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“Ok, remember when…we first kissed?” Carson asks.
“Hmm.” Greta presses her lips together thoughtfully looking up toward the ceiling and away from Carson. She chuckles looking back at Carson.
Greta remembers.
Carson doesn’t.
***
They’re seated on the floor in their room in the convent; Greta lounging across both of their pillows and Carson cross-legged in front of her, their makeshift picnic between them. After they’ve talked about Greta’s rules and as much of her past as she feels comfortable with, which is decidedly not a lot, she decides Carson should know.
“How much of that first night in Chicago do you remember?” She asks before popping a grape into her mouth.
“Uh…” Carson chuckles looking down at her hands clasped in her lap. She’s embarrassed by the amount of that night she’s sure she doesn’t remember. “There was a lot of alcohol.”
“Drunk mostly by you.” Greta giggles. Carson looks up, but not at Greta.
“Yeah.” Carson sighs. “You made me nervous…still sometimes…” She’s toying with the hem of her pantleg. “Obviously.” She thinks back on the events of earlier in the afternoon, shaking her head and looking back down at her hands.
“Hey.” Greta taps Carson on the thigh with her toe and waits for her to look up. “It’s okay to be nervous. This is all new for you.” She pauses. Carson nods, biting at her bottom lip. “But we’re never going to do anything you’re not ready for or that you don’t want to do. Okay?”
“Okay.” Carson nods again, her hands stilling in her lap.
“Okay.” Greta smiles at her tilting her head to the side. “So…” She takes a moment, and another grape. She watches Carson watch her. “What you think was our first kiss wasn’t our first kiss.”
“What?” Carson’s eyebrows pull together. “What do you mean?”
“That first night in Chicago…” Greta watches as her words and realization wash over Carson.
“Oh my god!” Carson can’t sit anymore. She has to move. She stands and starts pacing in the small space between her bed and Greta. “I was so drunk.”
“I know.” Greta chuckles.
“That is so wrong!”
“What?” Greta isn’t sure what just happened.
“How could you?” Carson pauses her pacing to turn an accusatory eye on Greta.
“How could I?” Greta stands, her voice rising. “How could I?” She steps closer to Carson.
“You took advantage of me…” She starts pacing again, her hands moving wildly through the air. “…in a compromised state.”
“I did not!” Greta barks out, her hands going to her hips.
“How can you say that?” Carson becomes aware of their volume and looks toward the thin wall that separates them from Jess and Jo. She doesn’t want an angry Jo coming through the door, so she lowers her voice. “I was drunk.”
“So was I!” Greta says quieter, but her eyes are intense.
“That doesn’t make it ok!”
“I didn’t take advantage of you! You kissed me!”
“What?” Carson stops pacing, her head whipping around to look at Greta.
“You kissed me.”
“I…” She turns to face Greta fully, swallows. “I did?”
“Yeah.” Greta folds her arms across her chest.
“How?” Carson raises her hands in front of her, palms up.
“How did you kiss me?” Greta raises one perfectly sculpted eyebrow.
“No, that’s not what I mean.” Carson shakes her head and moves closer to Greta. “Will you tell me…what happened?”
“I was trying to.” Greta sighs and sits down on her bed.
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have interrupted.”
“You remember writing the letter?”
“I remember some. It’s pretty foggy.” Carson moves to sit on the bed with Greta leaving space between them.
“Well, you wrote your letter…”
“Our letter.” Carson smirks.
“Okay…” Greta rolls her eyes and looks off into the corner of the room. She’s upset and that breaks Carson’s heart.
“Wait Greta. I’m sorry.” She shifts a little closer to Greta on the bed. “I shouldn’t have assumed…that you. I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you.” Greta sighs and looks at Carson.
“And I’m sorry if I took advantage of you.” She places her hand gently on Greta’s arm. “I don’t remember it, but that’s no excuse. If I did…anything…I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t.” Greta unfolds her arms and turns more toward Carson.
“So, what did happen?” Carson takes Greta’s hand in hers.
“You wrote your letter…our letter.” A small smile sneaks onto Greta’s face. “And we gave it to Henry…that poor man.” She shakes her head. “And then we walked back to our rooms. We were talking and laughing and walking arm in arm. You were barefoot, carrying your slippers. It was late and quiet, and we kept shushing each other and then laughing harder at ourselves.” Greta chuckles at the memory. “When we got to your door, you grabbed my hand and pulled me toward you. You pushed me up against the door, and you kissed me. It was sweet and nice. You leaned back, still holding me against the door, and looked at me for what felt like a really long time. You kept looking at my lips like you wanted to kiss me again and maybe more and if you hadn’t been so drunk, I probably would have let you. Instead, I said we should get some sleep and I let you into your room and watched as you fell face first onto your bed and immediately passed out. And I left.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I shouldn’t have done that.” Carson is looking down at their joined hands toying with Greta’s fingers.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Greta squeezes her hand.
“Not according to everyone who isn’t you.”
“Well, everyone who isn’t me can kick rocks. We’re the only ones here, so ours are the only opinions that matter.” Greta shrugs. “Do you think I shouldn’t have kissed you in the bar?”
“No.” Carson says after a moment. “I think that was the best decision.” She looks up at Greta and smiles.
“Well, you kissing me gave me the courage to kiss you…sober…well, less drunk.” Greta smiles.
“Really?”
“Yeah. I had a feeling from the first moment I saw you that you were like me but kissing you with just that to go on would have been risky.”
“I guess so. I just thought that you were really brave.”
“I am.” Greta shrugs. Carson playfully shoves her shoulder.
“Actually, as it turns out, I’m the brave one.”
“Ha!” Greta huffs out a laugh. “Only when there’s alcohol involved.”
“Maybe I need to drink more often.”
“No.” Greta shakes her head, her nose wrinkling.
“No?”
“I like you nervous and rambling. It’s adorable.” She leans in and kisses Carson softly.
“Thank you for telling me and I’m sorry I made assumptions.”
“It’s okay.” Greta says as she covers a yawn with the back of her free hand.
“Oh, what time is it?” Carson looks around, but there isn’t a clock in the room. “We should probably get some sleep. We have a game tomorrow.” Carson stands and starts to pick up the remnants of their picnic. “I’ll take care of this. You get ready for bed.” Carson knows Greta’s bedtime routine takes longer than hers, so she wants to give her some extra time.
“Okay.” Greta stands and grabs her toiletries. She opens the door and heads to the bathroom looking over her shoulder at Carson who makes her way to the kitchen. When Carson finally gets to the bathroom Greta’s brushing her teeth, her face is clean, and her curls are pinned. She’s beautiful always, but Carson loves her like this without makeup, without the mask. Smiling, Carson moves in beside her and starts washing her face. She can feel the warmth of Greta’s body beside her at the sink. The domesticity of it all isn’t lost on her. Greta finishes up and lets her hand slide along Carson’s shoulders as she leaves the bathroom. When Carson gets back to their room Greta is sitting on the edge of her bed, in just her black nightgown, with the covers turned down.
“Hey. Everything okay?” Carson asks as she clicks the door shut.
“Yeah.” Greta stands and pads barefoot across the floor stopping in front of Carson. “Will you sleep with me? Just sleep. I want to be close to you.”
“Of course.” Carson smiles up at Greta. “I was gonna say the same thing.” She pushes up onto her toes to press a quick kiss to Greta’s lips before tossing her toiletry bag onto her bed that she won’t be sleeping in and turning off the lamp next to it. She moves to Greta’s bed and holds the covers open. “After you.”
Greta grins as she locks the door with a quick turn of her wrist. She walks across the room and slides under the covers followed closely by Carson. Carson reaches up to turn off the lamp closest to them and then rolls over to face Greta. They lay there together in the narrow space of the single bed and the low light of the moon filtering in through the window, looking at each other. It’s Carson who moves first, leaning in to kiss Greta. Greta wraps her arm around Carson’s back, fingers splayed against flannel, as they kiss. It’s soft and languid and not intent on leading anywhere. But it’s nice, being able to just be together and enjoy the closeness of the other’s body without the world interfering. Greta pulls away with a soft sigh and shifts onto her back raising her arm to invite Carson closer. Carson moves in against her side and lays her head on Greta’s shoulder. She rests her arm casually across Greta’s stomach and Greta’s arms wrap tightly around her.
“Goodnight Carson.” Greta says pressing a kiss into her hair. Carson’s heart swells at the use of her first name.
“Goodnight Greta.”