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Frankly, Remus thought it was ironic. The ability was there presumably for hunting, for killing, for tearing human flesh clean from the bone, dismembering prey limb from limb. Yet, there he was, curled in on himself at the top of the astronomy tower because the constant cacophony of heartbeats, breathing, and blood flow in the common room was sending him on the verge of a panic attack. The thing his body specially designed for murder was the same thing overwhelming every nerve fiber in his being with the need to get out . 

The tower was cold, but Remus was having a hard time differentiating whether the gooseflesh on his arms were from the chill or his anxiety. Either way, it was preferable to the wave of noise that crashed over him the minute he set foot in Gryffindor Tower.

 He really should have been used to it by now, and most of the time he was. It was second nature to funnel out the unwanted stimulus, putting it behind him so he could focus on the words coming out of his professors’ mouths during their lectures, not how sweaty they were. Then again the moon was in two days and Remus knew he could be rather irritable and sensitive, Sirius recently taking to calling it his “moonstration”. The upcoming Runes exam was probably not helping either, stress and adrenaline thrumming through his bloodstream like life fuel. 

He tried to breathe, to slow down his heart rate, to regain control, but it was never that simple. In the common room, breathing wasn’t just taking in air, it was also gaining the knowledge that Marlene was still sweaty from practice, Peter had just eaten a sandwich, James had recently gelled down his hair, and that Lily had been spending all day in the library studying, parchment and ink profoundly strong on her skin. It was knowing everyone who had been in the room within the past three hours, where they sat, what they did. It was like watching a murder mystery unfold itself in front of him within seconds, information overloading his system, bright red lights flashing warning . 

The astronomy tower was better, more sterile and still. It was old bricks and dampness, a slight chill and the scent of rain forever lingering in the shingles where moss thrived year round. It was calming and much more preferable. Not to mention the fact that, despite the length of the staircase leading up to the top, sounds and scents echoed off the walls from the bottom, meaning that he could always tell when someone was coming. He really shouldn’t have been surprised to hear the dull thud of boots and the strong scent of Sirius making its way up the old, stone steps. After all, he was usually the one who always found Remus first, whether it be after moons or fights or, well, whatever this was, it was always Sirius. 

Remus inhaled. It was easier now with just the tower and the raven-haired boy's scent filling the area, but it still wracked his chest, making him shake slightly. 

“Moony?” Sirius called out, one hand trailing the railing as he stopped a few steps short from the top. 

“Yeah?”

“Fancy some company?” There was a tentative smile on Sirius’ lips, as if to test the waters. Remus didn’t reciprocate, instead patting the spot on the ground next to him, slouching into the wall behind him more. Sirius moved in silence and Remus closed his eyes, trying to calm his still erratically beating heart, shivering slightly as the warmth of Sirius spread through him. They weren’t touching, but the other boy was practically a heater. 

“You okay?” There was more to it, more that Sirius wasn’t saying. You left the common room in a hurry. You looked like death warmed over. You reminded me of a startled animal. Remus allowed his eyes to open slowly, meeting the floor first, gaze slightly unfocused before drifting over to Sirius. His hair was a mess, hand clearly having been run through it several times, fingers fiddling with one another in his lap. Sirius didn’t meet Remus’ eyes, staring at his hands instead. 

“Yeah, sorry. ‘m fine.” Remus’ voice was sore and uneven, taking all his power to push the words past his throat. He felt rubbed raw and exhausted, like all of his energy was being spent to keep him alive and sitting upright. “Just the moon being close and all, got me a bit agitated. Y’know, the usual.” 

Sirius grunted in response, but it was oddly noncommittal, as if words were just passing through him. Remus let his head knock back against the brick, eyes fluttering shut and inhaling the night air trickling in from the open windows. He focused on Sirius’ heartbeat, the strong ba dump , beating constant in his chest like a reminder that he was alive and here, that Remus didn’t scare him, didn’t cause his anxiety to spike and his pulse to skyrocket. That he saw Remus as a friend, not a monster. 

“My brother used to get them.” Sirius’ words punctuated the silence that had come between the two of them like a splotch of ink on fresh parchment. “I won’t push Moony, but if you want to talk about it, I’m here.” Remus’ mind was reeling, brain still foggy as he attempted to make sense of what Sirius was saying. 

“What are you talking about?” His words felt careful and strained, pushing them past his teeth was like walking on a tightrope. 

“Panic attacks. That’s what that was, wasn’t it? The way you just kinda froze up before bolting,” Sirius trailed off, meeting Remus’ eyes for the first time. They were a steely gray, like storm clouds, and the brunet got a little lost in them. 

“Er, I guess,” Remus sighed, worrying his bottom lip. He had two options: tell Sirius he didn’t want to talk about it and sit in silence or talk to Sirius about the wolf. Neither were ideal, but clearly Sirius was worried and had been watching Remus more than he thought. “It’s a wolf thing, I think.” Sirius’ face was completely neutral, eyes never leaving Remus’ no matter how many times the brunet tried to lose his gaze. It made him nervous, the possibility of seeing pity there. “Sometimes I feel like my senses are turned up to a hundred. I can hear everything, smell everything, it’s like my body changed the dial on the radio but I didn’t know where the radio was to begin with.” The raven-haired boy nodded as Remus rambled, body still, eyes alert, like when James was explaining a new play on the pitch. “It’s usually not this bad. I got used to tuning stuff out when I was little. But sometimes–” 

“Sometimes it feels like everyone is screaming straight at you,” Sirius finished. Remus nodded, a little startled but not completely surprised that his friend predicted his thoughts. It happened sometimes between them, Sirius was concerningly good at reading him. “When you say everything…” 

“I mean everything. Heartbeats, breathing, the last thing someone ate, where they had been, who was the last person in the room, where they sat, all of it.” 

“ Merlin. ” Remus let out a small little laugh, but it was bitter and there was no humor in it. 

“Yeah.” 

“You’re amazing.” Sirius was looking at him earnestly and Remus almost choked on his own spit. 

“Sorry?” 

“You’re top of the class, you and Evans, planning pranks and figuring out advanced magic all while shifting once a month and managing that . You’re bloody brilliant Moony.” Remus smiled before elbowing the other boy in the ribcage. Sirius was smiling now, a thousand-watt grin placed firmly on his face as he stood, offering a hand out to Remus, who took it gratefully. “Ready to head back?” 

Remus nodded and they descended down the staircase, hand in hand. The brunet went back to focusing on the other boy’s pulse as they went, noticing the small spike everytime Remus squeezed his palm. It only caused him to smile brighter. 

… 

Sirius never mentioned the astronomy tower incident, resuming his usual comical attitude the next morning at breakfast. They went back to exchanges of dry remarks and quick quips, their conversation sealed away in the ancient bricks and underneath the stars. Even as he helped Remus sit up in the shack the morning after his transformation, dazed, confused, and definitely bleeding in a few places, Sirius made no remark, hands fluttering around him before James pulled him away, Peter on his other side as they left in an attempt not to get caught by Pomfrey. 

The limbo wasn’t forever though, that middle, noncommittal state of before fading like the sun behind the clouds. It was a week after the moon and to say that Remus was stressed was an understatement. Between the papers due in Herbology, Transfiguration, and Potions, along with the upcoming practical exam in DADA and his prefect duties, Remus barely had time to breathe. He was taking breaks wherever and whenever he could get them, staying in a classroom for an extra moment before rejoining his friends, taking a bit longer to locate a book in the stacks of the library than necessary, even using the excuse that his joints were still a bit stiff so that he could take longer to change in the morning, often getting the dorm to himself for an extra minute. 

Which is how Remus found himself in the quiet of the Gryffindor common room at four in the afternoon, snuggled into an armchair, book resting on his lap. Quidditch practice had started fifteen minutes prior, he was off of his rounds that day, and had nearly finished his essays during his free with Lily earlier. He felt like he could relax, even for just a moment. 

Time seemed to pass around him at a muddled rate. Small groups of students, usually underclassmen, would come in at random periods, but Remus never really bothered to look up, too immersed in the pages in front of him and the peace around him. Everything was okay again. He should have known that it was a mirage and eventually he would come back to reality. 

Remus wasn’t sure how much time had passed but when the quidditch team returned from the pitch, sweaty, loud, and entirely too full of adrenaline for Remus’ taste, he knew he should have hidden away in the dorm beforehand. His book fell to the floor as he startled, several younger students who he recognized from his study groups flooding in behind them, heading straight for Remus, pleading looks apparent on their faces. 

“Hiya Remus!” 

“Can you help me with this Potions essay?” 

“Would you mind helping us with this new charm, we can’t get it right.” 

“Remus you should have come to watch practice today!”

“Moony! I finally got the move down!” 

“Remus, remember you promised to help me study later!” 

Everyone’s attention was on him and elsewhere at the same time, quick remarks thrown over his friend’s shoulders as they passed, the younger students still looking at him expectantly. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Nearly Headless Nick came in and claimed that Remus had to help reanimate him later that evening. It was too much, entirely too much. He was attempting to push the words past his throat, his own pulse palpable in his mouth, as if his heart was about to make its home on the rug. Sirius was next to him in an instant, Remus hadn’t even known he had come in, hand gripping the back of his chair, leaning some of his weight onto it. 

“Focus on me.” It was a murmur but Remus picked up on it, swallowing and closing his eyes for a moment. “Breathe through your mouth, it will mitigate the smells.” Remus obeyed, parting his lips slightly and inhaling deeply. It wasn’t as effective as his deep breathing but at least he wasn’t being bombarded by James’ deodorant and Mary’s perfume. There was a constant ba dump next to him and it took him a moment to register that it was Sirius’ heartbeat. “Inhale, count to four, hold, count to four, exhale.” Then, as if he hadn’t been whispering to Remus, Sirius turned to face the younger students. 

“Moony here will help you in due time, but right now I gotta steal him from ya. Official Marauder’s business.” There was a glint of mischief in Sirius’ eyes and the second years in front of him looked on in wonder before nodding and scattering, whispering amongst themselves as to what big prank was about to be planned. The rest of the team had already dispersed, heading up to their respective dorms, noise settling back down in the common room like the aftermath of an earthquake. 

Remus’ hand found Sirius’, still gripping the back of his chair, eyes closed and breathing rhythmically. He could feel the other boy’s eyes on him, something soft and unthreatening, but he didn’t make an attempt to move. Instead, he allowed Remus to work through it, counting to himself and when his heart finally slowed, he shifted, turning to face the raven-haired boy. 

“Thank you.” 

“No need, Moony.” His voice was soft, eyes gentle and face kind, vulnerable and open just for Remus. “You can thank me by helping me come up with a way to turn Malfoy’s hair bright red.” 

… 

James and Peter’s quiet snores had filled the dorm when Remus heard Sirius shift in his bed, feet treading lightly across the wooden floor before pausing outside of Remus’ bunk. 

“Moony?” Remus grunted, opening his curtains slightly, an invitation to the other boy. They did this on occasion, although Sirius and James were much more likely to frequent each other’s bunks in the middle of the night than Remus and he were. It was usually on days where Sirius had received some news from home, either via owl or from Regulus directly, but it always made the raven-haired boy anxious, scent vivid on his skin. Tonight, however, he was calm, if a bit concerned, sitting upright and cross legged as he casted a muffliato wordlessly. “You weren’t sleeping, were you?” Remus shook his head, propping himself up on his elbows, facing Sirius with a cautious look. 

“No, no. What’s up?” 

“Oh, er, nothing I suppose.” Remus quirked a brow. The light was low but he knew Sirius could still see him, moonlight streaming in through the cracks in the curtain, slightly tinted by the material. “I just wanted to check on you,” he said, fiddling with his fingers and Remus had to repress the urge to still his hands as he sat himself up fully. “After this afternoon, and all.” 

Right, so they were talking about this. 

“I’m alright, Pads. Promise.” Remus let a small smile creep onto his face, hoping the other boy would drop the topic. “Thank you, by the way. I don’t believe I ever thanked you for the last time. Or for earlier today. Not properly, at least.” Sirius’ reply was instantaneous.

“Of course, Moony. Anything for you.” It was raw and honest and made something in Remus’ chest twinge just the slightest bit.

… 

Their late night excursions became more frequent, Remus realized, but he found that he didn’t mind. Lately his thoughts had become overtaken by the other boy, drifting into daydreams, anything from inkwells to cloudy skies causing Remus’ mind to chant Sirius’ name like it was the one true thing in life. It was becoming somewhat of an issue, blushing far more often then he should at the mention of his friend. 

It wasn’t until the following Saturday that Remus realized how deep his feelings truly went, bordering on concerning. He, Lily, and Peter had promised the other two Marauders, along with Marlene, that they would come watch their practice. It wasn’t unusual by any means, especially the addition of Lily, seeming to spend more time with the Marauders as she and Severus began distancing themselves. Remus was trying not to pry since every time the infamous Slytherin was mentioned she paled, her cream skin going even whiter, freckles sticking out like stars. 

The sun was well past the horizon, warming the stands slightly as the clouds closed in, another unsurprisingly gray day in Scotland. Privately, Remus was grateful for the extra layers he had put on that morning and for the blanket Lily had packed, basking in the small warmth usually unobtainable from the tall stands. The whole team looked in top form, or at least from the little quidditch knowledge he had picked up over the years. Marlene was a streak in the sky, James zigzagging as he passed the quaffle back and forth, taking a few shots on goal but mainly working on assists. Sirius was in a league of his own, long black strands flying out behind him, ponytail barely keeping them in tact. His eyes were focused, beating off bludger after bludger, skin glistening as if it were made of diamonds. He was grace and strength and beauty on a broom and it was doing funny things to Remus’ heart. The brunet had brought a book with the pretense of reading during the practice, but between the whipping winds that were numbing his gloved hands and Sirius’ tantalizing looks, he was finding it quite hard to take interest in anything but the pitch. 

“They’re in excellent form this morning.” Peter quipped from next to him. They had been up in the stands for a short while, the smaller boy and Lily making small talk while Remus simply watched. 

“They’re something alright.” Remus found himself saying, words so quiet that he was sure they were lost to the wind if not for his friend’s nod. 

“Reckon we actually got a good chance at beating Ravenclaw this weekend.”

“Don’t let James hear you say that,” Lily joined, “he’ll think you’re doubting his leadership.” Remus was about to say that sometimes James needed the blow to his ego when he noticed movement below them, a small group gathering at the base of the pitch near the goal posts. Practice had barely started and the weather, while cold, was nothing out of the ordinary. It took another minute for him to realize that those were other students, not professors, standing at the base and another minute after that to register James was flying down to greet them. 

“Slytherin.” Peter had gotten out his binoculars, pointing them towards the new found group. 

“What are they doing here?” Lily asked, motioning for Peter to pass her the field glasses. The other boy obliged. 

“I haven’t the foggiest, but it can’t be good.” Remus found himself straining his enhanced hearing to get even the smallest clue as to what was going on, to no avail. Instead, the trio sat anxiously waiting for punches to land or curses to fly. It wasn’t long before the Gryffindor team mounted their brooms and were back in the air, Slytherin not far behind them. The three of them shared a look before Lily waved down Marlene who was hovering over by the stands. 

“Marls!” The blonde girl whipped her head around, her normal confident grin replaced by a deep set frown. “What happened down there? Is everyone alright?” 

“For now, but I’m not so sure it’ll stay that way.”

“What do you mean?” Remus found the words slipping past his lips before he could stop them. He knew he saw Sirius mount his broom again, but simply seeing Regulus was enough to leave him a nervous wreck and Remus’ stomach twisted in anxiety for him. 

“Apparently the pitch is double booked, Slytherins had written permission from Slughorn and everything. Potter suggested we just split the field, make it easier than rescheduling.”

“Lucius agreed to that?” Lily asked incredulously. 

Lucius Malfoy was infamous for all the wrong reasons; dark magic, pureblood supremacy, and his unwillingness to compromise his ways. For him to agree to anything but what his team was guaranteed, it was unheard of. Dread sat like iron in Remus’ gut. Whatever was going on, he had a feeling it was about to get much worse. 

“Be careful Marlene,” Remus said, to which the blonde nodded seriously before flying towards where James was positioned, clearly explaining some drill or play they were to be working on. 

To say that the next hour was tense would be an understatement. Remus wasn’t sure if it was the chill in the air or the way that the Slytherin’s kept looking over their shoulders, but his skin was peppered with gooseflesh, lips chapped and bitten raw. The other house’s plays were going a bit too long and a hair too close to the Gryffindor’s for his liking, every bulger connecting with a bat making him flinch more than he should have. He could tell Lily was just on edge, Peter even worse by the way his breath was hitching at every movement. It couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes before Evan Rosier was all but crashing into Phoebe Dawson’s broom, catching a quaffle that had gone long, before returning back to the opposite side of the pitch without so much as a glance behind him. Phoebe shot him a dirty look after righting her broom, nearly falling off from the impact. Marlene was yelling something at James but the other boy was simply shaking his head as if to say it wasn’t worth it. Even from afar Remus could tell his friends’ patience was running thin. 

Remus should have known that the Slytherins wouldn’t leave well enough alone. Practice was nearly done, sun high in the sky and breaking through the clouds, Sirius’ face covered in a slight sheen from the sweat and sunlight. He shouldn’t have looked nearly as good as he did and Remus couldn’t help but think it was unfair. If he had mentioned it to the raven-haired boy, he probably would have said to thank the inbreeding. Remus would blame the fact that he was staring at his best friend for what was definitely an inappropriate amount of time for the reason that he didn’t see the bludger until it was too late. 

Lily’s gasp was the only thing that cued him in before Sirius became a speck in the sky, silky black hair tangling in the wind, bat gripped tighter than it should have been, practically lying against the broom handle in an attempt to gain more speed. One of Slytherin’s bludgers had made its way onto their side of the field with a very determined aim at the back of Marlene’s head. Remus wanted to scream, to yell at her to get out of the way, but he knew it wouldn’t matter. Once those balls locked onto a target it was only a matter of time before they connected. Any and all words dried up in his throat, like all of the stories and literature he consumed had vacated his head, language no longer occupying space in his brain. It was apparent; Sirius wasn’t going to make it in time. 

And yet, the bludger never connected. A bat had gotten in the way just in time, striking the ball with such a force that Remus was surprised it wasn’t ripped apart at the seams. Regulus Black sat on his broom, watching as the offending object was hit straight to one of his teammates who began beating it back and forth amongst himself. Remus wasn’t sure when he got there or where he came from, but he had never been so thankful to see the youngest Black brother. He said nothing to Marlene, or Sirius who was now at her side, but from where Remus was sitting he could have sworn that he gave them both a small nod. The brunet’s heart began to slow ever so slowly and Peter let out a sigh of relief. 

“Why don’t we pack it up?!” Regulus shouted over the wind before flying down to where they had set their gear on the ground without waiting for an answer. The other’s seem to follow him wordlessly, although Malfoy hesitated for a second, looking at Marlene before joining the rest of his team. 

Either James decided to take after Regulus’ lead or the fact that Marlene almost broke her head open knocked some sense into him because moments later he was calling for the Gryffindors to clean up and head off the pitch. Remus took that as his cue to leave, reluctantly taking off the blanket he and Lily had been sharing, folding it up to carry back to the castle when a familiar voice was suddenly right behind him. He likes to think that he did not jump, thank you very much. 

“Alright, Moony? Evans? Wormy?” Sirius was leaning against the banister, broom handle sticking through the railing as he floated in front of the trio. 

“Alright yourself, Black? Thought you were gonna fall clean off your broom trying to get to Marls.” Sirius’ normal cocky smirk slipped for a fraction of a second and Remus could smell the spike of adrenaline in his blood. He was clearly more shaken than he was letting on. 

“McKinnon is one of us, wasn’t about to let her get hurt if I could help it.” 

“That’s really noble of you Sirius.” Lily looked a bit taken back at his words. It was moments like these that Remus had to remind himself that she was still a bit apprehensive of James and Sirius. She had known them as nothing but the insufferable pains in the asses that Remus had hung out with since first year. She never had gotten to see the considerate sides of them, the compassion and loyalty that got them into the house of the brave in the first place. 

“Noble and reckless,” Remus said with a roll of his eyes. 

“Worried about my safety, Moony? Gonna kiss my wounds all better?” Peter snorted next to him. Sirius’ smile was a bit brighter, it always was when he was teasing Remus. The brunet tried not to flush at the thought. Sometimes his observational skills were more of a curse than a blessing. 

“Madam Pomfrey would think I’m coming for her job.”

“Bet you’d look smashing in a nurse's outfit, Moons.” 

“Prat.” 

“Only for you Moony.” 

“Padfoot!” James must have used a sonorous charm, because his voice was loud and clear, much closer than it should have been for the hundreds of feet between them. “Get your arse down here so we can get lunch!” Sirius spared a glance at his best friend before turning back to the trio, hand posed in a mock solute. 

“Duty calls,” was all he said before he began descending far too quickly for Remus’ liking but that was just Sirius, if it wasn’t reckless and questionably stupid then he wouldn’t do it to begin with. 

Which is why Remus shouldn’t have been surprised that when Sirius was fifty feet from the ground and a quaffle connected with his side he bailed. Rolled straight off his broom, free falling, bracing for impact, hitting the ground with a crush that even Peter probably heard. He shouldn’t have been surprised by the way that Crouch gave Avery a low high five while Malfoy looked on like there wasn’t a fifth year writhing in pain in the middle of the grass. He shouldn’t have been surprised by the way his feet carried him down the stairs, two at a time, not bothering to see if the others were behind, the only thing thrumming through his mind was Sirius. And yet, and yet, and yet.  

Creaking wood gave way to dirt, painted lines blurring beneath his feet, as the scent of blood hit his nose like an avalanche. Sirius’ blood. He was running somewhere, he wasn’t quite sure. There was a crowd around the other boy, a crimson fence and Remus just wanted to shout at all of them to move , wanted to blast them away because his best friend had just fallen off his broom, wanted to claw at them with nails he didn’t have, snarl in a way that should have made him question whether he really was the monster his friends always tried to convince him he wasn’t. 

“Let me see him.” His voice was broken and ragged, like he was choking on his words. 

“Remus, maybe—”

“Let me. See. Him.” He ground out and Marlene slipped to the side, letting Remus’ tall and lanky frame stalk past her and meet James who was crouched next to Sirius, casting what he could only assume were healing spells. There was no visible bleeding, but his left arm was bent in a direction that shouldn’t have even been possible and part of his ankle bone was visible through his skin. Remus thought he was going to vomit. “Pads, god , Padfoot.” 

“Have I ever told you your hair looks stunning in the sunlight, Moony?” Sirius sounded like the wind had been knocked from his lungs, each word rough and forced. The bastard was still smiling too. He started to sit up, or at least attempt to, but James’ hand was on his shoulder, holding him firmly in place as words fell past his lips in a steady chant. 

“Don’t speak, we’re gonna get you fixed up.” Remus knew that he was telling himself more than anything else, but he couldn’t help it. Seeing Sirius like this, it tore something in him. “Is someone getting Madam Pomfrey?” 

“Sent Phoebe and Marcus as soon as he fell, they should be here soon.” James cast a look over to the hillside leading up to the castle. “At least, I hope they’ll be.” 

“See Pads, you’re gonna be just fine.” 

“Of course I will be,” he sounded sincere, no mockery or sarcasm, just pure belief. “I’ve got you and Prongsie with me.” Sirius’s eyes were clear, gray shining against his lashes. The brunet knew he couldn’t trust his voice so he placed a hand over Sirius’ uninjured one and offered a small squeeze. 

For someone who regularly ripped himself to shreds, Remus was absolute rubbish at healing spells. So instead he sat there with the two, helping where he could while James kept his condition stable. Madam Pomfrey arrived in a flurry of stretchers and bandaids, other nurses with her that Remus couldn’t remember the names of, dismissing people left and right, telling them that “Mr. Black will be quite alright without the presence of an audience!” James and Remus made to follow them after they got him stabilized to go back to the castle, but the Nurse Witch stopped them with a flick of an outstretched hand. 

“I think it would be best if you two waited back in the common room.” Her tone left no room for negotiation. Even with all of Remus’ transformations, and the often horrific aftermath that marred his skin with deep wounds and even deeper scars, the Marauders were usually able to get around the “no visitors” rule with little commotion. So if Madam Pomfrey thought it was best for them to leave her be, it was probably for good reason. 

But Remus couldn’t go back to the common room, or their dorm, there would be too much of Sirius, his scent, the ghost of his presence, no. Outdoors, he needed to stay outside. That’s how he found himself pacing circles around the pitch with the remainder of the Gryffindors who were milling around. Slytherin was still there, only a handful left, Regulus nowhere to be seen. Remus wasn’t sure whether he was thankful or disappointed in the absence of the youngest Black. 

“I still don’t understand what happened?” Peter squeaked out. He was wringing his hands, bottom lip firmly in place between his teeth. If Remus hadn’t been an anxious mess himself, he probably would have been able to feel Peter’s from where he stood a few meters away. 

“Nothing interesting from the looks of it. Black is just one for dramatics.” Remus nearly gave himself whiplash from how quickly he turned his head to meet Lucius Malfoy, crossing the pitch in graceful strides, a small, satisfied smile on his face. 

“What did you say, Malfoy?” James was gritting his teeth, an effort that only made Lucius’ smirk grow. 

“The truth.”

“Sirius got hit by a quaffle, we all saw it.” Marlene said, temper clearly rising at the slight of the blonde. 

“He’s a beater, he should be used to it. Any quidditch player worth a cent would know how to take a weak hit like that.” Lucius’ eyes never wandered from James. It was a challenge, one he was hoping James would take. “Seems like you and your team are slacking, Potter.” 

“Seems like you and your team are playing dirty,” Remus spat. He had tried restraining himself, he really did, but his instincts got the better of him. His tongue had always been sharp, it was something the Matron had reminded him constantly. Would be far from the first time it had gotten him into trouble. 

“You would know all about dirty, wouldn’t you, Lupin?” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” James was stepping in front of him, putting himself a hare’s breath closer to Malfoy. 

“Look at where he goes during the summer. I mean, a half-blood in a boy’s home? Dirty blood breeds dirty deeds. No wonder the blood traitor keeps him around.” A growl ripped itself from Remus’ throat, so primal and pure that it even startled himself. 

“Take it back, Malfoy.” James’ voice was more steady than Remus could have ever managed with the amount of adrenaline racing through his veins. He could feel his pulse rising, jaw taught, fingers flexing, aching to punch the prick right in the mouth. “Apologize for what you did to Sirius, and for what you said about Remus.” 

“I didn’t do anything to Sirius.” Malfoy shifted his eyes ever so slightly, meeting Remus’ over James’ shoulder. “At least, nothing he didn’t deserve.” Remus’ vision went white, muscles snapping, tendons burning, teeth bared, fist poised, everything in him telling him to attack. He should have been afraid, been scared of the emotions that were surging through his head, at the amount of anger taking root in his veins flushing out everything besides revenge, besides causing harm, causing pain . But then there was a pair of hands behind, no, more than one though he couldn’t tell who, too many smells and emotions and testosterone in the air, and he was being held back, struggling against it all. 

“I’ll kill you, you git! You hear me? I’ll rip you to shreds!” 

“Remus.”

“Let me go!”

“Moony.”

“Get your hands off of me.” 

“Rem.” 

“For fucks sake let go. ” 

“Promise me you're not gonna go after him.” Lily’s voice was stern and left no room for negotiation. Malfoy’s form was retreating, already off the pitch, herding the remaining Slytherins back to the school. Remus could still catch him if he really wanted, he could be fast when he wanted to be, bad hip be damned. Yet Lily still held him, Lily and who he could now tell was Marlene, James in front of him, boxing him off. He refused to meet his eyes, watching the blonde disappear into the greenery. 

“Give me a good reason, Evans.” 

“Sirius wouldn’t want you to.” 

“I think we both know he’d want me to do the exact opposite.” 

“Your mom wouldn’t want this.” James’ voice was even and unwavering and Remus knew he had lost. The boys didn’t often mention Hope Lupin, the memories of her quick decline after her cancer diagnosis still too fresh in the brunet’s mind. Remus knew James was right though. His mother didn’t truly understand the wizarding world, but she was adamant that Remus were to use his head before his fists. With that he went slack in the girls’ arms and they let go, ever so slowly as if he were to collapse without their support. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Nothing to be sorry for Moons.” The quidditch captain gave him one of his signature grins, the one he reserved for boosting morale right before a match or for when they were about to execute a truly difficult prank. “Now why don’t we go check in on our favorite idiot?” 

… 

It was another two hours before Sirius was allowed any visitors, and even then Madam Pomfrey cut it off at the three Marauders. There was a slight flush in his cheek, a tint against his alabaster skin that Remus hadn’t even noticed wasn’t there before, his arm and shoulder bandaged and his leg propped up on a pillow. Even whilst loopy he was still able to make Remus’ heart stutter, sloppy grin sliding onto his face at the sight of his friends, hair disheveled in a way that should have made it look messy and untidy but on Sirius looked artfully tossed. 

“Come to take me up on that offer to nurse me back to health, Moony?” 

“Someone’s definitely feeling better,” James said, clapping his friend gently on his good shoulder. “Gave us a right scare out there Padfoot.” 

“Er, yeah. Sorry about that one mate.” 

“What happened?” Peter said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. James took the chair in the corner, the one Sirius normally sat in after the moons, fighting to stay awake. Remus opted for the chair next to his friend’s bed, carefully leaning against the mattress. From that distance he could smell the pain potions lacing with Sirius’ normally pine and worn leather scent, giving it an unnerving hint of sterility.

“Not quite sure, to be quite honest. One moment I was on my broom, the next, I was staring up at the sun and couldn’t quite feel my arm,” the boy said with a shrug. 

“So you didn’t see anything before you fell?” James pressed. If there was evidence, they could probably manage to get Malfoy suspended for a few games, but if Sirius didn’t see him do it, there was a good chance he would get away without so much as a slap on the wrist. Remus had to consciously repress the need to snarl at the thought. His emotions were running rampant and even he knew it would be pointless to blame it on how near it was to the moon. 

“Er, no.” His cheeks flushed red so rapidly that Remus was worried he was getting feverish. “I was a bit distracted, trying to get down to the pitch and all.” There was an abrupt rise in Sirius’ pulse that only made the brunet’s concern heighten. 

“Sirius, are you sure you’re alright?” Remus asked tentatively, hand brushing back the other boy’s wavy strands to feel his forehead. It wasn’t abnormally warm, so he could rule out a fever, but the scarlet on his cheeks darkened at the action. Could it be a side effect to one of the potions? 

“Right as rain,” his voice cracked, not that Remus would have believed him if it had been steady. 

“Right.” James’ was shooting him a glance that Remus could only decipher as a skepticism, but before he could ask any questions, Sirius pushed on. 

“So lads, enlighten me. What happened?” Peter was all too eager to oblige. 

“You got your arse kicked by a quaffle.” Sirius’ brows furrowed. 

“Come again, mate?” 

“Apparently, according to Malfoy at least, you got hit by a ‘rogue quaffle’.” Sirius didn’t appear to need any clarification, face relaxing into a grimace, nodding slowly at James’ words. 

“I see.” 

“If it makes you feel any better, Moony almost went feral when he found out,” Peter added in, looking to his other two friends, in what Remus could only assume was for confirmation. Remus wanted to throttle him. He knew he wasn’t in control, he knew that how he reacted was less than ideal, he was ashamed of it. He hated how quickly he snapped, that he almost became the animal that was constantly pacing under his skin, that he always willed himself not to become, not to cave to. Peter pointing it out didn’t help the self loathing that was welling up just beneath the surface. 

“Peter—”

“What Wormtail was trying to say is that Remus was not thrilled when we found out that Slytherin was playing dirty. None of us were.” James met the smaller boy with a stern glare that made him look a little too much like his father. “Peter, a word.” The blonde boy looked panicked, but rose with James regardless, following him out past the curtains. Remus felt a bit bad for him. He knew he didn’t mean it like that, and that whatever James was going to say to him would be harsher than anything Remus could manage. 

“Is it true?” Sirius’ voice sounded softer, and when Remus’ turned his head back to the boy in the bed he was met with gray eyes, searching his with earnest. The brunet bit his lip, turning to look out the window behind Sirius’ bed. He could see the sun beginning its descent towards the horizon, the trees waving slightly in the distance. “Moony?” 

“I’m sorry, Padfoot.”

“For what?” 

“I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t contain the wolf. I just— seeing you like that, it scared me. And then Malfoy was there, and he knew, he knew what he was doing, to you, to James, to me .” He was breathless, heart beating erratically in his chest, brain going a mile a minute. Remus knew he wasn’t making sense but he kept going. “And I let him. I let him bait me, Padfoot.” He could feel his nails digging into his palms, balling up on the bed sheets cutting crescent moons into his flesh. If he pressed a little harder he was almost positive he could draw blood. “I wanted to kill him, Sirius. I wanted to claw at him, to slash that little smirk off his face, to rip out his throat. I knew I could do it too. The wolf knows how, could give me all the strength, all the direction I needed. I wanted to do it.” 

“Moony.” 

“If Lily and the others weren’t there...” 

“Moons.” 

“I could’ve killed him.”

“Rem.”

“Dumbledore was wrong, it’s not safe for me to be at Hogwarts—”

“Remus!”  There was a warm hand on top of one of his balled fists, a feeling that made him turn, ever so slowly, to look down at the bed. There, Sirius’ unbandaged hand lay over Remus’ still clenched on, thumb stroking a steady pattern into the worn skin. “Breathe, Moony.” He tried, he really did, but all he could do was close his eyes and stutter through his inhales, clenching and unclenching his hands. There was a brief loss of warmth, before Sirius’ hand was around his wrist and laying his palm flat against his chest, steady heartbeat underneath the layers of his practice gear. “Focus on me, focus on the rhythm. I’ve got you, Rem.” 

Remus wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, the quiet of the hospital wing giving way to his ragged inhales and the clicking of vials somewhere further down. When he finally opened his eyes, Sirius was right there to meet him, irises no longer soft and hazy but filled with concern. 

“You are not a monster.” 

“I never said—”

“You were thinking it.” Remus fought down the urge to argue. 

“I was so scared, Sirius. So scared of what could have happened to you, if you were alright.” He paused for a moment, attempting to collect his thoughts which he knew was a futile attempt. They were scattered around his brain like a dropped deck of cards, turning this way and that, sticking to the linoleum. “I just— I wish I could’ve done something, stopped the fall, gotten onto the field faster, something. ” He tried his best to maintain eye contact, but it felt like Sirius’ silver was burning a hole straight into his core. “If something happened to you I swear…” 

“I’m alright, Moony.” Remus snorted, but it was dry and humorless. 

“Yeah, that’s why you’re in the bloody hospital wing, bandaged up like a mummy.” 

“Well it was only a matter of time I suppose.” Sirius cracked a small smile, but Remus felt his brow furrow in confusion. “Only fair, I see you like this monthly. ‘Bout time the tables were turned.” 

“That’s different.” 

“A little, I suppose. But that fear you feel, that worry? I understand that Rem. That’s the same. ” 

“Oh.” Remus blinked, a little surprised at the confession. Sirius played off nonchalant like it was second nature. If anything, he assumed his friends had become Animagi because they thought it was some kind of duty and stuck with him because they felt bad. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize.” 

“I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I’m always gonna worry about you Rem.” 

“Sirius.”

“That’s what happens when you care about people.” 

“Sirius, I—”

“No, let me finish, you need to hear this.” He pushed himself into a sitting position with some effort, pushing away Remus’ hands fluttering about in an attempt to help. “You, Remus Lupin, are one of the single best things that has ever happened to me. You’re a bloody brilliant wizard, a smart arse, and the kindest soul I have ever known. Prongs, Wormtail, and I became Animagi because we saw how much you were hurting, how much pain you were in and we wanted to help. We wanted you to know that we’d have your back, no matter what form. We care about you, I care about you, so much I don’t know what to do with myself half the bloody time. You’re not a monster for wanting to protect someone you care about, Remus. You could never be a monster. Not to me.” 

“You don’t know that, Padfoot.” He bit the inside of his cheek, a bit too hard, the coppery taste flooding the inside of his mouth. Remus tried to look away, but Sirius held his gaze like a lifeline. He swallowed hard.  

“No, but I know you. You’re good, down to your very core. You feel right and wrong like most feel a change in temperature. It’s always in the back of your mind, and Merlin I wish I could take off some of that weight, just for a moment, so you could catch your breath. And I know that somewhere down the line, when times get tough, you’re going to keep being you. And if that means you're a monster, then I’ll be right there with you. I’m mental about you, Moony. You could never do anything that would turn me away.” 

There was a pause, a challenge, as if Sirius was begging for him to contradict a single thing he just said. When Remus finally found his words, they came out breathless, as if pushed past the precipice of his mouth by the wind. 

“Do you really mean that?” 

“Every word.” Sirius’ heart was still beating proud in his chest, a steady ba dump, ba dump . 

“Pads.” 

“Hm?”

“I’m mental about you too.” Sirius’ grin was brighter than any lumos ever casted. 

… 

If a few nights later, Remus had a nightmare and conveniently found his way into Sirius’ bed, no one needed to know. And if Sirius greeted him with open arms, letting the other boy settle against his chest, listening to his heart beat while the raven-haired boy stroked his soft brown curls and whispered small reassurance to him in the cover of darkness, then that was between the two of them.