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An sighed as she turned off the stream of water rinsing her body. She was supposed to wash her hair too, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. The thought of making sure it's completely damp, then struggling to make the shampoo on it foam, fighting to get every remnant off of it… Maintaining her long, thick hair sure posed a challenge sometimes. Even though usually this task came to her naturally, that day it seemed impossible to get through. She wouldn’t survive being left alone with her thoughts for that long.
She stepped out of the bathtub, drying herself with her towel. Right then, she dreamed of nothing more than to sink in her bedsheets and let her tired mind fall into heavy, dream-less sleep. She felt kind of bad about not spending more time with Kohane, who was currently waiting for her in her bedroom, but they could have another sleepover anytime, right? An certainly hadn’t planned on feeling like a piece of trash on the day her partner would be staying over, but oh well. Life can screw you over sometimes.
Having put on her t-shirt and shorts, she began to comb her hair. Her scalp felt and looked disgusting. An beat herself in her mind for not taking care of it the previous day. She felt uncomfortable at the notion of falling asleep like this, and then having to go through another day feeling even worse-
Then, an image popped into her mind. The fantasy that’s creeped into her thoughts a couple of times already.
The sensation of warm water against her head. Gentle hands of her partner massaging shampoo into it.
An shook her head. No. That would be weird as hell to ask Kohane for. Like what excuse would she make up? That she's too lazy to wash herself, so please, please, do it for me? Embarrassing. An couldn’t handle this.
But at the same time, it was not every day she had her partner around… If she sacrificed her pride, she could finally get to experience what it’s like. And she wouldn’t have to sleep all greasy.
Conflicted, An leaned against the wall and waited for a couple minutes more. God, after having such thoughts, facing Kohane seemed even scarier.
“An-chan, are you okay?”. The blue-haired girl jumped at the voice of her partner coming from the outside. Has An been sitting in the bathroom for this long? Screw the thoughts, she couldn't worry Kohane even more. “Yeah!”, An called in response. She opened the door just to see a petite blonde girl standing in front of her. Thin, round glasses peeked from between her loose hair. She wore a light-pink pajama set. God, she looked absolutely adorable like this. Her worried gaze seemed to penetrate An’s thoughts. An looked away.
“Oh, you don’t have to come out yet if you aren’t ready!”, Kohane exclaimed.
“It’s alright. Let’s go back to my room, shall we?”, An replied. Crap, she sounded more bitter than she intended to. She hoped Kohane hasn’t caught that.
***
An sat on the bed, watching Kohane sit next to her. She didn’t have the heart to tell her she didn’t have energy to do anything but sleep.
“An-chan, tell me the truth. Are you okay? You look sad.” Kohane asked after a while of uncomfortable silence.
“Yes, yes. Just tired. I’m so, so sorry, but I think I’ll sleep already…” An tried to force a smile, so as to not alarm her partner.
“It’s okay! Also, if I can do anything for you before that, please ask me. I just can’t let go of the thought that you’re feeling bad, I want to make you feel better if that’s the case… You don’t need to hide anything from me.”
Kohane’s sincerity and genuine desire to help touched An’s heart. Could she really ask her…?
An took a deep breath. She was going to say it. If Kohane was to get weirded out, An really couldn’t feel much worse.
“Actually, I would like to ask you for a favor… Could you help me wash my hair?”
That sounded worse than she imagined.
Kohane seemed a little confused at first, but her expression softened soon after. “Sure!”
That girl’s an angel, An thought. She didn’t ask any questions, thank god.
Soon after, An was sitting on the bathroom floor with her head leaned against the bathtub. Kohane once again checked the temperature of the water flowing out of the shower. ”You said to make it warm, right? I’m going to start rinsing now, please tell me if I should make it hotter or colder”. An just nodded in response, her eyes shut. She tried to clear her mind.
She felt the stream hit her scalp. She instinctively grimaced. “Too hot”.
“Okay now?”
“Perfect.”
An sank in the feeling of Kohane running fingers through her hair, making sure no strand was left dry. The calming hum of water flowing, Kohane’s silent presence, the warmth of her body next to hers, it all made An grateful already.
The stream stopped. Kohane’s position shifted. An heard the wet sound of shampoo squeezed out of the bottle. Then she felt both of Kohane’s hands in her hair, going in gentle circles.
The blonde’s precision and caution to not pull An’s hair made the taller girl melt. Up until the moment they relaxed, An hadn't known her muscles had been so tense. A quiet whimper left her throat.
“Good?”, Kohane asked softly.
“Mhm”.
This peaceful moment lasted both an eternity and way too short in An’s mind. She was pretty sure that Kohane purposefully prolonged this silent ritual.
Did she feel it too?
The vulnerability of having her partner’s heavy mind between her fingers?
Sparks of electricity each time her chest brushed An’s arm?
Did she cherish the comfortable silence, interrupted by nothing but the sound of her hands against the foam and both of them’s breaths intertwining?
An hoped so. But it also could be that she was hopelessly touch-starved.
She felt an ick of disappointment when warm water covered her head again. She tried to get the most of the last moments of Kohane’s touch and the hum of water, until they stopped.
An hasn’t yet managed to get her head up, when Kohane pressed a towel to it and used the other arm to guide it back into sitting position. An did plan on doing that herself, but Kohane lifting the smallest responsibilities from her shoulders sent butterflies into her stomach. Did this girl know what she was doing to her?
An leaned into her touch as Kohane rubbed the towel into her hair. An wasn’t going to keep up appearances of self-reliance anymore. Kohane, as if she caught onto that, took An’s hand and helped her stand up.
The girls yet again sat down on the bed. Kohane positioned herself behind An. "May I brush and blow-dry it for you too?", she proposed. An nodded. Was her partner... Enjoying taking care of her like this? No way.
The hairbrush tugged gently on An's damp hair.
"Please, tell me if I pull too hard and hurt you", Kohane's voice broke the silence again. An didn't mind. She could listen to its tender timbre forever. Especially when it was used to verbalize things like this.
"Yeah, yeah.", she confirmed. She knew she wasn't sensitive to pain, though. The brush running through her hair, even if it got stopped by a tangle from time to time, felt amazing. An couldn't feel safer and more loved.
"I think it's good enough for now", Kohane said, as she ran her fingers through An's hair one last time before turning on the blow-dryer. An involuntarily trembled at this sensation.
Dry, warm air started blowing at the back of her head. The hum of the blow-dryer filled the room. The warm breeze canceled out the cold left by the moisture of her hair, making An's muscles untense yet again.
This all felt way too good for a simple act of hair cleaning. It turned out even dreamier than in An's fantasies. Thanks to Kohane surprising her partner with her infinite tenderness, yet again.
Honestly, how could anyone be so patient? Patient enough to put up with An's constant outpour of affection, too.
Sometimes An felt like she was suffocating Kohane with her loud love, all the surprise hugs, kisses, declarations. Kohane always took it all in, but barely ever reciprocated it. Kohane has verbally assured An that it's alright a couple of times, but that didn't stop An from worrying.
Her partner was just so caring and non-assertive. An could totally see her force herself to accept everything she shoved down her throat.
She has already accepted An's overbearing desire to protect her, after all. An's treatment of her like a helpless child.
The memories of Akito helping An realize how messed up that was, preceded by flashbacks of all the times An blindly underestimated Kohane - they still clouded her mind every time she went to sleep. Was An still doing something like this? Was she hurting her partner?
What if, before Kohane's singing got so impressive that An would turn into her burden... Kohane got sick of An's selfishness?
Left her to be with someone who didn't put her under such pressure to reciprocate their stifling feelings?
A warm breath against the back of her neck. The pressure of soft lips. An jumped, forced out of the spiraling tunnel of her thoughts.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry... Was that weird?", Kohane rashly leaned away from her partner, her voice unusually high pitched.
An felt her face heat up. Was that? Kohane? Oh god, oh fuck.
"No! Not at all! It-it's okay!", An's throat clenched. Eyes burning. This small gesture. This simple fucking act. A kiss she didn't ask for. It broke her into pieces, even though she was trying so hard to hold herself together.
"An-chan!", Kohane exclaimed. She reached for the taller girl's arms with the intention of making them face each other, but An remained stiff. She would rather die than let Kohane see her cry. From just a kiss, too.
Kohane backed down for a second, only to wrap her arms around An's waist, pressing her chest to the other girl's back. An put her hands over Kohane's, clutching them close to her stomach. Signaling that she didn't want the smaller girl to let go this time. The simultaneous desires to run away and to melt into one with her partner tore her heart apart.
Kohane held onto her tightly, indifferent to the crying spasms of An's body. She buried her head into the space between her shoulder and neck. An let out a gasp as she felt her partner leave another kiss in it.
And Kohane didn't stop at that. She tracked a path with her gentle, trembling lips along An's shoulders, back, the nape of her neck, her hair. The warm air coming out of Kohane's mouth and nose tickled her sensitive skin.
At first this spilling of affection only made An shake harder. Every single one of Kohane's voluntary touches completely caught her off guard.
It was the first time she's ever felt something like that. Still, she knew she could never get enough of it.
She wanted to be drowned in her partner's scent, the sensation of her lips wandering around her body, her shaky breath against her skin. The pressure her arms applied on her waist, the mind-numbing delicateness overflowing from it all.
An did feel like just a second more could make her explode, though.
She didn't even notice when Kohane placed a kiss on her cheek. An looked slightly to the side to see her partner's flushed face and big brown eyes looking for hers. An awkward, worried smile dancing on her lips.
"Feeling better?", the blonde whispered.
An suddenly became conscious of the puffiness of her face. Kohane stopped her from turning away again by moving her hands up from An's stomach, cupping it.
"Don't hide from me…", Kohane's gaze locked with her partner's, their faces just a breath apart. "I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting your feelings, please tell me if you don't get what I mean, but…"
Kohane briefly stopped, cautiously choosing her next words.
"I… I think that right now, you are just as beautiful and cool as always. You right now are the same you I fell in love with. Who lit up my life with passion, so", she brushed a stray hair behind An's ear,
"I still want to see you. I want to be with you. And make you happy."
An found herself at a loss for words. She would hang her head, but Kohane held her firmly.
The silence continued for a while. Atmosphere heavy. Both of the girls intensely stared at each other, trying to guess the other's thoughts. Kohane gently rubbed her thumb aganist An's cheek. An once again swallowed her tears.
An's heart squirmed at the realization that the distance between her and Kohane's faces began closing.
"Don't!" a weak plea escaped An's mouth. Worry flooded Kohane's expression. Soft touch vanished from An's cheeks.
First things first. She was gagging on her own snot, so she grabbed a tissue from her nightstand and proceeded to blow the shit out of her nose. Pathetic. She sneaked glances at Kohane. The sudden change in her partner's face scared her.
Having finished, she leaned out to throw it into the bin. Now, she just had to clear some things up.
"Uh, by that I meant… don't force yourself!" An stumbled upon her own words. "You said you wanted to make me happy, right?".
Kohane nodded, unsure of the direction An's words were going to take.
An swallowed. "I don't want you to do that. Not at your own expense. You don't like touch as much as I do, do you? Don't force yourself to be… So affectionate towards me… Just because I seem out of it."
Kohane's expression softened again.
"Oh, darling. I am not forcing myself to do anything. I-", her face reddened as she was about to say it, "I love touching you. It feels good."
Her hand moved up, picking out a strand of her own hair and fiddling with it.
Sight of her partner like this shot An in the heart. She could tell she's gone all tomato herself. She didn't fully feel at ease just yet, though.
"Why don't you do it, then? Even though I'm hugging and kissing you all the time…"
"Because it's embarrassing!", Kohane squealed. "I do love it when you embarrass me like that, though", she added upon noticing An's frown.
"But for real. I get worried sometimes, too. That my affection doesn't compare to yours. Your love seems so effortlessly bright, while mine is small and cowardly. Every time I think of touching you, I get all anxious and end up waiting for you to take initiative… I guess you could attribute this to my low confidence", Kohane looked up at An, hoping she understood her way of putting things.
An tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Kohane speaking about herself that way… She couldn't stand it.
"Whoever made you think you're not enough needs to be punched in the face. I really wish I was punched, too. I still hate myself for not treating you like an equal back then.", An felt tears fill her eyes yet again.
"Kohane, your love- Your love makes me cry. In a good way. I mean, just look at me right now! And you know I'm a strong person!", she pointed at her puffy face, her encouraging smile looking rather pathetic.
"You are amazing. Both on and off stage. I admire you so much! Oh, if only you could see yourself through my eyes…!"
"Stop, you'll make me cry too!" Kohane's voice also slightly broke. Her sweet, teary laugh turned out contagious to An.
Suddenly, Kohane wrapped her arms around her partner. Yet again caught off guard, An returned the hug after a second.
"I love you so much, An-chan. You have no idea. I should tell you that more often."
"I love you too…" An mumbled, as she nuzzled into Kohane's chest. Her scent was the most pleasant in the world. In An's mind, it basically equaled security and comfort. She felt excited at the thought that her clothes and sheets will be covered in it.
Kohane giggled yet again. "To think you could be so adorable. I just love seeing you like that."
An groaned. Kohane was fully aware of the effect she had on her at this point.
For a while, An just enjoyed the sound of Kohane's heartbeat while the other girl caressed her back. She felt so alive. To think fate would give her such an amazing partner… Once again, she swore to herself that she would never let their paths separate.
An dragged them both down into a lying position with one swift move. She looked forward to falling asleep in Kohane's embrace and waking up to the sight of her smile.
"It's high time we went to sleep. Don't you think?"
"Yeah. Just let me turn off the lights."
An reluctantly let her partner go. She used the moment to blow her nose again and leave the used tissue on the nightstand. She pulled her partner back into a hug when she returned.
Kohane kissed her on the forehead.
"Goodnight, An-chan."
"Goodnight, Kohane."