside the room. The lights were low, a soft amber glow sweeping across the bar. TK kept his head down, walking forward towards the long wooden bar. He plopped himself down on one of the stools, his hand nervously fidgeting in his lap.
TK had been in bars since being sober, it was an unavoidable part of life.
But this felt different.
A bartender walked past TK, stopping and turning back towards him, a friendly smile on her face.
He should leave.
He should stand up and walk out of this bar and go home, or go to a meeting. TK shoved his hand into his jacket pocket trying to find his wallet, inside his sobriety chip.
He’d come far, worked so hard for that chip maybe if he just looked at it-his hand wrapped around something hard.
Not his wallet.
A box.
TK slowly pulled out the small velvet box, staring down at it through blurred vision.
“What can I get for you sir?” The young bartender asked.
TK glanced at her, then back at the small box which was clasped in his trembling hands. He flicked the box open, the silver band staring up at him.
A silver band that was meant to be around Alex’s finger, not in TK’s hand.
“Sir?” The woman repeated.
The silver band once represented the future they were going to share, the life ahead of them, and now….He snapped the box shut, shoving it in his pocket and smiling up at the bartender.
“Whiskey, neat please,” He said, the emotionless smile still spread on his lips.
She nodded, turning around to grab a small glass and pouring TK the drink.
She placed it in front of him, giving him a final smile before she left.
The whiskey stared back at him, the light reflecting on the side of the glass.
He felt his breath quicken again, swallowing hard as he rubbed his palms on his jeans. TK looked from side to side, having alcohol in front of him felt wrong, felt illegal somehow. TK chewed on his bottom lip, he could have one drink, one small glass to relax TK and calm his mind. TK raised his hands, resting them on the bar. Drinking wasn’t drugs, Whiskey wasn’t opioids, he could do this, it wasn’t a relapse.
Even as TK said the words he didn’t believe it, he knew the addictions went hand in hand with him.
But did staying sober even matter anymore? He’d gotten sober for Alex, for them.
Alex had kept him sober all these year and without him-
Without him.
TK now had to do this alone.
He would mess up, he’d fail, and it was only a matter of time so why not just get it over with?
“Everything okay with the drink?” TK jumped in his seat slightly, having not noticed that someone was standing in front of him across the bar. “I just noticed you’ve been staring at it for a while, is it the wrong order?” TK glanced up.
For a moment no thoughts were in his mind or breath in his lungs.
TK just stared at the man standing before him.
Fuck. He was beautiful.
He had a warm smile spread across his lips, deep brown eyes looking at him, and long fluttering eyelashes. TK opened his mouth, finding it dry.
He cleared his throat, shaking his head, “No, no it’s fine,” He said.
It was the wrong order, it should be soda or water, not whiskey.
How had he screwed up this bad this quickly? Maybe Alex had been right to say no, to find someone else, someone who he could have a normal life with. The sharp lines of the glass in front of him started to soften and blur, and TK could feel moisture building in the corner of his eyes. TK quickly wiped his hand down his face, scrubbing at his eyes.
“I don’t wanna intrude,” The man said again and TK pulled his hand away from his eyes to see the man leaning on the bar across from him, “but you don’t seem okay,” He said, brows slightly furrowed together.
“What gave it away,” TK said, the sarcasm clear in his voice.
The man gave a small laugh, shrugging his shoulders, “Call it bartender's intuition,” He smiled and TK didn’t miss the way his own mouth twitched as he saw the man's smile, “So?” The man said, referring to his original question.
TK sighed, folding his hands in his lap, “Long night,” was all he could offer, bit his lip as he felt the emotions start to rise again in his chest.
The man nodded, “Sorry to hear that,” He said, TK could see the sympathy in the man's face and was relieved there was no pity there, “You wanna talk about it?” He asked, head cocked to the side.
TK looked up and down the bar, frowning slightly, “Aren’t you working,” he asked, “Pretty sure listening to customers complain about their shitty evenings isn’t in your job description,” TK said.
“Well,” The man said, “It's not my job no but,” the man shrugged again, that warm smile appeared back on his lips, “Doesn’t mean I still don’t wanna hear about it,” His elbows were rested on the bar top, his black shirt rolled up to his elbows to reveal his toned arms.
“You don’t wanna hear about my night,” He said, what TK meant was, please don’t make me talk about my night. TK crossed his arms on the bar, “What about your night?” he found himself asking.
The man smiled, seemingly a little taken aback by TK’s question, “Been quiet, it normally is on weekdays, except the locals,” he said, nodding to a few patrons around the bar, “I’m guessing you’re not a local,” He asked.
“Uhh no, I live in the lower east side,” TK said.
“What brings you around here?” He asked. The small velvet box in his pocket suddenly felt heavy, TK ducked his head, furrowing his brows. He glanced back up and saw the bartender was looking at him, eyes narrowed slightly, “Sorry,” He said, clearly gathering that questions had hit some nerve. “So when you’re not being a mysterious bar patron what do you do?” The man said, standing up from the bar and leaning back against the wall behind him.
“Uh I’m an EMT, paramedic,” He clarified.
The man's eyes widened “Wow, impressive,” He said, “I was always blown away by what you guys did on the scene,” TK cocked his head to the side.
“You work emergency scenes?” TK asked, leaning forward a little more.
The man gave a small nod, “I use to,” he said, “I was cop,”
TK’s eyes widened, a cop? TK had worked as a paramedic for years, how had he never bumped into the man at a scene, “In New York?” He asked.
“No in Austin,” The man said.
TK played with the bar mat on the table, the nervous energy still coursing through his body, “Why’d you move to New York?” TK asked.
“Change of scenery,” There was a pause before he said that. A pause long enough told TK there was more to that answer than he was revealing. TK didn’t push, the man having not pushed TK on his vague answers.
“What was Austin like?” He asked.
“Great,” He smiled, a broad excited smile as he spoke about Austin, “City is amazing, full of interesting places you’d never expect and then the countryside…” He looked off to the side, shaking his head a little as he continued to smile, “It’s beautiful,” TK couldn’t imagine loving a place as much as Carlos seemed to love Austin, “Guessing you’ve never been there?” He asked.
“Nope, I’ve never left New York,” His mother had travelled a lot, but TK had never gone with her, having been too young or not wanting to spend a week in a hotel while his mother worked every day.
“You should go there someday,” He said.
TK gave a small huff, not quite a laugh but close, “Hm, not sure I can see myself in Austin,” He said.
“How do you know if you’ve never been?” The bartender flashed a teasing smile, and TK felt his own start to grow.
He pulled the smile back, clamping his lips together. He shouldn’t be flirting with some bartender he had a boyfr-
No. He didn’t have a boyfriend anymore.
TK bit the inside of his cheek, blinking a little quicker, “So, besides EMT, what else do you do?”
TK frowned, “What do you mean?” He said.
The man laughed, once again leaning on the bar with his forearms. “I mean, when you’re not working, what do you do in your spare time?” It was a simple question, yet, TK struggled to think of anything.
When he wasn’t working, he was with Alex and when he was with Alex, he was doing what Alex wanted to do. And before he’d met Alex, TK was sure this guy didn’t want to hear about TK’s recreational activities. So, the real question was what would TK do in his spare time if it was up to him.
“Music,” It was something he was interested in when he was younger and as he got older other habits took over.
“Well we have a karaoke night every Saturday night,” The man teased.
TK laughed, shaking his head, “I think it's best for everyone that never happens, what about you?” He asked, “What do you do when you're not a bartender slash counsellor?” He joked, finding himself actually interested in the answer.
“Well back in Austin I used to work on my parent's ranch a lot,” The man said. TK’s brows shot up, “What?” The man laughed, the corners of his eyes wrinkling in an endearing way.
“Nothing just; cop, bartender, cowboy you’ve really got a lot going on,” He said, trying not to picture the man in a cop uniform or cowboy get up, unsure which one was the better option.
The man scoffed, “Says the paramedic slash musician,” TK returned the laugh, smiling and for the first time that night, it didn’t feel empty.
They continued talking, swapping stories from emergency calls, comparing life in Austin and New York, the man would tell tales from the time on his family ranch and TK explaining what it was like to save a man dangling from a ledge at the top of a skyscraper.
“So my dad was chasing down the bull and my mom was freaking out-”
“Reyes,” Another bartender came over, pulling the man's attention away from TK and towards him, “We’re closing,” He said, nodding his head across the bar.
TK looked behind him and first, noticed the bar was now empty and second, it was now 3am.
Shit.
They had been speaking for hours, “I didn’t realise the time,” TK gasped. As he turned away from the clock, he also didn’t realise that at some point the man had moved his whiskey and it was no longer in front of him.
He looked back at the man who was apparently called Reyes, “Neither,” he said.
There was silence as both men just looked at each other. Reyes sucked in a breath, “I guess I should start clearing up,” He said, the other bartender starting to stack chairs on top of each other behind TK.
TK had to leave. An uneasy feeling began to swell in his stomach, he slipped off the bar stool, shoving his hands into his pocket already feeling them grow clammy. “Hey,” The bartender said, “It was nice meeting you…” He just looked at TK, his mouth open like he was about to say something else.
After a few embarrassing seconds, he realised he was waiting for TK to say his name. TK stuttered, shaking his head and holding his hand out to the man, “TK,” He said, “TK Strand,” The man reached out, returning the handshake. It felt weirdly formal like they knew each other too well to be shaking hands.
“Carlos Reyes,” He said. “It was nice to meet you TK,” He smiled as he grabbed a cloth from under the bar.
TK just nodded, giving a final glance at the man before turning around and heading towards the door, his feet feeling heavy, “I know you’re not a local,” Carlos suddenly called, causing TK to turn around, “But, if you’re ever around here again, feel free to drop by,” He said, a welcoming expression on his face that made having to leave this bar even harder.
TK smiled, sucking in a deep breath as he walked back out into the cold street.
He wrapped his hands around his stomach, starting to walk down the road, again having no idea where he was.
He needed to call a taxi and needed to go home. As on cue, his phone started to ring in his pocket, he fished it out, frowning as he saw who was ringing him.
He contemplated ignoring it for a moment but gave in and answered, “Bro, what the hell was that call earlier?” His dealer snapped, probably pissed that one of his best clients had given him false hope.
“Sorry I...I called you by mistake,” He sighed, hand clenching harder around the phone.
“So you don’t need nothin?” He asked.
The ache in his chest was still there, and the heavy box was still in his pocket. TK glanced over his shoulder, the lights of the bar still glowing in the night. Through the window he could see Carlos wiping down the tables, laughing as he spoke with the other bartender across from him, “No, I’m good,” he sighed, ending the call before he could change his mind.
He stared down at the phone, finally opening up the lift app and ordering a taxi back to his apartment.
He thanked the driver, dragging himself up the stairs to his apartment. He slipped the key into the lock, pushed the door open, and slipped inside. The room was dark and TK let his eyes adjust rather than flicking on the lights. He headed towards his room, closing the door behind him as he finally slumped down on his bed.
TK didn’t move. He just stayed upright on the bed.
TK shrugged off the jacket he had had on and threw it across the room, a small thud as the box inside hit the wall. TK tugged off his shirt and trousers and pulled on a pair of joggers and a hoodie. TK crawled into bed, pulling the covers up around his body. He stared across the room, the empty space before him feeling like a vast cavern. TK could see the bedside table across from him, change, gum and other things littered across from it.
Staring back at him was a small silver frame, inside a picture of TK and Alex at some event that TK couldn’t even remember.
He didn’t even look that happy in the photo, Alex on the other hand did. That was a common occurrence in their relationship.
He grabbed the pillow from under his head and launched it at the photo, it clattering to the ground along with everything else on the side.
He brought the blanket higher, pressing it against his lips as they trembled. He released a shaky breath against the blanket, bringing his knees up to his chest. The numbness that had surrounded his heart began to retreat and the intense ache began to suffocate him.
How could he get things so wrong, how would he not see what was really going on with Alex? TK squeezed his eyes tight, a tear finally managing to escape and tumble down his cheek and seep into the pillow.
If TK was honest, he wasn’t even upset Alex had said no, or that they’d broken up.
It was that he lied, it was that the one person that had been there for TK, had stood by his side had eventually grown tired and left. TK stifled another sob as the day finally came to an end and he started to drift off to sleep.