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“You are going to fail,” he chanted evilly to Kaizuka’s back, rolling comfortably on his favorite couch. It was Thursday evening and he decided he deserved a proper break after all the chores he did around the house. Thursdays were always reserved for major cleaning; he honestly didn’t know why it had to be Thursdays but Kaizuka was a weird bitch and there was no point to argue with him over cleaning schedule. Considering Kaizuka was the one to do all their cooking for the three years since their cohabitation had started and was the only one who was bringing money into their home, he felt like for once in his life he’d scored a complete and flawless victory.
Really, what was cleaning against being stuck behind prison bars? He’d take lots - lots - of cleaning instead of going back to that void place where no one cared about his existence. Kaizuka had been visiting, of course, but not as often as he’d preferred; it was simply against prison rules for the convicts to enjoy themselves in the chess wars against their supervisors. Prison years had been shit - the undeniable fact - and thank God Kaizuka had agreed with him about it; when he finally told him they were going to ditch prison to live together he wasted no time to sign papers. Kaizuka had been inspecting his sign for minutes, convinced he could not have been this easy to agree, and he secretly huffed.
He’d never tell Kaizuka this but he believed that Kaizuka - apart from being a weird bitch - was also a decent person. They’d been mortal enemies and now Kaizuka was ironing his shirts and bed sheets on Saturdays, cooked them tasty food every day and listened patiently to his sarcastic comments whenever they watched movies on TV together. It was heaven. Fuck his whole life: fuck the neglect during his childhood and fuck the harsh years of abuse on Vers; fuck his nonexistent love life and any desires to right the world for the suffering people; fuck his guilt and his bitter memories, fuck everything. He was done; his life now was perfect. He had zero responsibility and he reveled in it.
“I will succeed,” Kaizuka replied without turning to look at him. He was staring at himself in the mirror that stood in the corner of their living room and was fixing his tie for the seventeenth time; it was seventeenth - he counted for the sake of telling Kaizuka later ‘You fixed your tie seventeen times and still failed’. It was becoming a routine ever since Kaizuka’s sister became set on arranging Kaizuka’s personal life. Privately, he thought that Kaizuka was in no need of any personal life because he was already spending all his free time on taking care of him, and he found absolutely no fault in it. But Kaizuka’s sister was also an insistent bitch - evidently, it ran in the family - and in the end she managed to corner Kaizuka with some kind of bizarre sisterly logic. ‘You owe me for lying to me and running away on your own during the war! And just think for how long you’ve been secluding yourself with Troyard of all people? I will never forgive you if you don’t listen to me!’ she screamed her lungs out and Kaizuka capitulated.
“It’s what… your tenth attempt?” he snickered, changing his position on the couch by putting his legs over its back and hanging his head down towards the floor. Looking at Kaizuka upside down was funny; he could see how impeccable his attire was - black boots, black pants, black coat with the red shirt underneath, and the tie that finished his immaculate image smoothly. Obviously, by his tenth attempt Kaizuka knew at least how to dress; he had even helped him to pick out his garments after his fifth failed meeting - he wasn’t that cruel to stand aside and watch for forever.
Kaizuka moved to cross the room towards his leather case, then spared him a glance. “I have everything under control this time,” he said, sounding convinced. “The plan is solid: I’ve prepared means of transportation, reserved the table at a restaurant in advance, I’ve got plenty of time ahead for any accidents, I know how to behave and I’ll prepare an offering.”
He raised his eye-brow, playing with his fingers with the couch plaid he had pushed over his belly. “Offering?” he wondered in curiosity. That was something new. Maybe Kaizuka was really getting better at dating? It was too early to judge though; he had these thoughts before Kaizuka’s seventh date only for Kaizuka to come back home in defeat. Apparently, his chances had been destroyed when he took out his tablet and started taking notes about the girl and her history to make a better assessment of her and he’d told her what he was doing directly. Fuck, he cackled over that failure like mad, for hours and days; it was a miracle Kaizuka hadn’t punched him for all the snide comments.
“Many dating guides are giving a common advice - to buy flowers for your date,” Kaizuka explained, barely refraining from fixing his tie for the eighteenth time. Instead, he grabbed his leather case and walked to the front door, the specks of light dancing on his ideally polished boots.
“Hmm, flowers isn’t a bad idea,” he agreed but before he could lecture Kaizuka about the kind of flowers to choose Kaizuka was already closing the door, so he only managed to shout, “Don’t be cheap!” And was left alone in the house.
He had to admit it was a bit lonely to stay home without Kaizuka. He tolerated it when Kaizuka was at work - the UFE fuckers loved to work him to death - but weekends was a different matter. They often went to walks and shared dinners and watched movies during weekends, and it actually felt like a life, not a lonely existence. If anyone asked him, weekends were sacred. His and Kaizuka’s chess war still hadn’t been resolved and, moreover, Kaizuka tended to cook richer dishes during his free days, and maybe he was a liar but he would never lie about Kaizuka’s wondrous cooking abilities. They had to exist solely for him and him alone, and Kaizuka couldn’t cook when he was away on his silly dates.
He pouted and slid from the couch onto the carpet, then played with the remote but didn’t find anything decent to watch. He shuffled to the kitchen and stuck his head into the fridge, brightened as he saw the dinner leftovers. Kaizuka usually frowned at using microwave but the idiot wasn’t there so microwave it was. The food wasn’t as tasty as when it was freshly done but it was still good and sated him. He was finishing his tea when he heard the front door open so he hurried to the living room and the hall. Kaizuka came back home suspiciously early.
Kaizuka dropped his leather case onto the stand instead of putting it there calmly like he was used to after arriving from work. He’d seen this scene exactly nine times before, and a wicked smile crawled onto his lips. Yet, before he could ask any questions Kaizuka’s phone rang and he watched as he took it from his case. They both stared wordlessly at the calling person for a minute or two; it was Kaizuka’s sister. He put his hand on Kaizuka’s shoulder and gripped it tightly under the pretense of support. Who the hell cared about support when all he wanted was to know how exactly Kaizuka had fucked up this time?
Kaizuka tried to move but it was futile. Who was he trying to kid? The prison had been left behind three years ago and Kaizuka had managed his health personally so he was strong as fuck. Resigning with his fate - knowing he wouldn’t be able to take the talk elsewhere - Kaizuka answered the call. His sister was screaming her lungs out again and, well, the first scream said it all.
“Inaho!” she cried in desperate anger. “Who the hell brings cacti to dates?”
He had to use his second hand to smack it against his mouth and keep it there or he would sob with laughter.
“What is the problem with cacti?” Kaizuka asked in exhaustion. “They are pricey, look sturdy; they do not need particular care. And those rainbow hedgehog ones looked like eggs.”
“You chose it because it looked like an egg?” Kaizuka’s sister choked.
“I chose it because of all the aforementioned reasons,” Kaizuka confirmed, looking at the way he tried to hold back his laughter. He was pretty sure his face became wholly red by now. Kaizuka’s lips formed a dissatisfied line. “Yuki, I’m sorry but I have the whole backseat of cacti to deal with. I will call you about the next date later.” He ended the call and addressed him, “Yes, Troyard, I failed just as you predicted. Now help me with the cacti. I am responsible for driving Admiral Hakkinen tomorrow. I have doubts he is going to approve sitting on cacti.”
He followed Kaizuka on autopilot; the ability of speaking had left him for good. He wondered if Kaizuka would throttle him if he let out his grunting sounds of laughter. The short walk helped him get ahold of himself but just as he thought it was safe to speak Kaizuka opened the car door and his look landed on the cacti. The cheery stingy plants crowded every place his eyes could see; they were yellow, pink, blue and violet and they had stickers on their stingy tops - thanks to the florist, certainly - with different smileys, smiling or devilish ones - and short texts attached. There were innocent texts that stated ‘I’m cute!’ or ‘I’m the pinkest of the bunch!’ but there were also more daring ones like ‘Don’t lick me! Lick the one who bought me!’ or ‘I am as thick as your boyfriend’s dick’.
Fuck, he couldn’t take it. “Why did you buy so many?” was the only thing he managed to get out and then roared with laughter and bent in two near Kaizuka’s car. Knowing Kaizuka, he could understand why he went for the cacti but why did he have to buy dozens of them? It was absolutely ridiculous. Wiping tears, he looked how Kaizuka picked up one of the cacti wordlessly and headed with it towards home; the cactus was blue and the sticker on it said ‘I am the wisest. Don’t look at others.’ Kaizuka refused to answer him but, fuck, he didn’t care at the moment.
It took him minutes and Kaizuka walking past him four times to calm down and help him. They brought the cacti to the guest room and he inwardly snickered. If Kaizuka’s sister decided to visit she’d have to sleep among all the stinging beauty since the cacti now occupied most of the surfaces in the room. Eventually, Kaizuka had settled on the couch back in the living room and locked his hands together over his knees, and he sat close and stared at him in silent plea. He fucking loved these moments when Kaizuka described his failed dates and asked him what he needed to correct. His life was a bit boring so, well, he had a privilege to laugh at Kaizuka’s antics, didn’t he? He was going to help later after all.
“I suspected the florist only wanted to get rid of the unpopular product because he was insisting I take many rather than several, and the amount didn’t seem practical at all for a date, but I went along with his suggestions after he said that my date could pick the ones she’d love. It seemed reasonable enough,” Kaizuka gave up the truth, then rubbed his forehead tiredly. “Dating women requires too much work and preparation. Why are there so many rules about it? I need to pick the right clothes, the right flowers, the right place, the right words, the right timing, the right behavior. It is harder than work.”
He chuckled, leaning on his elbow and smiling at Kaizuka with his honest and relaxed smile. He was done having his fun for the day and he realized he sincerely felt for Kaizuka. The man was weird but it didn’t mean he deserved to spend his life alone. Kaizuka was very caring and protective and intelligent - in his own way - but he guessed the society didn’t have the patience to look beneath the first impression. He’d hated Kaizuka too during the war, and only time and Kaizuka’s regard let him see his core. No wonder his sister tried so hard to attach him to someone; it was close to impossible as Kaizuka didn’t seem to want to change; he merely played by the rules to placate his sister. For a second it made him ponder on whether Kaizuka even planned to see a person further in case his date went successfully and he realized he couldn’t find a definite answer.
The words that came off his lips were spontaneous, and he thought nothing of them at that moment. He was set to help Kaizuka and since Kaizuka was blind to the other possible option he had voiced it. “Date men then,” he said.
“Men?” Kaizuka blinked at him in obvious surprise, like he was astonished the idea hadn’t ever visited his head.
“Yes, men,” he nodded, proud at himself for being helpful. “Dating most men should be simpler than women. You don’t have to bring flowers, you don’t have to think of overdressing, you don’t have to play the gentlemen all the time. I mean we, men, are of simpler mind than women, aren’t we? Most women view us as possible future life partners from the start so dating has to be close to perfect for them since the start. Men, on the contrary, prefer to make no promises and stand on equal ground: meetings are done for the pleasure of it at first, without any need to look into the future. So it’s okay if you’re not dressed in pricey clothes or if you both pay for the food. Do you follow me?”
“I think so,” Kaizuka confirmed.
“Mind you, I’m generalizing a lot of things here. I mean I’m pretty sure there’s a girl out there who’d like you the way you are,” he made sure to pat Kaizuka’s hurt ego. “I’m just presenting you with more options. Your sister might not like the idea of you and a man together but since it’s your happiness at stake I’m sure she’ll get by. So if the idea doesn’t averse you, why not try it?” And if Kaizuka’s dating still failed he’d just have more fun.
Kaizuka’s exhaustion seemed to evaporate and he looked livelier than a minute ago. “Thank you, Troyard. I will consider it.”
He nodded again and they were done with the talk.
It took two more failed dates with girls and a slap across his face from one of them for Kaizuka to approach his sister with the idea of dating men. Kaizuka’s sister cried a raging river over the phone but had finally agreed to secure him a meeting ‘to try it out and hopefully not like it’ as she’d said. It took her some time to find him a date as, apparently, there wasn’t a crowd of free men who liked to boast openly about their preferences, so life had continued peacefully for a while. He’d almost forgotten all about Kaizuka’s dating and was simply enjoying their stable life when Kaizuka asked him for help with preparations - mainly, clothes.
He hid his smile, somehow sure he’d soon have another evening of laughter and chose acceptable garments for Kaizuka from his wardrobe. He wasn’t trying to fool his meeting; he chose plain yet nice things that made Kaizuka’s lean body show all the shy promises of skin and muscle and even helped him comb his hair back. His clothes and hair were actually the only things they worked on. “Just relax and talk about yourself, then let the guy talk about himself and try to find common topics you can discuss,” he mumbled as he ushered Kaizuka to the exit.
He spent a nice evening alone, albeit a bit lonely, and was surprised the clock showed midnight when he heard the front door slid shut. Kaizuka had been away for hours? He went to meet him as usual to enjoy the sight of his secretly crestfallen face but was shocked to see Kaizuka deadly calm, close to satisfied. Fuck, was that a mirage or his cheeks were really tinged with redness - of that kind when one feels feverish after the wonderfully spent time? Surely, it couldn’t be. It was only first Kaizuka’s date with a man; he couldn’t have nailed it so soon, could he?
“How was it?” he asked anxiously, not really sure why the sudden need to know overwhelmed him so strongly.
“I… didn’t expect it would go so well,” Kaizuka admitted as he took off his jacket, then boots. “He was very well versed in molecular physics and we spent the evening discussing the recent scientific breakthroughs.”
He frowned and crossed his arms. “Not very romantic,” he let the insult linger but Kaizuka ignored him as usual.
“Regardless of romanticism we both enjoyed it and had agreed to meet in two weeks,” Kaizuka paused, looking to the side at the wall. “He was intelligent and seemed to have no trouble with the way I talk. You were right; it was easier. He also didn’t make any scenes about my eye-patch and simply asked me why I was wearing it when I put it off during our dinner; he never questioned my reply. I found it… relaxing.”
Ah, yes, Kaizuka’s habit of wearing his eye-patch despite that the UFE had gifted him the simplified version of the mechanical eye that allowed him to have full vision was questionable and thus the women usually looked at him in confusion. He too found that habit odd but he never pestered Kaizuka about it since he also had several strange habits - like commanding the TV to start in his Count voice before actually using the remote. Well, he probably just missed flying on Tharsis.
“That’s a… success then,” he mumbled and had finally stopped blocking the entrance to the living room; he felt lost. “Eh… Congratulations?”
“Thank you, Troyard. Your advices were helpful.”
“Eh… right, you’re welcome,” he breathed out and escaped hurriedly to his room. Alone, he dropped onto his bed and stared into darkness, feeling oddly confused. Something just didn’t sit right in his thoughts but he couldn’t pinpoint the reason for it or what exactly it was no matter how he tried. It was lamentable that he hadn’t been able to mock Kaizuka and have his laugh over his poor skills of dating, sure, but was it really the reason his mood had suddenly soured? Sometimes he just didn’t understand himself. He huffed and decided to sleep the feeling over.
The morning however didn’t erase his gloom. He ate breakfast and saw Kaizuka off to work, then shuffled around the house aimlessly, not really keen to watch TV or read books. He caught a ruffled image of himself in the mirror and slapped his own cheeks, trying to cheer up. The next days went a bit better but after two weeks, as soon as Kaizuka left for his second date with the unknown guy, he gave up any pretenses of the good mood and let his irritation surface. He spent the evening in silence, drumming his fingers against the couch upholstery, wishing Kaizuka would get home faster, but Kaizuka was away for hours again.
And when he came back he showed no signs of disappointment, instead he told him they would meet soon for their third date, this time not in a restaurant but to walk in the park. He bit his cheek until it hurt and spit out the venomous words, not even sure where they’d come from, “Already smitten, aren’t you? Didn’t take you for the whorish kind.”
Kaizuka blinked and gave him a long look, obviously lost on why he was attacking him verbally, “Actually, we’ve talked about it and decided to take it slow,” he said matter-of-factly. “He hasn’t any experience with men either so the plan is to get comfortable with each other first. My estimation is that maybe we shall try kissing after the fourth or fifth date. For now we just enjoy our conversations; I find it pleasant that he is able to follow my logic and is so good at science. We discussed bioengineering today.”
Fuck. Kaizuka was smitten. He never talked so much about anyone, even his precious sister. He didn’t wait for him to continue his odes about his date and had left to his bedroom again, making sure to bang his door as loudly as he could. He groaned as he paced his room, attempting to reason his anger. He was just furious Kaizuka hadn’t cooked his favorite dish today because he was busy, right? He had no other explanations for the tangle of the negative emotions he felt. He plucked at his hair and made a deep breath. Kaizuka didn’t deserve his ire just because he didn’t cook for one evening, more so it was his own belief that Kaizuka deserved to have a good partner. What the fuck became wrong with him at the first signs of Kaizuka liking someone?
He found no answer but he managed to quell his irritation and go about their days as usual. He was patient enough to listen to Kaizuka about his third and fourth dates but when the fifth came around he couldn’t take it anymore. He waited for Kaizuka at the porch despite that it was winter and the temperature went below zero with snow covering the ground and upon Kaizuka’s return he grabbed the collar of his jacket and dragged him closer to hiss into his face, “So did you enjoy the kissing, Casanova?”
“I did,” the fucker replied. Strange that he wasn’t trying to wrestle out of his grip. His look became distant and dreamy like he was still taken by the fresh memories. “It was nice. Pretty sure I would get aroused if we continued. Though…”
Kaizuka’s straightforwardness was a bitch. He didn’t listen further, just brushed Kaizuka to the side and jumped into the house, throwing his own winter clothes off, his head a total mess. Why did it hurt? Why was his heart beating so madly and eyes burning from the tears that wanted to be shed? He didn’t even watch where he was going and had ended up lying in the center of the guest room, surrounded by cacti. He was cold after spending hours outside but he didn’t search for warmth. Somehow it felt right to lie there and think of freezing to death.
Of course he didn’t freeze to death. He simply spent the night on the floor like an idiot. The nearest yellow cactus had confirmed it when his gaze fell on its sticker that said ‘You’re an idiot if you don’t take me home.’ He took the cactus to his room and then visited the kitchen where he discovered that Kaizuka had already gone to work; the table was crowded with packaged plates of food and small Kaizuka’s notes on what and when to eat. He sat down heavily and rested his cheek on the table surface, feeling utterly drained.
He wasn’t really thinking when his mouth opened and words tumbled out, kind of unconsciously, “Fucking Kaizuka. Why does he even need dates if he already has me?”
A minute later his brain woke up and he registered what he’d just said. His face probably went blue from the sudden realization as he paused, leaning over the table. What? No. What the fuck? The fuck? It couldn’t be! They were living together for years and he’d never felt anything of the sort. He was mistaken, right? Feelings like this didn’t appear out of nowhere. It was just a silly thought, hahaha. Nothing but poor wording of his mind!
The feeling of doom overwhelmed him and, still blue-faced and unable to distract himself, he ended up lying on his favorite couch in a pose of a dead person, having folded his hands over his chest. He was mad for even supposing it but no way in hell he was jealous. It was absurd to think he could have fallen for Kaizuka. Kaizuka was his mortal enemy and a weird asshole! Although he was kind and caring and honest and the only one to view him as an equal despite their circumstances. But they had nothing in common! Apart from living together for years and having already washed enough of each other’s socks to stop detesting it. And Kaizuka wasn’t even appealing! Except that he was when dressed properly - preferably by him - with all his lean muscles and military posture and his natural confidence.
Oh, fuck. He felt like vomiting. How the fuck had he totally missed he was drooling over Kaizuka? He rolled on the couch facedown as his cheeks went aflame. Perhaps, he had been too busy with making fun of him when he was dating women to notice his own feelings. But, somehow, he knew back then that it would be impossible for Kaizuka to score a successful date. It was enough to hear his story about dating his childhood friend - the relationship that had failed in less than three months - to grasp that Kaizuka was hopeless when it came to women. He knew deep down that no matter how much he’d help him the dates would still go awry. That’s why he probably felt safe to mock Kaizuka, why it was funny and not worrisome.
Honestly, he was a brainless idiot who couldn’t see farther than his own nose. And now fate had slapped him. It was his own suggestion that he had voiced out of the pureness of his heart - there were some leftovers after the war, he guessed - that had pushed Kaizuka towards his current date. And he could blame only himself now. Instead of acknowledging his feelings and approaching Kaizuka he had led him into the arms of another. He let out a pitiful laugh and covered himself fully with the plaid. His life was destined to be miserable.
He tried to suck it up, he did. It was his own fault and all he could do now was wish Kaizuka happiness. But it was hard to watch him come after his long outings satisfied and energized. His heart hurt, especially when once he’d noticed how swollen Kaizuka’s lips were; he had probably kissed that guy in the cold. The image of Kaizuka kissing with someone else was depressing but in a bout of bravery he’d asked him to make a photo of the guy, secretly hoping to find reasons to tell Kaizuka to stop dating him.
There were none. The photo Kaizuka showed him was of an ordinary guy of their age. He wasn’t the most handsome dude on the planet, apparently, but he seemed fine - dark hair, toned skin, fashionable spectacles and a nice build, not overly thin or bulky. He looked quiet and modest too. Fuck Kaizuka’s sister for her ability to find dates for her brother out of nowhere. He closed his eyes and returned Kaizuka his tablet, feeling defeated. “Looks nice,” he mumbled.
“Yes, but there’s just something I…” Kaizuka said but it had fallen on his deaf ears and he hurried away to his room to hide his trembling lips.
Winter seemed to take up to his sullen mood. The ridiculous amounts of snow had fallen down so Kaizuka had to use a shovel to clear the paths around the house. He’d called him to help but he ignored him, too busy brooding in the guest room together with the cacti. The little stingy plants that no one needed were his best friends now. He patted the nearest blue one, read its sticker and nodded understandingly to its message ‘Love is stingy just like me!’ He wondered what his message would be if he suddenly turned into a cactus, probably something akin to ‘No water! Let this stingy bastard die faster!’
Fuck, he was losing it as Kaizuka’s dates frequented and he was spending more evenings in the house alone. He couldn’t help it when scorns started falling off his mouth. His frustration was constant and it fueled his anger and the sole fact depressed him even more - he always was an emotional wreck. He wasn’t likable and never would be. Even his body was scarred and unappealing. It was probably quite an ordeal to stay by his side. He considered telling Kaizuka that he wished to live alone but the possibility scared him more than he could ever admit. It terrified him, left him choking, almost threw him into a panic attack.
He stumbled to the kitchen during the night, his whole body shaking, only for Kaizuka to catch him into his arms. It was quite in time or he would have smashed his face against the floor. He’d had these attacks in the past, in prison and for some months after he left the prison for good, but Kaizuka’s care, his presence, had helped tremendously. Kaizuka had never complained about sleepless nights that he spent together with him, serving him tea or simply staying close.
“Nightmare?” Kaizuka asked, still holding him, and touched his forehead. “You haven’t had any for a while. Are you alright, Slaine? You’ve been acting strangely for weeks.”
He didn’t speak but he felt like crumbling as they sat on their knees in the middle of the kitchen. He pressed his face into Kaizuka’s reliable shoulder and let himself weep for the lost opportunities, taking the support gladly despite his aching heart. He knew if Kaizuka went into proper relationship with his date his future would immediately change. Kaizuka would make the guy a priority - like he was supposed to - and their life together would end. He had to prepare himself for it; he had to be stronger. Kaizuka deserved to be happy; he had to remember that.
Kaizuka frowned - in his barely obvious way - when he’d unlocked their embrace after calming down and went away without explaining anything but he didn’t pressure him into telling. He resolved to behave normally and failed as the weeks dragged forward. He knew Kaizuka had noticed that he wasn’t laughing anymore, that he did his chores reluctantly, that he had troubles sleeping and spent too much time with the cacti, that he avoided him and ignored any talks about his date Kaizuka attempted to start. Frankly, he was as obvious as a troll but he was sure Kaizuka’s logic would falter in the process of grasping for truth. He would probably arrive to the conclusion that he was depressed about his lost sock or something; it sounded more realistic.
It was one of the evenings when Kaizuka was supposed to be out at his continuous dates and he didn’t expect him to return early. He was sitting on the stairs that led to the second floor, busy with hugging his knees and pitying himself, so he wasn’t prepared for Kaizuka’s sudden appearance. It was too late to run away and pretend he didn’t see him. Kaizuka placed his leather case on the table but it wasn’t his usual calm way, though neither was it the slightly forceful way he had been placing it after his failed dates. No, it looked more like his day went the way he expected but he was still not entirely pleased about it.
He watched him undress silently and walk into his bedroom and, just as he was about to leave, Kaizuka had reemerged in his home clothes and sat down on the same step he was perched at. He looked at him in confusion in the semi-darkness; shadows were hiding the expression in Kaizuka’s eyes. He didn’t wear his eye-patch today which was odd enough already. “We ended it,” Kaizuka declared in a tired tone, and his world was thrown off its axis again.
“Eh?” he exclaimed; shock was eating him alive. “Why?” he demanded. “Wasn’t it going good?” Here he was actively burying any hopes of a decent future by Kaizuka’s side and Kaizuka had the audacity to foul his dramatic plans again. Which was perfect but he wasn’t ready to accept the new reality so fast.
“For a number of reasons,” Kaizuka replied vaguely. “I suppose we both were not as invested into dating each other as it seemed to us in the beginning.”
He ignored the grand feeling of relief that washed over him and gritted his teeth. He’d been suffering for months and it was for nothing. Trust Kaizuka to make him mad. “I don’t fucking get you!” he spat, moving away from him on the step, closer to the wooden railing. “Are you into women after all?”
“No, it’s not that,” Kaizuka answered, confusing as fuck and clearly not feeling guilty over being just so. “As I said earlier I enjoyed making out. Physically.”
That fucking word rang in his ears for the next several days as they settled back into the familiar routine. He felt calmer now that Kaizuka was back home during evenings and weekends, and when he heard him calling his sister and telling her he was tired of dating and was not going to do any of it in the near future he almost let out a winning scream while Kaizuka Yuki whined desperately into Kaizuka’s ear. Still, that word that Kaizuka had intoned firmly when they spoke about his date didn’t let him rest. Had Kaizuka meant something by it? Or was it his imagination?
Fuck, but he was just happy they could watch movies together again. Although who was he fooling? Sitting together with Kaizuka on the couch was pure torture now. He had shivers every time their thighs or shoulders bumped and all he really wanted to do was drop his head onto Kaizuka’s lap and beg him for a caress. Their days were the same and yet they were different - he was different. He had a chance now, didn’t he? It was an option he’d never ever thought about before Kaizuka’s dating fiasco but now it was all he could dream about. They were living together so they surely could try dating each other, right?
The fear that it would fail though stopped him from any actions. He had only one chance and many circumstances were against him. Apart from their established life there was nothing good about him. He was a convict who would never taste real freedom, he wasn’t as intelligent as Kaizuka’s last date, his body was a mess of scars and his emotional nature would only bring Kaizuka harm. Kaizuka’s sister would also be terrified at the prospect of their relationship and would strangle him personally. He had nothing to offer Kaizuka but his imperfect self, and that was… probably not even worthy Kaizuka’s time.
He became gloomy again, not as heavily as the last time, but his visits to cacti had intensified. Kaizuka even asked him whether he wanted him to buy more; he refused, he had enough troubles looking after the hordes in their guest room. He was exhausted by the thoughts in his head and he knew Kaizuka was watching him; sometimes Kaizuka tried to talk to him but he left his questions unanswered. It only led to Kaizuka’s suspicion and worry to grow and he followed him more. He didn’t know how to fix the situation.
And he couldn’t even imagine it would be Kaizuka’s sister who would fix the situation.
She came to visit them at the start of summer. Her visits to their house were rare since she needed to get a clearance from the UFE first as their home was situated on the UFE territory; it was a daunting procedure so she mainly contacted Kaizuka over the phone or met him in the city, and those meetings weren’t frequent too because of their different work schedules. For him it usually meant he’d have to suffer through several days of scowls that she tried to hide from Kaizuka; there was no denying Kaizuka Yuki hated him for gobbling her brother’s life.
Normally he was used to hide away in his room while she was present, and the only torturous thing was sharing meals. He always wanted to take food to his room but every time Kaizuka demanded his presence at the table and refused to serve food without him. He obeyed, of course; there was no point to make a scene in front of Kaizuka’s sister.
This time wasn’t different. As soon as they sat down to eat he tried to focus on his food and ignore how vehemently Yuki was staring at him. Well, she didn’t look as angry as usual but there was something akin to irritation in the way she kept pursing her lips. She kept looking between him and Kaizuka and they shared a short look too. ‘What the fuck is with your sister today?’ he asked with a barely noticeable twitch of his cheek. ‘Let’s wait and find out,’ Kaizuka replied with how he balanced his spoon for a moment at the edge of the soup bowl.
Kaizuka’s sister rolled her eyes at their antics and suddenly sighed, drawing their attention. Irritation had evaporated from her posture. “You know what, Nao?” she said. “I just want you to be happy. I thought I could at least show you how many opportunities you have but you’re unbelievably resilient. I give up. I should have said it from the start but I was stubborn because I love you.” A small defeated smile found its way on her lips. “So I’ll be honest now. You should date Troyard.”
The glass of juice he was holding slipped off his hand - thankfully he had almost finished it - and he stared at Kaizuka Yuki, blue-faced from shock. He could not fucking believe it; had he hallucinated? It didn’t seem so as Kaizuka too looked taken aback - his lips were a bit open and he was blinking at his sister. They stared at her together in silence before Kaizuka finally spoke.
“I was already considering that option but thank you for pointing it out,” he announced. “I realize how hard it must be for you.”
He turned his head and looked at Kaizuka in horror. Kaizuka’s revelation made him want to duck under the table. What the fuck was going on here?
“I see, then I’m a bit late,” Yuki laughed, shaking her head. “You’re so oblivious sometimes that I wanted to use it in hope you haven’t settled already. Guess it wasn’t very nice of me.”
“The dates were a bother,” Kaizuka agreed readily but didn’t look offended.
“Excuse me!” he squeaked finally in a weak voice. “Is anyone here even aware I’m present for the conversation?”
Kaizuka’s sister scowled at him. “Hush, I’m pretty sure you’ve been drooling over my baby brother back when you were a Count.”
“Were you?” Kaizuka asked, looking at him in hopeful curiosity.
“I did no such thing!” he exclaimed, scandalized.
Kaizuka Yuki merely shrugged her shoulders; what a fucking devilish woman she was! “Well, you better start now,” she advised. “My brother deserves the best and you’re as far from the best as Earth is from Mars.”
“If we consider the size of the solar system or - better - universe,” Kaizuka interjected, “Mars isn’t that far.”
He punched the table with his fists, screamed in frustration, stood up and escaped to the guest room. He totally forgot that Kaizuka’d been sleeping there, refusing to let his sister hurt herself over the army of the neatly arranged cacti. So when he landed onto the made bed that smelled distantly of Kaizuka he let out a miserable sound. It seemed like the whole world was against him, that he couldn’t have even a minute of peace. He still buried his face into Kaizuka’s pillow, breathing in deeply, because he wished to pacify his mind, and somehow - at least when he kept his mouth shut - Kaizuka had that effect on him.
The memory of Kaizuka voicing those words - of considering him as a date - made him feel feverish. Surely, it couldn’t be true. Why would Kaizuka even think of him when he could have anyone - well, anyone who didn’t mind his horrendous skills of dating? Why would Kaizuka’s sister propose it; didn’t she hate him? He hugged the pillow, his gaze lost in the jungle of the colorful cacti until it got stuck at the pink one that had the weird ‘All ye terrans, surrender to me!’ sticker. Did the florist have secret connections to Vers? No wonder the things were unpopular. Fuck, maybe nowadays they were growing cacti on Mars?
The bed dipped as Kaizuka climbed onto it and moved close to him behind his back. He refused to acknowledge his presence, not yet; his heart beat wildly. The conversation could change his life forever, could scar it irreparably, could end whatever balance he and Kaizuka managed to achieve. So he didn’t talk and, perhaps, it was what made Kaizuka think it was fine for him to act. Damn it, Kaizuka was incorrigible; maybe that’s why he got slapped often during his dates. Seriously, he didn’t even warn him before he pressed his body to his and started kissing his neck.
It was absurd. Kaizuka Inaho was kissing his neck tenderly, having pulled the hem of his t-shirt down, and he actually liked it. He wanted to lean back into the pressure of his lips, into the firmness of his body, into the warmth and kindness he offered. Instead, his lips curled into a nasty smile and he huffed, “Are you assaulting me?”
“Depends on how you want to view it,” Kaizuka paused for a second, then resumed his kisses. When he breathed too close to his ear and the first kiss landed on his chin he lost his patience, rolled to face Kaizuka and pushed him away roughly with his hand against his chest; he kept his hand there to be safe. He didn’t trust Kaizuka and he didn’t trust himself.
“Why me?” he demanded, trying not to show how his body cheered at the feeling of firm chest under his touch.
“I actually thought of you as soon as you proposed dating men, but you seemed disinterested in the idea so I put off thinking about it and then the next dates were secured and I didn’t want to deal with Yuki’s backlash,” Kaizuka replied.
“Why me?” he repeated, restless. “Hadn’t you had a nice fling with that guy?”
“He was fine,” Kaizuka reached with his hand and covered his fingers that were still keeping him at distance. “But he wasn’t you.”
“What?” he breathed out, confused, and watched how Kaizuka entwined their fingers and dragged their united hands to the bed. It felt… incredible. Kaizuka’s hand was warm and strong and it held his with the intention of forever or so it seemed. His eyes burned from the sheer gentleness.
“I tried to talk to you but you never wanted to. After the novelty of the first dates had passed and when we really started to get intimate it just… lacked,” Kaizuka confessed, holding his hand tighter. “I could get aroused but I never really wanted to continue and I didn’t miss it the next day, not him. When I was riding back home, however, and thinking what I’d do if you were in his place…”
His throat went dry and he let Kaizuka lean closer, their eyes locked fiercely. “What would you do?” he asked in a dazed whisper, scared of his own desires and the sudden need to know.
“Wreck you,” Kaizuka told him, lacking any decency to choose more seemly words. “Keep you. Never let you go even if you begged me to.”
Fuck. It was pointless to deny it. He wanted it. He wanted Kaizuka Inaho. He wanted to be wrecked and to wreck Kaizuka in return. The reasons for it eluded him; they’ve spent years together without any signs of intimacy to their relationship, and now he was spellbound. Bewitched simply by how close Kaizuka’s lips were. All it would take him to steal a kiss would be to lean a bit forward and press his mouth into his lips. He barely remembered how kissing felt; how would it feel with Kaizuka, he wondered.
“Date me, Slaine Troyard,” having voiced the words, Kaizuka shifted forward in an obvious plan to unite their lips, but he hastily moved his second hand and placed it in the middle of Kaizuka’s face.
“No,” he barked, trying to scowl, and then hurried to say the next words, feeling how Kaizuka’s hand stiffened in clear disappointment of his refusal. “If you know my history then you should know that I don’t do dating. I will only settle for marriage.”
He knew he was being even more absurd than Kaizuka, but to hell with it. He wanted guarantees; he wanted a clear future. If Kaizuka considered him worthy enough to be his partner then he wanted the whole of Kaizuka - for forever. It was the only way he’d be able to bare his soul for him, to give him everything he had left, and he wasn’t even sure how much that was and if there was something truly worthy he could offer to him. But he was a greedy being, always had been. If life wanted to give him a miracle he would accept it.
“No problem, let’s fill out the form tomorrow,” Kaizuka agreed in a heartbeat, and he found himself laughing as the tension between them broke. It was his first laugh in weeks.
“You are… impossible!” he grumbled, hiding his flushed face in the pillow. “And an idiot. And I hate you. Detest you! Can’t stand you and your cacti! Why do you have to be my husband?”
“Should we buy cacti for the marriage ceremony?” Kaizuka wondered, ignoring his embarrassing chatter.
“Fuck you,” he said lovingly, looking at their still interlocked hands.