Archive of Our Own

Akk has never kissed anyone.

It’s not - a big deal, not really. He doesn’t care, and it’s not like he’s ever felt the urge to kiss someone. Akk is perfectly content to live his life unkissed, no matter what Wat says.

Until he’s not.

Like most things, it’s Ayan’s fault.

—

There are certain situations that are extremely improbable and will most likely never happen in Akk’s lifetime. For example - seeing a living dinosaur, visiting Antarctica, watching Kan be normal about his love life.

Or, you know, standing in a shower stall at school, half naked - with Ayan . In fact, that one is really, really high on the list. There is quite literally no reason for that to happen. Ever.

Somehow, because Akk’s entire existence centers around him being absolutely clowned on, it’s happening anyway.

“It’s normal for two male friends to take a shower together,” Ayan says, stepping closer to Akk in challenge. “Haven’t you done it?”

Akk wonders, a little bit hysterically, why they are talking about taking a shower together at all. “I do it with close friends only - you’re not.”

A split second of something flashes across Ayan’s face before he narrows his eyes. “I wouldn’t want to be close with dummies like you guys anyway!”

“Then get out!” Akk gestures at the door. He feels like he’s pretty much entirely lost track of this conversation, but at the very least, he knows that he needs Ayan to be outside the shower stall where Akk is currently standing half naked . In case that needed repeating.

Because nothing in his life can be simple, Ayan casually slides his gaze to Akk’s right and points to the shelf. "That's my stuff."

Bewildered, Akk turns to check, and unfortunately there really is a bottle of soap and shampoo sitting there. As much as he wants to, he can’t really tell Ayan to get the hell out and forget his stupid soap bottle, so Akk just watches as Ayan reaches out to pick them up. He steps closer, much closer than necessary, head tilted up, and just - keeps coming closer until Akk can feel the heat radiating from the boy and they're almost -

Akk pushes Ayan, startled by the proximity, who ricochets back and then, somehow, somehow they are -

Ayan blinks at him, eyes wide.

They are kissing. Sort of.

It's messy and inelegant - really, it's not even a kiss, just a mashing of their lips. Akk's heart still crawls up into his throat. It’s almost uncomfortable and Akk wants to - he should push back and get some space between them, cut off the not-kiss as quickly as possible. He should. Instead, he just stands there and stares at Ayan’s big eyes and ridiculous lashes and -

It lasts a second, maybe two, but it feels like forever until Ayan jerks back, looking just as unsteady and wrongfooted as Akk feels.

They stare at each other until Ayan clears his throat, looking down, and Akk springs into motion, grabbing the bottles and shoving them at him. For once there's no snarky comment - Ayan just takes them and stumbles out, looking slightly dazed.

Then Akk is alone in the stall again.

In the stall they just not-kissed in.

Taking a deep breath, Akk stares at the partition screen and resolutely does not think about Ayan. Or the press of his lips. Or the warmth of his body. Or the slightly dizzying scent of Ayan, body soap and sunshine.

He doesn't.

—

(That night, Akk wakes up with a strangled name on the tip of his tongue, faint memories of warm hands on his waist and a familiar smirk. He’s uncomfortably warm, skin sticky with sweat and guilt.

He goes back to sleep, fists clenched.)

—

"Hey, look out!"

Startled, Akk turns to see a bike speeding towards them, argument forgotten at the realization that he and Ayan are standing in the middle of the road and the bike is coming straight at them and oh, Ayan is directly in the way of the bike - 

Barely thinking, he grabs Ayan and pulls him close, away from the danger and towards safety - 

- and then his breath stutters, because now he has an armful of Ayan who is - staring up at him, oddly pliant, eyes flickering with something Akk cannot identify. It makes Akk's breath hitch slightly, and his gaze drift down, down, towards a mouth that is equal parts infuriating and sweet, and -

"Aren't you gonna let me go?" Ayan's lilting voice makes him blink. The phrase feels almost like a genuine question, and Akk isn't sure how he's supposed to answer, or why he even wants to.

A beat, and then - "You want to hug me that badly?" The way Ayan says it, low and entirely too close to his face, makes something in Akk's chest burn.

Ayan leans in slightly, and Akk's breath catches - and all of a sudden awareness comes crashing back, a sharp reminder. Akk quickly pushes away, feigning nonchalance he doesn't quite feel. "I just pulled you away from that bike. I don't want to hug you."

Unfazed as always, Ayan straightens, lips tugging up into a familiar smirk. "Sure about that?"

It's somehow curious and teasing at the same time, and it makes Akk's stomach twist. "Damn you. If you're not thanking me for my help, stop talking."

Ignoring his words entirely, Ayan grins and reaches out to grab Akk's wrist. "Come here."

Akk pulls his hand back slightly. "Come where?"

"Just come!"

Akk doesn’t move - he has to do rounds, and his pulse is still a bit too fast for his liking, and he doesn't have to go anywhere with the other boy. But Ayan grabs his wrist again and looks at him like - that , fond eyes and small smile. And Akk doesn't want anything to do with Ayan, he doesn't like him at all, he -

All things considered, Akk isn't entirely sure how he ends up in Ayan's car.

(Well. He knows, he’d just rather not think about it.)

From the driver's seat, Ayan reaches over to Akk's seat belt - and at this point, Akk's almost expecting it. He grabs the extended arm before it can make contact and pushes it back. "Don't. I can do it myself." He really does not need Ayan any closer than he already is, thank you very much.

After a beat, a smile spreads across Ayan's face, not a hint of disappointment to be seen - it's a little bit infuriating how composed he is. "You got used to being in my car really fast," he says mirthfully, and it makes Akk want to scream.

He puts on the goddamn seat belt instead.

"We're here," Ayan announces after pulling into a familiar coffee shop.

Akk internally grimaces. "What are we doing here?" If this is some convoluted way of getting him to reveal the fact that he and Kan really did follow Ayan, it’s not going to work.

"I want a coffee,” Ayan says. Which, duh, of course he wants coffee from the coffee shop, but - it’s infuriating. Because it’s Ayan.

Akk feels his blood pressure rise in real time. "Go get it then. I'll wait in the car." As if he has a choice.

"You can't," comes the instant reply.

Akk raises his eyebrows. "Of course I can. Why can’t I?"

Ayan narrows his eyes at him, contemplating, before he pulls out his phone to do…whatever it is he’s doing. Because that’s the reasonable next step to take in an argument about getting coffee. Somehow.

Honestly, Akk has no idea why he even tries to make sense of what goes on in Ayan’s mind.

Shaking his head, he turns away and looks out of the window. There’s a sense of anxiety in Akk’s chest from skipping his daily rounds, but it feels oddly freeing, too. It’s - confusing and he wonders if maybe -

Without any warning, Ayan grabs him by the back of his neck and Akk thinks ‘excuse me’ and then he thinks ‘why is he coming closer’ and then he doesn't think of much else at all, because his brain shuts down pretty damn fast - 

because there are soft lips pressed to his cheek.

What -

The sound of a camera shutter going off echoes in the car.

What.

—

(Later, Ayan sends him the selfie, and if Akk stares at it for much longer than necessary before deciding not to delete it just yet, that's no one's business but his.)

—

The third time they kiss, it's not real.

Awareness pulls at Akk, and he blinks his eyes open, turns to see -

Ayan is in Akk's bed, and he is shaking and crying and desperate, curling in on himself and reaching out for a reality Akk can’t see, can’t fix. It makes something uncomfortable settle in the pit of his stomach and he rolls over, pulls Ayan closer and runs a hand over his arm, gentle and grounding. He will panic about the closeness later - for now, he just wants to comfort Ayan.

It's - disorienting. Akk has never seen Ayan look so painfully small - Ayan is supposed to be cocky and smug and self conceited and confident, not this trembling boy in Akk’s bed. There's something not quite right about it, like Ayan's body is not made to contain so much sadness -

But it makes a startling amount of sense, too. A contradiction, because everything Ayan does is a contradiction, a story in two cadences. Ayan feels everything with a burning intensity that startles Akk sometimes, so of course his grief is just as fierce.

Slowly, Ayan's cries die out, movements slowing back into stillness. His muscles are still clenched, tensed in anticipation, and Akk blinks at the boy in his arms - so strong and yet terrifyingly fragile - and barely realizes the moment he leans down to press a soft kiss to his cheek. It's meant to be a comfort, a way to help Ayan relax, and he starts to pull away - until Ayan's eyes flutter open.

Akk’s heart jumps in fear, but Ayan just stares up at him, searching, and the silence in the room is a physical presence. Then, eyes still damp, Ayan reaches out to pull him into a kiss - and Akk goes willingly, following the gentle pressure on the back of his head and moving closer, closer to Ayan until there’s no space left between them at all.

The press of their lips, the sensation of Ayan's hands in his hair, the way he pulls back and readjusts before kissing Akk even deeper -

- it's not real.

Akk blinks, refocusing on the still-trembling boy in his arms. Of course it's not.

He really is a terrible person. Ayan is having a nightmare and all he can think about is -

As soon as Ayan stops shaking, Akk pulls away and rolls over, away from everything he wants. He doesn’t - he can’t have this. Not even in his dreams.

It hurts too much.

—

(Outside the lecture hall for a book Akk has never read before, Ayan looks at him and says “Aye. My nickname is Aye.” It’s an invitation, an offer. It’s a challenge.

“Shameless,” Akk says, because it is all he can manage. Still, Ayan (Aye) looks pleased, like somehow this is exactly what he wanted.

Akk hates him. Really.)

—

Standing on his secret island with Ayan, water lapping at his feet, Akk realizes he likes mornings a lot more than he thought he did. The rising sun makes everything seem syrupy gold and the warmth creeps up his arms, chasing away the slight chill of the morning air. Everything is startlingly real, but just hazy enough that it feels like a dream.

Next to him, Ayan smiles, gentle and awed. "Your secret island is beautiful." The sunrise paints him in shades of golden, like a vision dipped in promise.

Akk grins back. His emotions feel too big for his chest, melting liquid soft and gold. "I told you it is." He wants to live in this moment for a little longer, where there is only the sun and the ocean and Ayan.

Of course, the soft glow in Akk's chest doesn't last. There’s a moment of silence, and then - “Akk. What will you do about that?”

Akk’s good mood evaporates instantly. He knows what Ayan’s talking about, of course. “Do I need to do anything?” It's a genuine question, but it’s also not. He knows the answer already.

“You do,” Ayan nods instantly, stepping closer. “What you did was wrong.” Akk almost wants to laugh - Ayan is so righteous, so good it’s almost unreal. “Are you gonna let people continue to believe in the curse?”

Akk hates this, hates that Ayan is right. “I know.” Inhaling, he looks at the ocean. “I just don’t know what I should do. I’m afraid.” It’s too honest, too much, but the sunrise is gentle and the water lapping at his feet offers no judgement. “I’m afraid everything will change.” He can feel Ayan’s gaze on him, weighted and steady.

“Akk.” Turning to look back at him, Akk watches as a minute expression flickers across Ayan’s face. “I’m not the only one who’s looking into this. Even if I don’t tell people about this, it will be exposed one day.” Ayan looks at him, somewhere between harsh and pleading. “It’s better to confess before that and save yourself.”

Ayan is terrifying, Akk thinks, because he wields his words with such certainty he could talk Akk into believing anything. Akk would let him.

Turning away, Akk looks at the horizon, stretching on forever. He remembers being a kid, watching his parents row out in the dark and wishing he could hold the horizon, pull it in closer so they wouldn’t have to be gone for so long. Now, he thinks the ability to swim out that far is something he’s always had - the only thing he's lacked is courage. Akk is the same as his nine year old self, terrified of the unknown and desperately wanting it.

Once again, Ayan breaks the soft silence that has settled over them. "I do have something to thank you for," he says, turning to look at Akk.

Blinking, Akk tilts his head up. "For what?"

Ayan’s smile turns playful. "The night I had a nightmare."

Akk's breath stutters - for one desperate second, he thinks maybe Ayan has read his mind, he knows everything Akk has been trying to hide away. But all Ayan says is, "Thank you for comforting me with your hug."

The relief and panic rise in Akk’s chest. "Weren't you asleep?" he blurts out, voice cracking.

“Mm. I wasn’t,” Ayan shakes his head, then steps forward, leaning in towards Akk's ear. He’s close enough that Akk can feel the warm breath hitting his skin, and it makes goosebumps rise along his neck. "Your embrace was so warm."

Swallowing, Akk pushes him away and hopes his blush isn’t visible. “Shut up,” he snaps, but Ayan just smiles at him, bright and smug. “Get on the boat.” He starts to walk away, stepping carefully into the water.

“Are you running away now? Akk!”

“Get on the boat.”

“Akk, wait!”

“Well, hurry up!”

On the boat, Ayan is somehow even more beautiful - his eyes reflect the soft light of the morning, and his smile makes Akk’s insides melt. Some small part of his brain, the part he hasn't learned to rein in, thinks maybe Ayan is the sun itself - glowing from the inside out. It's a strangely calming thought. Ayan is the sun, and that means Akk cannot touch him, cannot have him.

Ayan sits next to him, body language soft and open. Looking directly at the sun is a terrible idea, so Akk turns away, stomach swirling with emotions he cannot begin to untangle.

Ayan asks him to look anyway. It's a challenge and a request.

Akk’s starting to realize he would do anything Ayan asked him to, and the thought is - terrifying, a little bit. He accepts, turns back to Ayan, and -

Looking at the golden sweet boy in front of him, Akk thinks that if Ayan really is the sun, he is a terrible one, because he is always leaning in, stepping closer, smiling - like he doesn't mind if his fire is dulled, if his rays are eclipsed by Akk's shadow. Like he doesn’t know that Akk burns. He looks at Akk with an intensity that makes everything inside Akk ignite, and he can’t look away.

Ayan - Aye - leans forward, eyes sliding shut, a small smile playing on his lips, so close and so vulnerable and just this much, the proximity is enough to make Akk feel flushed and he wants this so badly - he wants to pull Aye into a kiss and hold him close and make him laugh and he wants to -

Akk panics.

He pushes away, turns back, because he isn't the person Aye seems to think he is - Akk is cruel and awful and cold, the direct opposite of Aye’s warmth. He doesn’t want the glow in Aye’s face to fade.

And at his core, Akk is a selfish person - he doesn't want Aye to see the worst parts of him and be disappointed.

He doesn’t want Aye to leave. He doesn't think he would be able to handle that.

—

(In his room, Akk exhales, hand coming up to touch his lips. Aye had been so close, they’d almost kissed - properly , this time.

But Aye’s expression - hurt, confusion, embarrassment - keeps replaying in his mind. He hates it, wants to wipe those expressions away, but he knows himself - Akk knows he isn’t made to love, not the way Aye is.

It’s not even the fact that he’s a boy. It’s just that - it’s Ayan. Steadfast and honest and good and stunning and everything Akk is not, everything Akk can never be.

He hates himself a little bit.)

—

"I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?"

The painfully earnest question makes Akk swallow. They are so close, and Aye is looking at him so tenderly, and Akk isn’t strong enough to say no this time. But he won’t say yes, either - that would be a little too much like giving in.

Akk stays silent and hopes that Aye will make the decision for him.

Inhaling, Aye looks at Akk before slowly, gently leaning in. Akk’s eyes slide shut, and he feels their noses brush. “If you don’t like it,” Aye says into the space between them, “if you’re not okay, let me know. I’ll stop.”

Aye’s warm breath hits his lips, and Akk opens his eyes slightly to look at the gorgeous boy in front of him. It's almost overwhelming - the sensation of Aye being so close, his soft eyelashes and sloping nose and warm hands - and he's so good even now, even when he could just take what he wanted. Akk nods and closes his eyes again, waits.

Their lips touch, and Akk's entire universe shifts on its axis.

Aye kisses like a promise. He pushes forward in a steady pressure, warm and inviting, like a silent acknowledgement, and he eases back in a smooth motion, slow and careful, like a muted understanding. He kisses deep enough that it makes Akk feel weak, and light enough that it leaves him aching for more.

Akk kisses back with all the intensity he feels, a flush spreading down his neck and spine leaving behind red hot trails of shame and excitement.

But the part that shakes Akk to the core is not the kiss, not entirely. It is what comes next - when Aye leans back and searches Akk's face for something and his smile is light and happy and still, somehow knowing. He looks so stunning like that and Akk wants to condense this moment into something he can hold forever. Aye gives and gives and gives - and selfishly, like the bad person he is, Akk wants to hoard all of it for himself. He wants to keep Aye in his arms forever or until the sun rises - whichever comes later.

But when Aye holds Akk steady and asks him, fragile and gentle, if Akk can tell him how he feels, Akk can’t do anything but shake his head, swallow down the sharp edged words. And Aye - Aye smiles at him, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. (Those eyes - Akk feels like they can see through him. It's - he doesn't want to be seen, he doesn't want all his raw, ugly parts to be revealed.)

"For you, I will wait no matter how long," Aye says, and Akk thinks this must be retribution - to have something so sweet close enough to touch, but Akk - he cannot. He must not.

His throat hurts.

—

(When they go back to school, Akk starts avoiding Aye, just for a little bit. Being around him makes Akk feel confused, disoriented, and he needs his brain working to figure out his own feelings. Aye isn’t - he’s smug and handsome and - but he’s not right, Suppalo’s rules are - they make sense, they’re there for a reason, they’re right.

But then why…

‘The question shouldn’t be about why we can’t do it. It should be why we must do it.’

‘Hundred-year-old rules might fit society back then. But don’t you think we now live in a modern age? It doesn’t make sense to abide by the old rules.’

‘You can’t carry all the school problems on your shoulders.’

The heat feels like it’s spreading from everywhere Aye’s touched him to the rest of his body.)

—

Watching Aye come up for air, sputtering, Akk laughs. “Am I still cute?” He’s never been called cute before, and frankly it’s embarrassing how heady it feels to hear it from Aye.

Pushing wet hair out of his face, Aye obstinately leans forward. “You are.” He’s ridiculously stubborn about everything, Akk has discovered, and the fact has somehow become more endearing than annoying.

“Shut up, Shortstop,” Akk says blithely.

Aye leans on the ledge next to Akk again. "I'm not following your orders, Bigfoot." It’s said with a familiar air of defiance, but the words are lined with a fondness that tastes like honey, golden soft. The teasing lilt in his voice combined with the soft pink of Aye’s skin makes something in Akk’s chest stutter, and some part of that must show on his face, because Aye’s smirk softens into a small smile.

Something - he can’t quite put it into words - is so hypnotizing about Aye that Akk wonders how anyone can ever look away from him. He’s like the sun, Akk thinks again, except - no, that’s not it. Aye is just - Ayan, and that is somehow brighter than anything Akk has ever seen.

Aye gently pulls him deeper into the pool, and Akk follows. The look in his eyes is a careful request, and Akk can’t help but look back with an expression he knows is too vulnerable and too full of want.

When Aye leans forward, head tilted to the side, Akk doesn’t move until they’re almost touching - but he blinks, pulling back slightly. "We're at school," he says, because it's the only defense he can muster up against being kissed.

Aye, clever Aye, doesn't even blink. His hand comes up, gently wrapping around Akk’s neck and pulling them both down, down into the pool, where they cannot be seen.

Under the water, Akk blinks his eyes open the smallest bit - just enough so that he can see Aye. And maddeningly, Aye just hovers there, waiting for - something, Akk has no idea what. But he wants to be kissed right now, and they're underwater, and reality feels far away, too far away to touch them at this moment.

So Akk leans forward, slotting their lips together.

—

(On the walkway, Akk pulls Aye to a stop. “Aye.” It’s meant to be a reprimand, a warning, but it comes out soft and a little too fond.

Aye turns around to look at him and just - pauses. He swallows, eyes radiant with something Akk can’t quite decipher. “Don’t look at anyone else like this. I’m jealous.” His smile is genuine, a secret confession given to Akk, and the words make an elated feeling swell in Akk’s chest.

He doesn’t say ‘I don’t think I can like anyone as much as I like you’. He doesn’t say ‘I would if I could look away from you for even a moment’.

Akk doesn’t say it, but he feels the words in his chest, and he smiles.)

—

"Will you tell me how you feel about me?" Aye asks, a faint echo of a different moment in a different time. His eyes are hopeful, like he believes Akk will say it this time.

Akk swallows, looks away. ‘I like you, I like you, I like you,’ his heartbeat thrums - but the words get lodged in his throat, stuck somewhere between one breath and the next.

When Akk doesn’t say anything, Aye continues. "I get you. When I first found out, it was difficult too." He is earnestly honest, not a trace of mischief to be found. Like he thinks Akk is worth the truth.

It hurts, because Akk wants to be worth it so badly. He wants Aye so much it aches. But -

"You shouldn't like a bad person like me." It spills out before Akk can stop it, too raw and too honest. (Those eyes look at him, and - Akk wants to be seen this time. Wants to be acknowledged by Aye, even though he knows it will only end in heartbreak.) "You know all the bad things I've done." Aye is looking at him intently, expression serious, but Akk has to say this, he has to show Aye that he can do so much better. "And -"

Aye doesn't wait for him to finish the sentence, kissing him.

It's short, just a simple press of their lips, but Aye lingers, leaning back slightly with his eyes closed like he's trying to memorize the sensation. When he opens his eyes, he looks just as infatuated as Akk feels.

"That's my answer," Aye looks at him, swallowing. “When I told my mom we were dating, I meant it.” He sounds confident, but Akk can feel the underlying nervousness in his words. The air is tense with anticipation, and Akk feels like his chest might burst open.

“Akk,” Aye says, like a call to attention. Akk is already looking. “Do you want to get together?”

—

(Their next kiss is Akk's favourite, because it's accompanied with a low, almost giddy 'goodnight, boyfriend'. They’re both smiling too hard for it to be a proper kiss, but it makes Akk feel ridiculously warm.

Akk is used to chasing (after unreachable dreams, impossible goals, praise, praise, praise) - but the way Aye looks at him, like he is worth chasing too -

He might start to believe it. Akk thinks he would believe just about anything if Aye keeps looking at him like that.)

—

Akk startles as a hand drags him away from the stairs, then nearly sighs in exasperation when he realizes who it is. Of course it’s Aye. At this point, Akk thinks he could trace pretty much everything in his life back to Aye. (The thought shouldn’t be as enjoyable as it is. Really.)

Caging Akk against the wall like some sort of romance drama character, Aye smiles up at him, eyes sparkling. Akk blinks, unimpressed. “What the heck are you doing?” He looks around carefully before continuing. “We’re at school.”

“Well,” Aye looks up at him, the picture of innocence. “I missed you.”

Akk raises his eyebrows. “We were just together.”

Pushing his lips into a pout, Aye tilts his head. “Didn’t you miss me at all?” He looks entirely too adorable, and Akk has to look away.

“Okay, fine, I did! Happy now?” The responding smile is blinding, and Akk pushes Aye’s hand away. He does not have time for heart palpitations, goddamnit. “Let go. I’m making rounds, Kan and Wat will be here soon.”

Unfortunately, Aye has never once listened to anything he has to say, and just puts his hand up against the wall again. “Kiss my cheek first,” he says. Just like that.

Akk stares at him.

“Please. Give me a cheek kiss.” Shifting into a pleading expression, Aye continues. “I want a good moment this morning.”

Akk is not a strong man, but he makes a valiant attempt at refusing - they’re at school, literally anyone could see them. “Moment, my foot! No.”

Aye just smiles and turns his head to the side, offering his cheek. “Kiss me.” When Akk makes no attempt to move, he sighs fondly. “Don’t let me be the only one who kisses. Or that would mean you're my wife.” Like that is in any way a normal thing to say out loud. Tilting his head away again, Aye grins. “Come on.”

It's definitely, absolutely not working on Akk - except, for reasons he doesn’t want to examine too closely, the word wife makes something burn in Akk’s sternum, and he straightens. Checking once again, he makes sure there’s no one around before he presses a kiss to Aye’s cheek - and he means for it to be quick, really, but the sensation of soft skin under his lips is so sweet he lingers a moment longer than entirely necessary.

Aye looks delighted, and when Akk pulls back, he can’t suppress the small smile on his face. Still, he pushes away Aye’s hand, the one keeping him locked against the wall. "I’m not your wife. You're my wife," he proclaims, resolutely ignoring the burning in his ears.

Aye makes a face of exaggerated surprise that melts into a grin. “That’s ticklish. I like it when you say something like this.”

“You taught me to,” Akk shoots back, and it’s true. He’s never said something like that to anyone else, and he doesn’t ever want to.

Pulling his lips down into a melodramatic frown, Aye blinks. “I’m always the one to blame.” The happiness lining his face overshadows his attempt at pretending to be upset quite plainly, and it makes Akk laugh.

“Just go already.” The fondness in his throat tastes honey sweet, and he wonders if Aye will try to coerce him into another kiss. Akk hopes he does.

—

(During school, Aye’s presence is a comfort, a kiss in the stairway and a hand pressed over his knuckles. But he can’t be everywhere, and Akk has to stand in front of Chadok by himself - and suddenly, something that seemed so simple before makes Akk’s heart sink.

When Chadok yells at him, the words don’t feel like the truth anymore. They feel like an accusation, a condemnation. They still make Akk's stomach churn with guilt and shame, unable to make eye contact.

But they don't feel like the truth.

It's - progress, or something like it, and Akk clings onto that thought, a desperate lifeline. He's - Akk isn't responsible for everything, he can't be, and he tries to breathe through the heavy drag of disappointment in his gut.

He walks out of the room with his shoulders square, goes up to the roof and tilts his head back. Chadok's words aren't the truth, they're not, and Akk knows that.

He still trembles when Aye sweeps him into a hug.)

—

"Thank you for keeping me company as a boyfriend," Aye says, turning his head to look at Akk. He’s in bed already, but he looks wide awake - which is understandable, considering the day they’ve had.

Pulling the blanket over himself, Akk settles in next to Aye. "People usually just say 'thank you for keeping me company'," he replies, eyebrow raised.

"Well. We are boyfriends," Aye says, indignant. "I won't go back to being your friend, no way." It's almost a pout, and it's so cute it makes Akk laugh.

"You just keep rambling again." He can’t seem to stop smiling, so wide it feels like it will stick forever. Shaking his head, Akk turns over. "I'm going to sleep."

He closes his eyes and waits.

Right on cue, Aye shifts on the bed. "Akk, don't move over," he whines. "Get closer to me." Throwing an arm over his waist, Aye shakes him gently.

"The bed is huge," Akk says, voice cracking with laughter. "Go back to your side."

For his troubles, all Akk gets is a 'no' and an even tighter grip on his waist. "If you want to sleep like this, I'll sleep like this too."

"Aye, it's hot, get off me," Akk tries again, but he knows he's laughing too much to come across as serious.

"No."

Opening his eyes, Akk caves. Rolling over, he faces his boyfriend (the word still sends a thrill down his spine), and like this, Akk can feel Aye's presence acutely - the way he smells like sunshine and fresh clothes, the strand of hair loose across his forehead. "Why are you so stubborn, Shortstop?"

“To get your attention like this, Bigfoot,” Aye answers easily. The idea that Aye wants his attention is electrifying, sending sparks of giddiness down Akk’s body. He tries to say something clever in response, but he gets lost in Aye's eyes and nose and lips and cheeks - he still can’t really believe he’s allowed to exist like this, so close to Aye.

Like he can read his mind, Aye smiles and leans forward to kiss Akk's cheek. It's slightly ticklish, and Akk feels something giddy and light expand in his chest.

Propping himself up on an elbow, Aye closes his eyes. "Kiss me," he says, tapping his cheek, and Akk shakes his head instantly, grinning.

"No."

"Come on," Aye whines, and it reminds Akk so much of Singto it makes him laugh. At the sound, Aye slides his gaze sideways to look at Akk carefully. "Do you want to sleep?"

Akk knows it's a genuine question - if he says yes, Aye will move away and not say anything else. It's an out, if Akk really doesn't want to do this.

Leaning up, he places a soft kiss on Aye's cheek, and the responding smile is almost blinding. "Are you happy now?" Akk can't help but ask, both a teasing question and an actual one. Aye just taps his forehead silently, face expectant.

Laughing, Akk pulls him in and places a kiss on his forehead. Aye taps his other cheek, and Akk kisses him there too, before pulling back. He feels flustered, giddy with happiness. "That's enough," he says, but Aye just closes his eyes and tilts his head up further to tap his chin. Akk snorts, a half hearted complaint on his tongue, but Aye says ‘last spot’ with his eyes closed, goading, and Akk is absolutely hopeless so he kisses him there too.

Aye opens his eyes, soft smile on his face, and Akk - he cannot do anything but smile back, helpless. 

—

(The next day, everything falls apart - Thua reaches into Akk’s chest and pulls out everything he has been so desperately trying to keep from unravelling. The threads come loose, and Akk can only watch as every part of him is held up for everyone to see, to judge and to laugh at. There isn’t anything worthwhile left of him, nothing left in him that he can give.

Aye still looks at Akk like he's not a disappointment, somehow, and it aches. He's not worthy of the emotion in Aye's face, he's not worth the gentle hands on his back because Akk has nothing left to give so what does Aye get by staying here? Why won't he leave?

Because he's just that unflinchingly good, something in him whispers. Because he loves you. To him, you will always be Akk.

Akk breaks down, feels every part of himself collapse. Aye holds him close anyway.)

—

“So,” Aye starts, eyes sparkling. “Did you fall for me first?”

Akk blinks, taken aback, before a laugh escapes him. “Don’t be ridiculous. You liked me first. I liked you later.” He’s expecting some sort of snarky reply, but Aye just looks at him with a smile that feels entirely too genuine and makes Akk’s stomach flutter. “What are you smiling at?”

Tilting his head, Aye smiles wider. ”It’s the very first time you said you like me. Sounds very nice.”

It makes Akk pause - it really is the first time he’s managed to say it out loud. The ecstatic feeling floods through his veins, and he can’t help the wide smile he knows is on his face. “Shut up.”

Pulling his face into a mock serious expression, Aye blinks. "Alright," he says, and steps closer to Akk. “This way I can listen to your heartbeat closely. It’s clear, you know.” He steps closer, closer, until his lips are almost touching Akk’s neck. "Thump, thump, thump," he whispers, and the feeling of breath against his skin is ticklish, making Akk laugh. He tries to pull away, but before he can do anything, Aye darts up and plants a kiss on his cheek, lightning quick.

Akk’s eyes widen, unable to suppress his smile. "Aye!" he hisses, voice cracking with laughter.

“What?” Aye just blinks back at him, smug and satisfied. “You like it.”

Akk reaches out to lightly tap him on the forehead, grinning at the mildly affronted expression on Aye’s face. “Stop talking,” he laughs. He does like it.

—

(Framed by the eclipse, Akk remembers being fifteen. He remembers the mocking eyes and the exhaustion and the anger, anger, anger burning hot in his veins. Akk remembers hating it - wanting to peel his skin off and scoop out the anger until there would be nothing left except hollow bones and room to breathe. He remembers punching people instead.

He also remembers learning to release his fists and breathe through the rage.

Being with Aye feels like a burning in his veins too, but this time it's a warmth that settles into his skin, a radiance that sends sparks of joy down Akk’s spine. When he holds Aye’s face, the heat settles in his palms like a familiar presence. He wishes he knew how to articulate the reverence that flutters in his chest every time Aye looks at him, but he’s no good with words that feel too honest, so he cups Aye’s face in his hands and hopes it is enough.

Framed by the eclipse, Akk kisses Aye. It feels like a promise, hot and sweet on his tongue.)

—

Akk’s boyfriend sitting on his childhood bed is a little bit surreal.

Akk’s boyfriend blinking those pretty eyes at him with a thinly veiled innuendo is…worse.

“I mean come on. We should go to bed,” Aye says mirthfully. “I drove all day, you know. I’m tired.”

Akk hums, trying to copy Aye’s teasing tone. "Tired already? I thought tonight we were gonna..." he trails off, smiling too hard for it to actually sound mysterious.

Instantly, Aye straightens. "Gonna what?"

"Mmm, nothing."

“Akk,” Aye says, and then repeats it when Akk just shakes his head with a suppressed smile. “What is it?”

Laughing, Akk stretches out on the bed. “Let’s get some rest.”

"Akk," Aye drawls, leaning over him, to which Akk just closes his eyes.

“Nope. I’m already asleep.” When Aye shakes him, Akk pretends to snore, cheeks hurting with the width of his smile.

Aye audibly pouts. “Akk, don’t pretend to be asleep! Tell me what we were gonna do.”

“No.”

After a few more attempts, Aye huffs and rolls over onto his side of the bed. “Fine. I’ll sleep.”

Akk blinks his eyes open. He wasn’t expecting Aye to actually give in. Turning his head, he sees Aye’s back facing him - he’s not actually upset, but it’s definitely not what Akk wanted to do. 

Rolling over, he props himself up on an elbow. “Aye. Aye,” he shakes the smaller boy, leaning over when he only gets a vague grunt in response. “Come here,” he grins. “Let’s cuddle.”

Aye pouts up at him for an admirable three seconds before giving in, turning around to pillow his head on Akk’s arm. Once they’re settled, Akk looks at his boyfriend (!) and feels his smile soften into something quieter, more private. “Hug me tight. In case you have a nightmare again.” The words come out softer than Akk means for them to, but Aye smiles up at him, eyes sparkling, and Akk decides he doesn’t really care.

Still giddy with fondness, Akk closes his eyes and pulls Aye closer - it’s been a long day, and Aye is probably genuinely tired. He feels a hand snake its way across his waist, and then -

“Oof!” Akk gasps, eyes opening in shock. Slowly, he turns to look at Aye, smiling again. “Trying to mess with me?”

Aye shakes his head, eyes wide in an innocent 'who, me?', as if he isn't the biggest tease Akk knows. He looks so sweet, eyes soft with that look reserved just for Akk, it makes Akk want to hold him forever.

Instead, he reaches out to press a kiss to Aye’s forehead. Aye blinks at him, expression melting into something vulnerable and adoring, like Akk has hung the stars, and it’s all the encouragement Akk needs. He leans forward again to press another kiss to Aye’s cheek, then his other cheek - just like last time.

When he pulls back, Aye stares at him with an unabashedly infatuated expression. “Continue,” he tilts his head up.

Akk smiles. “Continue what?” It’s the same thing Aye had asked him earlier.

Eyebrows rising, familiar confidence bleeds back into Aye’s features. “I won’t hold back anymore.” He gets on his elbows, hovering over Akk, and Akk feels his pulse stutter - no matter how many times it happens, he doesn’t think he will ever get used to this Aye, wide grins and promises and soft eyes.

Warm hands come up to cup Akk’s face with a reverence that feels like an epiphany, and slowly, gently, Aye leans down and kisses Akk - and Akk decides right there that kissing Aye is the best feeling in the world. The kiss tastes like coffee and Ayan and warmth, an addictive taste that makes Akk want to push in even deeper, envelop himself in the heady presence of Aye forever. They both pull back to breathe at the same time, and Akk feels a string of saliva connecting their lips break.

Huffing out a laugh, he opens his eyes to see Aye’s face - lips red and eyes dancing - and feels the fondness well up in his chest. “Weren’t you not going to hold back anymore?” he asks, a challenge and an invitation.

The slightly dazed look on Aye’s face is electrifying. Half laughing, Akk rolls them over until Aye is the one under him and seals their lips together again.

The kiss tastes of coffee and Ayan and warmth. It also tastes, a little bit, of love.

—

(Later, in the private recesses of his mind, Akk mulls over the thought of love , feeling the weight and shape of it. It feels like a drink left on the table and laughter. It feels like apologizing and forgiveness. It feels like saying 'good morning' and a warm hoodie.

It feels heavy and golden bright and the exact shade of Aye’s smile. It feels - right, somehow. Terrifying but right.)

—

Holding his school pin, Akk reaches out to Aye’s blazer. "Last time, you were the only one who pinned it for me. It’s not fair.” He glances up, catches Aye’s gaze. “This time, we’ll do it for each other." I love you. 

Unabashed fondness lining his face, Aye looks at him and smiles. “I like it.” Stepping closer, he reaches out to Akk’s lapel. “It’s like we’re exchanging wedding rings.” I love you too.

It makes Akk’s heart stutter - Aye says things that feel like too much and not enough so easily it’s unfair. Or it would be, if Akk didn’t like it so much.

Once he’s done adjusting the pin, Aye tilts his head up and looks at him, eyes shining - and this time, Akk knows what it means. “Hug me,” Aye says, half a request and half a demand, and it makes Akk grin. I love you.

Gladly, he wraps his arms around Aye and pulls him close, feels the hands come up on his back. I love you too.

"Your body is so warm, Bigfoot," Aye murmurs. Closing his eyes, Akk smiles. It feels impossible, sometimes - how Akk can love one person so much.

But, well - Aye has always been a little bit impossible. I love you.

Pulling back from the hug, Akk looks at the boy in front of him and feels his breath stutter slightly - he'll never quite get used to the sheer adoration on Aye’s face. I love you too.

“I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?” Akk knows he doesn’t need to ask for permission, not from Aye, but he wants to. Akk wants to hear the yes, he wants to see the fond expression on Aye’s face. I love you.

“Of course,” Aye smiles. “I want to kiss you too.” I love you too.

Akk holds his face and pulls him in - and the action is familiar, now, but it still makes him feel giddy. Kissing Aye is like a miracle - it’s like learning to breathe all over again and like having the breath stolen from him. It’s like Aye’s lips on his, and that is the sunrise and the sunset, the beginning and the end. It is Aye, simple as that. I -

Pulling back, Akk can’t help the grin spreading across his face. “I love you.”

Aye doesn’t respond, just pulls him into another kiss - it’s a kiss that says I love you , fond and sweet and full of delight.

Akk feels like he’s been given so much - and he’s still not sure he deserves it, not completely, but - he’ll learn. For Aye, he will learn to accept the love and give it back in equal amounts.

I love you, I love you, I love you.