Chapter Text
You can't change things, they fall into place by themselves.. In their own way. You don't expect it, you accept it. But like so many things, I didn't plan for this to happen. It just happened and just is-like falling in love before you know it or arguing with someone when a particular word cuts deeper than expected and you find yourself at a loss before realizing a string of words have already escaped from your lips, more hurtful and cutting than you ever intended.
You didn't mean to.
You never did.
But then like a bad movie, he or she will ask, as they always do.
"So why say it?"
And then there is the other group. The words you never say until it's too late. Those, you know, hurt the most.
The words you mean the most and don't allow to exist aloud.
The moon hung low enough in the sky that I was sure it would fade soon as the stars all already had and allow the Sun to come and take its place. The trees were still and there was no breeze but weirdly enough, the water still rippled. I opened my eyes blearily, wishing so badly to be back home in my own bed with Ponyboy.
"What time is it?" Steve asked.
"Late enough," I told him shortly, stifling a yawn.I hadn't wanted to come out and see her. I knew what would happen if I did. The knowledge that I even liked her that way made me feel guilty but I followed Steve anyway when he asked me to. I don't know why he asked me to.
His face fell and I felt even worse because I knew what he was really asking, "Do you think she'll come?"
I opened my mouth to say sorry or something but he cut me off,
"Fuck it, Soda. Why are we even here? I knew she wouldn't show just 'cause I fucking asked her to."
I said nothing, letting him grow angrier and angrier. He stood up from the bench.
"Fuck," he screamed, kicking the ground and ended up kicking a rock instead. He cussed even louder, angry with himself.
"Steve. Buddy." I said but Steve snapped at me, a string of curses that he had used before but never, never on me. Not angrily anyway. It was always friendly, joking and I was surprised by how much this stung me. But I shrugged it off. He was only angry, after all. He didn't mean it. But when I put my hand on his shoulder and he shrugged it off, that's when I realize Steve is not just angry. Steve is...angry.
If anger made you turn on people like a rabid dog, imagine how anger made Steve turn on himself, snarling and biting. His eyes were glossy at the sides and I watched as Steve dragged his arm over his eyes. He's really angry. His eyes are flashing and he's shaking all over, itching to punch something. Upset, pissed off at the world. He sat back down at the bench and I followed suit, unsure if he might try to take a swing at me.
I didn't know he liked her this much and the guilt feeling in my stomach twisted harder.
I felt sick, wishing that things weren't this way.
He stared at the ground.
I didn't know what to do.I sighed and Steve looked up. Not entirely up, just a little bit.
"You really like her, huh, Steve?" I said softly.
There was no reply.
"Hey, buddy. Don't worry. She ain't worth your time," I told him.
No reply again and I'm about to give up but he spoke up then.
"Soda?"
"Yeah?" His voice sounds hoarse and I wondered if he's gonna tell me to shut up.
"Fuck. I really liked her."
I didn't say anything again but this time, Steve looked up. Entirely up and straight at me. He looks at me in the eye and I turn away, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.I can't look Steve in the eye. Not now. And not for a long time after this too, I realised.
"It's too bad she likes you." he said and I felt even worse now. It's as though his voice was full of broken glass and that smile looked too bitter to be real. He looked broken. Sad. Exhausted.
Steve likes to pretend he hates the world. But I know better. In all honesty, Steve hates himself. He ain't angry with the world. He's angry with himself. I know Steve hates me a little but he loves me more than he hates because we've been together through so much. He's my best friend. But at that moment, I hate myself even if Steve doesn't.
I'll hate Steve and I'll hate me and I'll hate her too.
Because I sort of like Sandy as well.